Monday, 29 April 2013

Some more of 30 days of me

Just like with the 30 days of submission, it is taking a while to get through these, so I am going to post about 3 of them today and weave in some of my thoughts following yesterday's post. 

What I wore today

Since it is shortly before 10am, as I write this, I am still wearing what I wore today (as it were). That is jeans and a white shirt. Since giving up work, I have worn jeans / trousers pretty much every day. Except that is one day last week when it was sunny and warm (today is sunny but not very warm) and I chanced a summer skirt and tee shirt. Getting back into work wear once I restart work will be kind of strange I think. During the winter Sir has been very tolerant of my wearing trousers, I am sure though that as the weather improves I will be wearing more of the kind of clothes he likes, and loving it!

Most memorable of 2013 so far

I think that even if I answered this on 31st December, my most memorable kinky day will be this one. The other memorable day hasn't happened yet - my son graduates this summer and I think that will be something very special.

Something that means a lot to me

Contrary to what people might think, my marriage means a lot to me. To have been married for nearly 29 years (in June) is an amazing thing. I remember when we reached our 5th anniversary, I threw a party - that is the achievement getting to that milestone seemed. Already we had been through problems of his infidelity, little did I know that he continued to see the person after that date. But as he says, that is all a long time ago.

Hubby is questioning whether I am currently throwing away the best part of our lives by questioning whether I want to stay married to him. I don't believe that at all, but I certainly don't consider going down this path lightly. 

As a friend said to me this morning in an email, marriage is a partnership and sometimes things for one person change more than the other. For us I think that is  the case. Hubby is confused, since in his eyes he is trying hard to change, but for me it feels too little too late. Plus, there is the added problem that I have discovered so much about myself that I can't quite see where he fits any more. 

However, every time I get close to admitting that we should perhaps call it a say, I pull back. This happened over the last 12 hours. I know that is, while I truly value my new relationship with Sir and the things we do together. My relationship with hubby and our marriage also means a lot. 

Thinking about the previous question - the most memorable event - I think it is true to say that  this year over all will be pretty memorable, whatever happens in the end.

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Will today define the future?

Hubby has been away. He has been out of the country, away to a sunny place, with a male friend. He went, he said to think, to clear his head and to decide. He has been away now for 11 days and has been in contact through texts twice. In the most recent one on Friday, he still seemed as angry as when he left.

I have been busy, both in terms of spending time with Sir, but also in doing other things - catching up with friends, going out and about, taking my son back to college and doing some de-cluttering. I have tried not to spend time thinking deeply about him and about what will happen next. Indeed whole days have gone by when I haven't really considered him at all. Yesterday I went on my second meet up event, this time to the Victoria and Albert Museum in London for a cultural treasure hunt. I was in a team of 4 other women, all, I think in their 30's. We had a great time, got on well together and won! We celebrated with a lovely Lebanese meal, before some of the others went on to a night out and I came home. Through these groups I am learning to explore life outside of the relationship I have with hubby, outside of family and current friends and outside of the safety net of 30 years. I am finding it interesting and enjoyable.

There are times when I sit here and feel that I have been unfair on Hubby, after all for years he did nothing that was particularly wrong and I have repaid him by having an affair. Not only have I had sex with another man, the sex has been kinky and I have told him I will not give it up. But this marriage has been something of a sham for years. OK so we have looked happy and for a lot of the time we have been reasonably so. But scratch the surface of our relationship and you would have found uneasiness, often unhappiness and frustration (mainly on my part). I have discovered that a breach of trust committed 20 years ago and brushed under the carper cannot be forgiven as easily as I thought.

This 11 days has shown me that I can go it alone. I can manage by myself and not only survive but laugh and love, and I can be happy.

I know there is a lot of heartache to come, but even if he is no clearer about what he wants, I think I am.

