I have a category on my tag cloud for random thoughts and this will fall into that arena. It is not long after 5.30am and how else can you approach writing something at this time?
There seems to have been a sea change in my attitude to hubby. I am at long long last holding my line and not taking all of the self pity that usually lands up with me feeling guilty. He is sad and miserable, he is lonely. But he is 55 years old, he has to take control of his life.
He was out last night and has just left after the usual procedure - drive from where he was, change for work, pick up sandwiches, spend half an hour lying in / on the marital bed and then leave. Yesterday I managed to ignore him sufficiently that I woke up when my alarm went off. This morning, no. As is usual during the week at the moment I am now going to struggle to activate my brain by 9am.
This week I have a family night out. My family. We are doing something special that my dad whose cancer is now palliative (you might say terminal) wants to do. It is a bucket list thing. Hubby is not invited. In my own opinion, I am handling this better than usual. I am not changing the booking and I am not going to endure what would be an uncomfortable evening for the sake of him. It is my dad's night out and in his view hubby has not been a very good husband / son in law lately. He knows that I have been a bad girl (not how bad obviously) but still I am his daughter. Hubby and I have discussed the issue this morning and he knows the position that has been taken.
The truth is blatant to me though. It doesn't matter to me any more what hubby wants. If I don't want it, or someone special doesn't want it, then that is the end of the matter.
My life is rapidly moving on after a long time of allowing it to tread water. I told myself weeks ago that I would move things along once my job was permanent. Funny how that coincided with meeting Graeme.
Speaking of Graeme, he comes here to read what I say regularly. We have discussed quite a lot of my previous posts and general ramblings. We will no doubt discuss this later. The question in my mind right now and something to discuss is whether I tell hubby sooner rather than later that I am seeing someone. I thought before no, after all it is kind of early days. But is it? We have seen a lot of each other all ready, spent many hours together in person and talking on yahoo. I don't think he and I are going our separate ways any day soon.
So this morning, slightly less cheery. But the soft glow of the weekend still surrounds me. The promise of more to come keeps me going. Finally I feel in control of the part of my life that needs me to control it and I am learning to give up the part that I want to give to another.
This is early, this is random but maybe my brain is geared up more than I thought.
Time for coffee....
Showing posts with label sex outside of marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex outside of marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
Permission
It is a long time since i have needed to seek permission to orgasm outside of the bed room. Indeed for long periods of part 2 of the time with S i didn't always ask when we were in the throws of passion - it depended on the context of the scene at the time.
While new D doesn't own me in the full sense of the word, Saturday afternoon was clearly important in terms of the balance of power. i have gladly handed over ownership of my body and definitely my orgasms.
We were able to chat online last evening. We had something of a short scene in chat and also chatted on yahoo. All the time, hubby was in the room, dozing on the sofa. I haven't been this bad in a long long time and have to admit a little bit of guilt. However that is by the by since this is not about my relationship (or lack of it with hubby) but about my emerging relationship with new D.
When i am getting regular sex, i don't need to orgasm much on my own. But it has been a few days now and anyway chatting about sex and what you might like to do to each other is quite a turn on. So i sought permission and was granted it.
i have a new little vibrator, recently purchased at a high street lingerie and toy shop. This morning after hubby left for work i gave it a road test. This is how it looks, boy is it a powerful little thing! The best thing tough was being able to imagine being with new D and having him give me pleasure as well as knowing that even though he wasn't there this was his gift to me. Of course once the waves of pleasure had subsided and was lying still i thanked him for that gift. That also felt good, as i know i will also feel pleasure when i hope he tells me i am a good girl.
........................................
There are complications to all of this. He does as i think i mentioned at the beginning have a long term and long distance Master / slave relationship. There has been agreement that while they apart they can both have another relationship. He has already handed day to day care to another Dom, though remains her owner. He seeks something closer to home for the time being.
There are several things for me to get my head around here. First is my understanding of their relationship which is very real and also M/s. Since my experience is around scenes and playing with your partner, this is something very different. Next there is the way in which the two of them are dealing with Him having me on the scene. Then there is my relationship with Him.
In a way, knowing that this is probably two people seeking something from each other in a time limited way is a good thing for me. I am in danger of falling for someone before i am really ready emotionally. But as we all know it isn't quite so easy to control emotions, especially during the deeper more intense moments of D/s, such as we experienced on Saturday.
But for now, i retain my level head and am happy to proceed with just a little caution. Plus i am willing to hand over an important part of myself - access to my body and control of my orgasms.
Saturday, 14 December 2013
Looking backwards....looking forwards
Its that time of year, a time to think about what has happened over the past 11 and a half months and wondering what is in store.
Often I think I am here, treading water. I feel that no progress is being made. But then again when I look back and see what has happened this year, when I look at how things are right now, maybe I am not quite as stationary as I think.
The relationship with hubby is progressing slowly, surely in the direction of the exit. We both know this, even if at times (usually different times) we try to pretend otherwise. The truth is that 30 years is a long time to be married. Our whole lives have been bound up for so long, it is difficult to quite see the future without each other. He, is at last showing signs that he is beginning to come to terms with things. He seems happier in himself (or maybe more resigned to reality), this may have been helped by the lady on the photos that have accidentally been transferred from his iPhone to my iPad (oh dear, he can be careless too). I prefer to think of him being a little happier than he was earlier in the year, when he said he felt he belonged no where. He still maintains he is visiting male friends every weekend and out with the same friends nearly every night. No one can go out that much without collapsing (especially at his age). At some time soon, we will have to say what needs saying and maybe he might tell me what he is up to. Mean time, we dance around each other a bit.
Today I have a family party, my whole family getting together for my dad's birthday. Dad isn't too well and he is of the opinion that he wants to celebrate each birthday in case it is his last. My brothers and their partners will be there, along with some of my nephews and nieces. My son will be there too. Hubby won't. This feels like a landmark since in the past we have always turned up to each others family occasions. Hubby says he will only do the things he wants to do now and he doesn't want to do this. I have booked hotel rooms for my son and myself so I can have a couple of glasses of wine and not have to drive home.
The man formerly known as Sir is still around. The decision we made back in the summer, to be friends and to get together when we both want to, seems to be working. We really are very good friends and continue to help each other through our relationship issues with ex / soon to be ex partners. There is no D/s when we are not together. He is not my master while I go about my life, he is not even my master when we are together and doing ordinary things together. However when it comes to deciding when, where and how we have sex, he is definitely in charge and he is my master. This sounds like we are playing at something, but I don't think we are. It is how this relationship has developed and how it is. If he decides I will get on my knees and suck his cock, then I am going to do it. If he decides I should wear stockings, no underwear, or whatever when we are together, then that is how I am dressed.
For me it is about being able to let go of everything. To leave the decision making to him. To trust that he knows what he wants and what is best for me and to make sure we both get the best of the situation. Sometimes our sex is a kind of kinky vanilla and sometimes there are clamps, spanking, restraint, perhaps the riding crop makes an appearance. I never know how it will play out and I like it like that. There is always an expectation that I will worship his cock and that is something I love to do. He loves to remind me that he is the only one I have had anal sex with, that his is the only cock I love to suck. He loves to tell me how well he has trained me, and he loves me to tell him that he is the one who has turned me into the slut I now am.
Distance means we can't spend as much time together as I (and I think he) would like, but I am happy for this relationship to last in the way it is for as long as it is right for both of us.
I kind of know what the future holds, but for now I am not looking too far ahead. Living the moment, and the moment isn't really too bad.
Often I think I am here, treading water. I feel that no progress is being made. But then again when I look back and see what has happened this year, when I look at how things are right now, maybe I am not quite as stationary as I think.
The relationship with hubby is progressing slowly, surely in the direction of the exit. We both know this, even if at times (usually different times) we try to pretend otherwise. The truth is that 30 years is a long time to be married. Our whole lives have been bound up for so long, it is difficult to quite see the future without each other. He, is at last showing signs that he is beginning to come to terms with things. He seems happier in himself (or maybe more resigned to reality), this may have been helped by the lady on the photos that have accidentally been transferred from his iPhone to my iPad (oh dear, he can be careless too). I prefer to think of him being a little happier than he was earlier in the year, when he said he felt he belonged no where. He still maintains he is visiting male friends every weekend and out with the same friends nearly every night. No one can go out that much without collapsing (especially at his age). At some time soon, we will have to say what needs saying and maybe he might tell me what he is up to. Mean time, we dance around each other a bit.
Today I have a family party, my whole family getting together for my dad's birthday. Dad isn't too well and he is of the opinion that he wants to celebrate each birthday in case it is his last. My brothers and their partners will be there, along with some of my nephews and nieces. My son will be there too. Hubby won't. This feels like a landmark since in the past we have always turned up to each others family occasions. Hubby says he will only do the things he wants to do now and he doesn't want to do this. I have booked hotel rooms for my son and myself so I can have a couple of glasses of wine and not have to drive home.
