A girl's ramblings

I don't have anything specific to blog about today, so this is just going to be a mixture of the things going through my mind right now. What you might describe as a girl's ramblings.

Last weekend Master and i travelled to the south of France. My friends, who spend most of the summer in France were in the UK for a family wedding and a work colleague of hubby and his family had booked my apartment. It seemed like a good excuse for a short break to the sun. Timely as it turned out as the summer here has come to an abrupt end. We had an amazing time visiting a host of new places - all new for me and a couple new for Him. The trouble is, that these trips just give more ideas for future travel (not sure if that is a bad thing as such). The trip itself cost me more than the rental on the apartment, but who cares if you are having a good time?

Actually I do care and I am now looking into having a company manage the change overs next week so I can actually rent the place out and try to cover costs better than I have this year. Hopefully by then I will be more sorted in my personal life, certainly my marriage, home etc.

Hubby is now in France with his 'platonic lady friend'. Since he has been gone, he has texted me incessantly with inane questions that I am sure I had given him the answer to already. Even if I hadn't there is information in the apartment. What then is he up to? There is a pattern. He tends to communicate with me mainly by text, but when I am away he usually steps that up and sends text after text about what I am doing, what the weather is like etc. When he is away, there is usually nothing. But this time, on this trip the level of texts are getting me down. My dad suggested that he is trying to control me, to prevent me moving on with my life. He said also that I need to stop mothering him. I am not sure if control is the right word for him. But I know I have to stop replying. Master says - delete, don't reply. It is going to be a challenge to follow His advice / suggestion / order (probably the former unless I don't comply).

This weekend Master and I had a more relaxing weekend (not withstanding hubby's interruptions). Sometimes just chilling out is the thing to do, along with some home cooking (by me and then Him) and a couple of meals out. We are getting increasingly irritated that it is more challenging to find good food at a reasonable price in our pubs than it is to find good food when travelling. For some reason, despite the fact that British pubs are something of a dying breed, most are now chains that provide substandard offerings. Adequate yes, but definitely not good.

I also visited my parents a couple of times. Essentially it was my turn - my brothers were both working. As dad becomes weaker and struggles to walk distances it is a sad reality that he can no longer safely drive (due to medication). He also struggles to find the strength to lift and carry things. My mum is struggling with anxiety, not feeling safe walking out of the house. Neither are particularly old at 75 but they are frail (dad with cancer and mum has had several strokes). But visits are proving fun. We are chatting and laughing, enjoying each others company in a way we haven't for a long time. Going shopping with them is like a Darby and Joan outing. They have both developed a dark humour (when not complaining about something) and I am definitely embracing these last few weeks of being a girl with two parents.

My son's relationship with his girlfriend is blossoming (not withstanding a couple of days last week when he seemed to be over worrying their relationship) and they also are due to go off to France for a week soon.

Living here, now, in the moment I have to say that this girl is feeling pretty happy with life. This status quo might not last but for now, I am savouring what I have. I am feeling truly blessed with what I have. I just need to dump one very big monkey from my back!!

Kinks and fetishes

Master has given me the task of blogging about my kinks and fetishes. I have written about all of them in this blog in the past, but this will give me the opportunity to go into much more detail.

There is no doubt that life in the kinky world has moved quickly for me, since my first encounters in April 2012. I was lucky to meet a man who made his fetishes clear to me and then who pushed my boundaries to achieve them. I have to admit the first time he called me a slut, or a whore, I wasn't sure  I exactly liked it. But what was clear was that being called those names turned me on. So in no particular order:

Humiliation and exhibitionism - I am putting these together, because even though it is not always the case so often they have taken place at the same time. Wearing clothes I wouldn't usually wear, perhaps without underwear can be both liberating and at the same time humiliating. Being out with Master while wearing  a short and revealing dress turns me on. I love the idea that others might look at me and think me a slut, I am willing to expose myself for Him, and to stand in a way that He can touch me up in a public place. I find it exciting, thrilling and shameful all at the same time. Sometimes though, I have been meeting Him somewhere and for example might have been to buy shoes. I am aware of my body at all times, the fear that i might need to bend over, might trip and my body be seen is scary but exciting. I love to be told how dirty I am, I love also to be made to express myself in words I wouldn't usually wish to. To use the words whore, slut, cunt in ways that I know turn Him on and in doing so do the same to me. To have those words written on my body and to see them in the mirror as I dress in the morning is also a big turn on. I am not sorry that Master doesn't have the same fetish for heels and stockings as S did. While I like the feel of the stockings, they are often too short, as I am tall. Of course, I would never have objected if that had been what He had wanted from me.

Being touched, played with, or even having sex out doors, especially in a public place is a big turn on for me. I love the feel of the air on my skin and the risks associated with being discovered doing something that is essentially taboo.

Anal play - I have written here quite a bit about the thrill Anal sex gives me. It feels on the one hand the most intimate thing, the biggest turn on and on the other something shameful (back to the humiliation thing). Increasingly I can orgasm without stimulation elsewhere, while having anal sex. What is more, the very presence of a butt plug, can be calming and settling. It helps put me into the most amazing head space. I have my new, larger plug at home and am very much looking forward to getting to know it much more intimately.

Restraint - I love to be restrained, especially when I have had a lot going on in my life, when I am tense. I love my legs to be restrained in the spreader bar, to have my arms tied (though I am less keen on handcuffs as they can be uncomfortable). If I am also blindfolded and gagged, then all the better. I love the way in which all of those things heighten your senses and make it hard to know what is exactly being done to you and with what toy.

