Am I the only one who didn't see?

Today I had lunch with my sister in law, Well the ex wife of one of my brothers. Our son's, cousins, are best friends and grew up together. We have more in common than we have differences in our lives these days, despite difficult times in the past. She told me that I look well, happy and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This is interesting, since this week has been a struggle. I am tired, have been very very down. Plagued with hot flushes, and mood swings, this has been a difficult week and it is only Wednesday.

She told me that she wondered how I have remained in this marriage for so long. She told me that I deserve to be happy.

Last week, on her birthday my mum asked me not to bring hubby to her small gathering. She told my brother that he has made her daughter unhappy for years and she didn't want him there for her birthday.

I have heard a number of stories now, that he hit on other people as well as the affair he had early on in our marriage. The relationship he has now, which he says is platonic, has gone on longer than he originally admitted. To think that I spent so long worrying about my infidelity currently seems crazy.

Time after time, I hear that people are pleased I have made this change. That they can see I am now happy, where as for years I was not.

For years, I was pretty miserable. I thought no one saw. I never reached out because I thought it was a burden I should carry alone. I thought no one would understand.

For all the sadness I have felt this week, I sense I am close to happiness. I see my freedom within a hare's breath.

I feel sad now that I waited so long. But then again, since I didn't actually know what I needed, I am not sure I should feel that way.

Still, why did no one say any of the things they say now?

No more

Yesterday I had a bad day and the origins of it can be found in the amount of sleep I had. Every weekend I am able to unwind, to relax and to sleep. When I am with Master, I am able to do those things to a greater extent. He is a man who likes His sleep, likes nothing more than to stay in bed late and I am coming to enjoy that too. But part of the reason for this (other than being close to Him), is that I am seriously sleep deprived all week. Master and many people who visit this place know that is the case, and the reasons for it. He and they have given me the benefit of their wisdom on this matter. But until now, I have been unable, unwilling even to face it. But this must stop.

Yesterday started badly and other things which happened through the day just made it worse. Things that I should have been able to manage, things I should have been able to just ignore. But the original cause was a restless night knowing hubby would turn up and then the usual 4.30am early call. A late night on Sunday meant I did manage to get back to sleep briefly, but to be frank, none of my sleep had been of a good quality.

Last night I went to bed early and slept well. Until 4.30am when hubby walked in. This morning though there has been no more sleep. He apologised for waking me and of course I said it was ok. BUT, it was NOT ok.

Another conversation is needed and a change is required. This behaviour cannot go on. I refuse to go through another week where I am woken like this. I refuse to have that man invading what is now my personal space, to do something which obviously makes him feel better. Time for yet more action.

Reflecting on last night

It is hard to express how difficult I found it to take charge of a situation such as was necessary yesterday. Every aspect of the time spent out with hubby screamed at me as something I didn't want to do. It isn't that I didn't want to face facts, to accept that I need to move things on. It was that I was made to act in a way that is increasingly becoming alien to me. Every day at work I handle situations that require me to take the lead, that is not an issue. Likewise there are family situations where I need to do the same. But when it comes to relationships, the acknowledgement that I am submissive makes it increasingly challenging to act as I did.

At the forefront of my mind now, it that I need, indeed am required to consider my Master and to think about whether he would approve of and be proud of my actions and behaviours. Last night was no exception.

Hubby continues to struggle with the whole idea that we cannot just live as we are - a kind of part time arrangement where 2 or 3 nights a week we spend time in the same house and even still the same bed. Meantime he lives elsewhere, with a woman he claims is just a friend. A friend who, it turns out he has been seeing for over 18 months and who he met through a trip organised by people I formerly worked with. Trips he took last year, claiming to be with male friends, were with her. But, they are just friends........

There were tears (not mine), there was anger (not mine), there was pleading (not by me). I was calm and controlled. I retained my composure throughout. However, I wanted to walk away from the situation, I wanted to be allowed to cry, to seek reassurance. I didn't because, at all times I was considering that I needed to do what I promised Master I would.

So we have agreement that we will work on the house and that work will be shared. Then we will put the house on the market and begin the process. Sadly I felt unable to say "by the way, can you move yourself and your belongings into the spare room and do it tonight". But I have a plan about that for the near future.

This morning, hubby has texted to apologise (yet again) for the way he behaved. I suggested we keep talking about what we need to do. 

Master is proud of how I am dealing with this situation and because I trust his judgement, I too am happy. I have some momentum now and I intend to keep it going. 

On the cusp

Today feels really important.