Last night on the train coming home, I remembered something that I had said to a friend very soon after I was married. Something that should have warned me. I told her that I had been in love with getting married, in love with the day, but that now, here I was married, I didn't know if I was really in love with my husband. And, though I fought hard for him when I thought I might lose him to another woman 20 years about, I wonder if I ever truly was.

Thursday, 25 April 2013


My most favourite thing when i am spending time with Sir is to wake up beside him. As we both stir, he takes me into his arms and we rest there a while. Then we kiss a little and then i feel his fingers on one of my nipples, squeezing and gently twisting. Next he moves his hand down and i shift position so he can access my clit. He strokes me gently, then a little harder, and we kiss as he does. After a while, often after i have cum, he will break away and i know that is a signal that it is my turn. i move down the bed and take his now hard and large cock in my mouth. The first suck of the day, feeling Him inside me. I work him, sucking and licking. The way he pushes into me tells me how much he likes this too, He might sigh and say 'oh yes'. Then he pulls away and tells me to turn on my side, so that he can push into my pussy from behind. He holds my shoulders, then breasts as we move together.

Photo from fancymonocrome via Erotic photography

Then, if we are at His house, he will get up and make us coffee.

Mornings are a great time to be together, and tomorrow morning i will wake up with Sir. For the first time we are going to get together (though only for one night) twice in the same week. An opportunity has arisen for me to be in London, from where you can of course get a train to anywhere else, including to His town. i am going to take that opportunity, i am going to cook him dinner (as he will be working) and then we will see. i told him i am going to travel light, he said he thought a toothbrush and stockings are sufficient luggage. i guess some heels will also need to travel with me.

It should be a lovely evening and then there will be the morning before He goes to work and i leave to return home. Lovely thoughts.

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Weekend break - Part Two - The two of us

Our trip away involved us travelling to a medieval town north of where we both live (further north for Him). The town has a castle and nearby are lots of interesting cultural and historical places as well as some very nice countryside. We were blessed with the first reasonably warm weather of the year (spring has arrived very late here in the UK). Our small hotel / pub was 400 years old and was quite quaint and as Sir called it 'quirky'. We had a four poster bed, however after the events of Part One, we didn't actually use it for our intended purpose (which might have involved handcuffs of some kind of other thing you could be tied up with).  The room was spacious though and really very pleasant.

After our friends left, we changed and had dinner in the pub restaurant (it was 7.30 by then) and then went for a walk to get some fresh air and to have a look around the town. Later we cuddled up together in bed and slept. It would be true to say that the events of Friday wore us out, but after a good nights sleep and some lovely sex first thing in the morning we were ready for breakfast and the castle.

We are both interested in history and like to walk and explore places. Luckily we were staying within walking distance of the castle and arrived pretty much as the place opened. The castle staff were recruiting suitably strong and healthy people to be involved in firing the castle's trebuchet and being the keen and eager big kid person Sir is he of course volunteered. After he and the other keen men had received some training in how to run round like a hamster and some health and safety information about how in an extreme case death could result, they put on a very fetching red tabard kind of thing and a hat and were ready. The friends and family's of the volunteers left to watch at a safe distance and this is the kind of thing that happened.

The rest of the day we spent watching eagles and other birds of prey flying round, climbing up steps to battlements, looking around the castle, eating a picnic, going for a walk in the grounds and finding a quiet place where Sir could instruct me to suck his cock (well did you think we could be completely vanilla?). Back at the hotel, we retired to the four poster for some very satisfying sex and a short rest before we headed off to town for a lovely Thai meal. 

Sunday we went off to a nearby town where a famous playwright and poet lived many years ago, we spent the morning strolling around, drinking coffee and eating scones, cream and jam. Sir worked this off by rowing me up and then down the river, which was all very pleasant indeed. We finished off with a picnic in the park before beginning our journey home. 

So, it was a weekend of two halves; kinky and just plain wonderful. Sex and culture, history and kink, good food and very good and welcome turkish delight (produced at a very opportune moment during our kinky play). I could get a taste for all of this!

