Just when there is more BDSM in my life than ever

I am not sure I am free to express what is in my heart, my mind and my body.

I may soon have to move this blog.

Because I don't want to go private.

A short break

I am going to take a short blogging break while I consider the purpose of writing here.

For the past few weeks I have been a bit concerned that I have lost track of the reasons I started this, which was about my own journey to become the person I want and need to be. It is not about specific events or issues but about how I as a person manage and deal with them.

Master and I have discussed this, and I am going to take a new approach, to write in a different private place first. This is so that I can write freely, without worrying that it appears publicly on the web. Once I have cleared my head of some of the issues I need to do that with, then I feel I will be able to return, refocused.

I am still around, still reading, still here........

Moody Slut

That is the only thing that can describe this girl. A day can start off really well, nothing in particular might upset her, but then without warning and without delay, the bottom appears to fall out of it.

Yesterday was one of those days. This girl had a reasonable day at work. Achieved some useful outcomes (as they love to call things you do in this girls line of work), and even indulged in some retail therapy at lunchtime.

Suddenly though at 3pm or so, this girl began to feel her mood slipping. It was as if one of the death eaters from a Harry Potter book had suddenly sat beside her. This girl's energy slumped, and if anyone had said anything at all annoying or upsetting tears would have emerged.

By the time this girl got home this girl felt like she was in the worst depression ever. This is hard for this girl to describe, since these feelings are pretty alien. This girl is not someone who, thankfully, has been affected by this kind of thing in the past. Even after having a baby, the blues was all she had. Ok, so some of the PMT this girl has suffered has caused family to keep a wide birth, but that was never as sudden and dramatic. And anyway there was no danger of an angry outburst, just tears.

Well actually the outburst came in the form of mad and crazy messages sent to Master, who was in the middle of dealing with another problem in His life. In the course of 20 mins, this girl had told Master that she wanted to end their relationship and that she didn't 4 or 5 times. That was just in the messages that actually got sent.

Luckily He took all of this in His stride and this girl and Master were able to talk things through and finally laugh about things later.

This girl still hasn't been to see the doctor about HRT and knows she needs to do that. Plus they discussed whether this girl needs a snack at 3pm as it is usually mid afternoon when these things occur. They also discussed the loss of control and panic which engulfs this girl from time to time and how that might be linked to her submission. That when this girl reaches out and Master is not around, what happens and how this girl might take steps to prevent feeling as she did yesterday.

One thing is for sure, this girl hates those feelings and hates to be moody. What is more, she hates the thought of sending messages to Master, that he could take seriously. This girl feels she needs to get a grip!

Random Sunday thoughts

Though I haven't necessarily articulated it in this way, I have often felt and said that finding my submission often makes me feel that the rug has been pulled from me. I know I am on a journey somewhere, but don't really yet understand the destination. I am clear that submission for me is a better place than the one I inhabited before, and I am also clear that a half hearted attempt at submission, such as just in the bedroom is not an option for me.

I guess though, that I really never understood how difficult this journey would be.

I always felt reasonably assured in myself before. Confident in what I needed to do. That was partly because I rarely let anyone see the part of myself that is hidden to others, let alone the one that is hidden to me too. That sadly includes my husband of 30 years. I built a wall, one that was practically impenetrable. But a wall that is gradually being dismantled.

Things that I would have brushed aside, now concern me greatly - what people think, the deeper meaning within words, the reality that I feel nervous, fragile, sometimes unable to cope with ordinary life.

I seek assurance in a way that I never thought I would. I feel the need to try to understand the future in a way that I never did before, and frankly can't even be determined.

This is partly to do with the fact I am in the process of so many endings. But also because of the reality that I have embarked on a relationship where I don't yet know what is expected of me. Nothing yet is clear. Where as in the past I always thought I was allowing things just to happen, in reality, I was controlling them. Suddenly I feel I need clarity, but don't control how that emerges. I need rules, perimeters and to understand my place, but don't really know how to make that happen.

