Tuesday, 26 August 2014

A girl's ramblings

I don't have anything specific to blog about today, so this is just going to be a mixture of the things going through my mind right now. What you might describe as a girl's ramblings.

Last weekend Master and i travelled to the south of France. My friends, who spend most of the summer in France were in the UK for a family wedding and a work colleague of hubby and his family had booked my apartment. It seemed like a good excuse for a short break to the sun. Timely as it turned out as the summer here has come to an abrupt end. We had an amazing time visiting a host of new places - all new for me and a couple new for Him. The trouble is, that these trips just give more ideas for future travel (not sure if that is a bad thing as such). The trip itself cost me more than the rental on the apartment, but who cares if you are having a good time?

Actually I do care and I am now looking into having a company manage the change overs next week so I can actually rent the place out and try to cover costs better than I have this year. Hopefully by then I will be more sorted in my personal life, certainly my marriage, home etc.

Hubby is now in France with his 'platonic lady friend'. Since he has been gone, he has texted me incessantly with inane questions that I am sure I had given him the answer to already. Even if I hadn't there is information in the apartment. What then is he up to? There is a pattern. He tends to communicate with me mainly by text, but when I am away he usually steps that up and sends text after text about what I am doing, what the weather is like etc. When he is away, there is usually nothing. But this time, on this trip the level of texts are getting me down. My dad suggested that he is trying to control me, to prevent me moving on with my life. He said also that I need to stop mothering him. I am not sure if control is the right word for him. But I know I have to stop replying. Master says - delete, don't reply. It is going to be a challenge to follow His advice / suggestion / order (probably the former unless I don't comply).

This weekend Master and I had a more relaxing weekend (not withstanding hubby's interruptions). Sometimes just chilling out is the thing to do, along with some home cooking (by me and then Him) and a couple of meals out. We are getting increasingly irritated that it is more challenging to find good food at a reasonable price in our pubs than it is to find good food when travelling. For some reason, despite the fact that British pubs are something of a dying breed, most are now chains that provide substandard offerings. Adequate yes, but definitely not good.

I also visited my parents a couple of times. Essentially it was my turn - my brothers were both working. As dad becomes weaker and struggles to walk distances it is a sad reality that he can no longer safely drive (due to medication). He also struggles to find the strength to lift and carry things. My mum is struggling with anxiety, not feeling safe walking out of the house. Neither are particularly old at 75 but they are frail (dad with cancer and mum has had several strokes). But visits are proving fun. We are chatting and laughing, enjoying each others company in a way we haven't for a long time. Going shopping with them is like a Darby and Joan outing. They have both developed a dark humour (when not complaining about something) and I am definitely embracing these last few weeks of being a girl with two parents.

My son's relationship with his girlfriend is blossoming (not withstanding a couple of days last week when he seemed to be over worrying their relationship) and they also are due to go off to France for a week soon.

Living here, now, in the moment I have to say that this girl is feeling pretty happy with life. This status quo might not last but for now, I am savouring what I have. I am feeling truly blessed with what I have. I just need to dump one very big monkey from my back!!

Friday, 22 August 2014

This should be my approach

Far too much of the time I fail to focus on the here and now. Instead, I think about what has been and fear what is in store for me. Master is always telling me, that I need to live in the moment and to embrace the experiences that are happening now.  Of course that is easy to say. Easy too to do when the moment you are living in is a happy one, a fun one. But what about when you are dealing with the fears and anxieties of others. How then do you maintain the focus on yourself and on living in the here and now?

I have been looking at mindfulness as a way of managing my stresses at work, particularly given the other things that are going on in my life. This is about being conscious, about being aware in the present moment of your senses. About being able to feel your feet on the ground, your hands on the keyboard and not imagining yourself somewhere you are not. It is also about not dwelling on the past or being anxious about the future.
Mindfulness doesn't mean not planning or setting goals. We need to be able to do that - I certainly need to plan for when I move from my marital home, I also need to recognise the realities that will come with my father's death when it does come. But mindfulness tells us to enjoy the moments as they unfold, and if enjoy is not the right word then at least appreciate the good parts that go with the more challenging times.
I am going to try hard to focus on these messages. to let go of the baggage of my past and to trust the future, whatever it holds and however difficult that is to do.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

This is my thought for today

As I travel through this journey, it strikes me that it isn't just to Master that I show so much of myself, but to people who support me through this blog. Thank you for doing so.

