Letting go

The last couple of weeks have been both wonderful and a little odd for this girl. On the one hand, she has been lucky enough to see lots of Master, times in bed, a little play and out having a good time together. But on the other, Master and this girl had not discussed the whole Master / slave situation. He asked this girl to become His slave when He was thousands of miles away and straight away she knew it was what she wanted, needed even. A couple of new rituals were introduced, but other than that little changed.

Yesterday, despite having been with Master the previous evening and going to bed feeling really happy and relaxed, this girl got up with a real knot in her insides. The feelings of anxiety were, she knew, about some unsaid things between she and Master. It is not as if there won't be time to say those things in the next few days, especially given that this girl and Master are off away for a few days at the weekend. But for some reason the feelings of anxiety and even distress grew.

Last night, at last (not really many hours, but a long time when your insides are in knots), this girl and Master discussed her submission and some important things about their relationship with each other. This girl was able to describe what her submission means to her and what she needs from Him. She was also able to say how she feels both when they are together and when apart.

In Master's presence, this girl is able to trust implicitly in Him. She relaxes in His presence in a way she doesn't any where else right now. His very touch is enough to calm, His look enough to stop her words and even outside thoughts. His commands have an immediate effect. She feels that she is totally and completely owned by Him and happy with everything about that.

Most of the time when not together, this girl feels fine. She still knows who owns her and increasingly she goes about her life considering what He would think of what she was doing. Choices are increasingly made on that basis. This is particularly true in the way this girl acts and behaves with others. She is increasingly mindful of what He would say if He were present, would he tell her she was a good girl, or maybe being a little bratty?

From time to time though, and yesterday was like a bolt from the blue, this girl feels like a rug has been pulled from under her and that she needs Him to catch her from falling. Of course yesterday He wasn't there, it was some time before He knew there was anything wrong, and even if He had known He probably wouldn't have known He needed to do anything at all, if indeed He could.

Master and this girl discussed these feelings and possible causes. This girl is currently going through the menopause, and it seems likely that this is a major factor. But on top of this, it is clear that this girl was anxious about some things she would like to influence, perhaps even control, but actually doesn't need to. External factors to this girl's life. Things that will happen whether or not this girl intervenes. Things that actually this girl has no real right or need to intervene in. They discussed this girl's need to let go of those things and to let what happens, just, happen.

This girl has been someone who tried to control and influence, even when those things were neither asked for or desired. It is part of that need to help, to nurture, to make people happy.

In truth the only people this girl needs to make happy are herself, a very small circle of family and most importantly her Master. That is what this girl will focus on for now.

At the weekend Master and this girl will discuss some more contractual things about their relationship. But right now all this girl needs to know is how much this girl is cared for and what she needs to do to please Him.

Too Needy?

I seem to be in a chicken / egg situation. Right now, I feel as if I need help, support, attention even. What I can't work out is this:

Is the neediness because I have so much going on in my life? Is it because I have begun to share my problems with another and let go of so much of the power and control? Is it because my submissive side is emerging and so I need the Dominant person to support me or else I feel I can't cope?

Whatever the reason, this morning I woke feeling anxious and yes, needy.

For a reason, not yet clear, the time I thought I was going to spend with Him last night, didn't happen.

This morning, as well as the anxiety I feel when He goes 'off line' as it were, I also feel as if perhaps I am too needy. I start to believe I need to pull back the control of myself, since this feeling is far too scary to cope with.

What is happening to me?

Communication in relationships - is D/s different?

Yesterday, after visiting my parents - my dad is feeling a little stronger now, even though he will need some radiotherapy on his back after all - I spent time with my sister in law.

In truth she is an ex, since she and my brother are no longer married. She is in another relationship now, one where there has been a great deal of lying by omission. We spent 3 hours and I drank 3 cups of coffee (something I never usually do these days) discussing and analysing both our marriages and her current relationship. The common theme was a lack of communication, or an inability to find a common way to communicate with each other. The difficulties I have experienced in trying to communicate effectively with hubby are well documented here and so I won't repeat myself. But I have been wondering about the common threads for us both and how, if at all they are different in my current relationship with Sir.

My brother caused my sister in law great pain. He was unfaithful, he became addicted to cocaine and in order to support that habit he spent a great deal of money that they didn't have. He lied. In the end she called a halt to things and he left. Soon after she got together with someone she had known before her marriage. 5 years on, while he spends most nights with her, he also spends part of each day at a home that he shares with his sister. She apparently suffers from severe depression and he feels a great responsibility for her care. The problem is that my sister in law is desperate for him to prioritise her, and to commit to her. He has omitted to tell her the reasons he feels so responsible for his sister, whose call he always jumps to, often without telling his partner. The  means he may go out for half an hour, and not return for hours or longer. No matter how hard she tries she can't get to the root of the problem, and she can't get him to articulate his long term intentions. She fears that if she does nothing, in another 5 years she will be in the same position. We agreed that the thought processes and actions of the men in our lives often puzzle us and that somehow it left us feeling like failures.

Driving home though, I began to think about the past 3 months with Sir. About how open we have needed to be about ourselves and our needs. About how well we need to know and trust each other. In particular how much I need to be able to trust him in order to submit to him and to release myself into his care. Of course, this still feels a little one sided, since in order to be his submissive I have opened myself up much more than perhaps he has. To a certain extent he has tried to protect me from his other relationship, but bit by bit details do emerge. The ability to try not to judge what is revealed to you seems important, though very very hard at times. Especially when you know what it is you want, but also know that might not be what you have to accept in the end.