I know I need to let go much more, but am finding doing so really hard. I need His help, His support and His care. But I also need to have it spelt out a little more explicitly.

This is my blog

When I started this blog, I knew that I was at the beginning of a journey that was likely to continue for a while. At the time, I didn't know what I was getting into, I didn't know where it would take me. I didn't know how necessary it would be to write my thoughts down in the way I do now.

I have written of my excitement and my joy. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and when something new, exciting, thrilling happens, I want to share with the world. Even if the world here is a small place. During the difficult times it has been important to be able to read back to see the good things that have happened. To see what my thoughts were on those days.

Equally I have bared my soul here. I have described some difficult and painful feelings. Rejection, hurt, pain - both that caused to me, but that which has come from me to others and to myself. 

Often when I arrive I am confused and writing here, helps me to sort out my thoughts and then to be able to move on.

Last but not least, I have made some friends here. People who stop by and leave thoughts and encouragement, those I also know through their blogs and then those who I know in real life or know a little more of through email etc.

When I thought hubby had found this place, I thought I might have to stop, but luckily his visits were transient. I often feel lucky that he is so inept at the world of the internet.

This place is very important to me, this is a place where I can be free to write as I need. I just hope it will remain that way into the future. 

Too Needy?

I seem to be in a chicken / egg situation. Right now, I feel as if I need help, support, attention even. What I can't work out is this:

Is the neediness because I have so much going on in my life? Is it because I have begun to share my problems with another and let go of so much of the power and control? Is it because my submissive side is emerging and so I need the Dominant person to support me or else I feel I can't cope?

Whatever the reason, this morning I woke feeling anxious and yes, needy.

For a reason, not yet clear, the time I thought I was going to spend with Him last night, didn't happen.

This morning, as well as the anxiety I feel when He goes 'off line' as it were, I also feel as if perhaps I am too needy. I start to believe I need to pull back the control of myself, since this feeling is far too scary to cope with.

What is happening to me?

A weekend that we both needed

This girl is home from a weekend with her Master, a weekend that she needed and maybe that He needed too. There has been no play as such, but what there has been is time together, in each others company. We have spent more time than usual in bed, but not necessarily having sex, though there has been plenty of that. Both Master and this girl have been satisfied.

Master remains jet lagged. This girl understands how that feels, since she herself has been affected for well over a week following transatlantic travel. Added to that, He has been preoccupied with some health issues relating to His other slave. This girl also has been tired after the stresses of managing her own ordinary life. This girl increasingly needs His help to manage her life, but realising this brings its own stresses especially when He wasn't around to help.

Having down time together was probably the best thing. A gentle, sensual time with just the right amount of M/s conversation, S/m play and then the rest of the time doing pretty vanilla things which we were able to discuss and laugh about.

This girl is home this afternoon feeling rested, relaxed and happy.

There are times in a person's life when that is all that is needed. Especially when you feel that you have helped another feel the same.

Priorities

The text below was written yesterday morning, but haste to leave for work and the fact that this girl was feeling a little emotional, the 'publish' button didn't get pressed.


I can't deny I am struggling with making my marriage actually come to an end.

For the most part, he and I live in a state of avoidance and denial. He avoids me and we both deny the need to actually do anything. I have begun to clear things out, have created space in the spare room, have changed some of my behaviours but still it is ever present.

For all the time we spend apart. For all that is not said. We remain married to each other.

I need now to make that change.

The happiness I felt on Tuesday, was replaced with a sense of misery and doom last evening, knowing that for the first time in a week, hubby would be making an appearance today. He made his presence felt at whatever hour it was and he left me a note asking if I would do his washing. I have.

I have asked Master to help me work out what to do next. I really do need to do something. I can't continue like this. In perpetual limbo.

Despite those feelings, this girl knew that Master prefers her to focus while at work, and she had a busy day ahead. With determination that took quite some effort, this girl did just that, and between 9 and around 4 a lot was achieved. But arriving back from a meeting, with another 2 hours in the office to go, this girl felt her resolve slipping away.

