What the words we use mean to me

Yesterday during my slight melt down, I asked Master what I should blog about. I have been struggling with topics, particularly as some of the things that do bother me, I don't feel comfortable with blogging about in detail here. I know that I should be able to use this as a place to freely speak my mind, but even though it is very similar to a journal, it isn't a private place and I am always mindful of that fact.

This morning Master came back with a suggestion that I blog about the words we use and what they mean to me, thinking about how those meanings have changed. For simplicity of writing style, and no other reason, I am going to write in the first person.

Two and a half years ago I had never given much thought to submission, or to Dominance. I knew very little of the world of BDSM, indeed I had the view that it was predominantly about sex, and kinky sex at that. My life at the time was pretty much free of sex, kinky or otherwise. I felt my life had been one of domestic drudgery. Working hard, essentially doing everything for the family, being there at everyones beck and call. I felt quite unhappy with my lot. I had no understanding that my need to be that person, to serve an other, or indeed others, was part of who I was. I didn't realise that it was possible to provide service, to submit and in return be cared for and to be protected. I knew I wanted to be looked after, I knew that I needed someone to take more control of my life, but I had a husband, and since he wasn't such a bad man, I thought that was my lot in life.

A few times in the past 5 or 6 years, I have played online. Until early 2012 though, I had never actually been in a BDSM chat room and encountered the Dominant / submission dynamic. Something drew me there and once it did, I found it felt like home. I began reading all I could online and then bought books which told me more about it. I met S almost simultaneously. There was never a question in my mind that I was submissive and the more I read, the more we chatted, the greater the pull was. The sex offered by S was kinky, and I was as keen to explore that part of me as he was. It was part of the BDSM 'thing' as far as I could see then; the submission came alongside.

Fast forward to now and I recognise that within a relationship sex is very important. For me now, kinky sex is what I need, not to say that any sex isn't something I love. It is. But what I know now is that submission isn't about sex per say. Submission is something deeply held. A feeling, a need, a desire. It is what makes me feel like a whole person. It isn't about kneeling, about physical restraint, it isn't about calling my Dominant by a particular name. It is just who I am. 

It never crossed my mind until recently that I might even identify with slave rather than submissive. I am still not certain, why I increasingly believe that to be the case. In the past I had a negative view of what that might mean given what I knew of the history of slavery past and present. But knowing that it is possible to consent to being someone's property, their slave, actually gives me a sense that I could be fulfilled in a way I never imagined. That I could offer all of myself to another, and that person could want to take control of every part of me. That I would never again have to retain power over the whole of my life is something that I want and desire. Right now, there is nothing that makes me happier than when Master asks: "who owns you?" and I reply "you do".

How then is this different from the rest of my adult life? I have always felt that I existed only for the benefit of others, but that somehow I received little in return. How is it different to willingly give up, when in the past you felt it was just taken, and what is more, taken for granted by all of those around you. Perhaps it is the knowledge that Master doesn't take. He asks me to give, and once it is given, He retains it. Even though this relationship only started some 5 months ago, it feels like a gradual process. He didn't demand, I gave willingly, and the more I gave the more I felt I needed to give. At some point (actually a day in May when He was away in the US), we both appeared to realise that I had a need to give up complete control. I had an overwhelming desire to become His slave. 

When Master tells me He owns me, it makes me feel safe and secure. It makes me feel bound, even when not restrained. I call him Master now, freely and in a way I couldn't seem to get used to Sir. He tells me He is my Lord (He loves being called Lord), and He is. To begin with I laughed at the idea of calling Him such a name, but now, the name Lord, is also spoken easily. The knowledge I am His girl, that my name is girl fits easily in my head. At times, I wonder, that I was ever anything else. 

But the names mean nothing without the actions. I called another person Master, though only really in the bedroom (as it were). This is something deeper, more consuming. Being slave (a slave called girl), is now deeply within me. Without His help and guidance, without control, I feel lost. For me, He is my Lord and Master and whether I like it or not (and mostly I do) He owns me, inside and out. 