Today is the day, I finally feel strong enough to do what needs to be done.

Today is the day I get together with hubby to sort out how we will end things - there are some practical things that need to be done in relation to the house, garden etc.)

This week members of my family have helped me see that it is time, and that has helped my resolve strengthen.

Plus I have the guidance and support of Master to spur me on. He wishes me to be composed in my actions.

I needed to record these things on this blog today, this is after all a journal of my journey.

A journey that started here 2 years and 4 months ago, but has it's roots in the history of our marriage.

I know who I am, who I wish to be. There is no going back, and I am happy to walk forward into a new part of my life, whatever that brings with it.

Challenges

Knowing that i return to work today after a week off, i was always going to sleep less well than of late. It was a night when i had no calming hand from Master and it was a night when i had more than enough hot flushes.

But it was the visitor who arrived in the house, and bedroom at 4.35am (according to the digital clock) that prevented good quality sleep before his arrival and any sleep at all afterwards.

My first challenge, going forward is to stop this happening every Monday and Tuesday morning.

This week my son and I are off to Ikea this week to buy him some new bedroom furniture. I will then move his current bed into the spare room and that will become hubby's bedroom when he is here.

Next, there are a few bits of decorating to be done and then I really do need to move to the next phase, since ending the marriage necessitates selling the house.

My son said yesterday that he will be happy to move with me to wherever I go if he is not ready to move out to his own flat. He also offered to speak to his dad about the way he comes and goes. I just love the way that boy has grown into such a lovely young man. But no, any conversations about his dad and I need to be had by us. I need to maintain my new found calm and resolve to do so though.

.............................

While we were away, Master and i discussed ways in which we might more openly display the nature of our relationship in the future. Thinking about the challenges ahead for me, i really do need to have those boundaries and rules set. i also think i need something other than my piercings that tells me and others, who i am. 

Even when He is not here, i feel His influence in everything i do. But i know that as the days go by, i need some ways to refocus my mind and body so that i can continue to serve Him and to make Him pleased with me even during those difficult times. 

Meltdown

The evening started well enough. The first time hubby and I had spent any time together for a week or so. Dinner was cooking, and we sat down to have a drink together. We talked about family issues, of which there are a number right now. We got onto the subject of his parents, and I commented (once again) that he needed to talk to them about our relationship, particularly given that our wedding anniversary approaches - one we won't be celebrating. It was then that hubby articulated that he thought we would at least spend the evening together on that day, have dinner, after all it will be 30 years. I told him I will be away, out of the country.

The next couple of hours are a stress filled blur. Voices (mine) were raised, unkind things were said by us both and we both lashed out at each other. His was more about throwing my laptop and standing over me, squaring up. Mine was about me actually physically lashing out as he appeared to try to grab me. Then there were tears, lots and lots of tears.

I have not cried about that relationship at all, and I sat on my own, upstairs wondering why now? I desperately wanted to speak to Sir, but he was preparing to leave today. We exchanged a few texts and I told him a little of things with hubby. I didn't tell him I was in full meltdown. Particularly when the realisation dawned that the whole hubby thing happened when it did for a reason. The tears were not for hubby and for our relationship as it dies. The tears were because suddenly I felt alone, with no one to turn to.

In fact a couple more texts from Sir cheered me up and I pulled myself together. The hubby thing is far from resolved, and Sir still leaves today. But I slept quite well and when I was in that half sleep half wakeful time I was able to regain that feeling of calmness I have had recently. Regain the feeling of submission, remember the piercings, remember that I am marked by Sir's pen.

Ok, so he hasn't actually left these shores yet, and he did help me out with the texts, but there was no conversation in person.

I think I can cope, I can remember even when the going gets tough. This time is going to be a test, I am going to think things I don't want to think, but I will get through it.

I am this girl. Sir's girl.

Used but not in a good way

I do feel that I am making progress in my life in general. Family and friends are gradually learning about the changes I am making with regards to my marriage. I have sought some relationship counselling, and have been to a first session, though am waiting to hear about a longer course. I have seen a solicitor for some legal advice. Hubby knows it is over between us - he might say otherwise, but his body language tells me he does. Plus there is the relationship with Sir, which goes from strength to strength.

Still though I am plagued with doubts - Can I go through with this whole thing? Can I manage the process of splitting everything, selling the house etc? My dad is very unwell and we are likely to lose him this year, my mum will need lots of support; can I support them enough in their time of need? How will all of this affect me, affect my relationships with others?

I am embracing my submission with Sir. I love the feeling it gives me and I know that he loves it too; the sense of power, of dominance is good for him.

