Am I the only one who didn't see?

Today I had lunch with my sister in law, Well the ex wife of one of my brothers. Our son's, cousins, are best friends and grew up together. We have more in common than we have differences in our lives these days, despite difficult times in the past. She told me that I look well, happy and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This is interesting, since this week has been a struggle. I am tired, have been very very down. Plagued with hot flushes, and mood swings, this has been a difficult week and it is only Wednesday.

She told me that she wondered how I have remained in this marriage for so long. She told me that I deserve to be happy.

Last week, on her birthday my mum asked me not to bring hubby to her small gathering. She told my brother that he has made her daughter unhappy for years and she didn't want him there for her birthday.

I have heard a number of stories now, that he hit on other people as well as the affair he had early on in our marriage. The relationship he has now, which he says is platonic, has gone on longer than he originally admitted. To think that I spent so long worrying about my infidelity currently seems crazy.

Time after time, I hear that people are pleased I have made this change. That they can see I am now happy, where as for years I was not.

For years, I was pretty miserable. I thought no one saw. I never reached out because I thought it was a burden I should carry alone. I thought no one would understand.

For all the sadness I have felt this week, I sense I am close to happiness. I see my freedom within a hare's breath.

I feel sad now that I waited so long. But then again, since I didn't actually know what I needed, I am not sure I should feel that way.

Still, why did no one say any of the things they say now?

No more

Yesterday I had a bad day and the origins of it can be found in the amount of sleep I had. Every weekend I am able to unwind, to relax and to sleep. When I am with Master, I am able to do those things to a greater extent. He is a man who likes His sleep, likes nothing more than to stay in bed late and I am coming to enjoy that too. But part of the reason for this (other than being close to Him), is that I am seriously sleep deprived all week. Master and many people who visit this place know that is the case, and the reasons for it. He and they have given me the benefit of their wisdom on this matter. But until now, I have been unable, unwilling even to face it. But this must stop.

Yesterday started badly and other things which happened through the day just made it worse. Things that I should have been able to manage, things I should have been able to just ignore. But the original cause was a restless night knowing hubby would turn up and then the usual 4.30am early call. A late night on Sunday meant I did manage to get back to sleep briefly, but to be frank, none of my sleep had been of a good quality.

Last night I went to bed early and slept well. Until 4.30am when hubby walked in. This morning though there has been no more sleep. He apologised for waking me and of course I said it was ok. BUT, it was NOT ok.

Another conversation is needed and a change is required. This behaviour cannot go on. I refuse to go through another week where I am woken like this. I refuse to have that man invading what is now my personal space, to do something which obviously makes him feel better. Time for yet more action.

Reflecting on last night

It is hard to express how difficult I found it to take charge of a situation such as was necessary yesterday. Every aspect of the time spent out with hubby screamed at me as something I didn't want to do. It isn't that I didn't want to face facts, to accept that I need to move things on. It was that I was made to act in a way that is increasingly becoming alien to me. Every day at work I handle situations that require me to take the lead, that is not an issue. Likewise there are family situations where I need to do the same. But when it comes to relationships, the acknowledgement that I am submissive makes it increasingly challenging to act as I did.

At the forefront of my mind now, it that I need, indeed am required to consider my Master and to think about whether he would approve of and be proud of my actions and behaviours. Last night was no exception.

Hubby continues to struggle with the whole idea that we cannot just live as we are - a kind of part time arrangement where 2 or 3 nights a week we spend time in the same house and even still the same bed. Meantime he lives elsewhere, with a woman he claims is just a friend. A friend who, it turns out he has been seeing for over 18 months and who he met through a trip organised by people I formerly worked with. Trips he took last year, claiming to be with male friends, were with her. But, they are just friends........

There were tears (not mine), there was anger (not mine), there was pleading (not by me). I was calm and controlled. I retained my composure throughout. However, I wanted to walk away from the situation, I wanted to be allowed to cry, to seek reassurance. I didn't because, at all times I was considering that I needed to do what I promised Master I would.

So we have agreement that we will work on the house and that work will be shared. Then we will put the house on the market and begin the process. Sadly I felt unable to say "by the way, can you move yourself and your belongings into the spare room and do it tonight". But I have a plan about that for the near future.