Monday, 22 April 2013

Weekend Break - Part one - The four of us!

At last i have something to write about;  something kinky, something fun and a lovely lovely time. Sir and i have been away for a weekend away. We had 2 whole nights and the best part of 3 days together,  a real treat.  After the trials and difficulties of the past few months being able to go to a place neither of us had been and to do things together that neither of us had done before was very special.

For the last couple of months we have been discussing the possibility of getting together with another couple for a kinky, D/s session. On Friday, the planning and the chats i in particular have had with the other sub lady came together. We met in a small hotel bar, and after a couple of drinks and a chat we headed up to a room and, well got it together.

Sir and i have discussed this kind of fantasy for a long time. But discussing and doing is a whole other thing. An exciting, but scary prospect. Finding the right couple seemed to happen by accident when Sir got chatting to the sub on a chatline. She and i spent lots of time getting to know each other online and by text, until we felt we were both ready. On the day, it was the women who were nervous, but trusting our men, we decided to give it a go and i am really glad we did.

It would be true to say that my fantasies have usually involved 2 men rather than another couple as such. i have never before experimented with girl on girl sex and am completely heterosexual. But BDSM for me has always been about pushing boundaries, about trusting my Dom to push my limits while protecting me. My boundaries are now pushed further than i would ever have imagined and do you know what? It was exciting, thrilling and massively arousing.

To be given oral by another woman, while sucking her partner and at the same time receiving anal sex from Sir was the most amazing thing that has happened to me. i struggle to find the words to express how it all felt. Then there was the experience of kissing another woman, touching her and giving her oral. Knowing that Sir found seeing me do these things amazingly erotic and a massive turn on was all i needed. It was the first time either of us had been in the same room as another couple having sex and the first time any of us had experienced anything quite like this. As one point the men discussed that this was the kind of thing that takes place in a video on the Internet. Until then we thought it was.

What a start to a weekend break!

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

My family

My family have always been important to me  and I have always lived close to them. My parents are still alive, though not in the best of health and I have 2 brothers, both now divorced. Our children are quite close in ages to each other (ranging from 15 to 22), and when they were young, my brothers still married, my parents well and younger and my grandmother alive we were all very close.

Many weekends and holiday times were spent at my parents house, with all of the generations present. My mum would cook a huge roast, or the men (or sometimes I) would be cooking a barbecue. There would be wine (lots of it), the children would play and we would discuss stuff, often putting the world to rights. They were happy times in lots of ways and certainly we have many photos which seem to reflect that.

I think things began to change in 1999 when my nan died after a very short illness. In many ways, she was a glue that held us, prevented bickering and arguments. Stopped people judging and prevented unpleasantness. She was a kind lady who would give her last £1 to you. She lived on a very small pension, but always managed to make Christmas and birthdays something special. She was always up for a challenge; getting into the children's tent, putting her feet into their bath at bath time with them, getting on roller skates and a skateboard to their delight. 

After her death, things did continue, but her absence affected us all. For some reason things were never quite the same. 

More recently there have been marriage splits, and the older children have of course gone off to University and my nephew is about to join the army. But there are sometimes glimpses of the old days, like at Christmas just gone. My son and two nephews, now old enough to drink, sitting around the table like older men, eating cheese and drinking wine. I was able to glimpse both the past and future. Hopefully family will remain as important to them as it always has been to me.

Monday, 15 April 2013

Anniversary week updates

This week is the first anniversary of when i first met Sir in person. So, i have updated my journey page and changed the about me bit of my blog.

Next time i write about my progress it will be on a new page - for a new year.

A few months in, we discussed where our relationship was going. Sir was worried that i wanted to move from an unhappy marriage to life with Him. He was worried that i viewed him as my destination in some way. Perhaps at the time i did hold one or two romantic thoughts, but He was right. That is not where we were or are heading. From then on our relationship has gone from strength to strength.