Sometimes it feels we have known each other for so much longer than 3 months and that is something both of us keep reminding the other of. But the depth of understanding and of trust in our relationship already feels greater than hers after 5 years. The other sad thing is, that while my brother is now clean and is in a new relationship too, that isn't very happy either. I can't help thinking that this couple could have remained together and in love if only there had been more honesty and understanding of each others needs. What I do know is that none of them have fulfilment in their lives and that is sad.

Despite my problems, and the uncertainty about my longer term relationship with Sir, I feel submission is bringing me a freedom to communicate in a way that can only be positive and help me be the person I want to be and in a relationship that is right. In the end I will have inner peace and happiness, but will they?

Who are you?

This girl lay stroking His Cock while he played with her nipples. she had already orgasmed a number of times, giving him all that she had. She felt the need to cum rise up in her again and pressed herself against his leg. He told her to hold it. He began to count, not from 5 or 10 this time, but 20. All the time he played with her nipples, those very very sensitive pierced nipples. She let herself sink into her own subconscious. She stopped thinking, instead she listened to his voice, the counting. She was aware of his cock growing in her hand. She looked into his eyes. Just as she began to allow the orgasm rise in her at the count of 2 he said "one and a half", but then 1 and CUM.

Who are you? He asked when she had given Him that huge orgasm and had on his instructions kept it coming.

Who was she?

This girl. she was this girl. she was also this slut, this bitch, this whore. She was His submissive. She is this girl.

He smiled. He loves the feeling of power this gives to Him. This girl likes to know that she had given herself, all of herself to Him. So much so, that at these moments she no longer has a name.

Sir doesn't really think this girl is joolz any more. Not the joolz you read about earlier in this blog. she is inclined to agree. The changes have been subtle but they are visible all the same. Visible to this girl in her daily life. Visible to Sir when he talks to her, when they are out and about together. Perhaps they are less visible to the outsider but increasingly this girl feels her submission during her every waking hour. She seeks and finds a calmness that wasn't there before. He says she is still a very different person when dealing with family matters, perhaps that is true, but this girl can feel a shift in the way she wants to handle that part of her life. She needs to feel this calmness much more. And she knows she will.

This blog is still called "The world of Joolz". Yesterday,  I was doing a little bit of tidying up on the front page, rewriting some of the text in the side bar. I was tempted to change the name of the blog. I don't feel like Joolz any more. However, its what others know me as, though some of you also know me as Julie. Plus, what does the name of the blog actually matter? Plus, if at times I have no name then it matters even less. What matters is who I belong to, and that part is pretty clear.

This girl's submission

This has been a holiday weekend, plus, this girl has tagged a couple of extra days on so that she has a good break from work. That means that Sir and this girl have been able to spend 3 nights together.

This morning we lay in bed until very late. This girl commented on how calm she felt; how she is able to lie next to Sir and just be. Of course that being, involves Sir playing with His girl as He wants.  

This girl and Sir discussed recent blog posts, the effect of the piercings on her submission; they have made her feel her submission so much more. Sir likes this effect on this girl. This weekend has marked 3 months since Sir and this girl first met. It is also the last weekend that they can spend together for a while. This morning was important to us both, hence the reluctance to get out of bed. 

We discussed those first few dates and the way that Sir knew that this girl wanted to submit. The look He saw in her eyes and the feelings that this girl had during that time. We also discussed the fact that this girl thought she knew all about submission at that time but since then she has leant so very much.

What this girl knew about was sexual submission. Something important to both of us.  She knew about giving herself to a Dominant, however right then she didn't know just how deep that submission could reach, how important it could be to her. She didn't understand how important ownership of a girl's orgasms were. How by giving up control could liberate her. She had no idea that it was possible to orgasm with little or no physical contact. She certainly does now.

In the past this girl has thought about piercings, however she had no idea that those piercings could take her deeper than she could imagine. That by admitting that they belonged to another they would give her a sense of fulfilment that she could only dream of. Being owned by another is so much more important to this girl than she knew. It is only a week since they were done, but already that much is clear.

But submission is not just about sex. It is about how an individual lives their life. Sir and this girl talked about the post regarding rules. Sir asked if this girl thought she needed more rules, perhaps tasks. But they agreed she does not. what she needs is to be able to live her life in the way that she knows Sir would be pleased with.  The rules don't need to be created, they exist in this girl's normal life. She knows how she should deal with situations at work and home, she knows the things she needs to do. Sir knows that too and by actually living in that way she knows that Sir will be pleased with her.

This girl faces a difficult few weeks. Sir will be away, He will be concentrating on the other important person in His life. This girl has had most of His attention for the past few months and now His attention must shift. This girl must be mindful of this and concentrate on being the submissive he wants and needs.  She needs to abide by the rules that are not actually articulated but exist. She must be His good girl. Only by doing these things will this girl be the submissive she desires and needs to be.

On being the 'other' woman

This relationship is complicated by another person. He has another relationship, one of Master / slave. She in turn is in another relationship, D/s or M/s, it is quite hard to fathom out which since what is said and written are at odds.

There are plans for He and she to be together, for her to move here to the UK later this year, maybe next.

This was all known when Sir and i embarked on this thing. Everyone knew of everyone else. i chatted to her and all seemed well.

But all is not well.