But it is in other aspects of my life where I still find myself being submissive to the wrong people in the wrong ways.

Hubby returned from about a week away yesterday. He took up his usual residence on the sofa watching football and then other mindless programmes. I ran around after him in the usual way I do. But these days I hate myself for it. Hate that I suspend my usual life for him. We had things to catch up on, and did discuss them, but in truth we skirt around the real issues and otherwise have nothing much to say to each other.

Then there is my brother, who last night stung me for a 'loan' I will never see returned. On Monday he apparently left his girlfriend and moved in with my parents. I saw him when I went to see them. We discussed him doing some work here for me (painting and gardening), since he is between jobs and has no money. By last night the payment for work had turned into a larger 'loan' which he will pay back when earning again. Like a fool, I transferred the money to his account and not 10 minutes later my dad texted me to say my brother had gone home! I felt completely used and still do. Ok, so tomorrow I will get my dining room, which has been ready for painting for 4 months, decorated. But still my brother, who I love has used us all.

This morning, I ironed a shirt for my son. Apparently a black shirt doesn't go with black jeans. I gave him some grey jeans. A stronger response, but what, you may well ask am I doing ironing the clothes of a 23 year old who can iron his own?

Maybe I am being hard on myself. I know I am a good hearted person who wants to help others, who sees their problems as larger than my own. But I know that to find real fulfilment in my life, this kind of thing has to stop. It is just working out how, without being a burden on Sir.

I need a strength that sometimes I don't think I have. How on earth to I find it and still be the submissive I want to be, and know I can be?

Yesterday

i have rarely had such a difficult day to deal with. But it is over now, and i can look back on it. There is no guarantee that these kinds of stresses won't happen again, but i guess there is more chance that you can cope if they have happened before.

Previous episodes of sub drop have been quite gradual, this was sudden. On Monday night i was flying high; my blog post demonstrates that (as has been pointed out to me). On Tuesday morning i read a short message left on yahoo and by the time i reached work a couple of hours later i felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world. i was angry, bitter, upset and very very sad. It was late afternoon before i spoke to Sir, and our conversation definitely helped. This was as well since at 6.30 i was due to have my first counselling session regarding my marriage.

The last thing i needed yesterday was to be thinking about my relationship with Sir and His with the other lady. Instead i was consumed with them. While high on Sunday night, i had let down my guard with her and had said some things that upset her (not intentionally). In turn i have now been seriously upset, the apparent malice the result of her hitting out while hurt. For now, i will stop all similar contact.

i went to the relationship counselling on my own. Hubby and i are in different places vis a vis our marriage. He still wants us to live together, to keep the weird status quo within which we exist. i do not. The session was useful. i came away with some clear thoughts on what i need to do - practical things - before i begin the counselling proper in a few weeks (there is a short waiting list).

Sunday was mother's day here and for one reason and another, my son and i had not had much time together that day. He suggested dinner out, and since hubby was due to be home the three of us went out. This turned out to be a disaster. My lack of wedding ring was noticed by hubby for the first time and his mood spiralled. He spent most of the meal silent, morose, and giving eye contact to neither my son or to me. The evening, which had started well became uncomfortable for my son and i as we struggled to carry on as if he were not there.

The interesting thing is that the behaviour then and since then (later last night and again this morning) was exactly what i discussed with the counsellor might happen. Apparently i am wicked and take pleasure in being as horrible as i can to him. It was almost as if the past 18 months has been a dream, or else that he has been living on another planet.

This marriage breakup is going to be very difficult and painful. i am going to need every inch of strength i have to get through this and i am going to need Sir's help. i cannot and must not let other outside stresses that i don't need to worry about get in the way. Though of course, knowing me is bound to happen at some point.

Wedding ring and more questions

Just before Christmas i realised i weighed more than i had ever weighed in my life before. Essentially i felt very miserable around that time, and when i am miserable i eat. I also shopped as if a family of 3 were staying at home for the whole holidays and were expecting guests every night. In the main, what food was eaten was eaten by me. My son helped, but he doesn't have a sweet tooth (hell neither really do i!) and i hate waste.

At New Year i decided i needed to do something and during January both dieted and did the whole dry January thing (even if i didn't last all month).

Over the months, when people have asked me why i still wear my wedding ring, i have said it is because it won't come off. The practicalities of this were definitely true in December and January, though to be honest it is only recently it has bothered me.

i have now lost 12lb in weight, though i have a bit to go until i will be happy with my weight. But today, while in a place where the air conditioning was a little on the cool side, while fiddling with my wedding ring, it actually came off. 

i won't be putting it back on. 