This morning, hubby has texted to apologise (yet again) for the way he behaved. I suggested we keep talking about what we need to do. 

Master is proud of how I am dealing with this situation and because I trust his judgement, I too am happy. I have some momentum now and I intend to keep it going. 

On the cusp

Today feels really important.

Today is the day, I finally feel strong enough to do what needs to be done.

Today is the day I get together with hubby to sort out how we will end things - there are some practical things that need to be done in relation to the house, garden etc.)

This week members of my family have helped me see that it is time, and that has helped my resolve strengthen.

Plus I have the guidance and support of Master to spur me on. He wishes me to be composed in my actions.

I needed to record these things on this blog today, this is after all a journal of my journey.

A journey that started here 2 years and 4 months ago, but has it's roots in the history of our marriage.

I know who I am, who I wish to be. There is no going back, and I am happy to walk forward into a new part of my life, whatever that brings with it.

6 Months

Friday was the 6 month anniversary of the day I met a man in a pub for a drink. That day was cool and damp. The UK had been 'enjoying' one of the wettest winters on record and the roads around that village were flooded. We took a little walk around the village to look at the sights - The main attraction, the house of a famous author and playwright was closed for the winter. The two local churches (one ruined), were open and we walked around. The man I met on that day, now my Master, says He felt my submission as we strolled, as He touched me and as we kissed. Certainly something happened.

A couple of weeks ago we returned. We had arranged to meet my friend Destiny and her Master for lunch. We got there early and went to the famous author and playwright's house. It was a beautiful summer's day. We wandered around and we sat in the beautiful gardens. As is His way, Master stroked his girl's leg as we stood or sat together. He likes to remind me of who I am and who owns me at times like that. Of course, I wore no underwear on that second time, and was accessible to Him at all times, that is a rule.

The lunch meeting was pleasant, this was the first time we had all met in real time. It was fun getting to know each other properly and to chat. 

Afterwards we all walked around the church yards and into the churches, Master and I spoke of that day, 6 months before. Master reminded me that He felt my submission on that day, a submission that has grown and that we both feel so intensely now. There were quite a few people around, including of course our friends, but there were times on that afternoon that I felt that we were truly the only people  in that beautiful place. 

On Thursday night, probably already after midnight, we spoke of the journey I have taken since that day, February 1st. We spoke of the ways in which I am different - calmer, more measured in my approach to things. We spoke of my submission which is deeper than it has ever been.

I can't say how glad I feel I met the man I now call Master and that we found something we both needed inside of us both. 

New focus

It is a couple of weeks since I decided to take a break and a little longer since I posted properly here. I am ready to return, but will be trying to focus on myself, my journey and things that are important to me.  In the few weeks before my break, I had struggled for topics. But also I felt constrained by the knowledge that this is a public place and therefore can be read by anyone. I was finding some aspects of communication with my Master difficult and was also struggling in the relationship His other slave  and I are trying to form.  This was not and still is not the place to do that. This is a place for me to express myself and my feelings, to consider my progress, my journey.

My blogging break when it came was as the result of an event. With my permission (perhaps some would say misguided), I gave permission for Master's slave  (who from now on I will refer to as k), to read my blog. At the same time I was allowed to read her journal.  Not surprisingly, we both became upset about some of the things we read. After all these are personal accounts and they involve relationships with the same man. What is more, she and I have not actually met yet.

I felt that I should at that point rethink this blog and whether I continued with it in a public place, made it private or indeed closed it all together. Master and I discussed this issue at some length and I came to the decision to take a break and at the same time, create a place for He and I to communicate with each other. This has proved successful, and has meant I can write things I have not been able to articulate into spoken words and allow those thoughts to be discussed between us.

k and I have also spent time trying to get to know each other, to try to avoid the misunderstandings which can occur when you are learning to trust each other as we are. I don't deny this is an ongoing journey for us both, but I think we are both moving to a different place in terms of our relationship with each other and the trust we need to have.

So, I return to my blog. I will continue to write and I continue to follow this journey.