Neither of us expected to reach that first anniversary, but we are glad we have. In Him i have found someone special both in terms of being my Master, but also as a friend and lover.

(Sir - when you read this please don't get the idea i have gone mad or soft. i haven't. It is just my way of expressing where we are right now).

Am i pleased we met, explored a D/s relationship, had great sex and everything else? What do you think?

Someone who inspires me

I have thought about this for a few days, and have struggled to think of a specific person who I am currently inspired by in all things. In the past there have been people at work, colleagues or managers whom I have been inspired to emulate (and others of course I would rather not). Those who are good leaders, who support, encourage and yes inspire their colleagues to achieve and to perform well.

Right now though, I am inspired by some other women. Women who have taken the step to review and re-evaluate their life and who have been brave enough to do something differently. It seems to me now I have embarked on the path that I have, that there are quite a few such women around. On Saturday I went on a hike into the English countryside, with a group I have just joined. It was open to all, and there was a variety of age groups. Most of the group were women, out of 34 people there were only about 7 or 8 men. Most didn't know each other, but during the course of a long day people began to get to know each other, to talk about their work, their travels, their home lives. A large number of the women were single, and a number of those happily so. During the day, it was reaffirmed to me that it is possible to live your life differently to the way I have always assumed to be my destiny and what is more, that you can do so with contentment. What you do need though is friends, people who can offer each other support, who can share good times and bad, have fun and perhaps travel.

A photo taken on my walk

As I have said before, my circle of friends had become small and was getting smaller. My life was about myself, my husband and son and a few close family members. With the break up of my brothers' marriages and the ill health of parents, our social life became even less active and interesting than it was before. Hubby wasn't exactly bothered by this (or didn't appear to be). I didn't expect to need to strike out on my own, but that is what I have done. I am finding that perhaps it isn't quite as scary as I imagined to widen my circle and to meet new people. In fact it is enjoyable and I intend to do more of it.

Friday, 12 April 2013

Thoughts for the coming week

It has been a month since i laid in the arms of my Sir. Circumstances (finishing my job, Easter holidays, and His holiday) have conspired to keep us apart. In a way it has been difficult, after all no one likes to be apart from someone they care for, but in another way necessary and for that reason reasonably easy to manage. The last week or two at work, required me to actually be there. Also my son returned from university for the Easter break (and will be here for another week). It has been good to spend time with him, particularly as i have quite a bit more of it. Tonight Sir returns from holiday and i feel we can start to think about the week ahead.

This time next week we should be together as we head off for the weekend together. Some plans have been put in place which are not too dissimilar to those discussed by Jake in his blog post today . I won't go into details right now, but there are plans to do something new and different, something we have discussed a few times, something of a fantasy. Like in Joy's fantasy, this will be consensual, which is one reason there isn't much to say right now. We don't yet know if what we are thinking about will happen. Everything rests on the circumstances on the day and whether we decide to go through with things. But rest assured there will be something to say afterwards.

For me though, next week will be a little momentous. Hubby leaves for a trip to give himself a break, which i hope will help with sorting out his head and i have a whole week of freedom from the invisible bonds which seems to surround me most of the time. He is mainly absent, but in constant text contact, sometimes pleasant and ordinary and sometimes not. Sir has on more than one occasion commented about the way in which i submit to hubby, in a domestic, discipline kind of way Sir doesn't seek to have me submit to Him. i do it without thinking and then could kick myself, since it is not the way i wish to be. But i guess that years of conforming to a particular way of life will take a little longer to break free from. With Sir's help, though, i am sure that i will.

The great thing though, is that i am really looking forward to the next week, whatever happens and whatever we end up doing together. Plus is will be fun, and we both needs some of that!

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

The NHS and healthcare in the UK

So, completely off topic (if there is one on this blog) and in danger of infringing on the content more usual on my other blog (which no I am not linking to) I bring you my take on the NHS and healthcare generally in the UK. This post is brought at the request of Florida Dom.