The man formerly known as Sir is still around. The decision we made back in the summer, to be friends and to get together when we both want to, seems to be working. We really are very good friends and continue to help each other through our relationship issues with ex / soon to be ex partners. There is no D/s when we are not together. He is not my master while I go about my life, he is not even my master when we are together and doing ordinary things together. However when it comes to deciding when, where and how we have sex, he is definitely in charge and he is my master. This sounds like we are playing at something, but I don't think we are. It is how this relationship has developed and how it is. If he decides I will get on my knees and suck his cock, then I am going to do it. If he decides I should wear stockings, no underwear, or whatever when we are together, then that is how I am dressed.
For me it is about being able to let go of everything. To leave the decision making to him. To trust that he knows what he wants and what is best for me and to make sure we both get the best of the situation. Sometimes our sex is a kind of kinky vanilla and sometimes there are clamps, spanking, restraint, perhaps the riding crop makes an appearance. I never know how it will play out and I like it like that. There is always an expectation that I will worship his cock and that is something I love to do. He loves to remind me that he is the only one I have had anal sex with, that his is the only cock I love to suck. He loves to tell me how well he has trained me, and he loves me to tell him that he is the one who has turned me into the slut I now am.
Distance means we can't spend as much time together as I (and I think he) would like, but I am happy for this relationship to last in the way it is for as long as it is right for both of us.
I kind of know what the future holds, but for now I am not looking too far ahead. Living the moment, and the moment isn't really too bad.
Saturday, 21 September 2013
Truth and lies
I am not by nature someone who tells lies, though as a not very popular child at school I told some quite big ones to try to get people to like me, but that is another story entirely. As an adult, I have usually tried be true to myself and true to others. I don't lie.
Over the last 18 months or so though, I have told many many lies.
I have lied to hubby, something well documented here and I have lied to others. Usually about where I have been and who with.
Around last November, also well documented here, I began to tell the truth. To hubby firstly and most painfully. Then to members of my family, to friends and to my son. Well I say I told the truth, because to each one I have told a version of the truth, one that I have decided best suits who they are and what they need to know.
Now, once again I am telling lies. In July when S and I parted I told hubby what had happened. The months and months of verbal abuse I endured from him, stopped. So when a month later, S and I got together again, I lied by omission. For some weeks this has not been a problem, since hubby has not been here. Until Tuesday night, we had not spent one evening or night under the same roof since the end of July. On Tuesday he came home, and he stayed home for 3 nights. He might have come home on Monday, but I was not here.
I told him I was going to a conference on Tuesday and to make things easy, travel wise, I was going to a hotel on Monday night. I did go to a hotel, but there was not conference. On Tuesday I was at work as usual. On Monday evening hubby was busy searching my wardrobe to see what was missing. He discovered that some shoes I didn't know he had ever seen, were gone. Therefore he accused me of lying. Accused me of being with someone. Of being with S.
I have maintained my story and told him that I threw the shoes out. He and I know this is a lie. But I refuse to back down.
I don't like to lie to him. But actually I don't feel that we have the kind of relationship any more where he deserves the truth.
I don't love this man as a wife loves her husband. He is no longer my lover and right now he is not really a friend either.
We are heading now towards the inevitable. I have suggested counselling, but he quite rightly says this will not make me love him when I say I don't.
I pursue my own happiness, but know that in the process I am causing distress and sadness.
I long to tell the truth and be happy about it. I hope soon it becomes a reality and there are no more lies.
Over the last 18 months or so though, I have told many many lies.
I have lied to hubby, something well documented here and I have lied to others. Usually about where I have been and who with.
Around last November, also well documented here, I began to tell the truth. To hubby firstly and most painfully. Then to members of my family, to friends and to my son. Well I say I told the truth, because to each one I have told a version of the truth, one that I have decided best suits who they are and what they need to know.
Now, once again I am telling lies. In July when S and I parted I told hubby what had happened. The months and months of verbal abuse I endured from him, stopped. So when a month later, S and I got together again, I lied by omission. For some weeks this has not been a problem, since hubby has not been here. Until Tuesday night, we had not spent one evening or night under the same roof since the end of July. On Tuesday he came home, and he stayed home for 3 nights. He might have come home on Monday, but I was not here.
I told him I was going to a conference on Tuesday and to make things easy, travel wise, I was going to a hotel on Monday night. I did go to a hotel, but there was not conference. On Tuesday I was at work as usual. On Monday evening hubby was busy searching my wardrobe to see what was missing. He discovered that some shoes I didn't know he had ever seen, were gone. Therefore he accused me of lying. Accused me of being with someone. Of being with S.
I have maintained my story and told him that I threw the shoes out. He and I know this is a lie. But I refuse to back down.
I don't like to lie to him. But actually I don't feel that we have the kind of relationship any more where he deserves the truth.
I don't love this man as a wife loves her husband. He is no longer my lover and right now he is not really a friend either.
We are heading now towards the inevitable. I have suggested counselling, but he quite rightly says this will not make me love him when I say I don't.
I pursue my own happiness, but know that in the process I am causing distress and sadness.
I long to tell the truth and be happy about it. I hope soon it becomes a reality and there are no more lies.
Saturday, 27 July 2013
200 not out
This is my 200th post on World of Joolz.
It is amazing to think that when I started this blog I was essentially living something of a dream. Something new and amazing had happened in my life, something I had kind of wanted to happen, but had been too frightened in the past to actually do. I was on a voyage of discovery, about who I was, about the person I can be.
In April last year, when I wrote my first post, everything was new - the relationship, the whole idea of having sex with someone who wasn't my husband and indeed the type of relationship it was emerging into. S and I had spent lots of time online and on the phone chatting, but we had only met the once. We had spent that first evening and night together but nothing else. I was yet to experience the thrill of humiliation, to discover how pain and pleasure are so closely linked. I was yet to discover so much about him and the kind of relationship we could and would have together. Indeed I had never tasted his cooking or experienced his amazing picnics. I didn't realise how beautiful the area in which he lives is. There was so much to discover and discover I did.
A couple of days after our relationship ended I started my year two page. I had been waiting for the right moment, the right inspiration, and now in a way I hadn't anticipated I now had it. Re-reading it last night, I was surprised that I was able to write so clearly when my heart felt just that little bit smashed to pieces.
Two weeks later and I can look back on events with a sense of pride and satisfaction and hopefully soon I will be ready to move on. Meantime, as I pass this land mark (and that's how it feels), I am wondering how this blog will look in another 200 posts? What further progress will I make, what will I be writing about, after all for now there is no sex in my life, let alone BDSM or any of its constituent parts.
I have plenty to be going on with mind. S and i are still friends, now able to chat freely with each other without me feeling I want to cry. I have a new job, secured this week and which I will be starting in the next week or so (more hours, more money than the work I have recently been doing). I have my apartment in France, which I will own this week and which I will be visiting with my son next weekend. I have my weight loss to concentrate on (10.5lb so far), and I have my friends.
The key part of my life that is different from April 2012 when I started this blog, is that I have discovered so many friends. I have developed friendships with people I already knew but wasn't all that close to. I have met new people through this blog and through fetlife, friends that I am now quite close to. Plus there are the people I have never met, but whom I have communicated through this and their own blogs and who I think if I met I would be friends with.
Here's to World of Joolz, onwards into the future. I am here and I am here to stay!
It is amazing to think that when I started this blog I was essentially living something of a dream. Something new and amazing had happened in my life, something I had kind of wanted to happen, but had been too frightened in the past to actually do. I was on a voyage of discovery, about who I was, about the person I can be.
In April last year, when I wrote my first post, everything was new - the relationship, the whole idea of having sex with someone who wasn't my husband and indeed the type of relationship it was emerging into. S and I had spent lots of time online and on the phone chatting, but we had only met the once. We had spent that first evening and night together but nothing else. I was yet to experience the thrill of humiliation, to discover how pain and pleasure are so closely linked. I was yet to discover so much about him and the kind of relationship we could and would have together. Indeed I had never tasted his cooking or experienced his amazing picnics. I didn't realise how beautiful the area in which he lives is. There was so much to discover and discover I did.
A couple of days after our relationship ended I started my year two page. I had been waiting for the right moment, the right inspiration, and now in a way I hadn't anticipated I now had it. Re-reading it last night, I was surprised that I was able to write so clearly when my heart felt just that little bit smashed to pieces.
Two weeks later and I can look back on events with a sense of pride and satisfaction and hopefully soon I will be ready to move on. Meantime, as I pass this land mark (and that's how it feels), I am wondering how this blog will look in another 200 posts? What further progress will I make, what will I be writing about, after all for now there is no sex in my life, let alone BDSM or any of its constituent parts.