Dealing with the relationships

When I started the relationship with Master, I knew about His slave. But since we were getting together predominantly to play, and maybe just go out together. We would provide company to each other, during a difficult time for us both. She seemed happy with the arrangement. We all discussed the whole poly thing, but to be frank none of us really saw what was coming.

Over the last 5 months (yesterday was the anniversary of our first meeting), things have developed. There is something special between us that at times, for me feels over whelming. The nature of a D/s relationship, the trust and the control add something that conventional relationships don't necessarily have. Add to that the elements present during play, add in even the nature of the sex itself. This was never going to be about playing and keeping each other company. You can be sure it isn't.

What I didn't realise though was the intensity of the relationship between Master's other girl and Him. This is not to say I shouldn't have realised, since I already understood their future plans. But I was caught up in the moment.

She and I have communicated on and off for most of the past 5 months. We are friends on Facebook and message each other there or on Skype. But both find this a challenge. We both say things that upset the other, and then that leads to difficulties not just for us, but also for Master too who is the one to pick up the pieces. Of course, you might say He got Himself into this, which He did. But still, it is the reality.

What is apparent to me though, and to Him, is that I am a little more vulnerable that people might imagine. My demeanour, my words, suggest someone in control of herself and her emotions. But the enormity of some of the issues going on in my life mean that appearances can be deceptive. Add in the fact that I am still learning to be the kind of submissive I need to be, and that He wants of me and at times I feel like a gibbering wreck. A careless word, a photo on Fetlife and I am reading all kinds of things into the meaning - even if there probably isn't one to find.

I am going to try to step back a little from my relationship with her again. I don't want to cause offence, but at the moment I need to consider myself.

I don't know what the future will bring for any or all of us. But for the moment, I am happy in the relationship I have. I know I need to concentrate on being the person I want and need to be and in serving the Man who is my Master. Concentrate too on what I can manage and control and what should be controlled in me.

Used but not in a good way

I do feel that I am making progress in my life in general. Family and friends are gradually learning about the changes I am making with regards to my marriage. I have sought some relationship counselling, and have been to a first session, though am waiting to hear about a longer course. I have seen a solicitor for some legal advice. Hubby knows it is over between us - he might say otherwise, but his body language tells me he does. Plus there is the relationship with Sir, which goes from strength to strength.

Still though I am plagued with doubts - Can I go through with this whole thing? Can I manage the process of splitting everything, selling the house etc? My dad is very unwell and we are likely to lose him this year, my mum will need lots of support; can I support them enough in their time of need? How will all of this affect me, affect my relationships with others?

I am embracing my submission with Sir. I love the feeling it gives me and I know that he loves it too; the sense of power, of dominance is good for him.

But it is in other aspects of my life where I still find myself being submissive to the wrong people in the wrong ways.

Hubby returned from about a week away yesterday. He took up his usual residence on the sofa watching football and then other mindless programmes. I ran around after him in the usual way I do. But these days I hate myself for it. Hate that I suspend my usual life for him. We had things to catch up on, and did discuss them, but in truth we skirt around the real issues and otherwise have nothing much to say to each other.

Then there is my brother, who last night stung me for a 'loan' I will never see returned. On Monday he apparently left his girlfriend and moved in with my parents. I saw him when I went to see them. We discussed him doing some work here for me (painting and gardening), since he is between jobs and has no money. By last night the payment for work had turned into a larger 'loan' which he will pay back when earning again. Like a fool, I transferred the money to his account and not 10 minutes later my dad texted me to say my brother had gone home! I felt completely used and still do. Ok, so tomorrow I will get my dining room, which has been ready for painting for 4 months, decorated. But still my brother, who I love has used us all.

This morning, I ironed a shirt for my son. Apparently a black shirt doesn't go with black jeans. I gave him some grey jeans. A stronger response, but what, you may well ask am I doing ironing the clothes of a 23 year old who can iron his own?

Maybe I am being hard on myself. I know I am a good hearted person who wants to help others, who sees their problems as larger than my own. But I know that to find real fulfilment in my life, this kind of thing has to stop. It is just working out how, without being a burden on Sir.