She feels under threat, she feels my relationship with Him is affecting hers with Him. She likes the idea of a poly relationship, but only on her terms. I am not sure I am the person she wants as part of that.

I am a person who wears her heart on her sleeve. When I am happy, the world hears about it. My tongue becomes a little on the loose side as my chatty nature runs away with me. Nothing I have said to her has been said with any malice. Everything I have said is true to the best of my belief.

Now though I can see my words will be twisted and already to her they form a threat.

But actually her fears have nothing to do with me. They are to do with her own insecurities and her own uncertainty about their relationship. I don't know if she has any reason to be uncertain, since He and i don't discuss such things (it is none of my business anyway).

But her anxieties and fears spread to me. They fill me with doubt just when I am truly happy for the first time in a very very long time.

That makes me very sad.

I have told Graeme that I will write things on here that are important. I know He will read it. These are the reasons I have written this.

This girl's submission

It would be true to say that until the past week this girl's experience of submission and how it can affect a person has been limited.

This statement is made with a little more knowledge than this girl previously had. It is made with the experience of spending six nights and at least part of seven days with Graeme, who will hence forth be known as Sir (or Sir G, or even Sir Graeme if this girl is feeling it more appropriate on a given day).

The learning curve of the past two months has been pretty steep, but it is safe to say that this girl has learnt a hell of a lot about her submission and how it makes her feel over the past week. This girl thinks that Sir had intended to mix up the submission with some bondage, masochism and whatever else He felt like.  But cool weather along with discovering that this girl could be enabled to explore her submission without the aid of toys meant that they didn't come out of the suitcase (no matter how much this girl tried to persuade Him!)

Of course He was right. One thing at a time here.

The key thing this week was this girls journey into subspace and the opportunity to safely stay in a floaty place for hours and perhaps even days (when she looks back).

The difference between Julie, the career woman, mother, daughter and estranged wife and joolz the submissive was greater than it has ever been. Ever!

joolz, who needs to refer to herself as not just 'girl',  but 'this girl' or 'this one' (she prefers this girl) discovered that she really likes the place that Sir helped her reach. she found that He will look after her while she is there, ensure she is safe and he will take her to the places they want or need to visit. He will make sure they are appropriately fed and that since they were in France that they have beer, wine (and water or coffee and appropriate).  this girl discovered that she can do the same things she ever did on holiday but without the need to take control at all. Save the fact that this girl in a submissive place speaks somewhat less and is more relaxed, no one who knew her would even know. But and this is a big but, this girl knows and Sir definitely knows. What is more, this girl likes to be in that place and Sir enjoys her being there.

The more this girl finds her submission, the more Sir finds his dominance and in turn this girl relaxes more into her submission. And so it goes on.

Along with the submission is sexual desire, of a kind that this girl has not really known before. Suffice to say This Man turns her on very very much.  this girl finds the submission erotic and so does He.

This girl will need to discuss the orgasm situation next...........

Sir and girl

It is interesting how over time you can get used to new ideas so that they start to become second nature. How you can start to view yourself and others in a slightly different way, especially as a relationship develops and you get to know more of each other.

So it is that when she is in the right place, when she is joolz, it has become second nature to not only refer to herself as girl but to think it too. This is what He calls her and, even though she is far from being a girl, if he views her in that way, that is what she is. Increasingly she can move herself from being Julie and slip into girl mode. Indeed increasingly she doesn't want to be the person she was at all (with the exception of being at work and being mother or daughter). This feels like a big change over the past 7 weeks or so. 

Finding your place in the world of submission is pretty easy when you are involved in a scene, when you are in bed together, or even just face to face. Finding that place when you are faced with a range of problems that life is trying to throw at you is something else. What girl is trying to do though is to take a more measured approach, to be mindful of what who she is and where she wants to be on this journey (ok so she failed the other day when faced with a stressor which sent her into a weird place).

The next thing is about what to call the Man she is submitting to. The Man who she has given great parts of herself to. The Man who on here she is calling Graeme (since that is His name). Again, in the midst of whatever you are doing together it is simple to refer to Him in the way He would like, as Sir. It comes naturally to her. Getting to the point where she feels ready to call Him Sir all of the time is something else.

However, girl is feeling more and more that she is ready and that it is just a matter of time before she things about him and refers to Him at all times as Sir.

This to girl is about trust and about acceptance. Giving up her body to Him seemed somehow easier than essentially giving up something deeper. Thinking about Him as her Dominant, her Sir outside of the bedroom (as it were) is a big thing. Something quite new for this particular girl. It is about the whole of her submission, it is about giving it all to Him for His safekeeping.

That trust is there though and so is the emotional attachment that seems to be necessary. 

Sir and girl are off on a short trip together over the next few days and girl is pretty sure that by the time they return there will be no doubt in her mind about her place and her ability to recognise His.

joolz will return to this place next weekend.

Photo from submissive to Sir

Then and now

It has only been 6 weeks since Graeme and i got together, but already i know that the submissive i was with S is a pole apart from the one i am right now. Even taking account of the last few months when submission wasn't much more than a bedroom game, this feels much more serious.

During that first year, everyone in blogland was writing their 30 days of submission. i did too, it gave me a way of posting regularly, even when there wasn't so much to say, but it also helped me think about the kind of submissive i was and what it meant to me. Reading back i can see that i had so much to learn, but also that i was just brushing the surface of me and my submissive self.