I have plenty to be going on with mind. S and i are still friends, now able to chat freely with each other without me feeling I want to cry. I have a new job, secured this week and which I will be starting in the next week or so (more hours, more money than the work I have recently been doing). I have my apartment in France, which I will own this week and which I will be visiting with my son next weekend. I have my weight loss to concentrate on (10.5lb so far), and I have my friends.
The key part of my life that is different from April 2012 when I started this blog, is that I have discovered so many friends. I have developed friendships with people I already knew but wasn't all that close to. I have met new people through this blog and through fetlife, friends that I am now quite close to. Plus there are the people I have never met, but whom I have communicated through this and their own blogs and who I think if I met I would be friends with.
Here's to World of Joolz, onwards into the future. I am here and I am here to stay!
Saturday, 20 July 2013
Reflections on the last week
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On this occasion, I was cuffed, clamped and tied to a tree while he pushed his cock inside me. Once we found an optimum position for me to get into he slid in easily and then when he stroked my clit at the same time, I came quickly and with some force.
Afterwards we sat and ate strawberries, we chatted and all seemed well. Then we set off for home.
On the way back, I was thinking about how wonderful our relationship seemed to be, how good the sex was and how easy we were with each other.
It was only a couple of hours later that my bubble was burst.
This has been a long week in many of ways. S and I were chatting online last night and he remarked just that. I guess he has had cause for reflection too.
I have had lots of opportunity to think and to talk about events with various friends this week. I have also chatted to S a few times. The problems with S pale into insignificance in a way when it comes to the issues I now have in my marriage. It is great to know that I have the support I need around me to manage all of that.
The graduation was lovely. A beautiful day, a very smart, handsome son in his graduation robes amongst his peers. I have rarely felt so proud. But there were slightly less happy parts to the day. Hubby, who had agreed to attend and who had promised not to let us down, was less than excellently behaved. I had to tell him at one point that he has to learn to control the comments that come out of his mouth, especially in front of our son. Plus a scary and now funny half an hour - The graduate forgot his brand new suit trousers, and there was a frantic trip into the nearest town to buy another identical pair. Most of the unpleasantness by hubby was during that time. But we got the trousers, he got changed, he collected his robes and we got into the auditorium by the allotted time.
Later we were joined in a local pub by my parents and had a pleasant meal.
It feels now that a phase of my life has passed. My son is now ready for the world and so, I think am I. No matter what unpleasantness occurs in the next few weeks (and it will), I can see where I am heading.
I don't regret my time with S, but I do regret that it has ended before I felt ready. But I will recover and I will move on, it helps to know he is still my friend and that we are still there to help each other through the tough times ahead.
Thursday, 23 May 2013
Thoughts and feelings - More Questions than answers
It would be true to say that I feel really mixed up right now. On the one hand, I have spent two nights and a lovely whole day with my Sir and had the best time. Just spending time together, chatting about random things, visiting places together has become a way of unwinding. The sex is a good as ever, sometimes kinky and sometimes less so; we like the variety. On the other hand, though, I am questioning my actions and the implications of them. I am also analysing the feelings I have for hubby and those for Sir.
I know that I really am at the crossroads to the rest of my life now. What is more, hubby is at his own crossroads.
I have been married to him for a long time, 29 years next month. It now feels unlikely we will reach 30. The problem (other than the obvious), is that while I care for this man very much, love him even, I don't find him sexually attractive. For months now, we have danced around this. Hubby is intensely jealous of the relationship I have with Sir (stating the obvious again), because I am willing to do things with Sir that I would never consider with hubby. He is of the belief that it is all about size, and while maybe (as they say) size matters, it most definitely isn't even a small amount of the issue.
I am not aroused by the things hubby does to me, I don't know when that stopped but it has. Whereas I am very aroused by the things I do with Sir, whether that is kissing, being touched or more recently sucking him. I was never a fan of doing that with hubby, and it was one of the things I was more nervous of doing for Sir. But now, it is something I love doing for Him.
Hubby never really learnt to touch me in a way I found arousing and for some reason I struggled to show him. With Sir, he explored, I expressed my pleasure and before I knew where I was I was asking to orgasm. Hubby complains that I have not ever told him what I want and what I like. Truth is, I didn't even know what I wanted or liked until the past few months. Quite a confession for a woman of 50.
How then, can we continue a relationship where the attraction is not felt on both sides?
Last night hubby spoke a couple of times about us getting a new spare bed, and him sleeping there when he is home. Unless we sell our house, he can't afford to move out and we aren't yet ready to do this, for lots of reasons. It is hard to face the reality of the impending end of a relationship, particularly one that has gone on for so long.
In hindsight, I should have ended the marriage before I embarked on something new. But hindsight is all well and good. Soon I will have to tell people the reality of what I have done and that will be difficult.
Hubby wonders why I am not seeking to spend much more time with Sir. Perhaps in the future I might, though in truth I am confused about what we have together too. I don't really know where this relationship is going, and actually whether it matters. I don't know how he feels about me, but again does it matter, since he is there for me when I need him and vice versa.
For a woman of mature years I seem to know very little for sure. What seems clear though, is that there are more questions than answers right now.
I know that I really am at the crossroads to the rest of my life now. What is more, hubby is at his own crossroads.
I have been married to him for a long time, 29 years next month. It now feels unlikely we will reach 30. The problem (other than the obvious), is that while I care for this man very much, love him even, I don't find him sexually attractive. For months now, we have danced around this. Hubby is intensely jealous of the relationship I have with Sir (stating the obvious again), because I am willing to do things with Sir that I would never consider with hubby. He is of the belief that it is all about size, and while maybe (as they say) size matters, it most definitely isn't even a small amount of the issue.
I am not aroused by the things hubby does to me, I don't know when that stopped but it has. Whereas I am very aroused by the things I do with Sir, whether that is kissing, being touched or more recently sucking him. I was never a fan of doing that with hubby, and it was one of the things I was more nervous of doing for Sir. But now, it is something I love doing for Him.
Hubby never really learnt to touch me in a way I found arousing and for some reason I struggled to show him. With Sir, he explored, I expressed my pleasure and before I knew where I was I was asking to orgasm. Hubby complains that I have not ever told him what I want and what I like. Truth is, I didn't even know what I wanted or liked until the past few months. Quite a confession for a woman of 50.
How then, can we continue a relationship where the attraction is not felt on both sides?
Last night hubby spoke a couple of times about us getting a new spare bed, and him sleeping there when he is home. Unless we sell our house, he can't afford to move out and we aren't yet ready to do this, for lots of reasons. It is hard to face the reality of the impending end of a relationship, particularly one that has gone on for so long.
In hindsight, I should have ended the marriage before I embarked on something new. But hindsight is all well and good. Soon I will have to tell people the reality of what I have done and that will be difficult.
Hubby wonders why I am not seeking to spend much more time with Sir. Perhaps in the future I might, though in truth I am confused about what we have together too. I don't really know where this relationship is going, and actually whether it matters. I don't know how he feels about me, but again does it matter, since he is there for me when I need him and vice versa.
For a woman of mature years I seem to know very little for sure. What seems clear though, is that there are more questions than answers right now.
Saturday, 11 May 2013
Quite conventional
That's what He described the part of the afternoon we spent in bed as. In terms of kink, D/s, BDSM: yes that is what it was. In terms of the usual life of me as a woman in 2013 aged 50. It was anything but my usual day.
He is the first man with whom penetrative sex results in orgasm for me. He fills me and if we manage to get into the right position, which isn't all that unusual these days, I can orgasm without any external stimulation.
Until a couple of months ago I barely thought that was possible. But as we get to know each other, as we explore more of each other, it becomes not just possible but likely. This week I asked for an orgasm and received many. Many and multiple.
Firstly as we rode against each other, His cock deep in me. Then as he pinched my nipples ( I can still feel the effects of the clamps and his fingers on them), next as he stroked and rubbed my clit and finally the orgasms just came. Lots of them.
Before all of this we had eaten lunch, a lovely picnic type affair of ham, cheese, quiche, bread and salad. Then we had sat in the garden, a lovely sun trap, soaking up the sun, until it disappeared and we had retreated up to the bedroom....
This was just one day out of both of our lives, but it was amazingly special. It was about D/s and kink but it was also about being together. I sacrificed a lot to be there since hubby's attitude is hardening in the confusion he has about his feelings. I continue to follow my heart and my needs, but I won't deny that I am torn. Between the safe world I know and trust and the one my heart cries out for.
That's convention for you!
Friday, 5 April 2013
What I wanted?