Apart from a few weeks during the latter stages of pregnancy, i have worn a wedding ring on my left hand for near on 30 years. It is going to be weird to wear nothing. For now, i have a ring that was left to me by my grandmother which i have decided to wear on that finger.

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Questions from Fiona:

What is a fantasy that you have that includes Graeme that you have not yet tried?

i would like to be made to submit for a prolonged period of time. Since we don't live together and  have no formal kind of arrangement, my submission kind of comes and goes. i would like to agree to behave in a particular kind of way for a specific length of time and actually manage to do it (or else be punished). This is really tame, or is it? Julie is Mrs Pretty Scary Lady and she likes to be in charge. Giving up power and control for a day, or two would be a massive thing. Plus it would show if she is able to be joolz for any length of time.

What is your favourite implement?

Damn it i have very little experience with many implements and the ones recently experienced blurred into one. i am not keen on the belt but like the crop or flogger (edited after thinking about this). The flogger because it can be such a sensual gentle thing and then again it can be something else entirely. This is an area where my experience definitely needs widening!

Do you think you will be Graeme long term or are you thinking this just a while it lasts relationship?

It has only been a month. Plus He is promised to another. i intend to enjoy the things we do together for as long as we both wish to do them. In short, i don't know and at the moment am not worried. 

What is your favourite desert?

I love cherries. Given a menu i will, if it available choose something with cherries. I can't actually eat them fresh as they make my throat kind of itch, like i am about to have an allergic reaction. But the kind of cherry in kirsch or something that you get in a gateaux or cheesecake or just in cream and ice-cream. Well yes give that to me! If it also includes chocolate then all the better!

This will be random

I have a category on my tag cloud for random thoughts and this will fall into that arena. It is not long after 5.30am and how else can you approach writing something at this time?

There seems to have been a sea change in my attitude to hubby. I am at long long last holding my line and not taking all of the self pity that usually lands up with me feeling guilty. He is sad and miserable, he is lonely. But he is 55 years old, he has to take control of his life.

He was out last night and has just left after the usual procedure - drive from where he was, change for work, pick up sandwiches, spend half an hour lying in / on the marital bed and then leave. Yesterday I managed to ignore him sufficiently that I woke up when my alarm went off. This morning, no. As is usual during the week at the moment I am now going to struggle to activate my brain by 9am.

This week I have a family night out. My family. We are doing something special that my dad whose cancer is now palliative (you might say terminal) wants to do. It is a bucket list thing. Hubby is not invited. In my own opinion, I am handling this better than usual. I am not changing the booking and I am not going to endure what would be an uncomfortable evening for the sake of him. It is my dad's night out and in his view hubby has not been a very good husband / son in law lately. He knows that I have been a bad girl (not how bad obviously) but still I am his daughter. Hubby and I have discussed the issue this morning and he knows the position that has been taken.

The truth is blatant to me though. It doesn't matter to me any more what hubby wants. If I don't want it, or someone special doesn't want it, then that is the end of the matter.

My life is rapidly moving on after a long time of allowing it to tread water. I told myself weeks ago that I would move things along once my job was permanent. Funny how that coincided with meeting Graeme.

Speaking of Graeme, he comes here to read what I say regularly. We have discussed quite a lot of my previous posts and general ramblings. We will no doubt discuss this later. The question in my mind right now and something to discuss is whether I tell hubby sooner rather than later that I am seeing someone. I thought before no, after all it is kind of early days. But is it? We have seen a lot of each other all ready, spent many hours together in person and talking on yahoo. I don't think he and I are going our separate ways any day soon.

So this morning, slightly less cheery. But the soft glow of the weekend still surrounds me. The promise of more to come keeps me going. Finally I feel in control of the part of my life that needs me to control it and I am learning to give up the part that I want to give to another.

This is early, this is random but maybe my brain is geared up more than I thought.

Time for coffee....

Last word on this for now

I am not going to turn this blog into some kind of place where I moan about my husband (again). But this morning I am going to say a couple of things about last night.

There are some things about him that really irritate me now:

His inability to get that this is not about him or really anything he has ever done but about me and a decision I have made. I don't want to listen to his self pity.

It has been a year and I have said the same things for pretty much all of that year, yet it was like I had never said them before.

I do like him, I do care about him, despite what he says. I just don't love him as I did / feel I should if I am to remain his wife. What is more, I don't want to be that person any longer. I want to be me.