Recently I have discovered that multiple orgasms, forced or otherwise, can have the effect of making me feel as though I am restrained, when I am not. This feeling helps my submission, especially when again I have been somewhat stressed for whatever reason.

Nipple play - My nipples have always been sensitive, but since I had them pierced you can multiply that 10 fold. I love when He plays with them in a public place or gives them a quick squeeze. I love them played with during sex, and I found out last week that it is possible to cum with no stimulation other than having your breast squeezed. I love also to play with  my own nipples and when alone, I do.

Pain - I am something of a pain slut, but not a masochist by any stretch of the imagination. Having said that, the more turned on I am, then the more pain I can tolerate. Especially if Master has taken a reasonably slow approach, perhaps starting with the violet wand and moving up through various paddles, crops and whips. Pain on my cunt, my tits and my legs are as good for me as on my bottom and back though.

Orgasm control, forced orgasms - The most amazing thing ever in my book is the hitachi, to be forced against your will (if indeed it was against my will) to cum multiple times with that wonderful toy is one of the best things. Closely followed by being able to cum just because someone tells you to. Luckily for me, Master likes me to cum and considers it an important thing, that orgasms are released and given to Him. Giving up that control was the first thing I did for Him and it is probably what got me to where I am now.

Cock worship - I am not sure this is a fetish or kink, since doesn't every woman do this? Maybe not, since I didn't in the past. The D/s dynamic gives a whole new perspective; He wants you to get down before Him and take Him, you want to, since you love His cock so much. Whatever, I do actually worship His very cock.

Have I missed anything? This might be a post that I need to add to......

What the words we use mean to me

Yesterday during my slight melt down, I asked Master what I should blog about. I have been struggling with topics, particularly as some of the things that do bother me, I don't feel comfortable with blogging about in detail here. I know that I should be able to use this as a place to freely speak my mind, but even though it is very similar to a journal, it isn't a private place and I am always mindful of that fact.

This morning Master came back with a suggestion that I blog about the words we use and what they mean to me, thinking about how those meanings have changed. For simplicity of writing style, and no other reason, I am going to write in the first person.

Two and a half years ago I had never given much thought to submission, or to Dominance. I knew very little of the world of BDSM, indeed I had the view that it was predominantly about sex, and kinky sex at that. My life at the time was pretty much free of sex, kinky or otherwise. I felt my life had been one of domestic drudgery. Working hard, essentially doing everything for the family, being there at everyones beck and call. I felt quite unhappy with my lot. I had no understanding that my need to be that person, to serve an other, or indeed others, was part of who I was. I didn't realise that it was possible to provide service, to submit and in return be cared for and to be protected. I knew I wanted to be looked after, I knew that I needed someone to take more control of my life, but I had a husband, and since he wasn't such a bad man, I thought that was my lot in life.

A few times in the past 5 or 6 years, I have played online. Until early 2012 though, I had never actually been in a BDSM chat room and encountered the Dominant / submission dynamic. Something drew me there and once it did, I found it felt like home. I began reading all I could online and then bought books which told me more about it. I met S almost simultaneously. There was never a question in my mind that I was submissive and the more I read, the more we chatted, the greater the pull was. The sex offered by S was kinky, and I was as keen to explore that part of me as he was. It was part of the BDSM 'thing' as far as I could see then; the submission came alongside.

Fast forward to now and I recognise that within a relationship sex is very important. For me now, kinky sex is what I need, not to say that any sex isn't something I love. It is. But what I know now is that submission isn't about sex per say. Submission is something deeply held. A feeling, a need, a desire. It is what makes me feel like a whole person. It isn't about kneeling, about physical restraint, it isn't about calling my Dominant by a particular name. It is just who I am. 

It never crossed my mind until recently that I might even identify with slave rather than submissive. I am still not certain, why I increasingly believe that to be the case. In the past I had a negative view of what that might mean given what I knew of the history of slavery past and present. But knowing that it is possible to consent to being someone's property, their slave, actually gives me a sense that I could be fulfilled in a way I never imagined. That I could offer all of myself to another, and that person could want to take control of every part of me. That I would never again have to retain power over the whole of my life is something that I want and desire. Right now, there is nothing that makes me happier than when Master asks: "who owns you?" and I reply "you do".

How then is this different from the rest of my adult life? I have always felt that I existed only for the benefit of others, but that somehow I received little in return. How is it different to willingly give up, when in the past you felt it was just taken, and what is more, taken for granted by all of those around you. Perhaps it is the knowledge that Master doesn't take. He asks me to give, and once it is given, He retains it. Even though this relationship only started some 5 months ago, it feels like a gradual process. He didn't demand, I gave willingly, and the more I gave the more I felt I needed to give. At some point (actually a day in May when He was away in the US), we both appeared to realise that I had a need to give up complete control. I had an overwhelming desire to become His slave. 

When Master tells me He owns me, it makes me feel safe and secure. It makes me feel bound, even when not restrained. I call him Master now, freely and in a way I couldn't seem to get used to Sir. He tells me He is my Lord (He loves being called Lord), and He is. To begin with I laughed at the idea of calling Him such a name, but now, the name Lord, is also spoken easily. The knowledge I am His girl, that my name is girl fits easily in my head. At times, I wonder, that I was ever anything else. 