A few weeks ago, this girl had signed up to an after work corporate event that seemed like it would be fun. Mainly though, she did so because she assumed hubby would be home and it would mean an evening out of the house when he was in it. This however seems a poor reason to go to an event on her own with a great load of strangers. This girl sat thinking that the last thing she needed was to engage in meaningless small talk with people she didn't want to be with.

This girl felt a little isolated at that point. There had been no word from Master, despite a text, email and the blog post above, she thought she had posted. She texted to tell him she felt alone.

He replied that he was sorry but that his jet lag had made him lethargic and he hadn't really done anything today.

Instead of the corporate event, this girl went to her Master. She left her desk at the regular time of 5pm and by 6.30 she was with Him.

It was a pleasant, quiet evening just spent in each other's company. Talking, just sitting, a little touching and kissing, dinner.....

This girl thinks that an evening with her Master was so much better for her than what had been planned and she hopes that an evening in her company helped Master feel a little more energised.

Tonight when she sees Him, she expects things will be a little different......

Vulnerability and emotions

I have rarely been the kind of person to show my vulnerable side, to let people see that I hurt. Indeed in recent years, even when falling apart inside, I rarely cried. People were more likely to see me display other emotions such as irritation or anger. Often people may have wrongly labelled me and definitely people have found me a little unapproachable, scary even.

Over the course of many years, I have built barriers around me. Scared that by showing my vulnerabilities people would see me as weak and unable to cope with the normal problems life throws at you.

Slowly though, with the help of friends and of my Master, those barriers, walls even are coming down. For someone not necessarily used to the feelings that accompany this, I am finding that I am more fearful than perhaps I was. Fearful of allowing my more vulnerable side to show when I don't really want or need that to happen. In the past I rarely cried, I hardly ever felt close to tears, now it almost feels that they are just waiting there all of the time.

Yesterday morning, after an almost sleepless night - the knowledge hubby was about to reappear after several days away, too much thinking on my part, a feeling that my productive weekend hadn't quite been fun enough, while Master was off enjoying His - I got into the shower. Suddenly and without warning I started to cry. While the water washed off of my body, tears ran down my face. For a few seconds, I felt stupid. What did I have to cry about? But then, I just let it happen, let my anxieties and fears fall away. After drying myself, I stood in front of the mirror naked and re-marked myself. I told my reflection out loud that this girl, this slut, belongs to her Master (this is a new rule), and tried to get those negative thoughts from my head. Suddenly I felt stronger. More able to face the day. There is definitely something about reaffirming to myself that I am owned by Him that helps me. Added to this the text I received from Him reaffirming that I am not completely alone helped me feel ready to face the day. A coffee which I grabbed on the way into work helped wake up my brain and face a day in the office.

Last evening after work, I got my time with Master. We discussed how I have been feeling and again the tears felt close, but didn't emerge. Just seeing him and feeling His support and understanding of my needs made me feel stronger. It wasn't that I didn't feel I shouldn't cry if I needed to, it was that suddenly I didn't need to.

I am vulnerable right now, and I acknowledge that. But with the support of my friends and my Master I will emerge stronger and more able to deal with what life throws at me, perhaps without seeming unapproachable or in the least scary!

Thoughts for a Saturday morning

At last this girl got to chat with her Master again last night. As she did so, she marvelled at the delights of Skype. Indeed this girl spent a lot of time on Skype last night since afterwards she also chatted to her friend destiny, but more of that later.

For a while, this girl chatted to Master fully clothed, even though He wasn't - but then he hadn't actually got dressed yet. This girl told Him about her day and other events. Eventually this girl asked Him about their conversation on Tuesday. The conversation when they discussed this girl's status as His submissive and when He asked her if she was ready to be His slave.

