Friday 9 May 2014

Meltdown

The evening started well enough. The first time hubby and I had spent any time together for a week or so. Dinner was cooking, and we sat down to have a drink together. We talked about family issues, of which there are a number right now. We got onto the subject of his parents, and I commented (once again) that he needed to talk to them about our relationship, particularly given that our wedding anniversary approaches - one we won't be celebrating. It was then that hubby articulated that he thought we would at least spend the evening together on that day, have dinner, after all it will be 30 years. I told him I will be away, out of the country.

The next couple of hours are a stress filled blur. Voices (mine) were raised, unkind things were said by us both and we both lashed out at each other. His was more about throwing my laptop and standing over me, squaring up. Mine was about me actually physically lashing out as he appeared to try to grab me. Then there were tears, lots and lots of tears.

I have not cried about that relationship at all, and I sat on my own, upstairs wondering why now? I desperately wanted to speak to Sir, but he was preparing to leave today. We exchanged a few texts and I told him a little of things with hubby. I didn't tell him I was in full meltdown. Particularly when the realisation dawned that the whole hubby thing happened when it did for a reason. The tears were not for hubby and for our relationship as it dies. The tears were because suddenly I felt alone, with no one to turn to.

In fact a couple more texts from Sir cheered me up and I pulled myself together. The hubby thing is far from resolved, and Sir still leaves today. But I slept quite well and when I was in that half sleep half wakeful time I was able to regain that feeling of calmness I have had recently. Regain the feeling of submission, remember the piercings, remember that I am marked by Sir's pen.

Ok, so he hasn't actually left these shores yet, and he did help me out with the texts, but there was no conversation in person.

I think I can cope, I can remember even when the going gets tough. This time is going to be a test, I am going to think things I don't want to think, but I will get through it.

I am this girl. Sir's girl.

10 comments:

  1. First off, so sorry about the meltdown. They are tough!! Remind yourself that you are His. You are marked by Him. Yes, the bad thoughts are going to occur, but you have us to help you. Count this down. Remind yourself everyday. Lash out on here. It has been another sub who has gotten me through all this travel and my emotional rollercoaster. Which, I finally admitted to Master that though we have gone up to 5 weeks without seeing each other, it's different with all this travel. It feels like we are going a lot longer and I miss Him dearly. He understands. Your Sir understands. You don't have to go through this alone. Hugs!

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    1. Thanks Hs, you are so right. I think it is just about having had daily contact, plus the fact he isn't on some business trip he if off to see the person who was his slave before i even came on the scene. The reality hits.

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    2. Reality sucks! Master is not on travel this week and because of reality He can't get away to see me. So yes, I so know what it's like to know someone else gets that time. Doesn't matter that we truly understand, we are still left feeling "alone". It's an uncontrollable emotion. Hugs. We are here for you.

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  2. Think short time pain, long term gain. Sorry you had to go through this but you are in a transition stage in your life. But you have your Sir and he and your relationship will make you happy. Good luck in dealing with all this.

    FD

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    1. I know and i told myself just that today. But it is a test for me and it is something that has to be done :)

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  3. Think short time pain, long term gain. Sorry you had to go through this but you are in a transition stage in your life. But you have your Sir and he and your relationship will make you happy. Good luck in dealing with all this.

    FD

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  4. Been there, had those far too often because My ex is an alcoholic, so I know ALL about how that feels - at least from the man's perspective - and can only offer up the thought that it WILL be better when you're no longer living in the family house - meanwhile be calm, be strong in your resolve, and most of all, retain the "Don't let the bastards grind you down" attitude. Enjoy the peace and tranquility of your time in France and remember My door and that of My one is always open *Hugs*

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    1. Thanks A New Man and welcome to my blog :)

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  5. *hugging you gently to remind you i am here, anytime for you, and i know my Master feels the same.* Wish i had some profound words that would help to make your transition easier. i know this is not easy for you, but i also know you are a fine woman and i do think these rough tides are going to start easing off for you very soon. i truly believe this, as it seems in life we go through some of the hardest times right before something wondrous is about to happen. Hold tight to that silver thread and keep looking to the horizon. - slave *~destiny~*

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    1. Destiny, thank you and thank you to your lovely Master. I am sure I will be needing both of you over the next few weeks as a support. I agree, things can only improve from here :)

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