Pictures from Destiny's Pinterest page

Needing control from a far

I am away for a few days on my own. I say on my own, but actually, although I am here on my own in the apartment, I am really with friends. Last night was a birthday celebration, for someone I have known since I was about 5 years old. She was older, already 13 and as her teenage years progressed she adopted my mum as her 'big sister'/ 'surrogate mum', since, as many of us do, she had relationship problems with her own mum. Mine was younger, with young children. Over the years, I have become closer to her and her own family. Yesterday was her 60th - a young, fun 60. Many friends and family came together and celebrated with her.

I have had great fun. Have chatted, laughed and generally hung out. It has been lovely.

But I have been missing the feeling of control Master has been giving me. Which I think deepened when we were in Lisbon.

Yesterday as I got ready for my night out, my mood dropped and I could easily have just crawled into bed and stayed away from the party. I didn't and I pulled myself together. Late last night though, Master and I skyped and discussed my slight melt down.

There were factors which played in and which seemed to have affected me. Firstly, in the morning, I skyped with His other slave. Consciously and deliberately I offered this opportunity, since face to face is less likely to be misunderstood than text. Plus the timing suited us both - me at the beginning, she at the end of the day. I came away feeling that we had had a good chat, and we did. But there were a few things that played on my mind all day. A certain sense of trying to get one up on me, which may or may not be the case. Whatever, it played on my mind during the day.

Second, was the constant contact from the man who remains my husband in the legal sense. When I am home, days can go by without any contact at all. Even when he spends an evening at home, little meaningful conversation goes on. But when I am here, especially if alone, he does not leave me alone! Text after text come through, and if I don't respond then he sends another. Each text I send from France, costs money, so to be frank, I would rather only contact those I wish to and that doesn't include him.

These two things were sufficient to wind me up enough that I had my mini crisis as I showered and changed for the evening. Add to that the fact I bombarded Master with a good 6 or 7 texts, which were to be frank a little bratty, with no response and you have a girl who needs some guidance and yes, control.

As we sat across France from each other, He told me that He could see I need the control from Him. We talked about how I need to manage those outside influences. We talked about the fact that He doesn't mind if I bombard Him with texts, so long as I know He isn't going to respond to my bratty rants. I already knew that at the time mind you.

He asked me who I am and who I belong to - I am this girl and she belongs to Him, Master. When away from Him, they are the two things to keep in mind. Plus, to act in a way that He would want me to.

Today, He wants me to turn off my phone. I plan to do that - to have it with me, but to turn it off while I go about my day - to the local market soon and then to the beach. Tomorrow I leave for home and tomorrow night I can feel His control in person.

Image from For the Love of a Submissive

Looking back, looking forward

On 24th January I wrote this:

I think the first thing to say is that I really want (and need) is to be allowed to explore my submissive side. I want (and need) a dominant man who can help me do that. I am tired of making quite so many decisions for myself and for everyone around me and I really would like the opportunity to hand some of that over for at least some of the time. I would like to be told that I should like to be told that I am expected to dress in a certain way, to keep myself shaved, to behave in a particular way and to be made to spend some time thinking about my submission. I am not saying I want to be a 24/7 submissive, but to be given the opportunity to consider how much of my time is spent submitting to someone else is something I would like to have.

I want to be someones sexual object. To be made to push my sexual and other boundaries. I want to be expected to kneel, to worship. I want to be made to feel that they are the only one that matters and through those feelings to be aroused.

I want boundaries within which I should live my life. I want to be punished when I wilfully break rules. I want and need control.

In turn I want to be cared for, to be loved and to be made to feel wanted.

At the time, my relationship with Steve had finally ended. Even though i thought i was confused about what i wanted, perhaps deep down i knew. 