This girl was instructed to show Him her mark, which of course she did. He seemed pleased with it, even though it seemed to have worn off a bit during the day, despite the apparent permanent ink. At this point she also took off her top, she hadn't actually been wearing much anyway. Master quizzed this girl about the things she had been doing and the extent to which she felt that they were carried out for Him - this is something this girl wrote about yesterday on her journey page - she told him how much that was the case and described some examples. They also discussed a blog post this girl is going to write later, one which is difficult for this girl to do and which became one of her tasks for today. This girl imagines that He loves a slave who works out her own tasks! The second one will be more physical and was set by Him. It is to do with the final clear out of the spare room, one which can mean that this girl removes hubby from the marital bed once and for all.

Master knows that while this job was started last week, this girl might continue to procrastinate for a while if He did not suggest that she get on with it. What is more, pretty much telling her to get on with it this weekend is important. If this girl wants to be His slave then she knows that she needs to do it. She also knows this is part of His way of moving her along towards the marriage end, and this is something this girl really needs to happen now.

Finally this girl and Master got onto the topic of orgasms. She is now allowed to have as many orgasms as she needs until He returns from his trip, but is expected to tell him about them after (this girl has further clarified that details are required which will be fun). This girl wondered if she should restrict the orgasms going forward, but the look on His face told her that this was not what He wanted. This girl knows that actually Master believes it is good for His girl to orgasm as she needs to and this girl feels that she might have an increased need after all. It is just she needs to be mindful of the piercings so as not to become too sore.

This girl then spent a wonderful couple of hours with her friend destiny. We two girls are starting to get to know each other well and at present are both separated from our Masters. This girl is finding having someone like destiny around is becoming important to her, especially as they can offer each other a slightly different perspective and understanding on their submission to each other. While we are very different people in terms of our personalities, we are trying to get to the same point. This girl is learning to be less overpowering to people (though she didn't ever necessarily feel the confidence she seems to show), while destiny is learning to have greater confidence to take more control over certain aspects of her life. This girl thinks that the friendship they are beginning to share will only grow as time goes on.

Now this girl had better get out of bed and on with the tasks she must do today. After all she wants to know what her Master is pleased with her and that she is a good girl. His good girl.

Feeling better at last

During the past week my mood and feeling of well being has swung between happiness and despair; well that's how it has felt. Just over a week ago I spent the most amazing evening with Sir and was as happy as can be. I had also been as submissive as I possibly ever had been.

This morning, I felt as if I was starting to return to as close to that state as I can be without having Him here and without the aid of orgasms or toys. I feel that I need to devote a bit of time at the weekend to getting myself back to the mind frame of being 'this girl'. 

After an anxious week with my dad we had some good news that the cancer is not as we feared in his spine and he has now rallied a bit. I am looking forward to giving he and my mum some time at the weekend.

This week I have had little contact with Sir. Knowing in advance that this would be the case hasn't helped as my mood, and feelings have swung wildly. At times I have wanted to tell him I don't think I can handle this kind of absence and his other relationship. But at other rational times I have recognised that is what I knew I was getting into and since I want to be in a relationship with Him then this is what I will of course be prepared to do.

Also this week I have been for relationship counselling. This is about ending my marriage and in one way was useful. It helped  me clarify where I have got to in ending my marriage. But it is very difficult to think about that relationship in isolation especially when my mind is on Sir and the relationship complications that brings with it.

The weekend feels a positive place. To take stock and to look forward. It is a place to acquaint myself with my submission. I just hope that I am able to have more contact with Him than an email or text. Otherwise, I don't know how long this good feeling will last!

Time away

I knew the decision to come away was the right one during the argument with hubby on Thursday night. But as I drove from the airport all I could think of was that the last time I had been here it was with Sir. I wondered if I would be able to settle, relax and enjoy myself. The answer is yes, I can.

This is the place I can come to if I need a break from the weather in the UK or from other people. This is a place where I have friends who spend the whole summer and who I can tell  most things to and who I can have fun with.