Since discovering my blog, hubby has undergone a further change in attitude towards me. i have to admit that in coming clean and telling him about Sir and i back in November, i gave little thought to anything other than letting go of the secrets i held. Since then, it seems to him that every month or so there has been a new revelation. First he discovered an affair, then a D/s relationship and now he has read a small element of that relationship displayed on a blog. As far as he is concerned, he remembers everything i have told him since November, everything i have done and he remembers everything he read on my blog last week. When i challenge any of this, he tells me that this is what i wanted, and therefore this is what i have got.
The truth of the matter from my point of view is that i have hurt him so much more than i ever felt possible. He is now a very confused man who is in great pain for much of the time. He deals with this by physically avoiding me for most of the time, but keeps his element of control through regular texts. These give me instructions about the things he wants me to do (tasks about ordinary life and sexually explicit things he wants me to do to be ready for him). i find myself doing many of the vanilla things without question, but then challenging myself, since this attitude towards me is one of the reasons i find myself where i am now. As to the sexual requests, well on one hand i want to fulfill them. i want to have sex with him, but at the same time there tends to be a large amount of emotional blackmail attached. Also i wonder exactly what it is he wants from me and indeed what exactly i want from him.
He is now obsessed with my relationship with Sir. He is obsessed with the things we do together and deeply hurt that those things happen with Sir and not him. At the same time he feels he has nothing to offer me, he feels there is nothing he can give me that is as good as i get from Sir. for him this is about sex and nothing else.
The state of our relationship is now forgotten by him. He fails to see that the relationship as a whole needs to be in tact for a good lovelife to occur and that good sex contributes to a stable, loving relationship. He says he loves me and wants to fuck me. But when he sees me, he spends his time telling me that he is not good enough for me and then expects us to go to bed together. He thinks that us seeing each other just a couple of times a week is like a date. But then when we have spent that time together failing to agree on anything it feels like the date from hell for us both.
He is planning a trip away to a warm and sunny place for a week with friends. i know this will do him good, and hope he will come back rested. i just don't know if it will help in any way.
After 20 years i still remember the pain hubby caused me when he cheated on me. Yet i have done something very similar to him. Is this what i wanted?
Of course not. i just wanted to find happiness. On one hand i have found this, but on the other i have caused great pain and sadness and for that i am really sorry.
Trouble is, would i change what i have with Sir?
That really is the million dollar question!
Saturday, 30 March 2013
Thoughts and feelings
It seems that my life has become one of twists and turns. I feel like I have set out on a journey without actually knowing the destination. It is like one day, I got up and thought: "do you know what? I have some spare time, so I am going off on a trip and will just see where I end up". For the most part it has been fun, it has certainly been full of discovery and of adventure. But just recently I keep coming to some very hazardous places. Sometimes the road appears to have subsided and I am in danger of disappearing into a deep deep hole. At other times I find I am at a dead end. What is more, even though I thought I had journeyed for miles and miles, I find that actually I am still in sight of the start point and still don't know where my destination is!
It is a year on Monday since I had my first online conversation with my Sir. We clicked almost immediately and I knew I had met someone who I wanted to get to know. We chatted over the next few days online and on the phone and within a couple of weeks we had met in person. When I ask myself if it has been worth it and if I would do this again, I am clear that I would.
Meeting Sir has changed my life for ever. Without him I would never have explored this new world, I probably wouldn't have discovered how fulfilling sex can be or some of the things I now find I love (and sometimes love to hate). Without him I wouldn't have explored a side to myself that I didn't even know I was keeping hidden. Without him I wouldn't have realised that dominance doesn't mean being treated as some kind of door mat. I wouldn't have discovered that submission can be fulfilling and can release you from the pressures of real life.
Actually a year ago, I didn't really know that I was submissive. I can be quite a scary person to people who don't know me well. But actually this year has been one of massive self discovery. When I started this journey, I thought that the submissive things was just about submitting in the bedroom. I thought BDSM was about pain, restraint, humiliation etc etc. We to a certain extent I was right, but I have discovered they are about so, so much more.
I have made new friends, online and in real life. I have begun to learn to express myself - on here and in life too. I find that I can write about my thoughts and feelings but also I can talk to my Sir about myself and my needs in a way I didn't know possible.
I don't know why it is that I am so inhibited with my husband of 30 years. He is demanding an explanation. But I can't explain something I don't understand. I never intended to hurt him, but I suppose if I had thought about it before I set off a year ago, I would have realised that it was inevitable that I would.
I love to come here and to write about the great things Sir and I do together and I also find it therapeutic to write about the more difficult aspects of life. For that reason I won't give up this blog.
Part of me thinks that I should make it for invited people only, like some kind of exclusive club. I write mainly for myself anyway so perhaps it doesn't matter if it is open or closed. But I know from experience that it gets complicated to have to people only arriving by invite. I am going to try opening it up when I know that hubby is unlikely to look and keeping it closed the rest of the time. I will see how things go.
I am almost at the stage when I wonder if it matters what he reads about me. In a way, it might help him. Well it would if he read the bits where I describe my feelings rather than the sexy parts. But that is rather too much to hope for since he thinks all of this is about sex!
It is a year on Monday since I had my first online conversation with my Sir. We clicked almost immediately and I knew I had met someone who I wanted to get to know. We chatted over the next few days online and on the phone and within a couple of weeks we had met in person. When I ask myself if it has been worth it and if I would do this again, I am clear that I would.
Meeting Sir has changed my life for ever. Without him I would never have explored this new world, I probably wouldn't have discovered how fulfilling sex can be or some of the things I now find I love (and sometimes love to hate). Without him I wouldn't have explored a side to myself that I didn't even know I was keeping hidden. Without him I wouldn't have realised that dominance doesn't mean being treated as some kind of door mat. I wouldn't have discovered that submission can be fulfilling and can release you from the pressures of real life.
Actually a year ago, I didn't really know that I was submissive. I can be quite a scary person to people who don't know me well. But actually this year has been one of massive self discovery. When I started this journey, I thought that the submissive things was just about submitting in the bedroom. I thought BDSM was about pain, restraint, humiliation etc etc. We to a certain extent I was right, but I have discovered they are about so, so much more.
I have made new friends, online and in real life. I have begun to learn to express myself - on here and in life too. I find that I can write about my thoughts and feelings but also I can talk to my Sir about myself and my needs in a way I didn't know possible.
I don't know why it is that I am so inhibited with my husband of 30 years. He is demanding an explanation. But I can't explain something I don't understand. I never intended to hurt him, but I suppose if I had thought about it before I set off a year ago, I would have realised that it was inevitable that I would.
I love to come here and to write about the great things Sir and I do together and I also find it therapeutic to write about the more difficult aspects of life. For that reason I won't give up this blog.
Part of me thinks that I should make it for invited people only, like some kind of exclusive club. I write mainly for myself anyway so perhaps it doesn't matter if it is open or closed. But I know from experience that it gets complicated to have to people only arriving by invite. I am going to try opening it up when I know that hubby is unlikely to look and keeping it closed the rest of the time. I will see how things go.
I am almost at the stage when I wonder if it matters what he reads about me. In a way, it might help him. Well it would if he read the bits where I describe my feelings rather than the sexy parts. But that is rather too much to hope for since he thinks all of this is about sex!
Saturday, 23 March 2013
Relationships #2
I previously wrote about the relationship that I have with hubby and how I found myself wanting to explore life outside my marriage here. I didn't actually know that I would be interested in BDSM at all, but I know I was curious and had been for years. Occasionally on tv there is a programme which gives a hint of this kind of lifestyle. Sometimes they edge more towards the factual, showing something of the power dynamic, of the kind of sex that might be involved. Or more usually they depict a version of reality, wrapped up in crime fiction and as I now know, are give just a vague acknowledgement to reality. But about a year ago, I began to read. Firstly I looked at websites - those offering information and forums, then at blogs. At the same time I began to chat online, something I have done before. This time though I attracted perhaps a different type of man. And I found it quite a thrill.
I havekind of , actually chatted online quite a bit and have also met a couple of men before. Chatting and then meeting Sir was different though. This is the first time I have met someone with the intention of having sex and what is more, knowing that the sex we had would be perhaps a little different. I knew with Sir that I was starting something very different, that there would be a power dynamic and that He would be pushing my limits. I was nervous but I had my eyes firmly open. I really wanted this.
Ithink know that hubby would like to do some of the things with me that I do with Sir. He would like to spank (he has spanked me a bit actually), and he loves me to dress up. He definitely would like to explore anal, though we never discussed this until he had found my butt plug. The problem though is that I have discovered that I want to be submissive in a relationship and at best hubby is a switch. He struggles to be dominant and definitely couldn't be dominant consistently. I don't want to discuss limits with him, I don't want to let him into this world that I am exploring.
