Saturday, 27 July 2013

200 not out

This is my 200th post on World of Joolz.

It is amazing to think that when I started this blog I was essentially living something of a dream. Something new and amazing had happened in my life, something I had kind of wanted to happen, but had been too frightened in the past to actually do. I was on a voyage of discovery, about who I was, about the person I can be.

In April last year, when I wrote my first post, everything was new - the relationship, the whole idea of having sex with someone who wasn't my husband and indeed the type of relationship it was emerging into. S and I had spent lots of time online and on the phone chatting, but we had only met the once. We had spent that first evening and night together but nothing else. I was yet to experience the thrill of humiliation, to discover how pain and pleasure are so closely linked. I was yet to discover so much about him and the kind of relationship we could and would have together. Indeed I had never tasted his cooking or experienced his amazing picnics. I didn't realise how beautiful the area in which he lives is. There was so much to discover and discover I did.

A couple of days after our relationship ended I started my year two page. I had been waiting for the right moment, the right inspiration, and now in a way I hadn't anticipated I now had it. Re-reading it last night, I was surprised that I was able to write so clearly when my heart felt just that little bit smashed to pieces.

Two weeks later and I can look back on events with a sense of pride and satisfaction and hopefully soon I will be ready to move on. Meantime, as I pass this land mark (and that's how it feels), I am wondering how this blog will look in another 200 posts? What further progress will I make, what will I be writing about, after all for now there is no sex in my life, let alone BDSM or any of its constituent parts.

I have plenty to be going on with mind. S and i are still friends, now able to chat freely with each other without me feeling I want to cry. I have a new job, secured this week and which I will be starting in the next week or so (more hours, more money than the work I have recently been doing). I have my apartment in France, which I will own this week and which I will be visiting with my son next weekend. I have my weight loss to concentrate on (10.5lb so far), and I have my friends.

The key part of my life that is different from April 2012 when I started this blog, is that I have discovered so many friends. I have developed friendships with people I already knew but wasn't all that close to. I have met new people through this blog and through fetlife, friends that I am now quite close to. Plus there are the people I have never met, but whom I have communicated through this and their own blogs and who I think if I met I would be friends with.

Here's to World of Joolz, onwards into the future. I am here and I am here to stay!

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

The future of 'innocent pornography'

Some would say there is no such thing, they would say that any pornography is bad, somehow likely to not only cause offence but to cause harm. Some, like the Prime Minister of my own Country apparently  think that online pornography is harmful to children and therefore must be blocked. In future in the UK we will have to tell our ISP that we wish to opt into pornography, in order to be able to access it online.

There are images, still and films, on the internet that are abusive, where consent hasn't been possible, perhaps with children or vulnerable adults. No right mined people want to see these online. They exist, but I believe you need to look to find them. Work needs to be done to protect the most vulnerable in society before those images are taken and posted online.

Really? All pornography? Adult pornography of all kinds? What exactly is pornography anyway?

Is it a topless picture of a woman, these are currently shown in a popular tabloid newspaper each day? Is is a picture of a consenting adult posing for her or his partner and then shared?
What about BDSM? I am sure it means BDSM!

According to Wikipedia pornography is: "the explicit portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual gratification" it goes on to identify that pornography is different from erotica because, rather than concentrating on the portrayal of sexuality though an artistic context, it focuses on the physical sexual act.

I wonder how the government will decide what constitutes materiel so harmful that it cannot be readily accessed. Will it mean some of the images shown on many of our blogs, or will it mean the blogs in general?  Will it mean images, or will it be also about writing fiction we consider erotic but others may view as extreme? What evidence is there that we are causing harm to anyone or that we need to be censored in this way? Those of us with young children (not me these days), are I am sure very careful to protect them from information and images that we consider harmful. This will not only include sex, but violence, war etc. The internet is an amazing medium that many of us could only have dreamed of when we were children. Granted there are things we do not want our children to see, to have access to. But do those wishing to view, share and discuss adult pornographic images in the comfort of our own homes need to be protected from ourselves in the name of child protection?