I have been coming here with hubby and my son for a few years now, and last year got the opportunity to buy a small apartment, a bolt hole if you like. I didn't realise then how important coming here would be, but I think I am beginning to realise. Of course when you own the place it isn't just about having a good time, there are chores to be done, so today I am off with my friends to make a few purchases for the apartment and then there will be a little maintenance work to do. But then this afternoon I will get to go to the beach before we go out to dinner tonight.

From here I can still maintain contact with my friends back home and elsewhere and this will be soon all the easier as I will have broadband in the apartment by the end of the month. At the moment I am using a hotspot which is at best temperamental!

This is just a short break; the weekend and next week it will be back to work and to the realities of life. But I know that this place is here and if I need to I can come back, time off and flights depending, I can.

Meltdown

The evening started well enough. The first time hubby and I had spent any time together for a week or so. Dinner was cooking, and we sat down to have a drink together. We talked about family issues, of which there are a number right now. We got onto the subject of his parents, and I commented (once again) that he needed to talk to them about our relationship, particularly given that our wedding anniversary approaches - one we won't be celebrating. It was then that hubby articulated that he thought we would at least spend the evening together on that day, have dinner, after all it will be 30 years. I told him I will be away, out of the country.

The next couple of hours are a stress filled blur. Voices (mine) were raised, unkind things were said by us both and we both lashed out at each other. His was more about throwing my laptop and standing over me, squaring up. Mine was about me actually physically lashing out as he appeared to try to grab me. Then there were tears, lots and lots of tears.

I have not cried about that relationship at all, and I sat on my own, upstairs wondering why now? I desperately wanted to speak to Sir, but he was preparing to leave today. We exchanged a few texts and I told him a little of things with hubby. I didn't tell him I was in full meltdown. Particularly when the realisation dawned that the whole hubby thing happened when it did for a reason. The tears were not for hubby and for our relationship as it dies. The tears were because suddenly I felt alone, with no one to turn to.

In fact a couple more texts from Sir cheered me up and I pulled myself together. The hubby thing is far from resolved, and Sir still leaves today. But I slept quite well and when I was in that half sleep half wakeful time I was able to regain that feeling of calmness I have had recently. Regain the feeling of submission, remember the piercings, remember that I am marked by Sir's pen.

Ok, so he hasn't actually left these shores yet, and he did help me out with the texts, but there was no conversation in person.

I think I can cope, I can remember even when the going gets tough. This time is going to be a test, I am going to think things I don't want to think, but I will get through it.

I am this girl. Sir's girl.

Who are you?

This girl lay stroking His Cock while he played with her nipples. she had already orgasmed a number of times, giving him all that she had. She felt the need to cum rise up in her again and pressed herself against his leg. He told her to hold it. He began to count, not from 5 or 10 this time, but 20. All the time he played with her nipples, those very very sensitive pierced nipples. She let herself sink into her own subconscious. She stopped thinking, instead she listened to his voice, the counting. She was aware of his cock growing in her hand. She looked into his eyes. Just as she began to allow the orgasm rise in her at the count of 2 he said "one and a half", but then 1 and CUM.

Who are you? He asked when she had given Him that huge orgasm and had on his instructions kept it coming.

Who was she?

This girl. she was this girl. she was also this slut, this bitch, this whore. She was His submissive. She is this girl.

He smiled. He loves the feeling of power this gives to Him. This girl likes to know that she had given herself, all of herself to Him. So much so, that at these moments she no longer has a name.

Sir doesn't really think this girl is joolz any more. Not the joolz you read about earlier in this blog. she is inclined to agree. The changes have been subtle but they are visible all the same. Visible to this girl in her daily life. Visible to Sir when he talks to her, when they are out and about together. Perhaps they are less visible to the outsider but increasingly this girl feels her submission during her every waking hour. She seeks and finds a calmness that wasn't there before. He says she is still a very different person when dealing with family matters, perhaps that is true, but this girl can feel a shift in the way she wants to handle that part of her life. She needs to feel this calmness much more. And she knows she will.