This week he has stated that: 'you are meant to be my wife'. Yes this is true, I am meant to be his wife, and as such I guess he and the rest of society expects me to act differently. Yet when he starts to tell me what I am doing wrong, how I am treating him as the dumb one, the one who sits patiently at home (not that he does). I go into submissive mode, but not in a good way. I begin to feel like I want to run away, or to curl up in a corner. I do not feel empowered and I definitely don't want to tell him my innermost thoughts.
His way of coping with all of this is to ponder on the sexual. To worry that he is not good enough in bed. To want me to dress up for him to give myself to him. But then, to inform me that I am just there to satisfy his desires briefly before he moves on. For a reason that escapes me, I dress up for him, we have sex and then I feel cheap.
So while Sir can make me dress as He wants, can humiliate me in public. He turns me on. I feel empowered somehow and certainly not cheap.
There is no turning back from this.
I know where this is going.
I don't take it lightly.
But I am kind of ready to face reality.
I collected my son for the Easter holidays this afternoon. Usually his dad and I would have done this together, but dad is absent. I told son that things are not going well between me and his dad. He said he picked that up at Christmas, he asked if his dad is having a mid life crisis. I told him, that it is probably me that is having one, but didn't quite come clean. I know that it won't be long before I have to say more. I am prepared to say what I need to.
I have
I
This week he has stated that: 'you are meant to be my wife'. Yes this is true, I am meant to be his wife, and as such I guess he and the rest of society expects me to act differently. Yet when he starts to tell me what I am doing wrong, how I am treating him as the dumb one, the one who sits patiently at home (not that he does). I go into submissive mode, but not in a good way. I begin to feel like I want to run away, or to curl up in a corner. I do not feel empowered and I definitely don't want to tell him my innermost thoughts.
His way of coping with all of this is to ponder on the sexual. To worry that he is not good enough in bed. To want me to dress up for him to give myself to him. But then, to inform me that I am just there to satisfy his desires briefly before he moves on. For a reason that escapes me, I dress up for him, we have sex and then I feel cheap.
So while Sir can make me dress as He wants, can humiliate me in public. He turns me on. I feel empowered somehow and certainly not cheap.
There is no turning back from this.
I know where this is going.
I don't take it lightly.
But I am kind of ready to face reality.
I collected my son for the Easter holidays this afternoon. Usually his dad and I would have done this together, but dad is absent. I told son that things are not going well between me and his dad. He said he picked that up at Christmas, he asked if his dad is having a mid life crisis. I told him, that it is probably me that is having one, but didn't quite come clean. I know that it won't be long before I have to say more. I am prepared to say what I need to.
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Relationships
"Oh what a complicated web we weave, when first we practise to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
Around a year ago, i was feeling particularly bored with my life. i was frustrated that as i approached my 50th birthday that i was in a rut. To those looking from the outside in it looked as if i had everything; a stable marriage of nearly 28 years, a good job, nice house, son doing well at university. All of those things were true, but actually that marriage was built on rocky foundations, perhaps set in quicksand. Few people in my life are aware of the truth behind the relationship between my husband and me. They know that we lived close to each other in our home town. They know that we first dated when i was just 15 and that we married soon after i qualified as a nurse. He was my only serious boyfriend. The only man i had had sex with. We seemed to be just right together, we loved and cared about each other, so people weren't surprised that we married so young (21 and 25).
Within 5 years though we were leading practically separate lives. He claimed he needed to work away from home quite a bit and at the same time i was working shifts, including nights, as a nurse. Our relationship was often volatile, as i tried to get him to be the kind of husband i thought i wanted (one who pulled his weight around the house mainly). Often when we were invited to go out with friends, he either didn't want to go, or wasn't around, looking back he was almost contemptuous of them (though not to their faces), so they drifted away. At some point i discovered he was seeing someone at work and after much consideration on both our parts he told me he had ended the other relationship. i was in love, i wanted our marriage to work, and so i forgave and i trusted. We told no one about what had happened, though i did go and stay with a friend who had recently had a baby and seem to remember hinting that things were not going well. It later transpired that when i was away, hubby had his lady friend to stay in our house, in my bed.
In 1990 i became pregnant with our son. i was oblivious to the fact that my husband was involved in a long term relationship with another woman. i was blind and deaf, wrapped up as i was in the world of myself and my son. Hubby worked away, that was what i and others knew. i remember a neighbour asking me if he still lived with me. i was mortified that they would think that, but looking back he was rarely home. On occasions we would go for Sunday lunch to my parents, meeting a few streets away in separate cars. We would then arrive for the family gathering together and later, leave together and then go our separate ways.
One day when my son was around 3, on a Saturday lunchtime, i was ironing in my dining room while my son played nearby. Hubby was apparently at work. A woman turned up at the door and i invited her in. She told me that she was in a relationship with my husband and that what was more, they were engaged to be married! I was incredulous; how could this be in any way true? He arrived home and shooed her away. i was in shock and for that reason can't exactly remember the rest of that day or the next few. A letter arrived, telling me all that she and my husband did together. It told me of weekends away, holidays, family events even an engagement party. Much of this has been denied since. Hubby maintains that she was obsessed with him and that he was too weak to say no. Somewhere between the two is probably the truth.
I have spent a lot of time since that time wondering why i stayed with my husband then. i do know that i was very frightened, of facing people, of having to cope alone, of the financial implications. So despite the fact that i didn't trust him. That every time he touched me, my skin crawled. That the time we were together was very difficult. We carried on. He ended the relationship (probably not immediately) and we carried on. We lived and worked. We did things together and apart. We settled down into a long period of relative stability.
i did tell one or two friends, but not friends who knew my family and certainly not my family. Though i was so miserable during that time i look back and wonder that no one saw how unhappy i was. i wonder that no one asked me if everything was ok.
So that is the story of my marriage. The deceit and the lies of nearly 20 years have probably led me to the place i am now. That is why, when i started this thing with Sir, after a few months it became impossible for me to continue to lie to hubby about it. That is why i really want to tell everyone i know that the long term relationship they know about it something of a sham. It is a warning that while you can paper over the cracks, you can't actually prevent the whole thing coming tumbling down eventually.
There is a bit more to this, but i will leave it till later ........ To be continued.
Around a year ago, i was feeling particularly bored with my life. i was frustrated that as i approached my 50th birthday that i was in a rut. To those looking from the outside in it looked as if i had everything; a stable marriage of nearly 28 years, a good job, nice house, son doing well at university. All of those things were true, but actually that marriage was built on rocky foundations, perhaps set in quicksand. Few people in my life are aware of the truth behind the relationship between my husband and me. They know that we lived close to each other in our home town. They know that we first dated when i was just 15 and that we married soon after i qualified as a nurse. He was my only serious boyfriend. The only man i had had sex with. We seemed to be just right together, we loved and cared about each other, so people weren't surprised that we married so young (21 and 25).
Within 5 years though we were leading practically separate lives. He claimed he needed to work away from home quite a bit and at the same time i was working shifts, including nights, as a nurse. Our relationship was often volatile, as i tried to get him to be the kind of husband i thought i wanted (one who pulled his weight around the house mainly). Often when we were invited to go out with friends, he either didn't want to go, or wasn't around, looking back he was almost contemptuous of them (though not to their faces), so they drifted away. At some point i discovered he was seeing someone at work and after much consideration on both our parts he told me he had ended the other relationship. i was in love, i wanted our marriage to work, and so i forgave and i trusted. We told no one about what had happened, though i did go and stay with a friend who had recently had a baby and seem to remember hinting that things were not going well. It later transpired that when i was away, hubby had his lady friend to stay in our house, in my bed.
In 1990 i became pregnant with our son. i was oblivious to the fact that my husband was involved in a long term relationship with another woman. i was blind and deaf, wrapped up as i was in the world of myself and my son. Hubby worked away, that was what i and others knew. i remember a neighbour asking me if he still lived with me. i was mortified that they would think that, but looking back he was rarely home. On occasions we would go for Sunday lunch to my parents, meeting a few streets away in separate cars. We would then arrive for the family gathering together and later, leave together and then go our separate ways.
One day when my son was around 3, on a Saturday lunchtime, i was ironing in my dining room while my son played nearby. Hubby was apparently at work. A woman turned up at the door and i invited her in. She told me that she was in a relationship with my husband and that what was more, they were engaged to be married! I was incredulous; how could this be in any way true? He arrived home and shooed her away. i was in shock and for that reason can't exactly remember the rest of that day or the next few. A letter arrived, telling me all that she and my husband did together. It told me of weekends away, holidays, family events even an engagement party. Much of this has been denied since. Hubby maintains that she was obsessed with him and that he was too weak to say no. Somewhere between the two is probably the truth.