At that time submission was symbolic. It was about me kneeling when i arrived at his house, about the collar he put on me and it was about the way in which he took my body. It was less about the deep  desire within me to be owned and possessed by another. It was definitely not about feeling that deep connection. That doesn't make what i wrote wrong, it wasn't that i didn't know what i felt, or that i didn't feel i was submitting to S but it is useful for me to recognise how differently i feel today.

A few weeks ago, i talked about Graeme's request that i speak in the second person when submitting. At the time it seemed quite a task, indeed almost impossible. It turns out that not only is it pretty easy once you get your head around it, but that actually doing so helps me get my head into the right place. Even during times of stress, even when i am at work. Dare i say i have even begun to think about myself as she, or girl or even slut in my own thoughts and i am also thinking of Him as Sir and even saying it.

This time calling someone Sir has a different meaning. To do so means i acknowledge His Dominance and my submission. Not just in a symbolic way.

To give yourself totally to another, involves an immense amount of trust. The act of submission during sex is less difficult for me than at other times. During sex, i can just let my self go and let the slut inside me symbolic way.

To begin with it was when we were doing ordinary things together that i found it hard to continue to be submissive. Seeking to take control of situations when there was no need. Increasingly not only don't i need to do this but actually i don't want to. So much so that sometimes choosing things off a menu for myself seems too much bother. Last weekend we went off to a museum in London, he said it was a surprise so he wouldn't tell me where we were going. This involved both train and bus journeys and then a short walk. In the past i would have been beside myself at the prospect of firstly not having a say in what we were doing, but also in not really knowing where we were off to or how we would arrive. Trusting another person to take you on an outing seems pretty straight forward, but what if you have always been the one who organised everything? Of course S took me places and i wasn't always so sure of how i would arrive since he knew the area and i didn't, but i always had some sense of control, which i tended to retain. Now, i feel ready to give that kind of thing up.

Making decisions about my life and how i live it has always been a major thing for me. Pretty much without exception that is what i do. But what if i didn't always do that? What if i didn't always know best what was good for me and gave some of that over to another, how would that feel? Would i be worried or frightened, or actually would i feel liberated. Since i have often worried before making decisions and then agonised over whether they were right for me, maybe it wouldn't be quite so difficult.

Only time will tell. All i do know is that then was then and now is now, and something in me has changed. And for the better.

orgasm control

i have willingly given up control of my orgasms.

Able to choose for myself, given free rein and feeling a little horny. If i was in the right place at the right time, i would usually go for it. Hell it is an extremely pleasant experience and what girl would turn it down? Especially if there were someone there to both offer and give.

Over the past weeks, since i gave up that control I have been offered orgasms which i have not taken up.

i am quite able to say no because under a more controlled existence orgasm is actually more pleasant. In the past, with no one to know or care i have used a vibe to give myself orgasm after orgasm without truly being fulfilled. Indeed self control is better - when seeing S, i often went a week or 2 after we had been together. The end result being far preferable and that without much if anything of control from him.

Today my orgasms are not only controlled but belong to another. Indeed, i am happy to rephrase and say: girls orgasms are controlled and owned by Graeme.

But mostly i don't want or need them when he is not there.

The orgasm control we have been exploring when we are together is more that since he owns them he can dictate when i have them. I have to say that is beyond weird.  Though wonderful.

To begin with every time i felt in needed to cum he asked if that was what i needed and generally he would tell me to cum. Even if sometimes it meant holding back a little. This weekend as soon as i have either asked or he has sensed the need in me he has told me to come. Providing me with some assistance with his hands, on the clit, nipples and by stroking me more generally. Suddenly though, i found myself cumming, after he told me to cum, but with no additional stimulation. He was very satisfied with his work and i was both fulfilled and a little spooked. There is no doubt my orgasms with Graeme are heavily psychologically overlaid, indeed his ability to turn me on is. The way in which he can say certain things to me - call me girl or say something suggestive - releases the feeling in me that i am not far off. Then i am just a short journey to giving him what he wants.

He bought me a lovely present, which he gave me at the weekend and i have worn for the past two nights. He said (i think and hope) that i can give him an orgasm if i need to when wearing it. This morning i did. It is a while since i wore a but plug for any length of time and then it was more a training tool. Plus a stainless steel plug is a special thing, a thing of beauty. Wearing it makes me horny, as we both knew it would. Last night particularly i spent in a state of semi arousal all night. This morning as i lay thinking of him telling me to cum i almost, had the feeling i could have. Indeed it took just a short burst with the rabbit inside me to have the desired effect.

i am left thinking about self masturbation in a different way. Giving an orgasm to another, even when they are not there is really special and something i am starting to love.

So, a month on

I have so much to write about, the posts and the experiences that have gone with it are mixed up in my head.  Over the coming days I will separate them out and have a steady stream of things to write about. Today though I am going to reflect a little on the past month.

4 weeks ago yesterday I met Graeme in a local pub and while there was a spark between us, I could never have quite imagined that the connection between up would be quite as it so obviously is. The relationship we have begun to form seems to be pushing me towards making some significant changes to my life. He isn't making me do anything, but somehow his influence, his support is helping me do what I need to.

Throughout my relationship with S, I knew I wanted to submit. It was a journey I embarked on with relish as I took on board the new experiences. Ok, so things changed midway but still I submitted to him in the bedroom in the way he wanted and in the way I learnt to do. BUT each relationship is different and this one, while there are elements that are similar, in many many ways is very very different. I feel like a different submissive with Graeme.