He wants to live as friends, but friends are there for each other, the relationship can't be one sided; there has to be give and take. I can't be friends with someone who only takes.

I can't live with a man any longer who is essentially submissive unless he is manipulating me, at which point there is a battle to see who submits first. When it becomes about who has more power than who. We all have our weaknesses, we all need help, care and consideration. But in the end everyone has to help themselves.

I am not his mother or his sister. I already have a son and siblings. I can't be that person to him any longer.

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So, if I thought he would pack his stuff, wave a cheery goodbye and leave, I was mistaken. Of course I didn't even dream that would happen and of course it didn't.

What I got was pacing, crying and self pity. What I also got was excuses about his own behaviour and  choices. He is a 55 year old man but his actions were more that of a teenager who can't get his own way.

I stayed calm and reasoned - scarily so. Calm but compassionate (I think).

But not once did I back down and so I know in my heart (even if my instinct is try to make everything alright again) that this is the right thing. For me now and in the long run for us both.

I am a step forward, but god knows this feels like a very very long path.

Tomorrow I am going to concentrate once again on something pleasant, sexy, kinky and all together more pleasant. New Dom is giving me great support in this and I want to concentrate on some of the other things he has been giving me!

Irritated

What I want to be thinking about and writing about here is the hot time I had at the weekend. I have much more to say about that yet as I analyse my thoughts and feelings along with actually writing something a little factual (or my version of it).

But what I have to think about is that (now reasonably small) part of my life that focuses on my marriage.

He was out again last night. This was a good thing as New Dom (got to think of a name to call him) and I got to chat. He isn't telling me what to do or say, but he was good at getting me to articulate some of the behaviours which may help or antagonise the situation.

Hubby arrived home again this morning, early. 4.40 to be precise (there is a clock by the bed). I was sleeping so so well after the lovely orgasm I was given (he insisted but I asked anyway). I think hubby must have known I was awake, but I didn't speak, fearful that I would say something now, cause a scene. What I was feeling though was - I don't want this. What I was thinking was - please don't lay down next to me. He did lie down, but respected my silence and was gone by 5.30.

So tonight is the night. There is a window of opportunity when my son is out playing football. I will be calm, I will be measured and I will plan what I will say. God knows I have thought about it enough. I won't shout (please let me maintain that one), I won't get angry.

I am clear about what I want. It isn't about any relationship I may or not be having. It is about having the freedom to seek the life I want in the way I want it. It is about opportunities to do new things in different ways that I know he doesn't seek, want or whatever. New things that I am no longer sorry to say I don't want to seek with him.

The journey to here started many years ago. A young husband unfaithful to his pregnant wife. A young woman left alone for weeks on end with a young child. Denial of the realities, fear of being alone. A fight for possession of a man who I probably didn't want then, 20 years ago. The events of the past 2 years are part of this journey, but they are not the whole thing.

On the radio while I was typing this - Oasis, Whatever - with the lyrics - Free to do whatever I , to be whatever  you to be wherever you (I paraphrase) - I think that is today's theme - Free to be whatever I choose, Free to be wherever I want, whatever I want.

If I get any doubts this evening this is the date that most recently springs to mind when I knew change must take place. Joolz - remember how you felt on this day!

This week

I am going to write this while the thoughts are fresh in my mind. Before I talk myself out of it. I am writing it here, because once it is here I won't be able to pretend it isn't what I decided and and what I should do.

At 4.30am this morning hubby walked into the bedroom to collect his clothes for work. Last week, I left them downstairs, but he still came up into the bedroom and lay on the bed for an hour before leaving. This is a man who had spent the weekend away from home, leaving on Friday and returning as this week early Monday morning. During that time there was no contact between us.

Back to this morning, he got dressed. Lay on the bed and since I was awake I spoke; just hello. In the next couple of minutes we exchanged a few words - not many from me as I was not properly awake. Then he dropped his bombshell. He uttered the words - I will be home this Saturday night. Now, I don't know if this means all weekend, just Saturday night or what. But he hasn't been here on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday night for months and he is usually out Mondays as well.

Something inside me clicked at that very moment. I said nothing but my mind was in over drive.

Not withstanding anything I might want to be doing next Saturday. Indeed even if I am having a quiet night on my own. I do not want this. I do not want to be with this man, spending time with him that I didn't chose to spend.

This is the week that I must gather my strength and be honest and open. I must be clear that I want us to separate.

There I have said it.

One to forget?