I have spent a lot of time since that time wondering why i stayed with my husband then. i do know that i was very frightened, of facing people, of having to cope alone, of the financial implications. So despite the fact that i didn't trust him. That every time he touched me, my skin crawled. That the time we were together was very difficult. We carried on. He ended the relationship (probably not immediately) and we carried on. We lived and worked. We did things together and apart. We settled down into a long period of relative stability.
i did tell one or two friends, but not friends who knew my family and certainly not my family. Though i was so miserable during that time i look back and wonder that no one saw how unhappy i was. i wonder that no one asked me if everything was ok.
So that is the story of my marriage. The deceit and the lies of nearly 20 years have probably led me to the place i am now. That is why, when i started this thing with Sir, after a few months it became impossible for me to continue to lie to hubby about it. That is why i really want to tell everyone i know that the long term relationship they know about it something of a sham. It is a warning that while you can paper over the cracks, you can't actually prevent the whole thing coming tumbling down eventually.
There is a bit more to this, but i will leave it till later ........ To be continued.
Thursday, 21 February 2013
This is my blog and I will ramble if I want to
I was short of a title and this is the best I can do. It is strange that I always tend to give my blog posts, or an essay or report for that matter, a title first. It is a mental thing. In this case I am stuck for a catchy title so this is what I have come up with. It seems a good title though since already I ramble.
Stuff is happening here, has taken something of a turn. Things have become rather unpleasant and if you look down to my last post, we are back in anger territory.
Hubby found some sent emails early yesterday morning. I know I was careless, first I hadn't deleted them, second they were easily found on the iPod (which I had forgotten was logged into email since I haven't touched the thing in weeks), at 4 am. He is an insomniac who thought he would like to listen to music at 4 am, and pressed the wrong button (apparently).
He found a trail of sent emails mostly to Sir. In the most recent I had confirmed I would see Sir on Friday. This was a problem since I hadn't yet told hubby. Worse in his ever suspicious eyes was an email from a couple of weeks ago about the conversation I had had with someone about a possible mmff encounter (by the way if you type mmff into an iPad, it trys to convert it to the word to muffin). All that has happened is discussion, no firm plans have been made and I am not sure yet what if anything we might do together, if we ever met. I have been texting the female sub of the relationship and getting to know her and him. Of course if you read this as a sent email with no reply (there probably never was one as Sir doesn't always reply and is often direct and to the point if he does), then you might imagine it had already taken place. He also took offence to the fact that after my name were a couple (or 3 kisses). I tend to put kisses on an email to friends (male and female), but I guess that doesn't matter.
Lets just say that this information has sent us into a massive downward spiral and I have just endured more than 24 hours of questioning, accusations and general unpleasantness (not including the time we were either at work or briefly sleeping).
I have now been told I am being groomed! I have been informed that buying things from a sex shop must not happen using the joint account I solely use (perhaps he should look at the transactions within his own bank statement more closely since yesterday he was so over drawn he was unable to withdraw money and I gave him some). I have been told that I am a lyer and cannot be trusted, (I guess I am guilty as charged on these). I have been cross examined about the contents of the bag I use for work, I have had things i apparently said in November or December recited back at me. I have been told I have ruined his sex drive and made him impotent.
I wonder now where we go from this.
I offered to give up seeing Sir. I am getting close to the end of my tether, but am apparently not entitled to be upset or distressed. Hubby tells me to carry on since he won't be here at the weekend and he can't do anything to fulfill me.
Anger is an understatement and I know I am to blame.
He desperately needs to talk to someone, but refuses since it would mean losing face. Admitting his wife is seeing someone else and he has not stopped it. So he takes that anger out on me.
But actually this is about a deeper problem with this marriage. One which existed long before I ever chatted to Sir or indeed met Him.
I feel deeply sorry for my husband of over 28 years. I have cared for him deeply through thick and thin. I have loved and fought for him. I have supported and stood up for him. I took on thousands of pounds of debt for us both, destroying my own credit rating so that his could be maintained. I spent much of our early married life including the early years of my sons life while he persued his own early mid life crisis. I have put up with a lot. Of course I have also done a great wrong.
But right now I really don't like him. I no longer know if I love him.
I really don't know where to go from here.
This is my blog and I am rambling and writing here helps.
I have opened a new bank account in my own name.My credit rating is on the mend and I have paid most of the debt (myself through the joint account). I didn't tell him about the new account and left the paperwork lying around. I am careless and stupid. But I think I was right, I need to start to think about me and not us. I have to protect me.
I have risked everything and feel right now that I have lost lots. My son is finishing his degree (dissertation due next week, followed by 3 essays and end of year exams), and will graduate this summer. I can't tell anyone in the family until I tell him, but I can't tell his yet. Luckily he will not be home till Easter.
I am a month from redundancy and I am starting to feel scared about getting a job, even though I am already getting potential offers of work.
There is one really good thing in my life and I know I will see Him tomorrow. There seems little point in giving that up right now. What is more I really need Him!
Stuff is happening here, has taken something of a turn. Things have become rather unpleasant and if you look down to my last post, we are back in anger territory.
Hubby found some sent emails early yesterday morning. I know I was careless, first I hadn't deleted them, second they were easily found on the iPod (which I had forgotten was logged into email since I haven't touched the thing in weeks), at 4 am. He is an insomniac who thought he would like to listen to music at 4 am, and pressed the wrong button (apparently).
He found a trail of sent emails mostly to Sir. In the most recent I had confirmed I would see Sir on Friday. This was a problem since I hadn't yet told hubby. Worse in his ever suspicious eyes was an email from a couple of weeks ago about the conversation I had had with someone about a possible mmff encounter (by the way if you type mmff into an iPad, it trys to convert it to the word to muffin). All that has happened is discussion, no firm plans have been made and I am not sure yet what if anything we might do together, if we ever met. I have been texting the female sub of the relationship and getting to know her and him. Of course if you read this as a sent email with no reply (there probably never was one as Sir doesn't always reply and is often direct and to the point if he does), then you might imagine it had already taken place. He also took offence to the fact that after my name were a couple (or 3 kisses). I tend to put kisses on an email to friends (male and female), but I guess that doesn't matter.
Lets just say that this information has sent us into a massive downward spiral and I have just endured more than 24 hours of questioning, accusations and general unpleasantness (not including the time we were either at work or briefly sleeping).
I have now been told I am being groomed! I have been informed that buying things from a sex shop must not happen using the joint account I solely use (perhaps he should look at the transactions within his own bank statement more closely since yesterday he was so over drawn he was unable to withdraw money and I gave him some). I have been told that I am a lyer and cannot be trusted, (I guess I am guilty as charged on these). I have been cross examined about the contents of the bag I use for work, I have had things i apparently said in November or December recited back at me. I have been told I have ruined his sex drive and made him impotent.
I wonder now where we go from this.
I offered to give up seeing Sir. I am getting close to the end of my tether, but am apparently not entitled to be upset or distressed. Hubby tells me to carry on since he won't be here at the weekend and he can't do anything to fulfill me.
Anger is an understatement and I know I am to blame.
He desperately needs to talk to someone, but refuses since it would mean losing face. Admitting his wife is seeing someone else and he has not stopped it. So he takes that anger out on me.
But actually this is about a deeper problem with this marriage. One which existed long before I ever chatted to Sir or indeed met Him.
I feel deeply sorry for my husband of over 28 years. I have cared for him deeply through thick and thin. I have loved and fought for him. I have supported and stood up for him. I took on thousands of pounds of debt for us both, destroying my own credit rating so that his could be maintained. I spent much of our early married life including the early years of my sons life while he persued his own early mid life crisis. I have put up with a lot. Of course I have also done a great wrong.
But right now I really don't like him. I no longer know if I love him.
I really don't know where to go from here.
This is my blog and I am rambling and writing here helps.
I have opened a new bank account in my own name.My credit rating is on the mend and I have paid most of the debt (myself through the joint account). I didn't tell him about the new account and left the paperwork lying around. I am careless and stupid. But I think I was right, I need to start to think about me and not us. I have to protect me.
I have risked everything and feel right now that I have lost lots. My son is finishing his degree (dissertation due next week, followed by 3 essays and end of year exams), and will graduate this summer. I can't tell anyone in the family until I tell him, but I can't tell his yet. Luckily he will not be home till Easter.
I am a month from redundancy and I am starting to feel scared about getting a job, even though I am already getting potential offers of work.
There is one really good thing in my life and I know I will see Him tomorrow. There seems little point in giving that up right now. What is more I really need Him!