The National Health Service (NHS) is an now an institution of its own. It was founded in 1948, shortly after WW2. It formed part of something now called the 'welfare state', at a time when the country was still recovering from war, when many people were living in poverty and post war rationing still existed. The philosophy of the NHS was (and still is) that healthcare should be provided free at the point of delivery. It meant that for the first time, everyone in the UK could see a GP (primary care practitioner) or attend hospital, have an operation etc without worrying about whether they could pay for it.

All those who provided care within this context became direct or indirect employees of the NHS.

To begin with dental care, prescriptions etc were also free, but within a few years charges were introduced. However, there are parts of the population (children, elderly, people with certain health conditions) who receive all healthcare free.

Over the years, people began to see the entitlement to free healthcare as a right rather than a privilege. Also over those years there have been massive advances in medical technology and in the medicines available. Costs have spiralled, and the demands of the population have grown with them. People seek more healthcare, and demand more from their practitioners. What is more, people often have no idea of the costs associated with providing good quality care and what's more most people appear not to care. In some cases they think healthcare is the responsibility of others rather than of themselves. They demand the best, to receive the newest treatment and perceive that they and their families should be saved at all cost. However they do not always see that they have a role in preventing ill health and in managing their own recovery. This has led to gatekeeping of healthcare and from there what is akin to rationing. It has also led to a challenge that those working in healthcare have lost compassion for those who they treat, and that what is delivered by the NHS is not as good as it can be.

One of the greatest myths is that the NHS is one organisation. While everyone who is employed is part of the NHS family, each hospital, primary care provider, community provider is a separate (or a group) of employers in their own right. True, there is still national pay and conditions for employees but each of those organisations is run as its own separate entity, with its own budget. The standards set and  expected by the department of health are unified, but the policies and procedures and management structures of each provider are different. This means that the delivery of care across the country is not the same. What exists is a complicated web of organisations that commission (or buy) services, those that provide them and then the different governments that govern them (Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland all have slightly different arrangements from England).

In practice though, for most people the NHS is about being able to see your GP if you are ill, being referred for investigations and having treatment without cost. Medicines are not free unless you belong to one of the groups above (though while you are admitted to hospital all medication is free). You can attend A&E (ER), be admitted, have your life saved etc. at no cost. You can have a baby, see a midwife / doctor regularly during pregnancy and that baby will receive immunisations and checks from relevant professionals at no cost. And so on...

It is what people know, what they expect and it is what people see as their right. The debate over what is free and what isn't and who can be treated and where is a hot political topic that will be debated for ever. Maybe that's another subject in itself.

Information can be found here

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Three Blogs I always read

It is coming up to a year since I started blogging here.

This is not my only blog, I have another which is mainly about work related stuff and where I have also discussed the state of nursing and of healthcare amongst other things. Through that other blog, I have found a few people with whom I have interacted online and who are currently facebook friends. I have blogged since 2006, not always regularly. Now I have more time, and now the fog of the last few months at work are beginning to lift, I have begun to post there again.

This blog though feels different. I have used it to feel my way through a whole new episode in my life. I have at times been overwhelmed by the wonderful support I have been given here. I have also found some wonderful blogs. Those blogs have made me smile (and even laugh), cry, wince (at the pain some people enjoy). I have found a group of people I can identify with, many of those people are women, but equally some are men. I have found I like to look at sexy and erotic photos, and have seen that these can be beautiful, funny, sad and a real turn on. I have enjoyed the stories of peoples lives and the wonderful fiction that flows from the key boards of others.

I have chosen the blogs on my blogroll because I can identify with the people who write them in some way. I always read all the updates when I have time to do so, and if I feel like commenting, then I do that too. I can't choose three blogs, because there are so many. The list increases as I discover new ones, and there remains plenty of room at the side of my blog to add them.

To all my fellow bloggers, thanks for being there and for writing such amazing stuff worthy of reading. I read you all.