This blog is still called "The world of Joolz". Yesterday,  I was doing a little bit of tidying up on the front page, rewriting some of the text in the side bar. I was tempted to change the name of the blog. I don't feel like Joolz any more. However, its what others know me as, though some of you also know me as Julie. Plus, what does the name of the blog actually matter? Plus, if at times I have no name then it matters even less. What matters is who I belong to, and that part is pretty clear.

The sound of silence

When this girl thought of this topic she thought of this track. On YouTube she found this.

This is a beautiful version and the first of this song. Ok, so the words don't quite fit what this girl wants to say, but this girl likes it and in a way it feels right.

.....................................

This girl, in her normal state can speak quite a lot. She often needs to fill the spaces between dialogue. This may well irritate people, it would be correct to say that even this girl gets annoyed by the sound of her own voice.

Today this girl identified two distinct ways in which this verbal diarrhoea occurs: firstly when she has something very important to say and secondly when she is in a very anxious state. The trouble is, that sometimes even this girl can't tell the difference.

Submission appears to bring this girl a new way of being. 

It is possible to be calm and relaxed, it is possible not to always need to speak. There is nothing wrong in needing to speak when there is something important to say. There is nothing wrong in sharing news etc. But there is no need to speak for the sake of it.

Luckily, Sir is someone who likes the sound of silence. He is content to just be, to live in the moment. 

This girl is finding that she likes that place too. She finds with This Man, This Sir that she can be a less talkative person and be happy with that. 

Lately it takes less time for this girl to get into the place where that can happen and both this girl and Sir are very happy with that.

behaviour change

This girl met Sir in an internet chat room. In that place this girl chatted, not only with Him but with a number of people. This girl has found that she loves to flirt, to scene with Dominant men. That whole thing gives this girl an enormous thrill, even though it is not real life. She likes nothing more than to make out (and sometimes it is real) she is really turned on by a man online. Occasionally though someone you play with online resonates in real life. This happened with Sir and it happened quickly.

This girl can no longer play. She can flirt a little and she can chat, but she can't scene online with a man who isn't Sir. He hasn't told her she must not play. But anyhow, she cannot.

But it doesn't stop at cyber play. The feelings being in this relationship with Sir bring to the fore in this girl run much deeper. If a submissive woman of a certain age lets it be known on certain websites that she is available, she will receive many approaches. This girl understands that. So, given she is not currently looking for a relationship she has changed her profiles, however it is interesting that so many men still make an approach. This might be because unless you declare yourself in a D/s relationship you are game, or maybe these men just cannot read.

Whatever, not only does this girl not want to play online, but she doesn't want to be approached by random men looking for an easy woman.

Why doesn't this girl just quit those sites (as she has done before)? Well actually she has a number of friends she wishes to continue to communicate with in those particular places.

Why don't Sir and this girl openly embrace their status (whatever that is)? Well actually that is not how they wish to play this relationship. And whose business is it anyway?

This girl will always be grateful for the internet and the things she has learned about D/s and BDSM there. But that doesn't make her open to all comers. Plus, if she knocks people back, it isn't because Sir has told her not to do something, rather it is because she and she alone has decided it isn't what she wants.

At the moment she has what she wants and what she needs. She has that in real life.

New friends however at always welcome.

Communication

I am beginning to think that perhaps I am really terrible at communicating. That I don't express myself properly to those around me, that perhaps what I think should be said and indeed, has been said has actually happened in my head. That even when I try to communicate with those around me, the responses are not what I want or expect and so perhaps I apply my own interpretation to them.

This week, I have spent one evening with hubby. We have texted a little, but are no closer to understanding where we are going. I apply my understanding - that very soon we will have ceased to be husband and wife. He applies his - that if we see little of each other then at some point soon I will change my mind. Most mornings this week, he has crept in a 5ish, got dressed for work, laid down beside me and then half an hour later left, without speaking. He doesn't speak, as I told him I hated being disturbed at that kind of hour. But what I really meant was - don't turn up at 5 in the morning, I don't want you here at all and certainly not then. Have I actually told him that? I thought I had, but perhaps not!