Monday, 18 February 2013
Grieving for a relationship lost
For the first time in weeks, hubby and i resided in the same house, and did things together this weekend. He is now away more than i am, but apparently it doesn't count since he is not fucking anyone else (his words).
i am not sure what i expected to happen on that fateful day 3 months ago when i came clean and told him about my relationship with Sir. At the time i was considering myself and the lies i had told. i was thinking of my conscience and of the difficulties in carrying on in secret. And even though i know something of the process people go through as they grieve for a loss or as they go through a cycle of change. But it is only now that i realise what has been happening.
i am not sure what i expected to happen on that fateful day 3 months ago when i came clean and told him about my relationship with Sir. At the time i was considering myself and the lies i had told. i was thinking of my conscience and of the difficulties in carrying on in secret. And even though i know something of the process people go through as they grieve for a loss or as they go through a cycle of change. But it is only now that i realise what has been happening.
I first studied the stages of grief as described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross during my nurse training when learning about death and dying. Then i saw it adapted as a model for change by Stephen Covey
But it pretty much describes what has been going on around here since November.
The first stage was shock and denial - He was both frightened and numb, he alternatively blamed me for what had happened and himself for his actions which he felt caused me to stray in the way i had. Next there was anger - at me, at Sir. He wanted to do something decisive and unpleasant to Sir, but couldn't and wouldn't as that is not his way. He felt shame and embarrassment that his wife should have strayed and that he hasn't had the power to stop it. Now (although he swings back into denial and anger), his main problem is an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. He is unable to sleep properly and lacks energy to do anything. He has also lost his sexual drive (or perceives he has) and worries that it will never return.
It is with no pride that i detail all of this. i most definitely didn't set out to hurt him, to make him feel like this. But i have to admit that in my selfishness i failed to recognise just how devastating my news would be to him.
i know that if i had any sense i would end the relationship with Sir and set about repairing what remains of my marital relationship. But it is so hard to make that decision when that other life offers so much more fulfilment.
Hubby hates my relationship with sir. He now wants me to tell him far more intimate details than i want to reveal. But he says he knows he can't stop me doing what i want to do.
Who ever said life was easy? It definitely isn't!
Thursday, 7 February 2013
Is it worth it?
There are going to be 3 distinct phases to this weekend. The first which has already started is to do with preparation and about coping with hubby's feelings about it all. The second will be the time with Sir and the third will be after, characterised by a major psychological come down and also whatever hubby's reaction is.
It is around a month since i was last with Sir, so there has been plenty of time to think ahead to 'next time'. After a visit i spend a week or so longing to be back with Him, a week to 10 days settling back into my normal life and then the rest of the time thinking ahead again. For hubby this final phase of the thinking ahead is very painful. Last night he told me more of these feelings; of humiliation, anger, fear.
i felt and feel terrible that i have inflicted these feelings on someone who i actually do love and care about. This has led me to wonder if it is really worth it? Hubby focuses on the sex in his mind, he constantly thinks about the fact that i will be having sex with another man, and that i will find it more fulfilling that the sex i have with him. i can't deny this to be the truth, but actually i would be happy to focus on hubby when we are together if he wasn't quite so fixated on Sir. We discussed whether i should go, and hubby told me he thought i should. i on the other hand lay, after we had finished talking, thinking about the whole thing.
It isn't just that the arrangements are made and the train tickets bought, that i feel that i am compelled to go to Sir. It isn't just that i know He can fulfil my needs. i have come to value my trips to Sir to escape the life i currently live, to gain a few days of respite. i believe hubby and i have crossed a line whereby it no longer matters if i go or not, the damage from his point of view is done. He will continue to say what he says, he will continue to be hurt for the foreseeable future and he will continue to go away to visit his own friends. It emerged last night that he appears to have someone on the scene himself, though not for sex. i need him to be happy, and fulfilled in life, not for my benefit, but for his. i told him last night that in my opinion the problems lie with me, and not with him. He is unable to make me feel as i want to feel, and we both know this to be true.
So i will go, i will get my space, i will submit to my Master, i will be fulfilled and will i hope fulfil His needs. Then i will return and pick up the pieces of my marriage, again.
i don't take this lightly, but at the moment i am compelled to carry on, because right now it seems to be worth it.
It is around a month since i was last with Sir, so there has been plenty of time to think ahead to 'next time'. After a visit i spend a week or so longing to be back with Him, a week to 10 days settling back into my normal life and then the rest of the time thinking ahead again. For hubby this final phase of the thinking ahead is very painful. Last night he told me more of these feelings; of humiliation, anger, fear.
i felt and feel terrible that i have inflicted these feelings on someone who i actually do love and care about. This has led me to wonder if it is really worth it? Hubby focuses on the sex in his mind, he constantly thinks about the fact that i will be having sex with another man, and that i will find it more fulfilling that the sex i have with him. i can't deny this to be the truth, but actually i would be happy to focus on hubby when we are together if he wasn't quite so fixated on Sir. We discussed whether i should go, and hubby told me he thought i should. i on the other hand lay, after we had finished talking, thinking about the whole thing.
It isn't just that the arrangements are made and the train tickets bought, that i feel that i am compelled to go to Sir. It isn't just that i know He can fulfil my needs. i have come to value my trips to Sir to escape the life i currently live, to gain a few days of respite. i believe hubby and i have crossed a line whereby it no longer matters if i go or not, the damage from his point of view is done. He will continue to say what he says, he will continue to be hurt for the foreseeable future and he will continue to go away to visit his own friends. It emerged last night that he appears to have someone on the scene himself, though not for sex. i need him to be happy, and fulfilled in life, not for my benefit, but for his. i told him last night that in my opinion the problems lie with me, and not with him. He is unable to make me feel as i want to feel, and we both know this to be true.
So i will go, i will get my space, i will submit to my Master, i will be fulfilled and will i hope fulfil His needs. Then i will return and pick up the pieces of my marriage, again.
i don't take this lightly, but at the moment i am compelled to carry on, because right now it seems to be worth it.
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
This weekend
Will probably help to define the rest of my life.
It has been 6 weeks or so since i last saw Sir. Since then, home life has involved hubby and i living in some kind of movie set. Living our lives, working, eating, sleeping, socialising, but not quite living in reality. We have chatted and laughed, but equally we have argued and goaded each other. We have danced around the issue, sometimes avoiding it, sometimes half facing it. Words have been spoken, many of those words have been unkind. Half truths have been spoken too.
Yesterday reality hit. He asked when i would be going to see Sir and when i told him he reacted. His reaction was to leave, get drunk and arrive home this morning. Tonight he is out again and he will be back tomorrow. He says tomorrow he will be home.
This i know is my chance to keep my marriage. To do so will involve staying home this weekend (even though hubby has said he will be away), but actually i realise that Sir is a symptom not the cause of this. increasingly i wonder about the wisdom of saving this marriage.
This last few weeks since i told hubby about my infidelity has taught me that relationships shouldn't be like this. There seems to be no care, respect or love between us to speak us. What exists is point scoring, and an inability to listen carefully to what the other says. There is pain.
The pain is not just his (though he has every right to feel very very hurt by what i have done), but it is mine too.
That, i think is where we are today.
It has been 6 weeks or so since i last saw Sir. Since then, home life has involved hubby and i living in some kind of movie set. Living our lives, working, eating, sleeping, socialising, but not quite living in reality. We have chatted and laughed, but equally we have argued and goaded each other. We have danced around the issue, sometimes avoiding it, sometimes half facing it. Words have been spoken, many of those words have been unkind. Half truths have been spoken too.
Yesterday reality hit. He asked when i would be going to see Sir and when i told him he reacted. His reaction was to leave, get drunk and arrive home this morning. Tonight he is out again and he will be back tomorrow. He says tomorrow he will be home.
This i know is my chance to keep my marriage. To do so will involve staying home this weekend (even though hubby has said he will be away), but actually i realise that Sir is a symptom not the cause of this. increasingly i wonder about the wisdom of saving this marriage.
This last few weeks since i told hubby about my infidelity has taught me that relationships shouldn't be like this. There seems to be no care, respect or love between us to speak us. What exists is point scoring, and an inability to listen carefully to what the other says. There is pain.
The pain is not just his (though he has every right to feel very very hurt by what i have done), but it is mine too.
That, i think is where we are today.
Saturday, 5 January 2013
Ups and Downs
i think that best describes how things are right now. Hubby and i have had a number of really good days, but any time i am lulled into the idea that this will be plain sailing, stuff is said that puts me straight back into my place. He firmly believes that Sir and i have a budding love affair and that at all times i am pining for Him. Hubby thinks that whenever i am apart from him, i am on the phone, text, online to Sir. Hubby also thinks that the more sex we have the more that i will want him. None of the above is entirely true, but there are some truths hidden there.
Sir and i have never proclaimed our love, though there have been times during some highly sexy, submissive moments that i have come close. i don't think about Sir all the time, but it is true i do think about him; why would i not? i am going to spend next weekend with Sir and to be honest, given that i am really excited to be seeing Him, i am thinking about things a bit more than usual.