The biggest thing for me right now is exploring the two parts of myself.  That is Julie - she is a professional woman, holding down a demanding job, a job which involves negotiating with and influencing others, giving advice and making decisions without reference to others. She is also someone with a husband who is having difficulty in recognising when a relationship is over, she has a propensity to slip between being over powering in the way she deals with their still joined up life to down right submissive when it comes to dealing with him as a person. She has a son who needs advice and guidance and she has parents who are not in the best of health and who need a growing level of support. She has siblings who don't always pull their weight. She has some great friends but sometimes takes the weight of their lives on her shoulders for no good reason. Julie likes to solve problems, she has a tendency to get stressed and overwhelmed by life.

Then there is joolz - she has been created by Julie to help her explore submission. Or has she? That was my feeling at the beginning of this, when I created my blog, my fetlife and other names.  joolz is a sexual submissive that is definitely clear. joolz likes to please but not in the way she pleases as Julie. She wants to give up power and control to another, she longs for a master to submit to and knows that as part of that she will discover the sexual fulfilment that she has been denied for so much of her adult life.

what I have learnt over the past month is that what I knew of joolz is only the tip of the iceberg.  The voyage  of discovery is so far from complete and that at times I feel I know nothing about who I (in whatever guise) am.

joolz is finding that when she is being herself she has no trouble thinking and speaking in the third person. She has no trouble giving herself completely and in being controlled, indeed she has no desire to control anyone or anything else. She knows what her role is and she gets more pleasure than she could have imagined from giving pleasure to the man who is becoming her Master.

The big question for joolz / Julie is just how much does she want / need to be which person, and indeed, could she be joolz full time, but let Julie sweep in and out when the situation arose without anyone on the outside actually noticing.

Deep down Julie would like this to be the case, since then she will be completely fulfilled.

The main thing is that I am so so much happier than I was a month ago and that Graeme has had a large part to play in this. I can't say more thank that!

Apparently March is a month for asking questions here in blog land. I know that sometimes I don't give my readers the level of detail they may seek so why not let me know what is on your mind and ask that question. Since Graeme has pretty much read every post on this blog now, I am sure he will be happy to help me answer!

Pain and submission

So yesterday i talked about the request from New Dom that i refer to myself in the third person while submitting. For various reasons i struggled with this yesterday. My feeling is that i find it quite difficult is because as an extrovert, i tend not to think all that much about what i say before i say it.  This is useful when i am at work, thinking on my feet. But when you are asked to change the way in which you articulate your thoughts it is quite hard. What should be easier is writing events down in the third person, indeed i have done this before. The rest of this post details my latest 'date' with New Dom.

......................................

Instructions for dress this time, were something short, high heels and no underwear. This girl for once was ahead of the game. She had already chosen a new short dress to wear that morning, though with jeans. There was little effort involved in removing the underwear, exchanging boots for shoes and taking off her jeans.In fact the jeans were removed at the very last minute and slipped into girl's bag. She slipped on her shoes and then her coat which barely covered the dress or indeed her bare arse and walked to her car, parked on the driveway. She was relieved that no neighbours appeared to be loitering outside!

The journey took around 35 minutes, but this girl had to concentrate a little more as firstly it was very windy and secondly she wasn't used to driving in her heels.

Before any play was to take place, this girl was going to get a chance to chat to New Dom's slave. As mentioned previously, this conversation was necessary for both subs so that they could be clear about slave's willingness for this arrangement to go ahead. First He spoke and then this girl was in the hot seat. This girl can't pretend she wasn't nervous about what might be said, but in the event she need not have worried. It seems pretty clear that both subs are going to get on well and that this girl has permission to give New Dom the service he needs right now. How this pans out into the future can't be known at the moment but lets just say there are no restrictions on how this girl and He should proceed. 

Relieved at the outcome this girl was only too pleased to go with Sir to the playroom. What happened over the next couple of hours is a bit of a blur. Not just because girl was blindfolded and gagged but because of the sensations that passed through her body at an alarming rate. Nipple play was pretty much first, clamped and then with pegs attached to her breasts. Apparently this girl has very firm breasts (well she knows she does of course, but He told her they were firm), probably making it quite difficult to get purchase on the pegs. Already she had a bug plug in place, but then there was a vibe in her cunt and He busied himself with the electric wand thing. before she knew where she was, this girl was had the hitachi on her clit and very soon she had the most amazing orgasm.  This orgasm was demanded and was forced on her. The sensation of this was beyond description.At some point, before or after this the pegs were pulled off using some kind of system He had set up. Nipple pain and pleasure is something that this girl can't get enough of.  Sir is already spending time torturing this girls nipples and using this to demand orgasm. Nipple pleasure for this girl causes submission. That is pretty much beyond debate.

Event are sounding so vague now, that this girl thinks she might even ask Sir to list the order of play so she can get it down here in the right order! Given that he has taken to reading this blog, i am sure He and girl will discuss this and probably have something of a laugh about it!

What this girl does know is that next, she was then on her tummy, legs spread using the spreader bar and she was subjected to more pain than she had experienced before. Firstly S wasn't massively into pain and secondly this Sir has far more in the way of objects with which to inflict pain. The implements used are kind of irrelevant, what is important is that this girl discovered what she probably knew all along - she is one hell of a pain slut.