But the names mean nothing without the actions. I called another person Master, though only really in the bedroom (as it were). This is something deeper, more consuming. Being slave (a slave called girl), is now deeply within me. Without His help and guidance, without control, I feel lost. For me, He is my Lord and Master and whether I like it or not (and mostly I do) He owns me, inside and out. 

Pictures from Destiny's Pinterest page

Needing control from a far

I am away for a few days on my own. I say on my own, but actually, although I am here on my own in the apartment, I am really with friends. Last night was a birthday celebration, for someone I have known since I was about 5 years old. She was older, already 13 and as her teenage years progressed she adopted my mum as her 'big sister'/ 'surrogate mum', since, as many of us do, she had relationship problems with her own mum. Mine was younger, with young children. Over the years, I have become closer to her and her own family. Yesterday was her 60th - a young, fun 60. Many friends and family came together and celebrated with her.

I have had great fun. Have chatted, laughed and generally hung out. It has been lovely.

But I have been missing the feeling of control Master has been giving me. Which I think deepened when we were in Lisbon.

Yesterday as I got ready for my night out, my mood dropped and I could easily have just crawled into bed and stayed away from the party. I didn't and I pulled myself together. Late last night though, Master and I skyped and discussed my slight melt down.

There were factors which played in and which seemed to have affected me. Firstly, in the morning, I skyped with His other slave. Consciously and deliberately I offered this opportunity, since face to face is less likely to be misunderstood than text. Plus the timing suited us both - me at the beginning, she at the end of the day. I came away feeling that we had had a good chat, and we did. But there were a few things that played on my mind all day. A certain sense of trying to get one up on me, which may or may not be the case. Whatever, it played on my mind during the day.

Second, was the constant contact from the man who remains my husband in the legal sense. When I am home, days can go by without any contact at all. Even when he spends an evening at home, little meaningful conversation goes on. But when I am here, especially if alone, he does not leave me alone! Text after text come through, and if I don't respond then he sends another. Each text I send from France, costs money, so to be frank, I would rather only contact those I wish to and that doesn't include him.

These two things were sufficient to wind me up enough that I had my mini crisis as I showered and changed for the evening. Add to that the fact I bombarded Master with a good 6 or 7 texts, which were to be frank a little bratty, with no response and you have a girl who needs some guidance and yes, control.

As we sat across France from each other, He told me that He could see I need the control from Him. We talked about how I need to manage those outside influences. We talked about the fact that He doesn't mind if I bombard Him with texts, so long as I know He isn't going to respond to my bratty rants. I already knew that at the time mind you.

He asked me who I am and who I belong to - I am this girl and she belongs to Him, Master. When away from Him, they are the two things to keep in mind. Plus, to act in a way that He would want me to.

Today, He wants me to turn off my phone. I plan to do that - to have it with me, but to turn it off while I go about my day - to the local market soon and then to the beach. Tomorrow I leave for home and tomorrow night I can feel His control in person.

Image from For the Love of a Submissive

Saturday morning fun

Master introduced two new toys shortly after we woke on Saturday morning. The first was some kind of oddly shaped gadget, apparently called (according to the website he obviously bought it from) an intimate part spreader. Also according to the website it stimulates the G spot. Well. It certainly stimulated the G spot. Plus seemed to cause this girl's clit to go into some kind of spasm. That is some toy!!! It looks weird, but wow!! 

This girl was ready for anything. Just as well, since He then introduced something else. Something this girl can only describe as a snake. Well, kind of very very long, double ended cock. Master made His girl fuck herself silly with that cock. Apparently it is suitable to fit in two different holes, or two different girls. Obviously the opportunities are endless. 

By the time this girl had had her cunt spread, her labia exposed, her clit blown on and then a large snake fucking her, she was a gibbering wreck deep in a subby space. Her reward for giving Master the pleasure of watching His girl used in this way was to be able to take Him in her mouth and reap the benefits of His orgasm.

This girl loves to give and receive pleasure and that was some pleasure. This girl was fit to burst with her own happiness.

Unfortunately later, events out of her control sent her into a bit of a tail spin. Events which took her all of Sunday morning to recover from. 

This girl has spoken before of the problems associated with the whole polyamorous lifestyle. Once again it was that whole thing which stopped this girl feeling quite as good as she had done. At times it is hard to understand quite what this girl or indeed Master does to deserve such highs and then such lows. But it is as it is. Things are back on an even keel again now, but this girl has to wonder for how long. This girl often wonders how she might get through this whole thing. Whether it is worth it. On Saturday night and into Sunday, she had serious doubts.

But it isn't often in life a girl gets the chance of the kind of happiness Master brings to her. The fun they have together, the way they are able to laugh through difficult situations. Life was never meant to be easy, and for sure it isn't. The life this girl and her Master are living is complex and down right complicated. But from where this girl sits right now it is worth it. 

Anyway where else will she find a man who has such a wonderful range of gadgets and isn't afraid to use them!

Friday - Highs

This weekend has been a bit about highs and lows. But in this post, this girl thinks she should just concentrate on the highs. Maybe tomorrow, or later in the week, she will feel the need to discuss the lows. But right now, what good would that do?

