Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Vulnerability and emotions

I have rarely been the kind of person to show my vulnerable side, to let people see that I hurt. Indeed in recent years, even when falling apart inside, I rarely cried. People were more likely to see me display other emotions such as irritation or anger. Often people may have wrongly labelled me and definitely people have found me a little unapproachable, scary even.

Over the course of many years, I have built barriers around me. Scared that by showing my vulnerabilities people would see me as weak and unable to cope with the normal problems life throws at you.

Slowly though, with the help of friends and of my Master, those barriers, walls even are coming down. For someone not necessarily used to the feelings that accompany this, I am finding that I am more fearful than perhaps I was. Fearful of allowing my more vulnerable side to show when I don't really want or need that to happen. In the past I rarely cried, I hardly ever felt close to tears, now it almost feels that they are just waiting there all of the time.

Yesterday morning, after an almost sleepless night - the knowledge hubby was about to reappear after several days away, too much thinking on my part, a feeling that my productive weekend hadn't quite been fun enough, while Master was off enjoying His - I got into the shower. Suddenly and without warning I started to cry. While the water washed off of my body, tears ran down my face. For a few seconds, I felt stupid. What did I have to cry about? But then, I just let it happen, let my anxieties and fears fall away. After drying myself, I stood in front of the mirror naked and re-marked myself. I told my reflection out loud that this girl, this slut, belongs to her Master (this is a new rule), and tried to get those negative thoughts from my head. Suddenly I felt stronger. More able to face the day. There is definitely something about reaffirming to myself that I am owned by Him that helps me. Added to this the text I received from Him reaffirming that I am not completely alone helped me feel ready to face the day. A coffee which I grabbed on the way into work helped wake up my brain and face a day in the office.

Last evening after work, I got my time with Master. We discussed how I have been feeling and again the tears felt close, but didn't emerge. Just seeing him and feeling His support and understanding of my needs made me feel stronger. It wasn't that I didn't feel I shouldn't cry if I needed to, it was that suddenly I didn't need to.

I am vulnerable right now, and I acknowledge that. But with the support of my friends and my Master I will emerge stronger and more able to deal with what life throws at me, perhaps without seeming unapproachable or in the least scary!


  1. I so get this....i had protected my self with walls that were meant to last forever. It is scary let yourself become vulnerable, but knowing there is someone there to catch you, and being able to lose th weight of those walls is priceless.
    hugs abby

  2. Omg. I could have written this piece word for word. I still have issues crying, which is so cleansing. Though, I'm always on the verge of tears.

    I'm so glad He is there to support you!

  3. Sometimes crying can be good to help you cope with your emotions. Let's hope with the help of your Master and your friends, you can move forward. Better days are ahead.


  4. Thanks all of you, I certainly shed a few yesterday and am feeling better for it, especially as abby says, i had someone to catch me. Yes FD, better days are ahead :)

  5. i am so proud of you my friend, i know how hard it is to let those walls crumble. i also know, after our long chats, what a beautiful lady and slave is being re-born as this happens. Always here for you my friend, just a skype or hoo call away. *hugs you tightly*

    1. Thanks destiny, you have been a great source of strength in helping me see that I do need to let some things go. Always there for you too xx

  6. Tears are good. They help cleanse the heart, mind, soul to give you a brand new canvas to paint on. Hugs.

  7. I agree Angel Blue, and thanks xx