A day or two later, i first encountered Master online and 8 days later we met for the first time.

Earlier this week, Master and i were chatting about this blog. It was worrying me that perhaps i have less to say these days. i was worried that perhaps that might be a problem. Ok, so there have been concerns about the poly dynamic recently, but to be frank without making this into place where i just moan there is little point in spending my life either worrying or writing about that issue. Anyway this is my blog, and so giving space to my issues with her wouldn't help me, let alone anyone else. Unless of course it is to discuss the effect that has on my life, His life, or our life. 

He suggested that over the past few weeks, there has been a change in the way i am coping with life in general. That i am calmer, more measured in my approach to problems. Until He mentioned that, i hadn't really considered that to be the case. But yes it is true. He suggested i look back to the beginning of this year to see how i was then. It was while reading those posts that i came upon the excerpt above. 

The things i knew about my submissive self at the time were undeveloped. But i knew what i wanted and needed. What i have learnt since then has made me essentially into a difficult individual. I now instinctively know i am submissive. I am not afraid any longer to admit that. What is more, i know that i not only do i need to give up control of my life, that it is only by being able to do so for the right Man, that i understand what it means to be submissive.

Last weekend, when lying in bed with Master, i felt my submission was such that i was completely in His control. I felt like my limbs were tied, even though they were free. I was barely able to speak, even though no one had gagged me in anyway. What is more, i felt completely calm, happy and at ease. That is what submission has given me. It is less than 6 months since i wrote the post above, but it seems i have found what i was looking for then.

Friday - Highs

This weekend has been a bit about highs and lows. But in this post, this girl thinks she should just concentrate on the highs. Maybe tomorrow, or later in the week, she will feel the need to discuss the lows. But right now, what good would that do?

This girl has had a long, three day, weekend. The whole, 4 day working week thing is just what thing girl needed. Even if, as happened this week, she doesn't get as much sleep as she would like, this girl is still able to catch up pretty quickly. Plus there is the advantage of having more time to do the chores around the house. Even better, is the fact that on her day off, a girl can have lunch with a friend and spend the afternoon and evening with her Master. 

This girl loves the fact that she has met such wonderful people since discovering her submission. People like my lovely girlfriend, who i lunched with on Friday. Never before has this girl had someone who she can tell everything to. Plus in return receive some amazing and pretty unbiased advice. It is also lovely to see this girl's friend growing as she is, exploring new things, building friendships and actually having fun on the way. That of course what life is about, surely.

Then off to meet Master. To visit a London gallery that both excited and depressed us both in one go. This girl loves how Master has the knowledge about art, history and art history. But, it is clear that at times we are equal in our knowledge that some London galleries and museums are bizarre in the way they think ordinary people want to view the artwork available. Of course, this girl is naive in her knowledge, but has, over the past couple of years spent a lot of time wandering round these places and instinctively knows when things are right or wrong. Master is not naive, so it is good to know this girl's instincts are generally on the right track.

After dinner, we headed back to Master's place. It is important to note, that since the whole 'no luggage in Lisbon' thing, this girl can now just travel 'avec tooth brush and hair brush' and stay over (though face cream is going to be added for the future). Also, glasses are also carried (contact lens solution now resides at Master's house).

Back at His house, He gave this girl a new and to be frank, expected, toy. A new Mr Steel Butt plug. What is more, this is a serious plug, two sizes larger than the original!  (one that this girl wears as she writes this post). It was a warm evening, so without any instruction this girl stripped off (obviously that was the only reason).

The world cup is still in action, so Master used the opportunity to watch the football and also play with His girl. This involved demanding several orgasms with, from what this girl can remember, minimal effort on His part - a touch here, a pinch there, a slap here, a suck there. Then he took that very large plug and pushed it into this girl's cunt. At the time, this girl considered, that if it felt like it did in her cunt, what would it feel like inside her rectum; now she knows.

