Year 3 - The journey continues

10th July 2014

This is where i am right now

26th May 2014

when I took this ok cupid test a year ago apparently this girl was servant, now this is what she is:


You scored 50% Humiliation, 54% Submissiveness, 85% Service, and 69% Pain!
You're the slave, you scored high in both submissiveness and service, you probably want to be owned by someone, you feel the need to relinquish your power over to someone else and to service him. You are the ideal partner for 24/7 Owner/slave relationships, whether you like or deslike pain is a matter of taste, hence with humiliation, but I would bet that the chances are you enjoy them sometimes but the most important thing is whether your Dom will enjoy doing those thigns to you.
Good luck in finding your best relationship :)

If you enjoyed my test and you are a bi female why not hop over and do my other test? The BDSM threesome Test

Your Analysis (Vertical line = Average)

  • Humiliation Distribution
    You scored 50% on Humiliation, higher than 69% of your peers.
  • Submissiveness Distribution
    You scored 54% onSubmissiveness, higher than 35% of your peers.
  • Service Distribution
    You scored 85% on Service, higher than 91% of your peers.
  • Pain Distribution
    You scored 69% on Pain, higher than 84% of your peers.
23rd May 2014

This week could end up defining my submissive life as this girl moves forward. This girl feels there has been an internal shift inside of her, something to do with the way in which she is as a person and how she views herself. Something that is making her aware of her submission pretty much 24 hours a day. The feeling this gives this girl makes her feel somehow closer to Him.

On Monday this girl explained to Sir that she was becoming ever more mindful of how He would view situations that she was involved in but which He couldn't see and wasn't physically part of. She also said that at those times, she felt her submission was all encompassing. She also articulated that this felt a little scary. That this release of control, while something she wanted, was against all of her previous life experiences. Sir reassured her and when they parted this girl went to give Him the orgasm he had permitted her. This has been detailed here.

The next morning this girl felt somehow calmer, less frightened of what she needed to do and how she needed to be. All day as she walked around and managed situations she was ever mindful of Sir and felt his presence. In the afternoon this girl sat in what could have been a difficult meeting. She considered some of what was going on a waste of time and struggled to engage. However, rather than taking over as she might previously have done she just sat back and listened. Slowly the engagement came back but in a different way. She found that actually the meeting wasn't a waste of time, but that she just needed to approach it differently. She smiled to herself as she realised she had used her submission to manage things. She knew that if she were to articulate events to Sir He would be pleased with her.

That evening this girl chatted online to Sir and during the course of the conversation, He articulated to her that He could feel the depth of her submission to Him. He read her blog, while they were chatting and remarked that a few weeks ago she had trouble calling Him Sir, and now was calling Him Master.

At that moment, Sir became Master. This girl became Master's girl, or as she is now marked, Master's slut. This girl moved closer to slave.

11th May 2014

Sir is away, giving me the time and space to reflect. What is more, it is making me reflect on the past 3 months, on his other relationship and on the future. It is making me question what I want and need in a different way than when I am with him. We have seen each other pretty much every weekend and often days in between, since that first one at the beginning of February and we have had almost daily contact. I have always known that if I needed to contact him he would respond. This has been a new thing. I have never felt as needy as I do now, and I wonder what is it about my relationship with Him that is so different? Is it that the attraction is greater than I have known in a long time? Or is it that as I discover so much more of my submissive side, that I become more dependent? I have always been fiercely independent. As a child I always wanted to do things for myself, and then for my siblings. I have always wanted and needed my own space and have often felt crowded if I can't get it. But over the past few months I have felt something shift in me. A new need to be in the company of someone else. At the same time I have developed a way of not having to be my old self with that person. It feels natural to just be with Him, to lie beside Him, to cuddle up to Him, to sit with Him.