I need a strength that sometimes I don't think I have. How on earth to I find it and still be the submissive I want to be, and know I can be?

Communication

I am beginning to think that perhaps I am really terrible at communicating. That I don't express myself properly to those around me, that perhaps what I think should be said and indeed, has been said has actually happened in my head. That even when I try to communicate with those around me, the responses are not what I want or expect and so perhaps I apply my own interpretation to them.

This week, I have spent one evening with hubby. We have texted a little, but are no closer to understanding where we are going. I apply my understanding - that very soon we will have ceased to be husband and wife. He applies his - that if we see little of each other then at some point soon I will change my mind. Most mornings this week, he has crept in a 5ish, got dressed for work, laid down beside me and then half an hour later left, without speaking. He doesn't speak, as I told him I hated being disturbed at that kind of hour. But what I really meant was - don't turn up at 5 in the morning, I don't want you here at all and certainly not then. Have I actually told him that? I thought I had, but perhaps not!

My communication with Graeme this week, has mainly been one way. I leave him a message on yahoo, he doesn't respond. I leave another. I text him, he doesn't respond. He sends me a text, I reply with 2 or 3. He has been preoccupied all week with other things in his life. I have anxieties about those distractions that make me fearful, but of course I struggle to express this.

I miss the constant communication we seemed to have a week or two ago, but have I actually discussed with him how we might best communicate and when? No, of course not. We skyped the other evening for quite a long time and of course that should be sufficient, but is it? Of course not. Have I told him this? No.

Last night we were out together, we were seeing what was a great film from the silent era. Sadly the film was ruined for us both by some loud, live music which didn't fit the film one bit. He was much more irritated and disturbed by this whole thing than I was, and so we spent time we might have discussed other things talking about that. Then at dinner, a couple next to us appeared to be more interesting to him than me. He couldn't help it, but was tuned to their conversation and spent much of the time wondering what they were saying and why, as well as fussing about her accent which kept changing.

I returned home frustrated unhappy. My lovely evening hadn't gone to plan. The time I thought I would be getting as mine, was not.

How will I communicate better so that I am clearer and so that I don't end up quite so unhappy about the way I have tried to communicate?

I guess we will have to talk things through. I guess I need to do that in both of these relationships - otherwise it won't just be the marriage that is doomed to failure!

Sir - is it me?

Yesterday

i have rarely had such a difficult day to deal with. But it is over now, and i can look back on it. There is no guarantee that these kinds of stresses won't happen again, but i guess there is more chance that you can cope if they have happened before.

Previous episodes of sub drop have been quite gradual, this was sudden. On Monday night i was flying high; my blog post demonstrates that (as has been pointed out to me). On Tuesday morning i read a short message left on yahoo and by the time i reached work a couple of hours later i felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world. i was angry, bitter, upset and very very sad. It was late afternoon before i spoke to Sir, and our conversation definitely helped. This was as well since at 6.30 i was due to have my first counselling session regarding my marriage.

The last thing i needed yesterday was to be thinking about my relationship with Sir and His with the other lady. Instead i was consumed with them. While high on Sunday night, i had let down my guard with her and had said some things that upset her (not intentionally). In turn i have now been seriously upset, the apparent malice the result of her hitting out while hurt. For now, i will stop all similar contact.

i went to the relationship counselling on my own. Hubby and i are in different places vis a vis our marriage. He still wants us to live together, to keep the weird status quo within which we exist. i do not. The session was useful. i came away with some clear thoughts on what i need to do - practical things - before i begin the counselling proper in a few weeks (there is a short waiting list).

Sunday was mother's day here and for one reason and another, my son and i had not had much time together that day. He suggested dinner out, and since hubby was due to be home the three of us went out. This turned out to be a disaster. My lack of wedding ring was noticed by hubby for the first time and his mood spiralled. He spent most of the meal silent, morose, and giving eye contact to neither my son or to me. The evening, which had started well became uncomfortable for my son and i as we struggled to carry on as if he were not there.

The interesting thing is that the behaviour then and since then (later last night and again this morning) was exactly what i discussed with the counsellor might happen. Apparently i am wicked and take pleasure in being as horrible as i can to him. It was almost as if the past 18 months has been a dream, or else that he has been living on another planet.