This girl has had a long, three day, weekend. The whole, 4 day working week thing is just what thing girl needed. Even if, as happened this week, she doesn't get as much sleep as she would like, this girl is still able to catch up pretty quickly. Plus there is the advantage of having more time to do the chores around the house. Even better, is the fact that on her day off, a girl can have lunch with a friend and spend the afternoon and evening with her Master. 

This girl loves the fact that she has met such wonderful people since discovering her submission. People like my lovely girlfriend, who i lunched with on Friday. Never before has this girl had someone who she can tell everything to. Plus in return receive some amazing and pretty unbiased advice. It is also lovely to see this girl's friend growing as she is, exploring new things, building friendships and actually having fun on the way. That of course what life is about, surely.

Then off to meet Master. To visit a London gallery that both excited and depressed us both in one go. This girl loves how Master has the knowledge about art, history and art history. But, it is clear that at times we are equal in our knowledge that some London galleries and museums are bizarre in the way they think ordinary people want to view the artwork available. Of course, this girl is naive in her knowledge, but has, over the past couple of years spent a lot of time wandering round these places and instinctively knows when things are right or wrong. Master is not naive, so it is good to know this girl's instincts are generally on the right track.

After dinner, we headed back to Master's place. It is important to note, that since the whole 'no luggage in Lisbon' thing, this girl can now just travel 'avec tooth brush and hair brush' and stay over (though face cream is going to be added for the future). Also, glasses are also carried (contact lens solution now resides at Master's house).

Back at His house, He gave this girl a new and to be frank, expected, toy. A new Mr Steel Butt plug. What is more, this is a serious plug, two sizes larger than the original!  (one that this girl wears as she writes this post). It was a warm evening, so without any instruction this girl stripped off (obviously that was the only reason).

The world cup is still in action, so Master used the opportunity to watch the football and also play with His girl. This involved demanding several orgasms with, from what this girl can remember, minimal effort on His part - a touch here, a pinch there, a slap here, a suck there. Then he took that very large plug and pushed it into this girl's cunt. At the time, this girl considered, that if it felt like it did in her cunt, what would it feel like inside her rectum; now she knows.

The football was of course interesting, but to be frank, an early start, a full cunt and multiple orgasms, relaxed this girl to the extent that she had a snooze during the second half. But once this girl and Master retired to bed, she was much more alert for the wonderful time they both had. This girl drifted to sleep again, one hell of a happy girl. On such a high.

Dealing with the relationships

When I started the relationship with Master, I knew about His slave. But since we were getting together predominantly to play, and maybe just go out together. We would provide company to each other, during a difficult time for us both. She seemed happy with the arrangement. We all discussed the whole poly thing, but to be frank none of us really saw what was coming.

Over the last 5 months (yesterday was the anniversary of our first meeting), things have developed. There is something special between us that at times, for me feels over whelming. The nature of a D/s relationship, the trust and the control add something that conventional relationships don't necessarily have. Add to that the elements present during play, add in even the nature of the sex itself. This was never going to be about playing and keeping each other company. You can be sure it isn't.

What I didn't realise though was the intensity of the relationship between Master's other girl and Him. This is not to say I shouldn't have realised, since I already understood their future plans. But I was caught up in the moment.

She and I have communicated on and off for most of the past 5 months. We are friends on Facebook and message each other there or on Skype. But both find this a challenge. We both say things that upset the other, and then that leads to difficulties not just for us, but also for Master too who is the one to pick up the pieces. Of course, you might say He got Himself into this, which He did. But still, it is the reality.

What is apparent to me though, and to Him, is that I am a little more vulnerable that people might imagine. My demeanour, my words, suggest someone in control of herself and her emotions. But the enormity of some of the issues going on in my life mean that appearances can be deceptive. Add in the fact that I am still learning to be the kind of submissive I need to be, and that He wants of me and at times I feel like a gibbering wreck. A careless word, a photo on Fetlife and I am reading all kinds of things into the meaning - even if there probably isn't one to find.

I am going to try to step back a little from my relationship with her again. I don't want to cause offence, but at the moment I need to consider myself.

I don't know what the future will bring for any or all of us. But for the moment, I am happy in the relationship I have. I know I need to concentrate on being the person I want and need to be and in serving the Man who is my Master. Concentrate too on what I can manage and control and what should be controlled in me.

Challenges

Knowing that i return to work today after a week off, i was always going to sleep less well than of late. It was a night when i had no calming hand from Master and it was a night when i had more than enough hot flushes.

But it was the visitor who arrived in the house, and bedroom at 4.35am (according to the digital clock) that prevented good quality sleep before his arrival and any sleep at all afterwards.

My first challenge, going forward is to stop this happening every Monday and Tuesday morning.

This week my son and I are off to Ikea this week to buy him some new bedroom furniture. I will then move his current bed into the spare room and that will become hubby's bedroom when he is here.

Next, there are a few bits of decorating to be done and then I really do need to move to the next phase, since ending the marriage necessitates selling the house.

My son said yesterday that he will be happy to move with me to wherever I go if he is not ready to move out to his own flat. He also offered to speak to his dad about the way he comes and goes. I just love the way that boy has grown into such a lovely young man. But no, any conversations about his dad and I need to be had by us. I need to maintain my new found calm and resolve to do so though.

.............................

While we were away, Master and i discussed ways in which we might more openly display the nature of our relationship in the future. Thinking about the challenges ahead for me, i really do need to have those boundaries and rules set. i also think i need something other than my piercings that tells me and others, who i am. 