Monday, 8 April 2013

A favourite piece of architecture

We are lucky here in the UK to have so many historical buildings, many of which are beautiful to look at. Of course we have our fair share of newer buildings, some like the building we call the Gherkin, are striking, and others are ugly. One of my favourite buildings and therefore architecture is this one.

I love that you can see it from a distance, even taking account of the other taller buildings around and you immediately know what it is. You can't mistake it for any other building. I have been inside and indeed to the top (though years ago now) and the views across London are wonderful. At that time, there were few opportunities to see the skyline of London in that way. Now you can go up in the London Eye for example. 

This has been something of a quiet weekend. Hubby was away for all of it, reappearing this morning to get changed for work and collect his lunch. Yesterday as I was ironing his clothes, it occured to me how far apart we have drifted and what I am to him. I know that I will have to change that, but just need that extra bit of energy to do so.

Sir is away on a much needed holiday with his children, so there is no contact between us, and I am missing our chats. We have a weekend together to look forward to soon and it is that which is keeping me going through all of this. I really am looking forward to getting centred again with him. 

Meanwhile, I have a number of lunch dates. One of which is in London and you know I might just get a glimpse of St Paul's in the process. 

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Three Word Meme

Quite a few people have answered this today; so my turn!

1. Where is your cell phone? In my bag
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend? it is complicated
3. Hair? Grey but dyed 
4. Your mother? Not the same
5. Your father? Living with Cancer
6. Your favorite item(s)? love my mac
7. Your dream last night? don't  remember one
8. Your favorite drink? Gin and tonic
9. Your dream guy/girl? Sir of course
10. The room you are in? The living room
11. Your fear? my parents deaths
12. What do you want to be in 10 years? Happy and fulfilled
13. Who did you hang out with last night? no one, alone
14. What are you not? quiet, introverted, slim
15. What's outside your window? My dark garden
16. One of your wish list items? A new kitchen
17. What time is it? Quarter past eight
18. The last thing you did? cooked my dinner
19. What are you wearing? jeans and shirt
20. Your favorite book? i love loads
21. The last thing you ate? pasta with bacon
22. Your life? Not as expected
23. Your mood? Gin helps chilling
24. Your car? Old Renault Clio
25. What are you doing at this moment? Watching the Voice
26. Your summer? Hoping for one
27. Travel plans? France in June
28. What is on your TV screen? Its the Voice
29. Last time you cried? About a week
30. School? I love learning

Something I am Proud of

Back to the 30 days. I have delayed continuing this series because I wasn't sure what to write. The person I have most pride in is my son. He has turned into a kind and thoughtful young man who has demonstrated that hard work in your studies really does pay off. It took him a long time to persuaded that he had the potential to achieve, but once that happened (when he was around 17), he never looked back. I will be the proudest mum ever when he graduates this summer.

I am also proud of the way he is handling things between his father and I. He has already told me that he loves us both and won't take sides. He has not pushed for details about the reasons for our difficulties and I have not burdened him with them. What he thinks deep down may be revealed in the fullness of time.

There are a number of changes taking place in my life as I approach the possibility of the end of my 28 year marriage. I have also recently lost my job, as I have already said. This offers me risks, but also opportunities. I have already identified that I don't have the friends around me that I would have wished for. So many have fallen by the wayside. But I am now trying to form new friendships and have already been reasonably successful. I have a couple of friends I have met through fetlife, with whom I meet regularly for lunch / coffee and a chat. I also exchange emails and chat, and I have started to form a friendship with a lady who is part of a couple Sir and I will soon play with. But my social world needs to extend further and I have joined an organisation through which I can meet people socially and have arranged to go on a walk next Saturday and a treasure hunt kind of thing at the end of the month.