This marriage breakup is going to be very difficult and painful. i am going to need every inch of strength i have to get through this and i am going to need Sir's help. i cannot and must not let other outside stresses that i don't need to worry about get in the way. Though of course, knowing me is bound to happen at some point.

New day

Isn't it odd that on one day we can feel so down and almost despondent and the next, pretty much on top of the world. Well maybe not on top, since today is a working day - Friday - but there is lots to look forward to. Plus the self doubts of yesterday have receded. Mainly due to communication with those who are important.

In the past, when I have felt down, I have tended to bottle my feelings, to keep them within. Then usually I have been able to keep them under the surface. Right now though, everything is surfacing at once. So conversations about Graeme's other relationship some how trigger anxieties in me about totally unrelated but quite similar things. I am gripped with self doubt and a now deep feeling that I will give up control and then be abandoned.

These thoughts are unnecessary even in the context of a potentially unconventional relationship in the longer term.

Now though I have some strategies. I have recognised the need for some external help to deal with my feelings around the ending of my marriage and how to deal with the fall out. This is an area where  I so wish I could give control to another, but know that it can't be so.

Tonight I have a night out with a friend who has been a great source of support throughout the past year or so as I move through this part of my journey. She is a person who is clear about some of the things I should be doing to get to the place I want and need to be. She has no idea of my kinky side, but believes I need and deserve so much more than I have had.

Then tomorrow afternoon, evening and night, time with Graeme. Time to re discover my submission and to worship Him in the way i know he wishes me to and i have that deem need for. Time to shake off the doubts and just enjoy Him.

Feelings

The happiness I have been feeling for the past few weeks will not last. The reality is that for both of us, what we have is a gap filler. For me, it hopefully helps me finally end the relationship I have been in for all these years but which if I let it would slowly destroy me. For him it is until he is with the person he loves.

These may be things we choose to forget when we are playing, when we are walking hand in hand, eating a meal or when he is owning part of my body. I have willingly given that body to him, but it is not a forever thing.

The question for me is, how do I make sure that I don't get myself hurt too badly?  I need this relationship with him, and I think he does with me. We are good together and we make each other happy.

But I am anxious. I am wary and I am a little bit scared.

I need something that he won't be able to give me, though for now that probably doesn't matter. It does worry me however that after this is over, I will have to pick myself up again and move on.

Dramatic, self centred, selfish? Yes. But since I have started to think about me, that is how I am.

I have realised that where I felt I could manage this thing on my own, I now realise I probably need some outside help to manage my feelings and my anxieties about the future.

Life feels good

I haven't posted here for a few weeks. For once, it isn't because I don't want to write something, or because there has been nothing to say. It is just because I have been busy; and in a good way.

I spent part of last weekend with S. After a day of getting on top of home related things (Cupboard clearing part of the preparation for a new kitchen which gets fitted this coming week), I set off. For once, the roads were clear and within 2 hours (trust me that is good going), I was with him. We spent a pleasant evening with some of his friends - BBQ, wine and good conversation - in what will be the last evening out of doors this year.

Back at his we were not late to bed. We were both weary (he had been on a cycle ride during the day and I had as I said been busy in the kitchen), but a few kisses led to some touches and before I knew it, he was inside me. After 3 weeks, it was a wonderful feeling as he pushed inside and stretched me once again. Then as we moved together, as he made me cum and then as he pushed his cock into my tight tight ass. Finally as he came inside me, I felt a huge sense of pleasure and well being. 

In the morning S cooked us some very good scrambled eggs with toast - did I ever say how much he looks after me when I am with him? Yes of course, but it is worth saying that he is a great cook!! So much so that I don't really like scrambled eggs, but love his!!

The day was beautiful, more like summer than some summer days often are. We spent some time planning a geocaching trip. Then, went back to bed.

This time I put on some underwear. Stockings and suspenders, heels - his favourite kind of thing. Then lay in wait. 