My communication with Graeme this week, has mainly been one way. I leave him a message on yahoo, he doesn't respond. I leave another. I text him, he doesn't respond. He sends me a text, I reply with 2 or 3. He has been preoccupied all week with other things in his life. I have anxieties about those distractions that make me fearful, but of course I struggle to express this.

I miss the constant communication we seemed to have a week or two ago, but have I actually discussed with him how we might best communicate and when? No, of course not. We skyped the other evening for quite a long time and of course that should be sufficient, but is it? Of course not. Have I told him this? No.

Last night we were out together, we were seeing what was a great film from the silent era. Sadly the film was ruined for us both by some loud, live music which didn't fit the film one bit. He was much more irritated and disturbed by this whole thing than I was, and so we spent time we might have discussed other things talking about that. Then at dinner, a couple next to us appeared to be more interesting to him than me. He couldn't help it, but was tuned to their conversation and spent much of the time wondering what they were saying and why, as well as fussing about her accent which kept changing.

I returned home frustrated unhappy. My lovely evening hadn't gone to plan. The time I thought I would be getting as mine, was not.

How will I communicate better so that I am clearer and so that I don't end up quite so unhappy about the way I have tried to communicate?

I guess we will have to talk things through. I guess I need to do that in both of these relationships - otherwise it won't just be the marriage that is doomed to failure!

Sir - is it me?

Submissive self

There doesn't seem to be too much to say about this week, except that this girl's emotions are a bit up and down and that she feels rather weary from a busy working week. This girl has been thinking about those emotions and about her submission.

Sir feels that this girl made a lot of progress with her submission over last weekend, quite in what way he hasn't exactly said. But for this girl it feels that it was less about spending hours in subspace and more being in a space where she was her submissive self. There are subtle differences about these two states. In subspace this girl feels not quite in control of herself, she is a little vague and vacant and struggles to make decisions because of that. In submission space, this girl feels that she has handed control over to Him but that she can function, can make decisions where they need to be made. It is more that in His presence she is the person they both want her to be. She is a submissive.

This has led this girl to think about how she is away from Sir, during the normal working week and the extent to which she can be more like this submissive person in normal life. Yesterday at a meeting,  this girl reverted back to her previous self. She spoke over someone and for that received a look which was not dissimilar to one she might have received from Sir. What is more, she felt chastised and a little ashamed, as she might if it had been Him. There was no need for her to have done what she did and she has reflected on this and other elements of that meeting. It is not about being door mat like during the meeting, she had ample opportunity to get her point across and did. But actually perhaps the person this girl feels she is while submissive, it more like the person she wishes others to see. Certainly, when sitting at her desk, getting on with work, this girl feels that she is more able to function well and to focus on her work if she acts more like her submissive self. 

When this girl thinks back to her younger days, she realises she wasn't always the person who dominates conversations, who appeared confident to others and who was overtly extrovert. Ok so she likes the sound of her own voice and always has, but previously this was only evident when in a safe situation, perhaps with friends. Gradually, the work roles this girl has performed and the way in which she has had to take control (or thought she did), at home has changed the way in which this girl behaves in a variety of places and ways. Finding her submission is making this girl reassess the person she really is and the way in which she wishes to be seen by others.

Over the weekend, this girl thought about how her mood tends to drop on Tuesdays when she knows she faces an evening with hubby. This girl and Sir discussed what she might do about this and she came up with the idea of wearing her butt plug for the evening to help her focus on who she was.  During Tuesday afternoon, this girl felt herself drop and on the way home, Sir reminded her about what she needed to do. This strategy certainly seemed to work. Immediately the plug was in place, she felt calmer and more focused on her submissive self. This in turn helped her manage the evening with hubby. It also made her feel horny for Sir, and in turn that helped her focus. 

Sir has had some other things on His mind  this week and He hasn't been able to spend so much time interacting with this girl. At times she has felt a little neglected and in the past might have had something to say to Him about this. However, this girl has tried to think through things from his point  of view and to consider His needs over her own. After all, if this girl is to be Graeme's submissive she needs not to put her own needs first for a change. 