This is near where I will be walking next weekend

My instinct during all of these troubles is to sit at home and complain that my husband has taken offence to the choices I started to make last year and is more often than not absent. But sitting at home and moaning will do nothing. That is what led me to the situation in which I find myself. So it is time to live my life, to do new things and that is something of which I hope to be proud.

Friday, 5 April 2013

What I wanted?

Since discovering my blog, hubby has undergone a further change in attitude towards me. i have to admit that in coming clean and telling him about Sir and i back in November, i gave little thought to anything other than letting go of the secrets i held. Since then, it seems to him that every month or so there has been a new revelation. First he discovered an affair, then a D/s relationship and now he has read a small element of that relationship displayed on a blog. As far as he is concerned, he remembers everything i have told him since November, everything i have done and he remembers everything he read on my blog last week. When i challenge any of this, he tells me that this is what i wanted, and therefore this is what i have got. 

The truth of the matter from my point of view is that i have hurt him so much more than i ever felt possible. He is now a very confused man who is in great pain for much of the time. He deals with this by physically avoiding me for most of the time, but keeps his element of control through regular texts. These give me instructions about the things he wants me to do (tasks about ordinary life and sexually explicit things he wants me to do to be ready for him). i find myself doing many of the vanilla things without question, but then challenging myself, since this attitude towards me is one of the reasons i find myself where i am now. As to the sexual requests, well on one hand i want to fulfill them. i want to have sex with him, but at the same time there tends to be a large amount of emotional blackmail attached. Also i wonder exactly what it is he wants from me and indeed what exactly i want from him.

He is now obsessed with my relationship with Sir. He is obsessed with the things we do together and deeply hurt that those things happen with Sir and not him. At the same time he feels he has nothing to offer me, he feels there is nothing he can give me that is as good as i get from Sir. for him this is about sex and nothing else.

The state of our relationship is now forgotten by him. He fails to see that the relationship as a whole needs to be in tact for a good lovelife to occur and that good sex contributes to a stable, loving relationship. He says he loves me and wants to fuck me. But when he sees me, he spends his time telling me that he is not good enough for me and then expects us to go to bed together. He thinks that us seeing each other just a couple of times a week is like a date. But then when we have spent that time together failing to agree on anything it feels like the date from hell for us both.

He is planning a trip away to a warm and sunny place for a week with friends. i know this will do him good, and hope he will come back rested. i just don't know if it will help in any way.

After 20 years i still remember the pain hubby caused me when he cheated on me. Yet i have done something very similar to him. Is this what i wanted?

Of course not. i just wanted to find happiness. On one hand i have found this, but on the other i have caused great pain and sadness and for that i am really sorry.

Trouble is, would i change what i have with Sir?

That really is the million dollar question!

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

3 Years ago today and The last item I purchased

I barely remember what I was doing last week, so asking me to think back 3 years is a massive challenge. In April 2010 I think I was getting on with life, I was busy doing a job that I didn't completely enjoy and living a life that was ok but nothing special. My son had gone off to University the previous autumn, so I was getting used to the empty nest. I was probably irritated with hubby since I know that I was constantly irritated by him. But as for remembering April 2nd 2010; no I can't do that.

Thursday was my last day at work. I was made redundant effective from 31st March (Sunday) and so today, as I write this I am unemployed. Well this is not technically true since I have chosen to take early retirement. Because I have worked for the National Health Service for over 30 years, and have paid my pension since age 18 and since I started off as a nurse, I am entitled to retire on a full pension. I know I am only 50 and doing such a thing seems strange, but actually it gives me lots of opportunities. I no longer need to work full time or indeed all of the time and for the first time in my life I have money to spend and money to invest.

On Friday I went to an electrical retailer near to my house and bought myself a MacBook Pro. I have always been a windows girl. We bought our first computer in the mid 1990s and that PC and subsequent purchases (various laptops) have often mirrored what I have used at work, even down to the office software. But since I have an iPhone, and since Christmas an iPad it feels like time to make the leap to Apple. I have spent the weekend playing with my new toy and while it is quite different from my previous laptop I am getting the hang of it thank you very much. I will go as far as to say, I think I am going to love it!