Stroking me, he noted just how wet I was. Wet and wanton. Positioning himself so he could carry on stroking me, he made it clear he wanted me to suck his cock. I took him into my mouth, gradually taking him deeper. Somehow, I was in the optimum position and he slipped further and further down, yet unusually for me, I didn't gag. Not even once! All the time, he was working my clit, stroking me there, pinching and bringing me to the edge, time and time again. For the first time in maybe months I really let myself sink into those feelings. 

At some point, I requested nipple clamps. But he said he wasn't quite sure where they were, so applied a human version. There were moments over the next little while when I wondered quite why I had made that request, but as always there was a fine line between pain and pleasure and so pleasure won!

We spent the day out in the beautiful countryside not far from where S lives. Walking, chatting, getting my all time best number of caches in a day. Eating our picnic, drinking our tea. Generally enjoying each others company.

On the way home, it occurred to me that I am just pretty happy right now. Things with S are different to before.  I am not sure how, but they are and what is more they are different in a very good way.

Lost

I think it might be true to say I have lost my way a little here. I am struggling to move on, to work out how to get through the mess that is my life right now.

Well of course my life doesn't seem to be a mess to those around me. People tell me I have a great opportunity to be happy, to do exactly as I want. This of course, is what I wanted (hubby loves to tell me that).  I have a new job, which is going to be great, I know. I am excited about my employment prospects and potential earnings. I am excited about the new apartment in France, though wish I could be there more than I will be able to due to work (not enough days in the week).

Things with hubby are just the same, truth be told. He is away more than he is here, but I seem to lack the will / ability / nerve to tell him to leave permanently. I am frightened of upsetting the status quo on that one. We have been together for so very long it is hard to do things without consulting with him and at the same time he wants the contact from me. I need someone to discuss things with, and to be honest there isn't anyone else. I have friends, some very good ones, but I don't think that I want to use them as my daily sounding board.

I know what I need, I need a Sir. I need a man who can help me make sense of my life and who can take control. There are one or two people out there who would probably take up that mantle, if I let them. But to be truthful it is not them I want.

I would like some good sex, kinky or not (preferably the former), and I would happily submit. Trouble is I can't do that with just anyone, there has to be a connection of the right kind. As a woman who has in truth been with only two men in all of my 51 years, I am not about to go off and find just anyone!

I know I will get over the hurt I still feel. I know there is no going back, but it is really hard to know how to make that happen and quickly. Especially as it seems that He doesn't actually have anyone else anymore. I guess I should feel glad that it didn't last, and in a way I am, but actually I would like to see him happy. And me, I want to be happy too, but I really am lost right now!

Jealousy

Many of the things i have found i love to do for (and with) Sir are things that hubby has always wanted me to do for him. Indeed it is not true that before i met Sir I had never worn stockings and heels for hubby, it is just that i complained about the idea of it. At the same time, i have sucked hubby's cock, but again, i just didn't really enjoy it. He tends to cum quickly, and i found the idea of that happening before i was even turned on repulsive. In time this led to me refusing to suck him, refusing to dress up, refusing to do anything that would please him.

It wasn't that i didn't want to make him happy, far from it. But i couldn't see what was in it for me. He has never learnt to touch me in a way that arouses, but throws this back at me, since i should have told him, taught him, shared with him how.

Now he knows the kind of things i will gladly do for Sir he is unsurprisingly jealous. What is more he says he is humiliated that people might find out that he is unable to satisfy me.

In fact, i did not stray because of that reason, well not just for sex. Rather, i looked for a whole range of experiences i wasn't getting at home.

i wanted someone to take control of situations, to make decisions to tell me what we should do and how we should do it. At the same time i wanted to feel cared for, to be stimulated not just sexually but emotionally and intellectually. i wanted conversations that didn't include football. i wanted to walk to talk, to find out who i was.

What i found was a D/s relationship, one that i didn't know i needed and one which for the past 15 months has sustained me. I found sex, amazing kinky sex. I found orgasms, humiliation, exhibitionism. But i also found friendship, someone who seemed to understand me and who in turn i could return the favour.

Hubby is jealous of the sex that he perceives (often quite rightly) that Sir and i enjoy. But perhaps he has a right to be jealous, just not of the things he thinks about,

i have some fun things to look forward to this week. i am really looking forward to some summer fun! More, much more to come......