Sir and i don't get to chat nearly enough. i worry about this, as without relatively frequent contact, it is hard to maintain this dynamic effectively. i know, however, that He has plans for next week that will help get me back on the straight and narrow. When it comes to contact, i am an adult, i have a job and family and so am not in constant contact. This is not new. Having said that, i would love to be able to go back to the days i could chat online with Sir while hubby was in the room. That can no longer happen and is probably a good thing right now.
Hubby wants much more sex. What is interesting is that i have started to get over the 'i can't stand sex with this man' and started to enjoy it reasonably well. It isn't the same as i have with Sir, which is a good thing. It is no where near as satisfying and it is over rather speedily even with foreplay. Now this is an interesting departure, since for all of these years i thought that he has little knowledge of this phenomena. But actually it seems he knew how to find my clit all along. After being ignored for months, the attention is pleasant, but a little unnerving at times.
i fully expect the next week to be difficult. i haven't told hubby yet that i am going to see Sir, though he is expecting it. i doubt he is ever going to accept this dynamic and i am still taking each day as it comes. But to be honest there are more ups and than downs and that is something that i can live with right now.
Sir and i have never proclaimed our love, though there have been times during some highly sexy, submissive moments that i have come close. i don't think about Sir all the time, but it is true i do think about him; why would i not? i am going to spend next weekend with Sir and to be honest, given that i am really excited to be seeing Him, i am thinking about things a bit more than usual.
Sir and i don't get to chat nearly enough. i worry about this, as without relatively frequent contact, it is hard to maintain this dynamic effectively. i know, however, that He has plans for next week that will help get me back on the straight and narrow. When it comes to contact, i am an adult, i have a job and family and so am not in constant contact. This is not new. Having said that, i would love to be able to go back to the days i could chat online with Sir while hubby was in the room. That can no longer happen and is probably a good thing right now.
Hubby wants much more sex. What is interesting is that i have started to get over the 'i can't stand sex with this man' and started to enjoy it reasonably well. It isn't the same as i have with Sir, which is a good thing. It is no where near as satisfying and it is over rather speedily even with foreplay. Now this is an interesting departure, since for all of these years i thought that he has little knowledge of this phenomena. But actually it seems he knew how to find my clit all along. After being ignored for months, the attention is pleasant, but a little unnerving at times.
i fully expect the next week to be difficult. i haven't told hubby yet that i am going to see Sir, though he is expecting it. i doubt he is ever going to accept this dynamic and i am still taking each day as it comes. But to be honest there are more ups and than downs and that is something that i can live with right now.
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
New Year and time to think ahead
i cannot describe how much i have discovered about myself in that time and from where i sit most of it is good. While i didn't enjoy lying and deceiving hubby, i have found out that there is so much more to life that i hoped and dreamt of. If you had walked up to me on January 1st last year and told me that within months i would be on my knees before Sir, my nipples clamped, my hands restrained. That i would be telling Him what a whore i am, that i would be asking to suck His cock, asking for Him to Fuck me, use me. If you had told me that i would even contemplate anal sex much less enjoy it. i would have told you that you had gone barking mad. But all of the above is true. What is more, i have learnt that dressing up is not a chore, but exhilarating and arousing. i have discovered that while i am not keen on humiliation while it is happening, once again it is a huge turn on.
Time to move forward then, but actually without too much planning. While my visits to Sir need a little bit of organising, i don't plan to get too hung up on it all. i have to say that He has been wonderful over the past month. He has given me space, but at the same time has been there for me. i really can't wait to be with Him again in another couple of weeks. i am sure that he will have some kinky, humiliating and very very sexy ideas up his sleeve for our times together.
As for life with hubby again i am not thinking too far ahead; we will have to see how things go day to day. We do have some good things to look forward to though, particularly my son's graduation in the summer. i need to find myself a job (got a couple of applications in the pipeline), got to lose that post Christmas weight but nothing that can't be achieved with a view on that lovely corset!
So as a new year starts, i have to say that things don't feel too bad. In fact i feel strangely optimistic. Lets hope that this year is a good one for us all.
Picture from lovingdevotion
Thursday, 27 December 2012
Time to myself
For the first time in about a week I have time to breathe, to relax and to do as I wish unwatched. Hubby has gone out with friends and won't be back till morning.
It is not true that I am completely alone since my son is upstairs in his room. We have both been to work today and so while I relax downstairs he is playing with his Christmas presents upstairs (he is 21 but who can deny a young man a new computer game and half a dozen CDs).
A truce was called over Christmas while hubby and I decided not to bicker and argue with each other; it led to peace and a kind of relaxation not found in these parts for at least a month. We are getting on ok, though of course the undercurrent of my relationship with Sir is there. I don't blame hubby for the things he says or for the way he acts towards me. But I cannot undo what is going on here.
Over the last week we have had a reasonable amount of sex. This is something different for us, because before the last few weeks we hadn't done so since at least February. Trouble is, what we have together in the bedroom isn't enough and I can't get what I need from him. I can't submit to him even if I could. At some point during those first few days when I came clean, I told him I needed to be dominated.
For some reason he has taken to calling me a dirty bitch, in bed.
It just sounds so wrong.
Another reason i am feeling quite so chirpy today is because i had a chat with Sir today. He sensed i was feeling good and i think that a bit of that rubbed off as His Christmas has been less cheery given a work / ex-wife combo of difficulties.
i know it is wrong, but i can't wait to see Him. i will probably have to wait until my son goes back to uni, but when we do get together it will definitely be worth it.
Because i haven't been online for the last couple of weeks, i haven't had chance to catch up with everyone else. But i have the whole evening ahead of me and i intend do so right now.
I hope everyone has had a good Christmas time; lets all hope for a great, kinky New Year!
It is not true that I am completely alone since my son is upstairs in his room. We have both been to work today and so while I relax downstairs he is playing with his Christmas presents upstairs (he is 21 but who can deny a young man a new computer game and half a dozen CDs).
A truce was called over Christmas while hubby and I decided not to bicker and argue with each other; it led to peace and a kind of relaxation not found in these parts for at least a month. We are getting on ok, though of course the undercurrent of my relationship with Sir is there. I don't blame hubby for the things he says or for the way he acts towards me. But I cannot undo what is going on here.
Over the last week we have had a reasonable amount of sex. This is something different for us, because before the last few weeks we hadn't done so since at least February. Trouble is, what we have together in the bedroom isn't enough and I can't get what I need from him. I can't submit to him even if I could. At some point during those first few days when I came clean, I told him I needed to be dominated.
For some reason he has taken to calling me a dirty bitch, in bed.
It just sounds so wrong.
Another reason i am feeling quite so chirpy today is because i had a chat with Sir today. He sensed i was feeling good and i think that a bit of that rubbed off as His Christmas has been less cheery given a work / ex-wife combo of difficulties.
i know it is wrong, but i can't wait to see Him. i will probably have to wait until my son goes back to uni, but when we do get together it will definitely be worth it.
Because i haven't been online for the last couple of weeks, i haven't had chance to catch up with everyone else. But i have the whole evening ahead of me and i intend do so right now.
I hope everyone has had a good Christmas time; lets all hope for a great, kinky New Year!
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Bad to worse
There is no kinkiness in my life right now, just a life trying to pacify hubby and the need to sort out a job.
I work for the Health Service in England and we are being massively reorganised. My current job will not exist after April and I have been required to apply for a new job. Today, two things happened. Firstly I received a letter telling me I am now at risk of redundancy (if I fail to find another suitable job by the end of March) and Secondly I failed to secure the job for which I was interviewed last Friday. I have been offered a lifeline in that though I failed to reach the required level during interview I have been asked to reapply (quite strange I know).
What I would like now is to be with my Sir.
I would like to be able to submit to Him. I would like to be bound, wearing a corset perhaps, being taken from behind.
I don't know when I can next be with Him. But I know it is what I want and what I need.
Other than that, I don't really know what to say........
I have Christmas presents to wrap and instead I will head off to wrap them..........
I work for the Health Service in England and we are being massively reorganised. My current job will not exist after April and I have been required to apply for a new job. Today, two things happened. Firstly I received a letter telling me I am now at risk of redundancy (if I fail to find another suitable job by the end of March) and Secondly I failed to secure the job for which I was interviewed last Friday. I have been offered a lifeline in that though I failed to reach the required level during interview I have been asked to reapply (quite strange I know).
What I would like now is to be with my Sir.
I would like to be able to submit to Him. I would like to be bound, wearing a corset perhaps, being taken from behind.
I don't know when I can next be with Him. But I know it is what I want and what I need.
Other than that, I don't really know what to say........
I have Christmas presents to wrap and instead I will head off to wrap them..........
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