Thursday, 15 May 2014

Feeling better at last

During the past week my mood and feeling of well being has swung between happiness and despair; well that's how it has felt. Just over a week ago I spent the most amazing evening with Sir and was as happy as can be. I had also been as submissive as I possibly ever had been.

This morning, I felt as if I was starting to return to as close to that state as I can be without having Him here and without the aid of orgasms or toys. I feel that I need to devote a bit of time at the weekend to getting myself back to the mind frame of being 'this girl'. 

After an anxious week with my dad we had some good news that the cancer is not as we feared in his spine and he has now rallied a bit. I am looking forward to giving he and my mum some time at the weekend.

This week I have had little contact with Sir. Knowing in advance that this would be the case hasn't helped as my mood, and feelings have swung wildly. At times I have wanted to tell him I don't think I can handle this kind of absence and his other relationship. But at other rational times I have recognised that is what I knew I was getting into and since I want to be in a relationship with Him then this is what I will of course be prepared to do.

Also this week I have been for relationship counselling. This is about ending my marriage and in one way was useful. It helped  me clarify where I have got to in ending my marriage. But it is very difficult to think about that relationship in isolation especially when my mind is on Sir and the relationship complications that brings with it.

The weekend feels a positive place. To take stock and to look forward. It is a place to acquaint myself with my submission. I just hope that I am able to have more contact with Him than an email or text. Otherwise, I don't know how long this good feeling will last!


  1. So glad you are feeling better. That is great news about your dad.

    "At times I have wanted to tell him I don't think I can handle this kind of absence and his other relationship. But at other rational times I have recognised that is what I knew I was getting into and since I want to be in a relationship with Him then this is what I will of course be prepared to do."

    I go through that emotional roller coaster ride once month. Sometimes twice. It's not easy and it sucks, but I'm truly not ready to be released. It's because I want "me me" now. He really is teaching me self control. It's not a fun lesson, but it's going to help me out in so many ways in all aspects of my life.

    We can do this!

  2. yes Hs you are so right. It annoys me that I don't seem to be able to handle this half as well as I thought I would. But actually, as I told him in an email just now, I am controlling my emotions since no one around me can tell!

  3. Our thoughts can really put us on a roller coaster at times, popping up to haunt us without warning. Like you joolz i am learning to process thoughts, to acknowledge the ones that are unfounded and only cause doubts and then to find ways to dismiss them for the silly thoughts they are. Some days it is easier to hold onto the correct perspective than others. i tend to be very hard on myself and can give a million reasons why i am not good enough, worthy enough, strong enough and so on, thus creating those doubts of how long will Master still want me, is He tired of me, what if this, what if that... silly thoughts like that.

    Maybe you and i could do a "Focusing" page. A page on our blogs that lists various quotes and/or acts from Our Master/Sir. Those things They have said to us that help us to remember how valuable our realtionship is and just how much we need it and love it. Something to remind us just how very much the silly bumps in the road are so worth going through just to be Theirs.

    Hang in there dear joolz, as i can see who much you have grown and i truly feel you and your Sir have so much more to come.

    *hugs and a kiss* slave *~destiny~*

  4. *giggles* typo correction on last line...

    ... as i can see HOW much you have grown....

    1. I think a focusing page sounds like an excellent idea. There are lots of things that we are told and later manage to forget, causing us to then as you say, question everything.

  5. I have glad the things with your dad isn't as bad as you thought where his health is concerned. Sending positive thoughts your way and theirs. Have a good weekend.

  6. Hi Joolz
    Good news on your dad.
    I am conflicted sometimes about this 'cake and eat it' that some Dominant men engage in. Enter a relationship with a man who has another girl or wife or lover and go in with eyes open doesn't seem to be a problem.
    Is the difficulty when we are perhaps looking for something more in the way of fidelity?

    I might ponder this some more in a post.

    L xx thinking of you J

  7. Yes I am sure you are right. The opportunity to be able to discuss the complexity of these relationships is probably what I need, but am able to get through other sources including this blog. Look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.

  8. I love this post and the responses! I've struggled a lot with polyamory, sharing his affections and my jealousy even though I'm not a big believer in life long monogamy. It's rarely realistic but the idea of the perfect man and perfect monogamous relationship has been so ingrained in us since birth. Society, movies, etc so often associate happiness with monogamy.
    I've come a long way but I still struggle. It's comforting to find that others do too. The quiet times are the worse. Hang in there!

  9. Thanks Betsy, you are so right. This is one of the key social norms or our culture, and it is difficult for most of us to get our heads around. For me it is a reality, and fine in principle. Living it is something else. But I have to say, that even since I wrote this post, I am beginning to get my head around the idea and my feelings more into place. Still a long way to go but it is great to have such wonderful people around me,