Saturday, 20 July 2013

Reflections on the last week

Around 7 days ago almost to the hour, S and I were walking near where he lives. We walked across a beach that was really too rocky for the shoes I was wearing. We negotiated rock pools and saw fish swimming in them. We sat on the beach and ate local crab (not caught by us I hasten to add), and then we went and found a secluded woody area where we had some really quite kinky sex. During the 15 months of our relationship, I had become increasingly more comfortable with being restrained, having my nipples clamped, being collared and last Saturday afternoon all of those things were involved. At the same time, I had become relaxed at being naked or semi clothed in a place where technically people could discover us, but were unlikely to do so.

On this occasion, I was cuffed, clamped and tied to a tree while he pushed his cock inside me. Once we found an optimum position for me to get into he slid in easily and then when he stroked my clit at the same time, I came quickly and with some force.

Afterwards we sat and ate strawberries, we chatted and all seemed well. Then we set off for home.

On the way back, I was thinking about how wonderful our relationship seemed to be, how good the sex was and how easy we were with each other.

It was only a couple of hours later that my bubble was burst.

This has been a long week in many of ways. S and I were chatting online last night and he remarked just that. I guess he has had cause for reflection too.

I have had lots of opportunity to think and to talk about events with various friends this week. I have also chatted to S a few times. The problems with S pale into insignificance in a way when it comes to the issues I now have in my marriage. It is great to know that I have the support I need around me to manage all of that.

The graduation was lovely. A beautiful day, a very smart, handsome son in his graduation robes amongst his peers. I have rarely felt so proud. But there were slightly less happy parts to the day. Hubby, who had agreed to attend and who had promised not to let us down, was less than excellently behaved. I had to tell him at one point that he has to learn to control the comments that come out of his mouth, especially in front of our son. Plus a scary and now funny half an hour - The graduate forgot his brand new suit trousers, and there was a frantic trip into the nearest town to buy another identical pair. Most of the unpleasantness by hubby was during that time. But we got the trousers, he got changed, he collected his robes and we got into the auditorium by the allotted time.

Later we were joined in a local pub by my parents and had a pleasant meal.

It feels now that a phase of my life has passed. My son is now ready for the world and so, I think am I. No matter what unpleasantness occurs in the next few weeks (and it will), I can see where I am heading.

I don't regret my time with S, but I do regret that it has ended before I felt ready. But I will recover and I will move on, it helps to know he is still my friend and that we are still there to help each other through the tough times ahead.

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

How did things go so wrong so quickly?

This time last week I was looking forward to an afternoon of fun with S. It was a lovely sunny day, he had a day off and I half a day. Traffic got in the way and while he reached our proposed destination I did not. It turns out that the day would not have been as I expected anyway, since he was proposing to drop his bombshell on me then. As it was my happiness lasted a few more days.

It would be true to say that in the past month, pretty much since I returned from France, I have been going around with a huge smile on my face, everything in my life felt pretty good. I posted about it here just over a week ago.

After the weekend I have received lots of support from friends. I have been out for 2 lunches and came away from them with a firm plan. I would say nothing about all of this to hubby for the time being. In effect, all I needed to do to maintain as much pleasantness in the lives of my family as possible was to keep quiet.

Tomorrow is my son's graduation. He has achieved so much, a First Class Degree and with it a prize from his department. We as his parents will be there to see him receive these. Afterwards, dinner with my parents.

As soon as hubby and I sat together last evening after work I knew keeping quiet would be harder than I had thought. I have been married to him for nearly 30 years, of course he knows me and he knew there was something wrong with me. The smirk he has accused me of having for the last few weeks had gone. He hit straight for the jugular and asked questions about S, the weekend and when I would be seeing him again. He wasn't especially unpleasant, but the more I tried to keep my answers level and brief, the more he pushed until eventually I told him I was no longer seeing S. At this point the best thing would have been to let him believe he had a chance or repairing our marriage. But no, I moved straight on to telling him the truth about all of the things I have been thinking.

So the position now, after another night of little sleep, is that I do not know if he will be at either the graduation or dinner after. I have hurt him more than ever, and he through the things he said through the course of the evening and night and the vitriol with which he said them is in an even worse state. My own view of him is that I like him even less today than I did yesterday.