Even when He is not here, i feel His influence in everything i do. But i know that as the days go by, i need some ways to refocus my mind and body so that i can continue to serve Him and to make Him pleased with me even during those difficult times. 

A good place

This girl feels very calm right now.

She has spent most of the last week with her Master and has been subject to His calming influence and to His power and control. This girl has made few decisions, and when she has, they have been in the knowledge that He isn't far away. Even today when we have been apart, He hasn't been far from this girl's thoughts and that helps keep her on the right path.

This morning, shortly after waking, Master took possession of this girl. He had already instructed her to give Him a number of orgasms and then He took her arse for the first time in a few weeks. It was a fitting end to a wonderful week. This girl can still feel where He has been, as she writes this blog post over 12 hours later.

The challenge now, as this girl returns to work tomorrow and encounters the stresses of both work and home, is to maintain this calm feeling. To prevent that feeling of happiness falling away too quickly and not allow those who may cause this girl to feel anxious and doubt herself from doing so.

Today this girl was complimented by her dad on the way she handled one or two put down comments from her mum. In the past this girl was quick to react to such comments, but today she acted differently. She acted instead, in the way she and Master have discussed. She felt proud. Of the comments, and that if Master had been there, that He would have been pleased with her.

This girl has a number of things she needs to focus on in the coming months to make the changes that are necessary to her life. She knows that being calm and organised is part of the key to being successful in making these changes. She knows that she needs to make something of a plan. She needs Master's help in doing this and in helping keep her on track.

This girl needs to learn how to keep within this good place even when she and Master aren't together, even when He can't see her. That is the challenge.

Time away

This girl has just woken in her own bed, alone, for the first time in almost a week. This girl loves sleeping with Master, often she wakes with His hand on her body. He says His hand has a calming influence on a girl who thrashes around a little at times during sleep. 6 consecutive nights together, though and this girl was beginning to enjoy the routine.

The trip to Lisbon was wonderful in so many ways and has left this girl with some memories which will stay with her for years to come. The beautiful views (once you negotiated the hills), the pretty (cobbled) streets, the amazing buildings, many of them as they have always been, some of them however decaying. The smell of fish cooking (something this girl likes and Master does  not), the lovely wine and the beer. Master taking control of the map and pouring over it at each street corner as He looked for the next place He was taking this girl to see. The music; Fado which He introduced this girl to, and which she loved listening to as they ate dinner (though the second evening's experience was better than the first). Master with His camera, taking so much care to get the right shot, while this girl has taken 5 of her own, in her own natural way. 

The trip was not without its problems, mainly the one where neither of our cases appeared on the baggage carousel. Master's arrived on Wednesday and this girl's appears now to be in Lisbon, though it has not yet caught up with her. This meant Monday morning was spent hunting toiletries, and Tuesday morning spent in a shopping mall buying clothes. But in a way this just added to the experience. There were no tears, tantrums or arguments. In the end we just laughed about the misfortune of not being able to wear certain clothes or do certain things. We were both able to wear clean clothes at the very point where wearing our dirty clothes stopped being an option. Plus this girl finds the smell of her Master very very sexy. 

One of the downsides of Master's luggage going missing was that His toys were in His case. But, even though the Hitachi (nor anything else He had in there) failed to made an appearance, this girl certainly didn't go without being the object of His pleasure. This girl's favourite time was usually after waking, but before the need to get up for breakfast. A time when Master used His girl and she worshipped Him in the way He likes and expects. 

When you put all of that together, it was a very special time indeed. 

The timing had a particular purpose. Now that anniversary is done with, this girl needs to move things on at home. The next challenge. 

Rediscovering that special space

It is weeks since this girl has been in a seriously submissive place. Well until last night that it. Don't get me wrong, this girl has had some wonderful sex with Master since He returned from His travels. Plus last Sunday morning there was a little play session. But on other days over the past 3 weeks, this girl has struggled, as has Master. There has been a lot going on for us both when it has come to life in general and to other people in our lives. Last night though, Master visited this girl in her own home. We ate dinner, we drank wine and we chatted. We also watched TV - mainly the world cup which is almost compulsory for us Brits.

Later in the evening this girl, who was only wearing a little summer dress anyway, stripped naked for Master. As He played with His girl,  she became more and more aroused. As is often the case, the memory of events are a little blurred (and not just because of the wine), but there were a lot of orgasms taken from this girl and given to Master. This girl would call them forced, except it didn't seem to take much for Master to take them from her. They involved His hands, a very cold beer bottle and then most amazingly His mouth. This girl felt all sense of reality leave her as she found herself floating to a special place she hadn't been for a while. Subspace.

Master called this girl a number of names while she was there. He told her that she was His piece of fuck meat, His to use. This girl just agreed. She was and is His to own and use as He wishes and she feels blessed that He chose to use her in that way last night. To take her to a place where she was just girl and He was just Master.

This morning in bed, Master fucked His girl's cunt and then she was rewarded with a mouthful of His cock and then His seed.

This afternoon this girl finds herself in a better mental and physical place than she has inhabited for weeks.  This girl knows too that she can inhabit that place for the next week. Tomorrow we leave for our time away.

Back next weekend.

Letting go

The last couple of weeks have been both wonderful and a little odd for this girl. On the one hand, she has been lucky enough to see lots of Master, times in bed, a little play and out having a good time together. But on the other, Master and this girl had not discussed the whole Master / slave situation. He asked this girl to become His slave when He was thousands of miles away and straight away she knew it was what she wanted, needed even. A couple of new rituals were introduced, but other than that little changed.

