The evening started well enough. The first time hubby and I had spent any time together for a week or so. Dinner was cooking, and we sat down to have a drink together. We talked about family issues, of which there are a number right now. We got onto the subject of his parents, and I commented (once again) that he needed to talk to them about our relationship, particularly given that our wedding anniversary approaches - one we won't be celebrating. It was then that hubby articulated that he thought we would at least spend the evening together on that day, have dinner, after all it will be 30 years. I told him I will be away, out of the country.
The next couple of hours are a stress filled blur. Voices (mine) were raised, unkind things were said by us both and we both lashed out at each other. His was more about throwing my laptop and standing over me, squaring up. Mine was about me actually physically lashing out as he appeared to try to grab me. Then there were tears, lots and lots of tears.
I have not cried about that relationship at all, and I sat on my own, upstairs wondering why now? I desperately wanted to speak to Sir, but he was preparing to leave today. We exchanged a few texts and I told him a little of things with hubby. I didn't tell him I was in full meltdown. Particularly when the realisation dawned that the whole hubby thing happened when it did for a reason. The tears were not for hubby and for our relationship as it dies. The tears were because suddenly I felt alone, with no one to turn to.
In fact a couple more texts from Sir cheered me up and I pulled myself together. The hubby thing is far from resolved, and Sir still leaves today. But I slept quite well and when I was in that half sleep half wakeful time I was able to regain that feeling of calmness I have had recently. Regain the feeling of submission, remember the piercings, remember that I am marked by Sir's pen.
Ok, so he hasn't actually left these shores yet, and he did help me out with the texts, but there was no conversation in person.
I think I can cope, I can remember even when the going gets tough. This time is going to be a test, I am going to think things I don't want to think, but I will get through it.
I am this girl. Sir's girl.