Wednesday, 17 September 2014


After much consideration I have decided to move my blog. The reasons for this have been described over a long period of time, in the posts below.

I need to be able to blog freely. To feel that this is my place, somewhere that is mine.

I have contacted some of the people who visit here regularly but find that this is fraught with difficulty. Many of you, not surprisingly keep your contact details so well hidden that I have found it impossible to reach you.

If you wish to know where to find me then email me at and I will point you to where you need to go.

Of course, you won't be disappointed.

I will delete and close this blog in a few weeks time - all my posts are at the new place.

Meanwhile, thank you for reading and good bye from world of joolz. You have all helped me on my journey and hopefully will continue to do so.

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

Just when there is more BDSM in my life than ever

I am not sure I am free to express what is in my heart, my mind and my body.

I may soon have to move this blog.

Because I don't want to go private.

Monday, 8 September 2014


I found a new blogger via Abby, today. Ok so I am late to Han Van Meegeren's party, but better late than never.

These questions have appeared on his site, and been answered by Abby and others. Here goes:

  • Kissed a girl? Once, in a kissing a girl sense. Lots of times in a kissing your friends and family kind of way
  • Kissed a boy? Oh yes
  • Had sex in public? In a place that is public, but not in public.
  • What's your religion? Officially Church of England, but I like the spirituality side of things and the music rather than religion itself.
  • What does your URL mean? Joolz was a name I was given when I was younger, and when thinking about this blog and a new kind of lifestyle it seemed right. Now though, I am not sure it quite fits. But it is what my blog is called.
  • Reason you joined blogland? I have blogged for years. Firstly about work and life generally and then here. My blogs have always been about me being able to express myself. A way of recording my thoughts and feelings. 
  • Do you have any nicknames? Jools / Joolz when younger and recently to some people. Master calls me girl (is that a nickname, or just His name for me?)
  • Do you like bubble bath? Yes, very much. I don't have a bath often these days, as a shower is quick and convenient. Now a bubble bath is a luxury!
  • Kissed in the rain? Oh yes
  • Dyed your hair? I have been doing just that while writing this. A good point to go wash it off!

So, several hours have gone by and on with the questions:

  • Soup of salad? Soup in winter, preferably home made, the rest of the time, salad
  • Vegetable or meat? I love vegetables, but couldn't give up meat...
  • Go out drinking? Mainly when having dinner, but since I met Master, I have been out to more bars and pubs than for a long time.
  • Smoke cigarettes? Never
  • Smoke weed? I have lived a sheltered life
  • Do any hard drugs? I am no good with prescription drugs so I doubt I could handle anything recreational
  • Have you had sex today? No, sadly.....
  • Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms? Yes, quite a few times lately.
  • The relationship between you and the person you last texted? He is my Master.
  • Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yes, actually they have. 
  • Skipped homework to play a video game? Occasionally....
  • Tried to commit suicide? No 
  • The last time you felt broken? Last year, July....
  • Had to lie to EVERYONE abut how you felt? Yes, last July...
  • Do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend? Boy....well more a man to be frank.....
  • Do you have long hair or short? Shorter than it was, and I like it.
  • First thing you notice in a girl? Her sense of dress
  • Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes, but Master would win on that one!
  • Do you dance in the car? Only when alone
  • Where were you yesterday? Woke up with Master, spent the afternoon with my parents and slept alone at home.
  • Ever used a bow and arrow? Tried once when a child, I was rubbish!
  • Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Probably at one of my brothers' weddings. Does that count. If wedding photos don't count then when I was at school!
  • Do you think musicals are cheesy? No, and I saw one on Saturday which was fantastic - Guys and Dolls!
  • Is Christmas stressful? Yes when my mother is involved!
  • Favourite type of fruit pie? Apple
  • Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A nurse and I became one.
  • Do you believe in ghosts? Kind of
  • Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes, definitely.
  • Take a vitamin daily? No time for that kind of thing. Fresh fruit, veg etc is better.
  • Wear slippers? In winter. Otherwise bare feet.
  • Wear a bath robe? Sometimes.
  • What do you wear to bed? Nothing.
  • Do you want to get married? Still legally married and no thanks, never again.
  • Can you curl your tongue? Yes
  • How many relationships have you had? Three
  • How can I win your heart? You can't, I am happy as I am for now.
  • What makes a great relationship? Communication, trust and honesty. That and the ability to laugh and not take yourselves too seriously.
  • Shy or open? Shy with new people and strangers, but extroverted with people I know. Having said that, very few know the real me.
  • Religious or non-religious? I am not religious.