I feel as if I have burst my own bubble well and truly now. I have created one hell of a mess in the pursuit of my own happiness.

So, today, I have to make him see that we have to salvage at least something. We are still parents and our son deserves better than the current behaviour of either of his parents.

Monday, 15 July 2013


Not at all. The past 15 months has opened up a whole new world and made me challenge the status quo of my life. How could I regret that?

The past couple of days have been, to say the least, difficult. No one likes to be told that something must end before they themselves feel that they are ready. Dealing with that message is challenging.

So too is the realisation that your emotions can't be controlled, especially when, like me, you are the kind of person who rarely cries.

On Saturday afternoon I felt rejected, and hurt. Even though we had discussed that day arriving, I had not seen that it had arrived. I know that he had tried to find the right moment to do what he felt he should and must, but for me, I wasn't sure he chose the right one. But then, when would that have been?

I drove home much of the 115 miles with tears either stinging my eyes or with them running down my face. I was upset and confused, but not angry. There had been little time before I needed to leave and he needed to go out to talk. What is more, words were difficult to find. Being given the things in the goody bag that essentially belong to me was bizarre. After all, when will I ever want to get them out again? I bought them for him, my Dom and now I have no Dom (they were my thoughts).

48 hours later the great feeling of grief is already fading a little. I have been grateful for yesterday being Sunday and today being a day off work. Grateful too for the helpful words of support from friends (online and in person). Today, I have fortuitously met a good friend for a prearranged lunch. She has let me talk freely, reassured me when I have been weepy and has offered me just the right amount of advice.

I have also been helped by a lovely email from S (I will call him that from now on as he is no longer Sir) and then a Skype chat last night.

I am clear now about what I need to do to move forward. If when I tell him, hubby thinks we will return to our previous life, he is mistaken. S has helped me see (all be it through the blurred vision of tears) that I need to be free to venture upon the next phase of my life. I hope that he will be part of that phase, just not in the way I might have hoped.

So for this afternoon, right now, I am feeling positive.

I am under no illusions that there will be more than enough ups and downs to come. More knocks and blows. But I know that I have friends around me, including many of you who have left me messages or emailed. Thank you all.

This is not the end of the journey, perhaps it is in truth still beginning?

Saturday, 13 July 2013

It's over

The relationship I have been having for the past 15 months with the man who I called Sir on this website and often outside of it is over.

There have been no arguments, no crossed words even. I believe we will always hold a special place in our hearts for each other, but it has ended.

We found each other at a time we needed what we found with each other. He is more ready than me to move into a new phase in his life and I respect him for his honesty. He is a lovely man, and I won't hear a word said against him.

I can't talk about it here yet. I need to articulate my thoughts and feelings to a few people in the real world first.

All I can say is that I am sad, very sad.

Thursday, 11 July 2013

Looking forward

So yesterday ended in disappointment. But as they say tomorrow is another day. In fact so is today.

My life, as Sir is always reminding me, is mainly positive these days. Redundancy has brought with it new opportunities; new car, apartment in France, new kitchen. In short, i am pretty much financially secure. Of course this doesn't take account of the prospect of divorce, but at the moment that is a way off.

i have been head hunted for the possibility of work that pays twice the rate i am currently receiving. i will need to go for an interview, but the possibility that i will soon be working full time again for a while is definitely there.

i am proud to report i have lost 7lb in 2 weeks. Diet and fitness are going well and i am on track to wear the corset within the month.

Next, arrangements have been made for the signing of papers for ownership of the French apartment. i am pretty excited about this. There will be a couple of short trips over there in the next few weeks and then hopefully i will be able to rent the apartment out before i take a longer holiday. My birthday is coming up, and i am hoping to be over there then. Perhaps taking my son as a treat for all of his hard work. Of course, i will have work for him to do while there, but i think he will be happy to help get things ready for paying guests.

Son's graduation is next Thursday; i will be just so proud!

Tomorrow, i am off to visit Sir (traffic permitting).