For the first time in 30 years, hubby and I have been apart this Christmas. Indeed I have not seen him for 6 days. In that time, there have been a number of texts and one, quite unpleasant phone conversation on Christmas morning. I have spent time with our son, he and I have spent time on Christmas day with my parents and on boxing day with hubby's family.

From Christmas eve morning until boxing night I felt very low. Probably worse than I have felt for many months. I wasn't tearful like I was when S told me things were over between us in the summer, but I just felt low. Felt that everything was a chore, too much effort. But, because I am a reasonable actress and because I hate people being sorry for me, I pulled myself into shape and got on with things. My son and I exchanged presents on Christmas morning (a lopsided exchange of course), he gave me a lovely hug and was very attentive. Then we set off for a quiet Christmas day with my parents. When we arrived, unknown to me, I had been assigned the task of cooking Christmas dinner. I don't remember being asked, but as ever, I got on with things, and this year it was a small event. Later my teenage niece nephew arrived and we played some fun games. I went to bed feeling somewhat happier than I had in the morning.

On boxing day evening we went off to a family party hosted by hubby's parents. This was an awkward event. They asked me about what hubby was up to, when he had decided to help the homeless etc. I know little of what he has been up to and as far as I know he decided to help the homeless so he wouldn't have to face his and my family at Christmas. Still I pulled it off and my son told me later I did a good job.

So tomorrow, hubby is apparently putting in an appearance. I am hoping we can at least have a small amount of family time. This is part of my desire, from son's tone of voice when I told him, it is not his particularly. But we will see.

I am hopefully heading down to visit S for new year. I hope that this will help me gather the emotional and physical strength to face the things I need to in the first few days of January. You can't act in the way hubby is now and expect things to return to normal (no matter what he may think).

My new year hope is that I have some very kinky things to write about on this blog by this time next week.

Change ahead?

Hubby announced at the end of last week that he wouldn't be spending Christmas with us. Instead he told me that he will be helping the homeless at a shelter in London. He told me that this is something he has always wanted to do. I really want to believe that this is true, and perhaps it is.

However, he has told me a number of (what I think are lies ) as part of the story. He has told me that he will be staying with a friend in London, a male friend. He has told me that he is not seeing anyone else.

Last night he was staying not in London, but somewhere else. I don't know who he is with, but I am sure it is not a male.

It is almost time to force a change, I just need to decide when that time should be.

I don't deserve to feel cheated, since I was the one to cheat first. But I do.

He has been incredibly upset about the lies I have told him and now he is lying to me.

The greatest sadness is that he doesn't feel able to tell me the whole truth and that is a shame.

I feel glad that I have my family around me who are being very supportive and I feel glad that I have S to provide additional friendship and support.

I think this will be a bit of a strange Christmas.

Truth and lies

I am not by nature someone who tells lies, though as a not very popular child at school I told some quite big ones to try to get people to like me, but that is another story entirely. As an adult, I have usually tried be true to myself and true to others. I don't lie.

Over the last 18 months or so though, I have told many many lies.

I have lied to hubby, something well documented here and I have lied to others. Usually about where I have been and who with.

Around last November, also well documented here, I began to tell the truth. To hubby firstly and most painfully. Then to members of my family, to friends and to my son. Well I say I told the truth, because to each one I have told a version of the truth, one that I have decided best suits who they are and what they need to know.

Now, once again I am telling lies. In July when S and I parted I told hubby what had happened. The months and months of verbal abuse I endured from him, stopped. So when a month later, S and I got together again, I lied by omission. For some weeks this has not been a problem, since hubby has not been here. Until Tuesday night, we had not spent one evening or night under the same roof since the end of July. On Tuesday he came home, and he stayed home for 3 nights. He might have come home on Monday, but I was not here.

I told him I was going to a conference on Tuesday and to make things easy, travel wise, I was going to a hotel on Monday night. I did go to a hotel, but there was not conference. On Tuesday I was at work as usual. On Monday evening hubby was busy searching my wardrobe to see what was missing. He discovered that some shoes I didn't know he had ever seen, were gone. Therefore he accused me of lying. Accused me of being with someone. Of being with S.

I have maintained my story and told him that I threw the shoes out. He and I know this is a lie. But I refuse to back down.

I don't like to lie to him. But actually I don't feel that we have the kind of relationship any more where he deserves the truth.

I don't love this man as a wife loves her husband. He is no longer my lover and right now he is not really a friend either.

We are heading now towards the inevitable. I have suggested counselling, but he quite rightly says this will not make me love him when I say I don't.

I pursue my own happiness, but know that in the process I am causing distress and sadness.