This blog

On 21st of April it will be the 2nd anniversary of my first post. i started this blog to document a personal journey and for the first few months that was exactly what it was. i wrote what i was experiencing and pretty much no one read it. But then gradually, as i explored the submissive blogosphere and left comments, so people came here and did the same. Then after a few months i told S about this place (though he found it around the same time accidentally) and so he also read my posts. Generally speaking he found the whole thing a turn on, not surprising as i wrote more about sex than about my true feelings.

Of course i have documented the way in which my marriage has deteriorated over time. i have spoken of the pain of having to tell your husband you are unfaithful and the difficulties in helping him come to terms with both that and that the things you do with others are not something you want to share with him. As much as possible, i have tried to be honest about who i think i am and my journey to get there.

Last summer i exposed my raw pain and then my joy at finding a new kind of relationship with S. True that after last summer, i was much much more careful about what i wrote and perhaps during that time i was playing a little to the crowd (as it were)

Now though, things are different.

i told Graeme about this place within a few days of us meeting and since then He has read not only what i had previously written but everything since. He has begun to use it as a way of gauging how i am feeling about different emotions and He and i discuss what i write.

When i write now, i definitely write for me. i write about me, about my hopes, fears and definitely my feelings. i also write knowing he will read it.

Even so, i often write in the moment. When feeling particularly submissive or even in subspace. While i edit punctuation i never actually significantly change anything i write. As with me as a person, what you see is what you get.

This is a different blog post than the one i intended to write. But after my conversation with Sir this evening it seems appropriate and hey it just came to me!

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Yesterday while this girl was at Sir's house, hubby returned home here. This girl is pleased to say that she feels she handled the situation well and while she has experienced some of his usual self centred texts today she has in the main stayed firm (with help from Sir of course).

A version (not as good as this one) of this song was playing on the radio as this girl drove home from the supermarket. It made this girl think about her weekend with Sir and some of the times they spend together. Perhaps a message in a blog post?

Acknowledging those difficult feelings

In many ways right now,  i am struggling to cope with the feelings that i have allowed seem to emerge from me.

For so long, i have been the strong person, the one who busies herself for so much of the time; managing everyone's lives, controlling, doing things for people. By giving in acknowledging my submission in this way and by seeking to change the way i live my life, difficult and often unwanted feelings are breaking through.

i am happy to be seeing Graeme and to be experiencing the wonderful feelings that go with that. But i am truly sad about the loss of my relationship with hubby. Knowing it is the right thing to do and acknowledging that i no longer love him does not make it easy. This is an area i continue to need to take control in and as i give up that control in other areas that takes immense energy.

i am excited about going away on holiday next week, partly because i need the break and love to go to France, but also because Graeme is coming with me and that will be so much fun. On the other hand i am nervous about the reaction his other love, which i suspect might not be so positive. She and i are chatting more and while in the future we will probably be friends, understandably our feelings for each other more err on the side of jealousy in relation to what each of us has with Him.

It is a long time since i have felt jealous of anyone else in the context of love and relationships. Probably since my hubby had his affair when my son was a baby. But i do acknowledge that is what i feel. The fear i have of being abandoned, of being second best, of some how being excluded from something i want are all part of the jealousy i feel. Plus that jealousy is wrapped up in the loss i currently feel for my marriage. The happiness of others seems all the more prevalent when you feel as i do.

Other feelings include anxiety and uncertainty about the future. Can i really break free and form my own life? Will people continue to support me or will they turn against me? Can i continue to be strong when i need to be or will i just turn into a wreck?

Its not that i think anything bad will really happen to me, it is just that by acknowledging how i feel causes me to lose more of the self control i have so jealously guarded.

i need to go through this difficult time to become the person i want to be and to live my life in the way i need to. But that doesn't make it easy. And yes, i have lots of support. But at times i still feel completely alone.