The weather here is suddenly as summer should be, so in prospect is an afternoon on the beach, just me, my book and perhaps an ice cream and some water. Then later, Sir and i maybe will have a picnic dinner on the beach. I just love this time of year for its long days and warm weather. Plus there is the prospect of al fresco fun, which knowing Sir will involve some kind of risk of being discovered, plus the pushing of my humiliation related limits.

i look forward to sucking Him.

i look forward to being fucked in all orifices.

i look forward to kneeling before Him.

i just look forward......

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

The best laid plans

The opportunities for Sir and i to get together at the moment are limited. We are just busy people, with lives to live, work to do and family to please. On Sunday, faced with the prospect of not seeing Sir for another month, i hatched a plan. While i wouldn't be able to stay at His place Wednesday (i.e. tonight), due to work commitments on Thursday, we could at least spend part of the afternoon and evening together for some al fresco fun. Then Friday (two days from now), i will travel to His place and stay over even though he has plans for Saturday night and Sunday. I am all for compromise.

Sir got quite excited about the alfresco possibilities. We discussed scenarios for a scene, and were both pulled along by the thought.

He decided white stockings would be in order. As the girls reading this will know, no one wears white these days so that means ivory - bridal ivory i discovered while shopping. But who can wear ivory stockings with a black or red suspender belt? So I ordered a bridal ivory belt from a famous UK shop where people often by lingerie. This morning, having shaved in preparation, i hurried along and collected this garment. Then i went to my work commitment, which even if i say so myself went well.

The satellite  navigation system in my new car told me i would be at my destination at 3.09, which would allow time for putting on said stockings, suspenders and also some heels. By 2.15 i had covered half the journey, all was well.

Then fate took over. An accident on the 'road to hell' meant that in the following hour i travelled a mile at most. At first i thought, OK i'll be a bit late, then, OK, i'll be an hour late. But as time and very little opportunity to get closer to my destination and Sir,  went on, it became apparent that this trip was doomed to failure.

Sir had taken the train, a journey of maybe an hour and a half. I had travelled for 2 hours in my car, then 3 hours, but always we were according to the technology always an hour apart and in the end we decided that we should both head home. Probably a 4 hour wasted journey for us both.

So, today, there has been no fun and games. There has been no ivory suspender belt and stockings, no sex on a picnic table, no picnic, no touching. Nothing but frustration and disappointment.

Sometimes plans are just plans and they don't work out. Thankfully for us, this was the first time this happened. Plus there is still Friday to look forward to!

Tuesday, 9 July 2013


Many of the things i have found i love to do for (and with) Sir are things that hubby has always wanted me to do for him. Indeed it is not true that before i met Sir I had never worn stockings and heels for hubby, it is just that i complained about the idea of it. At the same time, i have sucked hubby's cock, but again, i just didn't really enjoy it. He tends to cum quickly, and i found the idea of that happening before i was even turned on repulsive. In time this led to me refusing to suck him, refusing to dress up, refusing to do anything that would please him.

It wasn't that i didn't want to make him happy, far from it. But i couldn't see what was in it for me. He has never learnt to touch me in a way that arouses, but throws this back at me, since i should have told him, taught him, shared with him how.

Now he knows the kind of things i will gladly do for Sir he is unsurprisingly jealous. What is more he says he is humiliated that people might find out that he is unable to satisfy me.

In fact, i did not stray because of that reason, well not just for sex. Rather, i looked for a whole range of experiences i wasn't getting at home.

i wanted someone to take control of situations, to make decisions to tell me what we should do and how we should do it. At the same time i wanted to feel cared for, to be stimulated not just sexually but emotionally and intellectually. i wanted conversations that didn't include football. i wanted to walk to talk, to find out who i was.

What i found was a D/s relationship, one that i didn't know i needed and one which for the past 15 months has sustained me. I found sex, amazing kinky sex. I found orgasms, humiliation, exhibitionism. But i also found friendship, someone who seemed to understand me and who in turn i could return the favour.

Hubby is jealous of the sex that he perceives (often quite rightly) that Sir and i enjoy. But perhaps he has a right to be jealous, just not of the things he thinks about,

i have some fun things to look forward to this week. i am really looking forward to some summer fun! More, much more to come......

