Last word on this for now

I am not going to turn this blog into some kind of place where I moan about my husband (again). But this morning I am going to say a couple of things about last night.

There are some things about him that really irritate me now:

His inability to get that this is not about him or really anything he has ever done but about me and a decision I have made. I don't want to listen to his self pity.

It has been a year and I have said the same things for pretty much all of that year, yet it was like I had never said them before.

I do like him, I do care about him, despite what he says. I just don't love him as I did / feel I should if I am to remain his wife. What is more, I don't want to be that person any longer. I want to be me.

He wants to live as friends, but friends are there for each other, the relationship can't be one sided; there has to be give and take. I can't be friends with someone who only takes.

I can't live with a man any longer who is essentially submissive unless he is manipulating me, at which point there is a battle to see who submits first. When it becomes about who has more power than who. We all have our weaknesses, we all need help, care and consideration. But in the end everyone has to help themselves.

I am not his mother or his sister. I already have a son and siblings. I can't be that person to him any longer.

.............................................

So, if I thought he would pack his stuff, wave a cheery goodbye and leave, I was mistaken. Of course I didn't even dream that would happen and of course it didn't.

What I got was pacing, crying and self pity. What I also got was excuses about his own behaviour and  choices. He is a 55 year old man but his actions were more that of a teenager who can't get his own way.

I stayed calm and reasoned - scarily so. Calm but compassionate (I think).

But not once did I back down and so I know in my heart (even if my instinct is try to make everything alright again) that this is the right thing. For me now and in the long run for us both.

I am a step forward, but god knows this feels like a very very long path.

Tomorrow I am going to concentrate once again on something pleasant, sexy, kinky and all together more pleasant. New Dom is giving me great support in this and I want to concentrate on some of the other things he has been giving me!

Irritated

What I want to be thinking about and writing about here is the hot time I had at the weekend. I have much more to say about that yet as I analyse my thoughts and feelings along with actually writing something a little factual (or my version of it).

But what I have to think about is that (now reasonably small) part of my life that focuses on my marriage.

He was out again last night. This was a good thing as New Dom (got to think of a name to call him) and I got to chat. He isn't telling me what to do or say, but he was good at getting me to articulate some of the behaviours which may help or antagonise the situation.

Hubby arrived home again this morning, early. 4.40 to be precise (there is a clock by the bed). I was sleeping so so well after the lovely orgasm I was given (he insisted but I asked anyway). I think hubby must have known I was awake, but I didn't speak, fearful that I would say something now, cause a scene. What I was feeling though was - I don't want this. What I was thinking was - please don't lay down next to me. He did lie down, but respected my silence and was gone by 5.30.

So tonight is the night. There is a window of opportunity when my son is out playing football. I will be calm, I will be measured and I will plan what I will say. God knows I have thought about it enough. I won't shout (please let me maintain that one), I won't get angry.

I am clear about what I want. It isn't about any relationship I may or not be having. It is about having the freedom to seek the life I want in the way I want it. It is about opportunities to do new things in different ways that I know he doesn't seek, want or whatever. New things that I am no longer sorry to say I don't want to seek with him.

The journey to here started many years ago. A young husband unfaithful to his pregnant wife. A young woman left alone for weeks on end with a young child. Denial of the realities, fear of being alone. A fight for possession of a man who I probably didn't want then, 20 years ago. The events of the past 2 years are part of this journey, but they are not the whole thing.

On the radio while I was typing this - Oasis, Whatever - with the lyrics - Free to do whatever I , to be whatever  you to be wherever you (I paraphrase) - I think that is today's theme - Free to be whatever I choose, Free to be wherever I want, whatever I want.

If I get any doubts this evening this is the date that most recently springs to mind when I knew change must take place. Joolz - remember how you felt on this day!

This week

I am going to write this while the thoughts are fresh in my mind. Before I talk myself out of it. I am writing it here, because once it is here I won't be able to pretend it isn't what I decided and and what I should do.

At 4.30am this morning hubby walked into the bedroom to collect his clothes for work. Last week, I left them downstairs, but he still came up into the bedroom and lay on the bed for an hour before leaving. This is a man who had spent the weekend away from home, leaving on Friday and returning as this week early Monday morning. During that time there was no contact between us.

Back to this morning, he got dressed. Lay on the bed and since I was awake I spoke; just hello. In the next couple of minutes we exchanged a few words - not many from me as I was not properly awake. Then he dropped his bombshell. He uttered the words - I will be home this Saturday night. Now, I don't know if this means all weekend, just Saturday night or what. But he hasn't been here on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday night for months and he is usually out Mondays as well.

Something inside me clicked at that very moment. I said nothing but my mind was in over drive.

Not withstanding anything I might want to be doing next Saturday. Indeed even if I am having a quiet night on my own. I do not want this. I do not want to be with this man, spending time with him that I didn't chose to spend.

This is the week that I must gather my strength and be honest and open. I must be clear that I want us to separate.

There I have said it.