Some more of 30 days of me

Just like with the 30 days of submission, it is taking a while to get through these, so I am going to post about 3 of them today and weave in some of my thoughts following yesterday's post. 

What I wore today

Since it is shortly before 10am, as I write this, I am still wearing what I wore today (as it were). That is jeans and a white shirt. Since giving up work, I have worn jeans / trousers pretty much every day. Except that is one day last week when it was sunny and warm (today is sunny but not very warm) and I chanced a summer skirt and tee shirt. Getting back into work wear once I restart work will be kind of strange I think. During the winter Sir has been very tolerant of my wearing trousers, I am sure though that as the weather improves I will be wearing more of the kind of clothes he likes, and loving it!

Most memorable of 2013 so far

I think that even if I answered this on 31st December, my most memorable kinky day will be this one. The other memorable day hasn't happened yet - my son graduates this summer and I think that will be something very special.

Something that means a lot to me

Contrary to what people might think, my marriage means a lot to me. To have been married for nearly 29 years (in June) is an amazing thing. I remember when we reached our 5th anniversary, I threw a party - that is the achievement getting to that milestone seemed. Already we had been through problems of his infidelity, little did I know that he continued to see the person after that date. But as he says, that is all a long time ago.

Hubby is questioning whether I am currently throwing away the best part of our lives by questioning whether I want to stay married to him. I don't believe that at all, but I certainly don't consider going down this path lightly. 

As a friend said to me this morning in an email, marriage is a partnership and sometimes things for one person change more than the other. For us I think that is  the case. Hubby is confused, since in his eyes he is trying hard to change, but for me it feels too little too late. Plus, there is the added problem that I have discovered so much about myself that I can't quite see where he fits any more. 

However, every time I get close to admitting that we should perhaps call it a say, I pull back. This happened over the last 12 hours. I know that is, while I truly value my new relationship with Sir and the things we do together. My relationship with hubby and our marriage also means a lot. 

Thinking about the previous question - the most memorable event - I think it is true to say that  this year over all will be pretty memorable, whatever happens in the end.

Will today define the future?

Hubby has been away. He has been out of the country, away to a sunny place, with a male friend. He went, he said to think, to clear his head and to decide. He has been away now for 11 days and has been in contact through texts twice. In the most recent one on Friday, he still seemed as angry as when he left.

I have been busy, both in terms of spending time with Sir, but also in doing other things - catching up with friends, going out and about, taking my son back to college and doing some de-cluttering. I have tried not to spend time thinking deeply about him and about what will happen next. Indeed whole days have gone by when I haven't really considered him at all. Yesterday I went on my second meet up event, this time to the Victoria and Albert Museum in London for a cultural treasure hunt. I was in a team of 4 other women, all, I think in their 30's. We had a great time, got on well together and won! We celebrated with a lovely Lebanese meal, before some of the others went on to a night out and I came home. Through these groups I am learning to explore life outside of the relationship I have with hubby, outside of family and current friends and outside of the safety net of 30 years. I am finding it interesting and enjoyable.

There are times when I sit here and feel that I have been unfair on Hubby, after all for years he did nothing that was particularly wrong and I have repaid him by having an affair. Not only have I had sex with another man, the sex has been kinky and I have told him I will not give it up. But this marriage has been something of a sham for years. OK so we have looked happy and for a lot of the time we have been reasonably so. But scratch the surface of our relationship and you would have found uneasiness, often unhappiness and frustration (mainly on my part). I have discovered that a breach of trust committed 20 years ago and brushed under the carper cannot be forgiven as easily as I thought.

This 11 days has shown me that I can go it alone. I can manage by myself and not only survive but laugh and love, and I can be happy.

I know there is a lot of heartache to come, but even if he is no clearer about what he wants, I think I am.

Last night on the train coming home, I remembered something that I had said to a friend very soon after I was married. Something that should have warned me. I told her that I had been in love with getting married, in love with the day, but that now, here I was married, I didn't know if I was really in love with my husband. And, though I fought hard for him when I thought I might lose him to another woman 20 years about, I wonder if I ever truly was.