Sunday, 7 July 2013

What I would like right now

Is to be in bed with my Sir, waking to a sunny morning, after the  night before. This morning I woke alone, as I do often these days. If I were in bed with him now, at 6 am, I would hope to still be sleeping, to still need to be asleep. After all yesterday we would have had lots of sex. Perhaps my nipples would still be tender from the clamps, my bottom still tingling from the crop, my ass still a little sore from his cock, my clit still throbbing from the orgasms I had been permitted, my mouth still remembering his cock too.

I have taken to waking up far too early, I don't really know why this is. There is something beautiful about a warm sunny morning; the crisp brightness, the smell, the cool feel, the sounds (of wood pigeons  in this case). Summer has finally arrived here and for that I am grateful even though sleeping is difficult.  Few people in this country would bother with air conditioning in their homes, since you only get a handful of hot days / night sometimes in a whole summer let alone consecutively. For the moment though we seem to be getting perhaps a week, who knows two. While I would rather sleep, being awake isn't altogether un pleasant.

Yesterday, I got to take my lovely shiny new car out for a good run. My parents returned from holiday and I went to collect them from an airport about 30 miles away. Being a Saturday early evening, the roads were pretty clear, so I was able to put my foot down and test it out for speed and general driving pleasure. I am pleased to say it didn't let me down. I enjoyed the music I have on my own iPhone, tried out the Sat Nav (and enjoyed making it recalculate several times as I travelled my own preferred route). That trip was part of the way to Sir's, I would rather have been going there, but since he was out with his children, and my parents were arriving on a plane, I had no choice but to do that instead.

In the next few days hopefully, I will have the chance to kneel before Sir. I suck him, to be used by him. Who knows, if this weather holds, we might even get some out door fun. What I wouldn't give for that right now!

Friday, 5 July 2013

This and that

I am having a quiet time when it comes to kink and all that goes with it. Unfortunately I haven't been able to see Sir for the last couple of weeks, due to work, social and family commitments on both sides. Mean time, a post about this and that....

The first week of my diet has gone well. I lost 4.5lb which I was very pleased with and puts me back to my previously recorded highest weight. I have managed to fit in exercise on 4 days out of 4 and have tried to be more active at other times. I feel motivated and I know Sir shares my desire to have slightly less of me to spank, caress and hold. 

Yesterday for the start of week 2 though, I kind of abandoned the diet for the day as I had a day out with girlfriends at Henley Regatta. This is set along the river Thames at Henley on Thames - a prosperous area of the country. People descend from all over the world to participate in the various rowing races and even more people arrive to watch (the rowing, the scenery, each other). The day involved some lovely food, alcohol (champagne, pimms and wine), girly chat, people watching, strolling and even watching the boats and their occupants. All of which were very pleasant activities. I drank a little too much, but am not really the worse for it today. Back onto the straight and narrow of my diet regime and tomorrow I will restart the exercise.

On Wednesday, I collected my new car. Unfortunately it was at the end of a tiring working day, so I only drove it home on that day. Then yesterday, I was collected by a friend to go off to Henley, returning home this morning. So, this afternoon I have been out for a spin. I didn't really have anywhere special I wanted to go, but I did need to go food shopping. So I decided to go to a supermarket a bit further away than usual so I could get a run out in the car. It is lovely to have a car with air conditioning (my old car didn't have it) and wonderful to smell that new car smell and to just drive. Definitely gave me a better than average feeling while food shopping!

Work is going pretty well and I am now ready to submit my first invoice. It is strange to be back in the old office. But great to see people I used to work with. I have decided I like being back at work, being busy, but I like working part time even more.

On Tuesday I went with my sister in law to see Robbie Williams at Wembley Stadium in London and had a wonderful time. Robbie was definitely back to his best and Ollie Murs was pretty good too. It was lovely to spend time with my sister in law, who is now divorced from my brother and who I don't get to see often enough now. 

So, even though things are quiet on the seeing Sir front. they have been far from quiet generally. Now for a hot and sunny weekend and maybe some chill-out time!