I make no excuse for concentrating at the moment on the issues that I need to focus on, they are painful but with the help of Master and of those around me, in person and virtually I know I will succeed.

I am off to France for the weekend tomorrow, a chance to reflect on where I have got to and to recharge for the next push.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Am I the only one who didn't see?

Today I had lunch with my sister in law, Well the ex wife of one of my brothers. Our son's, cousins, are best friends and grew up together. We have more in common than we have differences in our lives these days, despite difficult times in the past. She told me that I look well, happy and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This is interesting, since this week has been a struggle. I am tired, have been very very down. Plagued with hot flushes, and mood swings, this has been a difficult week and it is only Wednesday.

She told me that she wondered how I have remained in this marriage for so long. She told me that I deserve to be happy.

Last week, on her birthday my mum asked me not to bring hubby to her small gathering. She told my brother that he has made her daughter unhappy for years and she didn't want him there for her birthday.

I have heard a number of stories now, that he hit on other people as well as the affair he had early on in our marriage. The relationship he has now, which he says is platonic, has gone on longer than he originally admitted. To think that I spent so long worrying about my infidelity currently seems crazy.

Time after time, I hear that people are pleased I have made this change. That they can see I am now happy, where as for years I was not.

For years, I was pretty miserable. I thought no one saw. I never reached out because I thought it was a burden I should carry alone. I thought no one would understand.

For all the sadness I have felt this week, I sense I am close to happiness. I see my freedom within a hare's breath.

I feel sad now that I waited so long. But then again, since I didn't actually know what I needed, I am not sure I should feel that way.

Still, why did no one say any of the things they say now?

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

No more

Yesterday I had a bad day and the origins of it can be found in the amount of sleep I had. Every weekend I am able to unwind, to relax and to sleep. When I am with Master, I am able to do those things to a greater extent. He is a man who likes His sleep, likes nothing more than to stay in bed late and I am coming to enjoy that too. But part of the reason for this (other than being close to Him), is that I am seriously sleep deprived all week. Master and many people who visit this place know that is the case, and the reasons for it. He and they have given me the benefit of their wisdom on this matter. But until now, I have been unable, unwilling even to face it. But this must stop.

Yesterday started badly and other things which happened through the day just made it worse. Things that I should have been able to manage, things I should have been able to just ignore. But the original cause was a restless night knowing hubby would turn up and then the usual 4.30am early call. A late night on Sunday meant I did manage to get back to sleep briefly, but to be frank, none of my sleep had been of a good quality.

Last night I went to bed early and slept well. Until 4.30am when hubby walked in. This morning though there has been no more sleep. He apologised for waking me and of course I said it was ok. BUT, it was NOT ok.

Another conversation is needed and a change is required. This behaviour cannot go on. I refuse to go through another week where I am woken like this. I refuse to have that man invading what is now my personal space, to do something which obviously makes him feel better. Time for yet more action.

Sunday, 10 August 2014

Difficult conversations

Right now, my life if full of them.

Last week I had to deal with hubby's inability to move forward with what needs to happen to end our relationship. As I feel stronger and more secure in myself (and right now, I do),  I see it is the perfect time to get certain things out in the open. Plus as summer draws on, there is a realisation, that if I don't deal with things now, we will be in a new year before something happens.

Today, I took my parents out for lunch. Dad told me that every few days he feels just a little weaker, a little less able to do things. Today I noticed his difficulty in getting out of a chair after sitting a little too long. He told me about throwing an apple down the garden to frighten a cat (I know this isn't kind, but it is dad) and watching the fruit plop down just a short distance away. This from a formerly strong man who bowled for a local cricket team. He told me he just stood and laughed, so amazed by his own lack of strength. Discussions also touched on what to do with his car after he dies (mum doesn't drive), his life insurance and probate for his will. These conversations are difficult for us all, but we recognise that they need to happen. Dad observed that not everyone in the family is as willing as me to discuss these matters and the fact that we are able to is helping them both.

I have been a nurse for over 30 years and during that time I was a district nurse who cared for many patients at the ends of their lives. It is easy, as a member of the medical or nursing profession to think you know all about the process and the feelings that go with it. I find however that that is not the case. On some days I can use my experiences to help advise and support (especially when it comes to dealing with medical matters), but on others and increasingly it is difficult.