I have wondered over the past few days if I feel as I do about his trip because he is with another woman. Would I still feel like someone has taken part of me away if he were just visiting friends, or away on business? I guess it is hard to know since he is with her and will be doing things with her that he does with me. That he will probably be saying the things to her that he says to me. This is something I have never had to think about before, and it brings strange and uncomfortable feelings to the fore. I admit I am jealous and I am fearful. I worry that my position with him is under threat. I worry that he will decide he no longer wants and needs me. I worry that I am stupid to have put myself in this position. It is hard to articulate these things, since I am the kind of person who always likes to give the impression that she is alright when she clearly is not. I am an independent person who knows my own  mind. But I am a submissive and I am dependent. I want and need to be grown up about all of this. I am experiencing exactly what his slave has experienced since Sir and I started to see each other. I am keen not to react in the way that she has at times. But that is difficult. If I see a comment written on Fetlife, as I did yesterday, I want to retaliate. I want to tell her that I don't want my face rubbed in her happiness. But of course, after months without him, she deserves her happiness. So it is wrong of me not to just let it go.

I know that this is just a few weeks. That once He is home, I will have Him in person again. But What happens if and when she comes to live with Him? Will I want to let Him go? Will He force me to let Him go? This break wonders if I would be better placed to end things now? Would I feel less hurt that way? Of course, I know that I won't do that, but I have been thinking that, wondering.

He tells me I shouldn't worry about the future. I know that He is right. But it is hard not to and hard not to fear what it might bring.

5th May 2014

Thoughts on this girl's submission 

Update for 23rd April

This post sums up some of the issues I continue to struggle with in my marriage and other relationships.

16th April 2014

This post can't be in the third person. It is about my marriage.

Today, I saw a solicitor about the practicalities of separation and divorce.

Essentially because of my redundancy last year I am in a pretty good financial state right now. Hubby and I have been married for a very long time and the gist is this:

  • All we own together belongs to us jointly
  • All that I received in severance for losing my job and hasn't been spent so far belongs to us jointly
  • All debt is equally shared
I have savings and no debt. He has debt and no savings.

If I didn't believe that my current journey to end this marriage was the right thing and if i was more materialistic then I would be seeking a reconciliation. I am not

I have barely seen him all week and won't see him now before Tuesday. While this is what I want, I also believe that if his words were the same as his rhetoric we might just be in a different place.

I would rather be poor and happy than comfortable and miserable. That is the bottom line!

4th April 2014

It is two years this week since i first chatted online with S and so, began my first D/s relationship, this journey and my blog. While i look back on that relationship with a mixture of pleasure and some pain (not all of it of the S/m kind), i will always be grateful to Him for awakening something buried deep within me.

Today i can without doubt say, i am a submissive and very proud to be so. It feels to me, that submission is at the core of who i am and when i am feeling the effect of that submission i feel complete. i believe this year, my third on this journey will be about finding the true nature of that submission and the extent to which i need it as part of my whole life.

The past two months with Graeme has helped me explore the new sensations - physical and emotional. Our first few play dates were about exploring my reactions to various physical stimuli and Him trying out His various toys on me. Then we moved onto a more sexual relationship and to the intimacy and sensations that went along with that. We have also spent time in each other's company, chatting, going for meals, the cinema, away for a few days holiday. We have also spent time just being in each others company. i have found that silence, stillness and just being is also part of being me. Part of my submission.

At the beginning of this journey, i named myself joolz for the purpose of this blog. It is a nickname some friends have for me. At the beginning Graeme remarked that joolz was the submissive alter ego of Julie. That seemed to be the case.

But who knew that joolz also had an alter ego and that perhaps she was a midway point on the way to someone else.

The next part of the journey is towards 'this girl'

this girl is more mindful of the needs of both herself and her Dominant. she is calmer, more measured. she looks to Him for the care and support she needs, she has given up control of many of the decisions of ordinary life and what is more she is happy to have done so.

The next part of the journey for this girl is to trust Sir Graeme to lead her to a new sense of being. To explore how far her submission needs to go.

This year i will be formally separating from hubby, this is going to be difficult, traumatic even. My father is very unwell and at some point in the coming months we will lose him. The realities of Graeme's other relationship will continue to cause stress.

But there are so many positives to look forward to. this girl, supported by her Sir will move together on this road, to where, who knows?

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