Yesterday, despite having been with Master the previous evening and going to bed feeling really happy and relaxed, this girl got up with a real knot in her insides. The feelings of anxiety were, she knew, about some unsaid things between she and Master. It is not as if there won't be time to say those things in the next few days, especially given that this girl and Master are off away for a few days at the weekend. But for some reason the feelings of anxiety and even distress grew.

Last night, at last (not really many hours, but a long time when your insides are in knots), this girl and Master discussed her submission and some important things about their relationship with each other. This girl was able to describe what her submission means to her and what she needs from Him. She was also able to say how she feels both when they are together and when apart.

In Master's presence, this girl is able to trust implicitly in Him. She relaxes in His presence in a way she doesn't any where else right now. His very touch is enough to calm, His look enough to stop her words and even outside thoughts. His commands have an immediate effect. She feels that she is totally and completely owned by Him and happy with everything about that.

Most of the time when not together, this girl feels fine. She still knows who owns her and increasingly she goes about her life considering what He would think of what she was doing. Choices are increasingly made on that basis. This is particularly true in the way this girl acts and behaves with others. She is increasingly mindful of what He would say if He were present, would he tell her she was a good girl, or maybe being a little bratty?

From time to time though, and yesterday was like a bolt from the blue, this girl feels like a rug has been pulled from under her and that she needs Him to catch her from falling. Of course yesterday He wasn't there, it was some time before He knew there was anything wrong, and even if He had known He probably wouldn't have known He needed to do anything at all, if indeed He could.

Master and this girl discussed these feelings and possible causes. This girl is currently going through the menopause, and it seems likely that this is a major factor. But on top of this, it is clear that this girl was anxious about some things she would like to influence, perhaps even control, but actually doesn't need to. External factors to this girl's life. Things that will happen whether or not this girl intervenes. Things that actually this girl has no real right or need to intervene in. They discussed this girl's need to let go of those things and to let what happens, just, happen.

This girl has been someone who tried to control and influence, even when those things were neither asked for or desired. It is part of that need to help, to nurture, to make people happy.

In truth the only people this girl needs to make happy are herself, a very small circle of family and most importantly her Master. That is what this girl will focus on for now.

At the weekend Master and this girl will discuss some more contractual things about their relationship. But right now all this girl needs to know is how much this girl is cared for and what she needs to do to please Him.

Random Sunday thoughts

Though I haven't necessarily articulated it in this way, I have often felt and said that finding my submission often makes me feel that the rug has been pulled from me. I know I am on a journey somewhere, but don't really yet understand the destination. I am clear that submission for me is a better place than the one I inhabited before, and I am also clear that a half hearted attempt at submission, such as just in the bedroom is not an option for me.

I guess though, that I really never understood how difficult this journey would be.

I always felt reasonably assured in myself before. Confident in what I needed to do. That was partly because I rarely let anyone see the part of myself that is hidden to others, let alone the one that is hidden to me too. That sadly includes my husband of 30 years. I built a wall, one that was practically impenetrable. But a wall that is gradually being dismantled.

Things that I would have brushed aside, now concern me greatly - what people think, the deeper meaning within words, the reality that I feel nervous, fragile, sometimes unable to cope with ordinary life.

I seek assurance in a way that I never thought I would. I feel the need to try to understand the future in a way that I never did before, and frankly can't even be determined.

This is partly to do with the fact I am in the process of so many endings. But also because of the reality that I have embarked on a relationship where I don't yet know what is expected of me. Nothing yet is clear. Where as in the past I always thought I was allowing things just to happen, in reality, I was controlling them. Suddenly I feel I need clarity, but don't control how that emerges. I need rules, perimeters and to understand my place, but don't really know how to make that happen.

I know I need to let go much more, but am finding doing so really hard. I need His help, His support and His care. But I also need to have it spelt out a little more explicitly.

A weekend that we both needed

This girl is home from a weekend with her Master, a weekend that she needed and maybe that He needed too. There has been no play as such, but what there has been is time together, in each others company. We have spent more time than usual in bed, but not necessarily having sex, though there has been plenty of that. Both Master and this girl have been satisfied.

Master remains jet lagged. This girl understands how that feels, since she herself has been affected for well over a week following transatlantic travel. Added to that, He has been preoccupied with some health issues relating to His other slave. This girl also has been tired after the stresses of managing her own ordinary life. This girl increasingly needs His help to manage her life, but realising this brings its own stresses especially when He wasn't around to help.

Having down time together was probably the best thing. A gentle, sensual time with just the right amount of M/s conversation, S/m play and then the rest of the time doing pretty vanilla things which we were able to discuss and laugh about.

This girl is home this afternoon feeling rested, relaxed and happy.

There are times in a person's life when that is all that is needed. Especially when you feel that you have helped another feel the same.

Priorities

The text below was written yesterday morning, but haste to leave for work and the fact that this girl was feeling a little emotional, the 'publish' button didn't get pressed.


I can't deny I am struggling with making my marriage actually come to an end.

For the most part, he and I live in a state of avoidance and denial. He avoids me and we both deny the need to actually do anything. I have begun to clear things out, have created space in the spare room, have changed some of my behaviours but still it is ever present.

For all the time we spend apart. For all that is not said. We remain married to each other.