The football was of course interesting, but to be frank, an early start, a full cunt and multiple orgasms, relaxed this girl to the extent that she had a snooze during the second half. But once this girl and Master retired to bed, she was much more alert for the wonderful time they both had. This girl drifted to sleep again, one hell of a happy girl. On such a high.

Dealing with the relationships

When I started the relationship with Master, I knew about His slave. But since we were getting together predominantly to play, and maybe just go out together. We would provide company to each other, during a difficult time for us both. She seemed happy with the arrangement. We all discussed the whole poly thing, but to be frank none of us really saw what was coming.

Over the last 5 months (yesterday was the anniversary of our first meeting), things have developed. There is something special between us that at times, for me feels over whelming. The nature of a D/s relationship, the trust and the control add something that conventional relationships don't necessarily have. Add to that the elements present during play, add in even the nature of the sex itself. This was never going to be about playing and keeping each other company. You can be sure it isn't.

What I didn't realise though was the intensity of the relationship between Master's other girl and Him. This is not to say I shouldn't have realised, since I already understood their future plans. But I was caught up in the moment.

She and I have communicated on and off for most of the past 5 months. We are friends on Facebook and message each other there or on Skype. But both find this a challenge. We both say things that upset the other, and then that leads to difficulties not just for us, but also for Master too who is the one to pick up the pieces. Of course, you might say He got Himself into this, which He did. But still, it is the reality.

What is apparent to me though, and to Him, is that I am a little more vulnerable that people might imagine. My demeanour, my words, suggest someone in control of herself and her emotions. But the enormity of some of the issues going on in my life mean that appearances can be deceptive. Add in the fact that I am still learning to be the kind of submissive I need to be, and that He wants of me and at times I feel like a gibbering wreck. A careless word, a photo on Fetlife and I am reading all kinds of things into the meaning - even if there probably isn't one to find.

I am going to try to step back a little from my relationship with her again. I don't want to cause offence, but at the moment I need to consider myself.

I don't know what the future will bring for any or all of us. But for the moment, I am happy in the relationship I have. I know I need to concentrate on being the person I want and need to be and in serving the Man who is my Master. Concentrate too on what I can manage and control and what should be controlled in me.

Challenges

Knowing that i return to work today after a week off, i was always going to sleep less well than of late. It was a night when i had no calming hand from Master and it was a night when i had more than enough hot flushes.

But it was the visitor who arrived in the house, and bedroom at 4.35am (according to the digital clock) that prevented good quality sleep before his arrival and any sleep at all afterwards.

My first challenge, going forward is to stop this happening every Monday and Tuesday morning.

This week my son and I are off to Ikea this week to buy him some new bedroom furniture. I will then move his current bed into the spare room and that will become hubby's bedroom when he is here.

Next, there are a few bits of decorating to be done and then I really do need to move to the next phase, since ending the marriage necessitates selling the house.

My son said yesterday that he will be happy to move with me to wherever I go if he is not ready to move out to his own flat. He also offered to speak to his dad about the way he comes and goes. I just love the way that boy has grown into such a lovely young man. But no, any conversations about his dad and I need to be had by us. I need to maintain my new found calm and resolve to do so though.

.............................

While we were away, Master and i discussed ways in which we might more openly display the nature of our relationship in the future. Thinking about the challenges ahead for me, i really do need to have those boundaries and rules set. i also think i need something other than my piercings that tells me and others, who i am. 

Even when He is not here, i feel His influence in everything i do. But i know that as the days go by, i need some ways to refocus my mind and body so that i can continue to serve Him and to make Him pleased with me even during those difficult times. 

A good place

This girl feels very calm right now.

She has spent most of the last week with her Master and has been subject to His calming influence and to His power and control. This girl has made few decisions, and when she has, they have been in the knowledge that He isn't far away. Even today when we have been apart, He hasn't been far from this girl's thoughts and that helps keep her on the right path.