Of course these conversations are not unique to our family or indeed to me. Right now, though I am grateful to be able to have them. Not everyone does.

Friday, 8 August 2014

Reflecting on last night

It is hard to express how difficult I found it to take charge of a situation such as was necessary yesterday. Every aspect of the time spent out with hubby screamed at me as something I didn't want to do. It isn't that I didn't want to face facts, to accept that I need to move things on. It was that I was made to act in a way that is increasingly becoming alien to me. Every day at work I handle situations that require me to take the lead, that is not an issue. Likewise there are family situations where I need to do the same. But when it comes to relationships, the acknowledgement that I am submissive makes it increasingly challenging to act as I did.

At the forefront of my mind now, it that I need, indeed am required to consider my Master and to think about whether he would approve of and be proud of my actions and behaviours. Last night was no exception.

Hubby continues to struggle with the whole idea that we cannot just live as we are - a kind of part time arrangement where 2 or 3 nights a week we spend time in the same house and even still the same bed. Meantime he lives elsewhere, with a woman he claims is just a friend. A friend who, it turns out he has been seeing for over 18 months and who he met through a trip organised by people I formerly worked with. Trips he took last year, claiming to be with male friends, were with her. But, they are just friends........

There were tears (not mine), there was anger (not mine), there was pleading (not by me). I was calm and controlled. I retained my composure throughout. However, I wanted to walk away from the situation, I wanted to be allowed to cry, to seek reassurance. I didn't because, at all times I was considering that I needed to do what I promised Master I would.

So we have agreement that we will work on the house and that work will be shared. Then we will put the house on the market and begin the process. Sadly I felt unable to say "by the way, can you move yourself and your belongings into the spare room and do it tonight". But I have a plan about that for the near future.

This morning, hubby has texted to apologise (yet again) for the way he behaved. I suggested we keep talking about what we need to do. 

Master is proud of how I am dealing with this situation and because I trust his judgement, I too am happy. I have some momentum now and I intend to keep it going. 

Thursday, 7 August 2014

On the cusp

Today feels really important.

Today is the day, I finally feel strong enough to do what needs to be done.

Today is the day I get together with hubby to sort out how we will end things - there are some practical things that need to be done in relation to the house, garden etc.)

This week members of my family have helped me see that it is time, and that has helped my resolve strengthen.

Plus I have the guidance and support of Master to spur me on. He wishes me to be composed in my actions.

I needed to record these things on this blog today, this is after all a journal of my journey.

A journey that started here 2 years and 4 months ago, but has it's roots in the history of our marriage.

I know who I am, who I wish to be. There is no going back, and I am happy to walk forward into a new part of my life, whatever that brings with it.

Sunday, 3 August 2014

6 Months

Friday was the 6 month anniversary of the day I met a man in a pub for a drink. That day was cool and damp. The UK had been 'enjoying' one of the wettest winters on record and the roads around that village were flooded. We took a little walk around the village to look at the sights - The main attraction, the house of a famous author and playwright was closed for the winter. The two local churches (one ruined), were open and we walked around. The man I met on that day, now my Master, says He felt my submission as we strolled, as He touched me and as we kissed. Certainly something happened.

A couple of weeks ago we returned. We had arranged to meet my friend Destiny and her Master for lunch. We got there early and went to the famous author and playwright's house. It was a beautiful summer's day. We wandered around and we sat in the beautiful gardens. As is His way, Master stroked his girl's leg as we stood or sat together. He likes to remind me of who I am and who owns me at times like that. Of course, I wore no underwear on that second time, and was accessible to Him at all times, that is a rule.

The lunch meeting was pleasant, this was the first time we had all met in real time. It was fun getting to know each other properly and to chat. 

Afterwards we all walked around the church yards and into the churches, Master and I spoke of that day, 6 months before. Master reminded me that He felt my submission on that day, a submission that has grown and that we both feel so intensely now. There were quite a few people around, including of course our friends, but there were times on that afternoon that I felt that we were truly the only people  in that beautiful place. 

On Thursday night, probably already after midnight, we spoke of the journey I have taken since that day, February 1st. We spoke of the ways in which I am different - calmer, more measured in my approach to things. We spoke of my submission which is deeper than it has ever been.

I can't say how glad I feel I met the man I now call Master and that we found something we both needed inside of us both.