During pretty much all of this, girl was either gagged or too deeply in her place to speak and so had no trouble with speaking in the third person. Hell she was happy to just groan and cry out as appropriate. 

Later though Sir and his slut lay together kissing and stroking each other. This girl then proceeded to drift in and out of submission. She had much more difficulty speaking in the required way when she drifted out than when He touched or inflicted pain on her in some way that brought her back to a place where he wanted her. When He pointed this out to her, she came up with her thoughts about being extrovert. 

This girl has reflected on this since and thinks that she will just need to get her head around it or else just shut up and allow herself to remain in submission for longer rather than fighting it all of the time. Of course, this girl has lots to say, most of the time, so this is going to be a hard enough task of its own, let alone actually trying not to use words such as 'I' or 'me'.

The act of submission for joolz is something that she is thinking about a lot these days. This task is difficult for her, but there is no doubt that success will lead her towards her goal of being much more the submissive that she would like and that Her Dom demands.

................................

There is much more to this 'date', but that will come tomorrow.

Connection

I am feeling a greater sense of connecting right now. For a start there is being in touch with Him and that process of getting to know each other. There is the feeling that He is enjoying finding out about me, my life and submission as much as i am about him. Of course, me being me - a person not averse to talking about herself - He is finding out way more about me than i am about him. But more information from his side will come.

I am also feeling a greater sense of connecting to my submission and in getting feedback on how that looks and feels to another. He keeps talking about my willingness to worship him and his cock. First of all, i thought he had been here reading my blog, but He tells me that He is avoiding coming to read it on purpose as He knows this will be where I explore my feelings. For now I can't pretend that I am glad about that. I definitely need that space.

I have had a couple of fetlife emails recently from people who have read my blog. Who knew that people would find what i say interesting and in even a small way useful. I am particularly interested in their responses as in the main they come from Doms. My online sub friends generally post here rather than mailing so this is different. It is so important though to connect to others - one of the greatest joys of this world is that connection with others. The level of understanding and of non judgemental thoughts (even when others don't necessarily agree with what you do or say).

I went out with a real life friend last evening (an ex work mate) who has been an amazing support with the whole hubby / S thing. She has no idea of the D/s side of things but is in no doubt of the importance of connection and of sex within a relationship.

After months of mainly writing in a negative way i feel very positive. That i am moving in the right direction in so many ways and that reconnecting as i am with my thoughts and feelings around submission is the right way to go.

Just hoping that for at least a while, nothing bursts my bubble.......

Permission

It is a long time since i have needed to seek permission to orgasm outside of the bed room. Indeed for long periods of part 2 of the time with S i didn't always ask when we were in the throws of passion - it depended on the context of the scene at the time.

While new D doesn't own me in the full sense of the word, Saturday afternoon was clearly important in terms of the balance of power. i have gladly handed over ownership of my body and definitely my orgasms. 

We were able to chat online last evening. We had something of a short scene in chat and also chatted on yahoo. All the time, hubby was in the room, dozing on the sofa. I haven't been this bad in a long long time and have to admit a little bit of guilt. However that is by the by since this is not about my relationship (or lack of it with hubby) but about my emerging relationship with new D.

When i am getting regular sex, i don't need to orgasm much on my own. But it has been a few days now and anyway chatting about sex and what you might like to do to each other is quite a turn on. So i sought permission and was granted it.

i have a new little vibrator, recently purchased at a high street lingerie and toy shop. This morning after hubby left for work i gave it a road test. This is how it looks, boy is it a powerful little thing! The best thing tough was being able to imagine being with new D and having him give me pleasure as well as knowing that even though he wasn't there this was his gift to me. Of course once the waves of pleasure had subsided and was lying still i thanked him for that gift. That also felt good, as i know i will also feel pleasure when i hope he tells me i am a good girl. 

........................................

There are complications to all of this. He does as i think i mentioned at the beginning have a long term and long distance Master / slave relationship. There has been agreement that while they apart they can both have another relationship. He has already handed day to day care to another Dom, though remains her owner. He seeks something closer to home for the time being. 

There are several things for me to get my head around here. First is my understanding of their relationship which is very real and also M/s. Since my experience is around scenes and playing with your partner, this is something very different. Next there is the way in which the two of them are dealing with Him having me on the scene. Then there is my relationship with Him.

In a way, knowing that this is probably two people seeking something from each other in a time limited way is a good thing for me. I am in danger of falling for someone before i am really ready emotionally. But as we all know it isn't quite so easy to control emotions, especially during the deeper more intense moments of D/s, such as we experienced on Saturday.

But for now, i retain my level head and am happy to proceed with just a little caution. Plus i am willing to hand over an important part of myself - access to my body and control of my orgasms.

Worship and possession

One of the big things i have learnt over the past couple of years is that submission is about undertaking some level of worship of my Dom, physically and on another level emotionally. If someone has a body (particularly the manhood attached to that body) that is pleasing to the eye and to the touch then physical worship is quite easy. Who doesn't want to kneel while she has her mouth around a large cock? Who doesn't want to feel Him inside her. It is the emotional worship that is more important though. The submission for me is about that latter state and it is that which i think i have needed to learn and to understand.

At the same time, the Dom wants to claim the sub for his own. He wants her to worship Him physically, openly invite being used by Him. What better way than with his manhood. For Him also though it is about being worshipped and possessing her emotionally. 

