Sunday, 18 May 2014

Communication in relationships - is D/s different?

Yesterday, after visiting my parents - my dad is feeling a little stronger now, even though he will need some radiotherapy on his back after all - I spent time with my sister in law.

In truth she is an ex, since she and my brother are no longer married. She is in another relationship now, one where there has been a great deal of lying by omission. We spent 3 hours and I drank 3 cups of coffee (something I never usually do these days) discussing and analysing both our marriages and her current relationship. The common theme was a lack of communication, or an inability to find a common way to communicate with each other. The difficulties I have experienced in trying to communicate effectively with hubby are well documented here and so I won't repeat myself. But I have been wondering about the common threads for us both and how, if at all they are different in my current relationship with Sir.

My brother caused my sister in law great pain. He was unfaithful, he became addicted to cocaine and in order to support that habit he spent a great deal of money that they didn't have. He lied. In the end she called a halt to things and he left. Soon after she got together with someone she had known before her marriage. 5 years on, while he spends most nights with her, he also spends part of each day at a home that he shares with his sister. She apparently suffers from severe depression and he feels a great responsibility for her care. The problem is that my sister in law is desperate for him to prioritise her, and to commit to her. He has omitted to tell her the reasons he feels so responsible for his sister, whose call he always jumps to, often without telling his partner. The  means he may go out for half an hour, and not return for hours or longer. No matter how hard she tries she can't get to the root of the problem, and she can't get him to articulate his long term intentions. She fears that if she does nothing, in another 5 years she will be in the same position. We agreed that the thought processes and actions of the men in our lives often puzzle us and that somehow it left us feeling like failures.

Driving home though, I began to think about the past 3 months with Sir. About how open we have needed to be about ourselves and our needs. About how well we need to know and trust each other. In particular how much I need to be able to trust him in order to submit to him and to release myself into his care. Of course, this still feels a little one sided, since in order to be his submissive I have opened myself up much more than perhaps he has. To a certain extent he has tried to protect me from his other relationship, but bit by bit details do emerge. The ability to try not to judge what is revealed to you seems important, though very very hard at times. Especially when you know what it is you want, but also know that might not be what you have to accept in the end.

Sometimes it feels we have known each other for so much longer than 3 months and that is something both of us keep reminding the other of. But the depth of understanding and of trust in our relationship already feels greater than hers after 5 years. The other sad thing is, that while my brother is now clean and is in a new relationship too, that isn't very happy either. I can't help thinking that this couple could have remained together and in love if only there had been more honesty and understanding of each others needs. What I do know is that none of them have fulfilment in their lives and that is sad.

Despite my problems, and the uncertainty about my longer term relationship with Sir, I feel submission is bringing me a freedom to communicate in a way that can only be positive and help me be the person I want to be and in a relationship that is right. In the end I will have inner peace and happiness, but will they?


  1. i have to agree with you joolz that communication is different in our lifestyle than in the vanilla world.

    In the vanilla world they don't really think in depth about communication and trust. At least not in the vanilla relationships i was in. Sure there was a level of communication and trust at first, mostly just lip service, but the focus wasn't as intense for me anyways, as it is now that i am living the lifestyle. In the vanilla life they seem to focus first on the "good feelings", the fireworks, the hype and excitment, the whirlwind of lust etc... Then when that dies down a bit, due to life interupting, sickness or other things, they begin to lose interest, and it becomes too hard to fix, too many things left unsaid become words that hurt and turn into accusations, if only's and what if's.

    Whereas in our lifestyle, we focus on the communication and trust right up front. Now that is not saying we don't still have the lust, fire and so on, it's just not our main focus, it is instead (as it should be) the icing on the cake, the extra perks. This keeps it completely open to grow, it keeps everything exciting and actually makes that cake icing even more delicious and treasured. Our whole lifestyle is built on these two foundations. They are key to being true to the lifestyle itself and more to being the fullness of who we are. They are also key to our safety, both for the submissives as well as the Masters.

    Of course this based only on my own past relationships in comparison to what i live now in the lifestyle. There is no way i'd go back to vanilla now. It would once again put me into a relationship with no or little trust and communication soon becoming all about what's for dinner, or whats on t.v. tonite. i know if i did go back to vanilla i would once again be abused and used only, as they just do not understand who i am at all. i have grown way too much to go back to that, and i deserve to be who i truly am finally! *smiles* And that is something i could not say of myself when in the vanilla world.

    slave *~destiny~*

  2. The freedom of expression in a D/S relationship is like nothing I have ever experienced with anyone. I could never go back to a vanilla relationship. In most areas of my life, I am not comfortable sharing and being vulnerable to people but with Sir, it feels so right. I'm glad you found your Sir. He sounds like a good one. I look forward to following your journey.

  3. I agree with you both, the way in which we communicate in a D/s relationship is completely different and and carries a greater weight of importance. Welcome to my blog Betsy :)