I need now to make that change.

The happiness I felt on Tuesday, was replaced with a sense of misery and doom last evening, knowing that for the first time in a week, hubby would be making an appearance today. He made his presence felt at whatever hour it was and he left me a note asking if I would do his washing. I have.

I have asked Master to help me work out what to do next. I really do need to do something. I can't continue like this. In perpetual limbo.

Despite those feelings, this girl knew that Master prefers her to focus while at work, and she had a busy day ahead. With determination that took quite some effort, this girl did just that, and between 9 and around 4 a lot was achieved. But arriving back from a meeting, with another 2 hours in the office to go, this girl felt her resolve slipping away.

A few weeks ago, this girl had signed up to an after work corporate event that seemed like it would be fun. Mainly though, she did so because she assumed hubby would be home and it would mean an evening out of the house when he was in it. This however seems a poor reason to go to an event on her own with a great load of strangers. This girl sat thinking that the last thing she needed was to engage in meaningless small talk with people she didn't want to be with.

This girl felt a little isolated at that point. There had been no word from Master, despite a text, email and the blog post above, she thought she had posted. She texted to tell him she felt alone.

He replied that he was sorry but that his jet lag had made him lethargic and he hadn't really done anything today.

Instead of the corporate event, this girl went to her Master. She left her desk at the regular time of 5pm and by 6.30 she was with Him.

It was a pleasant, quiet evening just spent in each other's company. Talking, just sitting, a little touching and kissing, dinner.....

This girl thinks that an evening with her Master was so much better for her than what had been planned and she hopes that an evening in her company helped Master feel a little more energised.

Tonight when she sees Him, she expects things will be a little different......

Today

This girl will feel her Master's hands on her again.

Feel His embrace.

Feel His lips on hers.

Taste Him.

Look into His eyes.

Hear Him call her girl.

His good girl.

This girl will get to call Him Master, to His face, in the Flesh.

Today.

30 days of submission revisited 17-21

17) What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Trust is an extremely important aspect of this girl's relationship with Master. The trust that this girl needs to have that He will care for her and keep her safe from harm is part of that. But since this girl is part of a three way polyamorous relationship, means that the need for trust is an even greater issue. While this girl writes these words, Master is 6000 miles away in bed with His other slave. That knowledge is something that this girl is coming to terms with much more and is an area where she must trust Him to manage both relationships in a way that is best for us all. 

As this girl gives more to Master, in terms of herself, her body and mind then the need to trust Him increases. This process is happening over time and requires trust in Him, it also requires that she trust her own instincts and give herself totally to Him.

18) Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Master encourages this girl to communicate her needs and her feelings. He is also very happy to hear her opinion (most of the time). But, this girl has discovered that while He definitely listens, and hears her point of view, He then makes His own decision on what is best. This girl trusts that He will take her feelings in to account when making decisions on the things they do and if He takes a different view to hers, it will be the right one. That of course, doesn't always stop this girl from arguing but she knows who has the final word.

19) How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

This girl has one special real life friend she met through Fetlife who she sees regularly and whom has become a great source of support. We meet every couple of months, but email most weeks. We confide in each other and have supported each other through one or two difficulties. This girl has a newer friend, destiny, who she met through both her Master and hers, via Alt.com. We have not yet been able to meet in person, but have been chatting on Skype regularly. This has happened as both of our Masters are far away from us right now. We will definitely keep those chats up once my Master gets back and hope to meet in the not too distance future when she visits the UK. This girl also has a couple of people who she has 'met' through this blog. People who this girl communicates with by email and who have similar experiences to her own. This girl is really pleased that she now has some people in her life who she can support and be supported by through this journey. For now, that feels like enough on top of that of her Master. 
 
20) Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

This girl's submission has increased over the past 4 months, thanks to the guidance of her Master and the support of friends. This girl is learning to accept and embrace her submission in a way she never thought was possible. She accepts that she has lots to learn still and loves that Master has accepted the role of teacher in this area of her life. After He returns home this week, this girl is sure that there will be some discussion about the next steps in her submission and their relationship as a whole. This girl is looking forward to that.

21) Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Any position in which Master asks this girl to display herself to Him makes her feel more submissive. Also stripping off her clothes for Him has the same effect. Indeed, stripping off and spending time naked also helps. This girl has been doing a bit of that this last couple of weeks when at home alone.

Each morning this girl stands in front of her mirrored wardrobe and tells the reflection who she is and who owns her. That ritual helps this girl to feel more submissive too.

End of a difficult week - what this girl has learnt

This girl's emotions have been all over the place this week. It is still hard to imagine how it is that this girl can feel almost euphoric one moment and then anxious, afraid and tearful the next. What this girl has learnt this week though is that rather than always covering up her feelings and just trying to cope, there is usually someone in life who will help you through. Or of course share the good things in life.

The contact with Master has helped, even when we have discussed difficult issues. He is an amazing source of sensible strength to this girl. Plus His wry and often a little left of centre, sense of humour makes this girl laugh even when she is feeling down.

As this girl has mentioned before, she doesn't always find it easy to make friends. But suddenly this girl is making new friends in new ways. Ones who she doesn't have to hide certain areas of her life from. This girl is discovering a network of people who can support each other and share times, both good and bad.