Last week, by concentrating on my needs my new Dom began that process. There wasn't all that much in the way of cock worship, but by starting to own my body and my mind i began to see that i most definitely wanted to worship. Orgasm after orgasm washed over me and through the pleasure and pain i began to submit to him. We both knew that yesterday, date two, would be different. When i arrived i was already his possession, i was already in full submission mode. But he set about getting me to show how i would worship him. 

His cock is large enough that it fills each of my holes. He made full use of me and it was good to be filled by him. It was the anal sex though that made me want to worship Him more, and made us both realise complete possession had taken place. He entered me from behind, with me lying on my side. He moved gently, then more quickly and roughly inside me. As is often the case these days my orgasm which was already close began to build; a fully penetrated arse does something serious to my senses and i can pretty much cum without much other stimulation. For a long time after this we lay together. Him very hard and long inside me, and me completely fulfilled by the possession that was taking place. We talked, he tweaked and squeezed my nipples and from time to time stroked my clit. But the over riding thing was the presence of his cock inside my most private place. We both know he wanted to stay there as long as possible so that i knew that i was His, that i was owned by Him.

When it came to taking Him in my mouth later, the feelings of worshipping Him and that wonderful cock almost overwhelmed me. I was able to take Him deep in my throat and to give him the pleasure He wanted. 

I guess this means that I do belong in the Cock Worshipping Society.

Feeling that i am on the right track

i don't know how things will pan out with this new Dom or if we will play more than a few times. i don't know if the special person will be him or another. What i do know is that i seem to have restarted the journey that stalled months ago. 

Over the last few months with S, we had some fantastic times. The kinky sex we had (much of it described here) was fantastic. The submission was in the moment and was really good. But i wasn't truly submitting to anyone. At the time that was fine, right for where i was and where he was.

Now though i feel differently. i kind of feel liberated by the fact he has another and i have made the decision that whatever happens there is no going back to that or to him.

i am thinking about submission a lot. i am considering even what it might be like to give up more control, even perhaps to enter a Master / slave relationship. That's not to say i ever would, but i am giving it some thought and in a considered and serious way.

The playdate on Sunday put me in a good place, and rather than drop, i have kind of stayed there. Not on the high that all of those orgasms gave me. But in a place where my submission has come to the forefront and is just there, kind of so i can touch it.

i plan to write here more. To write about me and how i am feeling. After all this is my journal and it is what i started it for.

Now off to face the day - i started my job permanently yesterday, so another new start - feeling positive about it and in a good place. 

200 not out

This is my 200th post on World of Joolz.

It is amazing to think that when I started this blog I was essentially living something of a dream. Something new and amazing had happened in my life, something I had kind of wanted to happen, but had been too frightened in the past to actually do. I was on a voyage of discovery, about who I was, about the person I can be.

In April last year, when I wrote my first post, everything was new - the relationship, the whole idea of having sex with someone who wasn't my husband and indeed the type of relationship it was emerging into. S and I had spent lots of time online and on the phone chatting, but we had only met the once. We had spent that first evening and night together but nothing else. I was yet to experience the thrill of humiliation, to discover how pain and pleasure are so closely linked. I was yet to discover so much about him and the kind of relationship we could and would have together. Indeed I had never tasted his cooking or experienced his amazing picnics. I didn't realise how beautiful the area in which he lives is. There was so much to discover and discover I did.

A couple of days after our relationship ended I started my year two page. I had been waiting for the right moment, the right inspiration, and now in a way I hadn't anticipated I now had it. Re-reading it last night, I was surprised that I was able to write so clearly when my heart felt just that little bit smashed to pieces.

Two weeks later and I can look back on events with a sense of pride and satisfaction and hopefully soon I will be ready to move on. Meantime, as I pass this land mark (and that's how it feels), I am wondering how this blog will look in another 200 posts? What further progress will I make, what will I be writing about, after all for now there is no sex in my life, let alone BDSM or any of its constituent parts.

I have plenty to be going on with mind. S and i are still friends, now able to chat freely with each other without me feeling I want to cry. I have a new job, secured this week and which I will be starting in the next week or so (more hours, more money than the work I have recently been doing). I have my apartment in France, which I will own this week and which I will be visiting with my son next weekend. I have my weight loss to concentrate on (10.5lb so far), and I have my friends.

The key part of my life that is different from April 2012 when I started this blog, is that I have discovered so many friends. I have developed friendships with people I already knew but wasn't all that close to. I have met new people through this blog and through fetlife, friends that I am now quite close to. Plus there are the people I have never met, but whom I have communicated through this and their own blogs and who I think if I met I would be friends with.

Here's to World of Joolz, onwards into the future. I am here and I am here to stay!

The future of 'innocent pornography'

Some would say there is no such thing, they would say that any pornography is bad, somehow likely to not only cause offence but to cause harm. Some, like the Prime Minister of my own Country apparently  think that online pornography is harmful to children and therefore must be blocked. In future in the UK we will have to tell our ISP that we wish to opt into pornography, in order to be able to access it online.

There are images, still and films, on the internet that are abusive, where consent hasn't been possible, perhaps with children or vulnerable adults. No right mined people want to see these online. They exist, but I believe you need to look to find them. Work needs to be done to protect the most vulnerable in society before those images are taken and posted online.

Really? All pornography? Adult pornography of all kinds? What exactly is pornography anyway?

Is it a topless picture of a woman, these are currently shown in a popular tabloid newspaper each day? Is is a picture of a consenting adult posing for her or his partner and then shared?
What about BDSM? I am sure it means BDSM!