Monday, 1 April 2013

A favourite Recipe and other stuff

First of all, back to the 30 day thing. I envisaged I would rush through these, but since the 30 days of submission took me ages, I can't imagine why! Next on the list is a Favourite recipe. 

I love to cook, but prefer to cook for a person or people who appreciate the time and effort that goes in. Sometimes though you need to be able to prepare something tasty, and kind of special but you either have little time, or energy or maybe both. 

A couple of Christmas's ago I asked my son for the Jamie Oliver 30 minute recipe book and it has been a great addition to my library. I have to say that the recipes take longer than 30 minutes. Perhaps if you are Jamie and you have people to put all the ingredients into bowls etc you can do so. But as far as I am concerned a bit more time to cook a good meal is worth it. 

This recipe introduced my son to the joys of Thai food. Since then he has travelled and tried lots of cuisine. I have also cooked it for the wider family. It goes down well. 

The ingredients are:

  • 2 stalks of lemongrass
  • 1 fresh red chilli
  • 2 cloves of garlic
  • Optional: 4 kaffir lime leaves
  • A bunch of fresh coriander
  • 2 jarred red peppers in oil
  • 1 heaped tsp tomato puree
  • 1tbsp fish sauce
  • 2tbsp soy sauce
  • 1tsp sesame oil
  • 2cm (¾in) piece of fresh ginger
  • 8 large unpeeled raw tiger prawns
  • 200g (7oz) sugar snap peas
  • 220g (7½oz) small cooked prawns
  • 1 x 400g tin of coconut milk
  • 2 limes, to serve
  • 1 bag of prawn crackers, to serve

Put a frying pan on a medium heat. Trim the ends and tough outer leaves of the lemongrass stalks, bash up the stalks with the side of a knife, then put into a food processor with 1 fresh red chilli (stalk removed), 2 peeled cloves of garlic, 4 lime leaves, a bunch of coriander, 2 jarred red peppers, 1 heaped tsp tomato purée, 1tbsp fish sauce, 2tbsp soy sauce and 1tsp sesame oil. Peel and add 2cm (¾in) fresh ginger. 
Blitz to a paste - you might need to stop and use a spatula to scrape down the sides so it all gets whizzed up. Drizzle some olive oil into the hot frying pan and add the unpeeled raw tiger prawns. Fry for around 1 minute, then add 1tbsp of the curry paste and fry for 1 more minute.
Tip into an ovenproof dish and put into the oven on the top shelf for about 8 to 10 minutes. Put the pan you cooked the prawns in back over a medium heat.
Drizzle in a little olive oil, then add the sugar snap peas, then the small prawns. Spoon in the rest of the curry paste, and stir and fry for a minute or two before adding the coconut milk. Stir as it melts down, then leave to simmer on a medium to low heat.

The recipe also includes jasmine rice and a cucumber salad (which I have made) and a papayer platter (which I have).  

You can find the full recipe here 
Thanks everyone for the comments on my last couple of posts. I was really worried when on Thursday, I discovered hubby had read my blog. Thursday  was a difficult enough day, since it was my last day at work and discovering my carelessness was really all I needed. My hunch was right though. He read just the page that was showing to view and read no further. While he was upset at seeing the content in black and white in front of him, he said he had suspected the kinds of things I was doing with Sir. He was also jealous that I am not in that kind of relationship with him.

We have tried to talk things through, but he is struggling with everything he has now discovered and he doesn't know what he wants. On one hand he still loves and cares for me, on the other he finds my need to have my needs met elsewhere a struggle. I in turn am unable to fully articulate why that is.

He continues to spend most of his time away from home and, given that I have more time on my hands I am in the process of looking at new activities that I can fill my time with. I don't know what will happen in the future, but for now the blog stays and it stays open to all. 

I have nothing to hide from him any more.