I long to tell the truth and be happy about it. I hope soon it becomes a reality and there are no more lies.

No longer lost, but not quite found either

So S and I are back in the swing of seeing each other again and things are, I think, pretty good on that front. He seems like his old self, and what's more, he is keen to see me and to touch me. I am happy to comply with his wishes on dress, and actually I like to dress up for him, to wear the stockings and heels. He finds me attractive and that helps me feel attractive in return. Dominance and submission is always present in the bedroom but outside it our relationship has become pleasantly average. I don't feel particularly unhappy about that right now. Essentially I can go with the flow, and take our friendship and also give and take the sex.

Due to the unpleasantness I experienced from hubby all of the time he knew of my affair with S, I have decided not to tell him about the recent turn of events. So he doesn't know I am seeing S again. I feel a little guilty about this, but the emphasis is on 'little'. Although we appear to live together still. i.e. he has his belongings here and he visits pretty much daily, actually we really aren't. I don't actually remember the last time we spent an evening together, or indeed the last time he stayed the night here. He returned on Thursday from a trip to Rome with a friend, appearing on Friday morning to get ready for work. He lay on the bed and held my hand, he told me he had missed me and asked if we could have lunch together. My new job means I can't just drop everything and come home, and we work quite a distance from each other. I suggested lunch today, and he said he couldn't do that as he is helping a friend with a job in his garden. So essentially we remain in limbo, unable or perhaps unwilling to have the conversation which will bring things to their natural conclusion. Meanwhile, since we see so little of each other, we are actually on good terms. We are able to text and talk on the phone, without unpleasantness, but then part of that is because he thinks he no longer needs to say anything unpleasant given that he doesn't know I have seen S again.

The fact is that I have a marriage which might be on its last legs, but which is harder to let go of after nearly 30 years than I might have imagined.

I have a relationship with S which is based on trust, friendship and lust. It contains kinky sex, a bit of humiliation, dressing up for my man and also some pain. If anything he is enjoying showing me how much he cares for me, and attending to my needs just that little bit more.

I still feel like I am on some kind of journey, I just don't quite know where I am headed, and how long it will take. I guess though that I will know when I am there and what's more, I will enjoy myself on the way. For now, that will do for me.

Photo from myboundwife.com

Reflections on the last week

Around 7 days ago almost to the hour, S and I were walking near where he lives. We walked across a beach that was really too rocky for the shoes I was wearing. We negotiated rock pools and saw fish swimming in them. We sat on the beach and ate local crab (not caught by us I hasten to add), and then we went and found a secluded woody area where we had some really quite kinky sex. During the 15 months of our relationship, I had become increasingly more comfortable with being restrained, having my nipples clamped, being collared and last Saturday afternoon all of those things were involved. At the same time, I had become relaxed at being naked or semi clothed in a place where technically people could discover us, but were unlikely to do so.

On this occasion, I was cuffed, clamped and tied to a tree while he pushed his cock inside me. Once we found an optimum position for me to get into he slid in easily and then when he stroked my clit at the same time, I came quickly and with some force.

Afterwards we sat and ate strawberries, we chatted and all seemed well. Then we set off for home.

On the way back, I was thinking about how wonderful our relationship seemed to be, how good the sex was and how easy we were with each other.

It was only a couple of hours later that my bubble was burst.

This has been a long week in many of ways. S and I were chatting online last night and he remarked just that. I guess he has had cause for reflection too.

I have had lots of opportunity to think and to talk about events with various friends this week. I have also chatted to S a few times. The problems with S pale into insignificance in a way when it comes to the issues I now have in my marriage. It is great to know that I have the support I need around me to manage all of that.

The graduation was lovely. A beautiful day, a very smart, handsome son in his graduation robes amongst his peers. I have rarely felt so proud. But there were slightly less happy parts to the day. Hubby, who had agreed to attend and who had promised not to let us down, was less than excellently behaved. I had to tell him at one point that he has to learn to control the comments that come out of his mouth, especially in front of our son. Plus a scary and now funny half an hour - The graduate forgot his brand new suit trousers, and there was a frantic trip into the nearest town to buy another identical pair. Most of the unpleasantness by hubby was during that time. But we got the trousers, he got changed, he collected his robes and we got into the auditorium by the allotted time.

Later we were joined in a local pub by my parents and had a pleasant meal.

It feels now that a phase of my life has passed. My son is now ready for the world and so, I think am I. No matter what unpleasantness occurs in the next few weeks (and it will), I can see where I am heading.