This morning, shortly after waking, Master took possession of this girl. He had already instructed her to give Him a number of orgasms and then He took her arse for the first time in a few weeks. It was a fitting end to a wonderful week. This girl can still feel where He has been, as she writes this blog post over 12 hours later.

The challenge now, as this girl returns to work tomorrow and encounters the stresses of both work and home, is to maintain this calm feeling. To prevent that feeling of happiness falling away too quickly and not allow those who may cause this girl to feel anxious and doubt herself from doing so.

Today this girl was complimented by her dad on the way she handled one or two put down comments from her mum. In the past this girl was quick to react to such comments, but today she acted differently. She acted instead, in the way she and Master have discussed. She felt proud. Of the comments, and that if Master had been there, that He would have been pleased with her.

This girl has a number of things she needs to focus on in the coming months to make the changes that are necessary to her life. She knows that being calm and organised is part of the key to being successful in making these changes. She knows that she needs to make something of a plan. She needs Master's help in doing this and in helping keep her on track.

This girl needs to learn how to keep within this good place even when she and Master aren't together, even when He can't see her. That is the challenge.

Rediscovering that special space

It is weeks since this girl has been in a seriously submissive place. Well until last night that it. Don't get me wrong, this girl has had some wonderful sex with Master since He returned from His travels. Plus last Sunday morning there was a little play session. But on other days over the past 3 weeks, this girl has struggled, as has Master. There has been a lot going on for us both when it has come to life in general and to other people in our lives. Last night though, Master visited this girl in her own home. We ate dinner, we drank wine and we chatted. We also watched TV - mainly the world cup which is almost compulsory for us Brits.

Later in the evening this girl, who was only wearing a little summer dress anyway, stripped naked for Master. As He played with His girl,  she became more and more aroused. As is often the case, the memory of events are a little blurred (and not just because of the wine), but there were a lot of orgasms taken from this girl and given to Master. This girl would call them forced, except it didn't seem to take much for Master to take them from her. They involved His hands, a very cold beer bottle and then most amazingly His mouth. This girl felt all sense of reality leave her as she found herself floating to a special place she hadn't been for a while. Subspace.

Master called this girl a number of names while she was there. He told her that she was His piece of fuck meat, His to use. This girl just agreed. She was and is His to own and use as He wishes and she feels blessed that He chose to use her in that way last night. To take her to a place where she was just girl and He was just Master.

This morning in bed, Master fucked His girl's cunt and then she was rewarded with a mouthful of His cock and then His seed.

This afternoon this girl finds herself in a better mental and physical place than she has inhabited for weeks.  This girl knows too that she can inhabit that place for the next week. Tomorrow we leave for our time away.

Back next weekend.

Letting go

The last couple of weeks have been both wonderful and a little odd for this girl. On the one hand, she has been lucky enough to see lots of Master, times in bed, a little play and out having a good time together. But on the other, Master and this girl had not discussed the whole Master / slave situation. He asked this girl to become His slave when He was thousands of miles away and straight away she knew it was what she wanted, needed even. A couple of new rituals were introduced, but other than that little changed.

Yesterday, despite having been with Master the previous evening and going to bed feeling really happy and relaxed, this girl got up with a real knot in her insides. The feelings of anxiety were, she knew, about some unsaid things between she and Master. It is not as if there won't be time to say those things in the next few days, especially given that this girl and Master are off away for a few days at the weekend. But for some reason the feelings of anxiety and even distress grew.

Last night, at last (not really many hours, but a long time when your insides are in knots), this girl and Master discussed her submission and some important things about their relationship with each other. This girl was able to describe what her submission means to her and what she needs from Him. She was also able to say how she feels both when they are together and when apart.

In Master's presence, this girl is able to trust implicitly in Him. She relaxes in His presence in a way she doesn't any where else right now. His very touch is enough to calm, His look enough to stop her words and even outside thoughts. His commands have an immediate effect. She feels that she is totally and completely owned by Him and happy with everything about that.