Thursday, 4 September 2014


As a nurse I have watched the dying process and I have been with people when they have died. I have cared for people afterwards, washed them, prepared them for their loved ones. I have spent time with those loved ones at all parts of the process. As a nurse, I have cared for people for many weeks, from the time they knew they would die, until the end. What I am realising is, that I was less prepared for the long process of dying than I knew. Especially when that person is your own parent.

I have always been closer to my dad than my mum. She and I have a love hate relationship. I guess we are too similar to really like each other, much as we really do love and care. With dad though, I am the only daughter, and we have spent more time than I can say in discussion. Chatting, analysing and generally putting the world to rights. He has always been there to advise, to support. He has been a tower of strength through some hard times. Suddenly those roles seem to be reversed. Much as I have managed this transition, the complete role reversal is almost too much to bear.

Since last Christmas, we have pretty much known that this is the year that will be his last. The deterioration has been gradual, though at times there have been major problems which made me wonder if things would be more sudden. Instead this process is painful and it is slow. Day by day, week by week, I have watched him waste away. The big, strong man can now barely lift a light bag of shopping. His disease is bit by bit removing his strength, his mobility, his ability to get through each day. 

I know he hates the person he has become. I know that he sees what I do, that he looks much older now than he is.

He can still hold a good conversation, but gradually he is losing interest in the things that were special to him. He looks around him and knows that time is short, therefore why bother with football and cricket (previous passions), especially when the teams he follows don't appear to even try to win. In the past we discussed current affairs, politics; all of that seems less important now. He lives day to day, week to week. He knows the end is near, but not how near it is.

The only thing we can do now is to visit to help out. To encourage the grandchildren to visit. They have a baby great grandson who is a source of joy. Visits tire him, but at the same time make the struggle worthwhile.

Today I had a conversation with his hospice nurse. Suddenly, during that conversation, I realised. I was not discussing a patient. I was discussing my dad. On Monday I am meeting her at their house, to begin to discuss how we make his death the best it can be. The next few weeks will be hard. 

I am really sad right now.

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

TMI Tuesday - Love, Life and Lessons

1. Are you happy with your job? Why or Why not?
This is a job that suits my needs now - I have the hours, pay and job satisfaction I need. I no longer worry about my career because I have a different balance to life.
2. What do you want?
Once I don't need to work, I won't. There is more to life for me now.
3. Who first broke your heart?
Hubby broke my heart early in our marriage. I regret not dealing with that sooner, but we are where we are and I am happy with what life offers for now.
4. What is the biggest mistake you’ve made in a relationship?
Not dealing with problems at the time. That and going back.
5. What did you learn from you last lover/ex-significant other?
That when S told me that I would find what I was looking for, he actually knew what he was talking about. That and finding out that his eternal search for his soulmate would be so difficult for him. I was never she, and knew it all the time in reality.
6. What novel has been instrumental in shaping your views at any point in your life? Why?

Not sure my life has been shaped by books, but more that I have read different types of books at different times. Books about nursing in my teens, books about life, love. Latterly a mix of crime, drama and literary classics. Don't ever ask my favourite - I only remember the story for a short time!
7. Tell us about a favorite TV broadcast show you currently enjoy? Give us a synopsis of the show.

I have no time for tv right now, don't you know how busy my life is?
Bonus: What is your current favorite song to listen to over and over again?
Keane - A place only we know or Robbie Williams - Angels.