According to Wikipedia pornography is: "the explicit portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual gratification" it goes on to identify that pornography is different from erotica because, rather than concentrating on the portrayal of sexuality though an artistic context, it focuses on the physical sexual act.

I wonder how the government will decide what constitutes materiel so harmful that it cannot be readily accessed. Will it mean some of the images shown on many of our blogs, or will it mean the blogs in general?  Will it mean images, or will it be also about writing fiction we consider erotic but others may view as extreme? What evidence is there that we are causing harm to anyone or that we need to be censored in this way? Those of us with young children (not me these days), are I am sure very careful to protect them from information and images that we consider harmful. This will not only include sex, but violence, war etc. The internet is an amazing medium that many of us could only have dreamed of when we were children. Granted there are things we do not want our children to see, to have access to. But do those wishing to view, share and discuss adult pornographic images in the comfort of our own homes need to be protected from ourselves in the name of child protection?

Jealousy

Many of the things i have found i love to do for (and with) Sir are things that hubby has always wanted me to do for him. Indeed it is not true that before i met Sir I had never worn stockings and heels for hubby, it is just that i complained about the idea of it. At the same time, i have sucked hubby's cock, but again, i just didn't really enjoy it. He tends to cum quickly, and i found the idea of that happening before i was even turned on repulsive. In time this led to me refusing to suck him, refusing to dress up, refusing to do anything that would please him.

It wasn't that i didn't want to make him happy, far from it. But i couldn't see what was in it for me. He has never learnt to touch me in a way that arouses, but throws this back at me, since i should have told him, taught him, shared with him how.

Now he knows the kind of things i will gladly do for Sir he is unsurprisingly jealous. What is more he says he is humiliated that people might find out that he is unable to satisfy me.

In fact, i did not stray because of that reason, well not just for sex. Rather, i looked for a whole range of experiences i wasn't getting at home.

i wanted someone to take control of situations, to make decisions to tell me what we should do and how we should do it. At the same time i wanted to feel cared for, to be stimulated not just sexually but emotionally and intellectually. i wanted conversations that didn't include football. i wanted to walk to talk, to find out who i was.

What i found was a D/s relationship, one that i didn't know i needed and one which for the past 15 months has sustained me. I found sex, amazing kinky sex. I found orgasms, humiliation, exhibitionism. But i also found friendship, someone who seemed to understand me and who in turn i could return the favour.

Hubby is jealous of the sex that he perceives (often quite rightly) that Sir and i enjoy. But perhaps he has a right to be jealous, just not of the things he thinks about,

i have some fun things to look forward to this week. i am really looking forward to some summer fun! More, much more to come......

Thoughts and feelings

It seems that my life has become one of twists and turns. I feel like I have set out on a journey without actually knowing the destination. It is like one day, I got up and thought: "do you know what? I have some spare time, so I am going off on a trip and will just see where I end up". For the most part it has been fun, it has certainly been full of discovery and of adventure. But just recently I keep coming to some very hazardous places. Sometimes the road appears to have subsided and I am in danger of disappearing into a deep deep hole. At other times I find I am at a dead end. What is more, even though I thought I had journeyed for miles and miles, I find that actually I am still in sight of the start point and still don't know where my destination is!

It is a year on Monday since I had my first online conversation with my Sir. We clicked almost immediately and I knew I had met someone who I wanted to get to know. We chatted over the next few days online and on the phone and within a couple of weeks we had met in person. When I ask myself if it has been worth it and if I would do this again, I am clear that I would.

Meeting Sir has changed my life for ever. Without him I would never have explored this new world, I probably wouldn't have discovered how fulfilling sex can be or some of the things I now find I love (and sometimes love to hate). Without him I wouldn't have explored a side to myself that I didn't even know I was keeping hidden. Without him I wouldn't have realised that dominance doesn't mean being treated as some kind of door mat. I wouldn't have discovered that submission can be fulfilling and can release you from the pressures of real life.

Actually a year ago, I didn't really know that I was submissive. I can be quite a scary person to people who don't know me well. But actually this year has been one of massive self discovery. When I started this journey, I thought that the submissive things was just about submitting in the bedroom. I thought BDSM was about pain, restraint, humiliation etc etc. We to a certain extent I was right, but I have discovered they are about so, so much more. 

I have made new friends, online and in real life. I have begun to learn to express myself - on here and in life too. I find that I can write about my thoughts and feelings but also I can talk to my Sir about myself and my needs in a way I didn't know possible.

I don't know why it is that I am so inhibited with my husband of 30 years. He is demanding an explanation. But I can't explain something I don't understand. I never intended to hurt him, but I suppose if I had thought about it before I set off a year ago, I would have realised that it was inevitable that I would.

I love to come here and to write about the great things Sir and I do together and I also find it therapeutic  to write about the more difficult aspects of life. For that reason I won't give up this blog.

Part of me thinks that I should make it for invited people only, like some kind of exclusive club. I write mainly for myself anyway so perhaps it doesn't matter if it is open or closed. But I know from experience that it gets complicated to have to people only arriving by invite. I am going to try opening it up when I know that hubby is unlikely to look and keeping it closed the rest of the time. I will see how things go.

I am almost at the stage when I wonder if it matters what he reads about me. In a way, it might help him. Well it would if he read the bits where I describe my feelings rather than the sexy parts. But that is rather too much to hope for since he thinks all of this is about sex!