I don't regret my time with S, but I do regret that it has ended before I felt ready. But I will recover and I will move on, it helps to know he is still my friend and that we are still there to help each other through the tough times ahead.

How did things go so wrong so quickly?

This time last week I was looking forward to an afternoon of fun with S. It was a lovely sunny day, he had a day off and I half a day. Traffic got in the way and while he reached our proposed destination I did not. It turns out that the day would not have been as I expected anyway, since he was proposing to drop his bombshell on me then. As it was my happiness lasted a few more days.

It would be true to say that in the past month, pretty much since I returned from France, I have been going around with a huge smile on my face, everything in my life felt pretty good. I posted about it here just over a week ago.

After the weekend I have received lots of support from friends. I have been out for 2 lunches and came away from them with a firm plan. I would say nothing about all of this to hubby for the time being. In effect, all I needed to do to maintain as much pleasantness in the lives of my family as possible was to keep quiet.

Tomorrow is my son's graduation. He has achieved so much, a First Class Degree and with it a prize from his department. We as his parents will be there to see him receive these. Afterwards, dinner with my parents.

As soon as hubby and I sat together last evening after work I knew keeping quiet would be harder than I had thought. I have been married to him for nearly 30 years, of course he knows me and he knew there was something wrong with me. The smirk he has accused me of having for the last few weeks had gone. He hit straight for the jugular and asked questions about S, the weekend and when I would be seeing him again. He wasn't especially unpleasant, but the more I tried to keep my answers level and brief, the more he pushed until eventually I told him I was no longer seeing S. At this point the best thing would have been to let him believe he had a chance or repairing our marriage. But no, I moved straight on to telling him the truth about all of the things I have been thinking.

So the position now, after another night of little sleep, is that I do not know if he will be at either the graduation or dinner after. I have hurt him more than ever, and he through the things he said through the course of the evening and night and the vitriol with which he said them is in an even worse state. My own view of him is that I like him even less today than I did yesterday.

I feel as if I have burst my own bubble well and truly now. I have created one hell of a mess in the pursuit of my own happiness.

So, today, I have to make him see that we have to salvage at least something. We are still parents and our son deserves better than the current behaviour of either of his parents.

Letter to hubby

B,

On Sunday we have been married for 29 years. That is a lifetime - we have both been married for longer than we were single. We have had some great times, how ever would we have stayed together if we hadn't. Equally we have had some difficult moments, not least the present. This year there will be no cards, no romantic meals - not even the pretence that we are happily married. No we won't even see each other. Tomorrow you will tell me where you are off to for the weekend, personally I will find something useful to do; perhaps be with friends, who knows. Even though our marriage is on it's very last legs, I will not be with Sir (and wouldn't have been even if he hadn't been working).

Today, I saw you for the first time in over 2 weeks. You were too busy to take me to the airport, too busy to join me on holiday, too busy to be here on my return. Yesterday on fathers day, your son was sad you weren't here. Whether his failure to even text you was warranted, is between the two of you, after all, he is an adult now. It has been 7 months since I told you of my infidelity and 5 since the say I confirmed it by going off one Sunday to see my lover, leaving bereft at home. Since then we have not (as far as I can remember) spent one whole weekend together. You were away at Easter and even when I was away on holiday you spent few nights at home. You ask me to be patient with you. Say you don't want to lose me. But even when I have offered to give up Sir you tell me that since it will make me unhappy you do not wish me to.

Both Sir and the friend I was on holiday with say that I now need to take control of this situation, and I know they are right. I am allowing myself to be treated just as badly now as I was before this happened.  I know I have committed the worst sin possible within a marriage, and I have made no secret of this, but you did too. Granted it was many years ago, but the facts remain. You keep information from me - even tonight during the 30 minutes you were here having a shower and changing - refusing to tell me when you will be home, where you are going, where you stay, where your clothes are. You spend money recklessly and ask me for more. 

You say you can't give me what I need. Sexually, this is probably true. But even though I have offered to give this up you prefer to remain the martyr. If I am to be married, I need a husband, I need a loving relationship, I need to be cared for. You provide me with none of the above, yet you take all that you can. 

I am reaching the end. Despite the fact I have most recently broken our wedding vows, I am the one currently feeling most deceived, most cheated upon. I think that after Sunday I will be ready.

I am sorry it has come to this, but I think that we need to face facts. We need to stop pretending and you need to realise that this is about more than sex, even if that sex is of the kinky kind.

I still care for you B, but I no longer love you as a wife should, I no longer respect you. My feeling as I started this letter was anger, but now, it is sorrow.

J