Being there for family is easier when you are being supported by others, whether they are friends, family or Master. This girl's dad has deteriorated a little more, and yesterday was spent in a hospital trying to get his pain management sorted out (thankfully with success). While this girl was tired when she got home, she felt that something good will come of the day. In the past, given that hubby and son were home, she would have passed up the chance of an hour with Master. But having realised what is important to this girl's well being and to His, she didn't do that. As the relationship with hubby moves to yet a different phase - one where he has to recognise this girl has other important people in her life who are not part of his - that was an important step.

So the weekend approaches. This time this girl will mix getting things done with having some fun with friends and also with family. Tonight a chance to see a nephew and niece that this girl doesn't see often enough.

Then after the weekend, Master will be on His way home. For the first time she can be His slave in person.

This girl kind of can't wait for that, but knows she must be patient.

Vulnerability and emotions

I have rarely been the kind of person to show my vulnerable side, to let people see that I hurt. Indeed in recent years, even when falling apart inside, I rarely cried. People were more likely to see me display other emotions such as irritation or anger. Often people may have wrongly labelled me and definitely people have found me a little unapproachable, scary even.

Over the course of many years, I have built barriers around me. Scared that by showing my vulnerabilities people would see me as weak and unable to cope with the normal problems life throws at you.

Slowly though, with the help of friends and of my Master, those barriers, walls even are coming down. For someone not necessarily used to the feelings that accompany this, I am finding that I am more fearful than perhaps I was. Fearful of allowing my more vulnerable side to show when I don't really want or need that to happen. In the past I rarely cried, I hardly ever felt close to tears, now it almost feels that they are just waiting there all of the time.

Yesterday morning, after an almost sleepless night - the knowledge hubby was about to reappear after several days away, too much thinking on my part, a feeling that my productive weekend hadn't quite been fun enough, while Master was off enjoying His - I got into the shower. Suddenly and without warning I started to cry. While the water washed off of my body, tears ran down my face. For a few seconds, I felt stupid. What did I have to cry about? But then, I just let it happen, let my anxieties and fears fall away. After drying myself, I stood in front of the mirror naked and re-marked myself. I told my reflection out loud that this girl, this slut, belongs to her Master (this is a new rule), and tried to get those negative thoughts from my head. Suddenly I felt stronger. More able to face the day. There is definitely something about reaffirming to myself that I am owned by Him that helps me. Added to this the text I received from Him reaffirming that I am not completely alone helped me feel ready to face the day. A coffee which I grabbed on the way into work helped wake up my brain and face a day in the office.

Last evening after work, I got my time with Master. We discussed how I have been feeling and again the tears felt close, but didn't emerge. Just seeing him and feeling His support and understanding of my needs made me feel stronger. It wasn't that I didn't feel I shouldn't cry if I needed to, it was that suddenly I didn't need to.

I am vulnerable right now, and I acknowledge that. But with the support of my friends and my Master I will emerge stronger and more able to deal with what life throws at me, perhaps without seeming unapproachable or in the least scary!

Blog Tour

i so love the idea of a blog tour,  a chance to show people around here and then to point them in the direction of more blogs - those that have nominated and others that i love to read.

Personally i like to think of us in the dream machine (though it actually seems to be called the mystery machine), with shaggy and scooby-doo and that blond guy, but that's another story. Personally i am more velma than the good looking slim one, but then no doubt velma is the interesting one!

i was invited on this tour by my good friend destiny, her blog Reclaiming "destiny" is just a few weeks old, but already she has shown she has some profound things to say about her thoughts and feelings about her Master and her position as slave to Him. Secondly i was nominated by BetsyT, her blog My life as a sexually submissive woman speaks to me in a many ways.

I recommend both blogs to anyone who doesn't already visit regularly and read their regular posts.

What is behind this Blog Tour?
It's pretty simple. Answer the 4 questions about yourself and post the answers on your blog page and then invite a few other bloggers that you admire to join in on the fun and include links to their blogs on their page.

What am i working on at the moment?
It is only a week ago that i accepted my Master's offer to become his slave. He is currently away so there is lots to be worked on here. Once He gets back in a week or so, i am sure that i will be given much to consider. But already i am thinking about how i give myself to Him completely and allow Him to take complete control of me. 

What is more, this is a polyamorous relationship, so there is much to be worked on there. This will be ongoing for some time to come.

Why do i write what i do?

First and foremost i write for myself. To better understand myself and how i feel about situations. This is my submissive journey and a way to document my progress. I am going through some significant life changes, so again i write to allow reflection on that process. More recently i write to allow my thoughts to come to Master's attention so that He and i can consider and discuss them in a safe place. Finally I do occasionally write so that others can find out something about me. Such as this tour. 

How does the process work?

Usually i consider themes or titles during the course of the day, whether when at work, commuting or lying in bed. Then i often begin to construct sections in my head, though that often changes. Sometimes though I have something burning inside me, I sit down and just write.

Usually i write what comes to mind, then spend some time editing and publish. Then i go back and re-edit any typos etc.

Only once have i sent my post to another - this weekend, i consulted with Master about yesterday's post but only so i could be sure i had the right balance. This is a place where what i write are my own thoughts and nothing written here can ever be a source of punishment. Occasionally I start a post and finish later, but more often than not i write quickly since as mentioned the words are already there to flow.

3 bloggers to invite along that i admire, read and identify personally with:

My lovely friend "pig" (as lovingly described by her Master) from Thoughts from His Slut

abby from Finally finding me

little from willing slut