Most of the time when not together, this girl feels fine. She still knows who owns her and increasingly she goes about her life considering what He would think of what she was doing. Choices are increasingly made on that basis. This is particularly true in the way this girl acts and behaves with others. She is increasingly mindful of what He would say if He were present, would he tell her she was a good girl, or maybe being a little bratty?

From time to time though, and yesterday was like a bolt from the blue, this girl feels like a rug has been pulled from under her and that she needs Him to catch her from falling. Of course yesterday He wasn't there, it was some time before He knew there was anything wrong, and even if He had known He probably wouldn't have known He needed to do anything at all, if indeed He could.

Master and this girl discussed these feelings and possible causes. This girl is currently going through the menopause, and it seems likely that this is a major factor. But on top of this, it is clear that this girl was anxious about some things she would like to influence, perhaps even control, but actually doesn't need to. External factors to this girl's life. Things that will happen whether or not this girl intervenes. Things that actually this girl has no real right or need to intervene in. They discussed this girl's need to let go of those things and to let what happens, just, happen.

This girl has been someone who tried to control and influence, even when those things were neither asked for or desired. It is part of that need to help, to nurture, to make people happy.

In truth the only people this girl needs to make happy are herself, a very small circle of family and most importantly her Master. That is what this girl will focus on for now.

At the weekend Master and this girl will discuss some more contractual things about their relationship. But right now all this girl needs to know is how much this girl is cared for and what she needs to do to please Him.

Random Sunday thoughts

Though I haven't necessarily articulated it in this way, I have often felt and said that finding my submission often makes me feel that the rug has been pulled from me. I know I am on a journey somewhere, but don't really yet understand the destination. I am clear that submission for me is a better place than the one I inhabited before, and I am also clear that a half hearted attempt at submission, such as just in the bedroom is not an option for me.

I guess though, that I really never understood how difficult this journey would be.

I always felt reasonably assured in myself before. Confident in what I needed to do. That was partly because I rarely let anyone see the part of myself that is hidden to others, let alone the one that is hidden to me too. That sadly includes my husband of 30 years. I built a wall, one that was practically impenetrable. But a wall that is gradually being dismantled.

Things that I would have brushed aside, now concern me greatly - what people think, the deeper meaning within words, the reality that I feel nervous, fragile, sometimes unable to cope with ordinary life.

I seek assurance in a way that I never thought I would. I feel the need to try to understand the future in a way that I never did before, and frankly can't even be determined.

This is partly to do with the fact I am in the process of so many endings. But also because of the reality that I have embarked on a relationship where I don't yet know what is expected of me. Nothing yet is clear. Where as in the past I always thought I was allowing things just to happen, in reality, I was controlling them. Suddenly I feel I need clarity, but don't control how that emerges. I need rules, perimeters and to understand my place, but don't really know how to make that happen.

I know I need to let go much more, but am finding doing so really hard. I need His help, His support and His care. But I also need to have it spelt out a little more explicitly.

30 days of submission revisited 17-21

17) What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Trust is an extremely important aspect of this girl's relationship with Master. The trust that this girl needs to have that He will care for her and keep her safe from harm is part of that. But since this girl is part of a three way polyamorous relationship, means that the need for trust is an even greater issue. While this girl writes these words, Master is 6000 miles away in bed with His other slave. That knowledge is something that this girl is coming to terms with much more and is an area where she must trust Him to manage both relationships in a way that is best for us all. 

As this girl gives more to Master, in terms of herself, her body and mind then the need to trust Him increases. This process is happening over time and requires trust in Him, it also requires that she trust her own instincts and give herself totally to Him.

18) Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Master encourages this girl to communicate her needs and her feelings. He is also very happy to hear her opinion (most of the time). But, this girl has discovered that while He definitely listens, and hears her point of view, He then makes His own decision on what is best. This girl trusts that He will take her feelings in to account when making decisions on the things they do and if He takes a different view to hers, it will be the right one. That of course, doesn't always stop this girl from arguing but she knows who has the final word.

19) How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

This girl has one special real life friend she met through Fetlife who she sees regularly and whom has become a great source of support. We meet every couple of months, but email most weeks. We confide in each other and have supported each other through one or two difficulties. This girl has a newer friend, destiny, who she met through both her Master and hers, via Alt.com. We have not yet been able to meet in person, but have been chatting on Skype regularly. This has happened as both of our Masters are far away from us right now. We will definitely keep those chats up once my Master gets back and hope to meet in the not too distance future when she visits the UK. This girl also has a couple of people who she has 'met' through this blog. People who this girl communicates with by email and who have similar experiences to her own. This girl is really pleased that she now has some people in her life who she can support and be supported by through this journey. For now, that feels like enough on top of that of her Master. 
 
20) Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

This girl's submission has increased over the past 4 months, thanks to the guidance of her Master and the support of friends. This girl is learning to accept and embrace her submission in a way she never thought was possible. She accepts that she has lots to learn still and loves that Master has accepted the role of teacher in this area of her life. After He returns home this week, this girl is sure that there will be some discussion about the next steps in her submission and their relationship as a whole. This girl is looking forward to that.

21) Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Any position in which Master asks this girl to display herself to Him makes her feel more submissive. Also stripping off her clothes for Him has the same effect. Indeed, stripping off and spending time naked also helps. This girl has been doing a bit of that this last couple of weeks when at home alone.

Each morning this girl stands in front of her mirrored wardrobe and tells the reflection who she is and who owns her. That ritual helps this girl to feel more submissive too.

Vulnerability and emotions

I have rarely been the kind of person to show my vulnerable side, to let people see that I hurt. Indeed in recent years, even when falling apart inside, I rarely cried. People were more likely to see me display other emotions such as irritation or anger. Often people may have wrongly labelled me and definitely people have found me a little unapproachable, scary even.

Over the course of many years, I have built barriers around me. Scared that by showing my vulnerabilities people would see me as weak and unable to cope with the normal problems life throws at you.

Slowly though, with the help of friends and of my Master, those barriers, walls even are coming down. For someone not necessarily used to the feelings that accompany this, I am finding that I am more fearful than perhaps I was. Fearful of allowing my more vulnerable side to show when I don't really want or need that to happen. In the past I rarely cried, I hardly ever felt close to tears, now it almost feels that they are just waiting there all of the time.

Yesterday morning, after an almost sleepless night - the knowledge hubby was about to reappear after several days away, too much thinking on my part, a feeling that my productive weekend hadn't quite been fun enough, while Master was off enjoying His - I got into the shower. Suddenly and without warning I started to cry. While the water washed off of my body, tears ran down my face. For a few seconds, I felt stupid. What did I have to cry about? But then, I just let it happen, let my anxieties and fears fall away. After drying myself, I stood in front of the mirror naked and re-marked myself. I told my reflection out loud that this girl, this slut, belongs to her Master (this is a new rule), and tried to get those negative thoughts from my head. Suddenly I felt stronger. More able to face the day. There is definitely something about reaffirming to myself that I am owned by Him that helps me. Added to this the text I received from Him reaffirming that I am not completely alone helped me feel ready to face the day. A coffee which I grabbed on the way into work helped wake up my brain and face a day in the office.

Last evening after work, I got my time with Master. We discussed how I have been feeling and again the tears felt close, but didn't emerge. Just seeing him and feeling His support and understanding of my needs made me feel stronger. It wasn't that I didn't feel I shouldn't cry if I needed to, it was that suddenly I didn't need to.

I am vulnerable right now, and I acknowledge that. But with the support of my friends and my Master I will emerge stronger and more able to deal with what life throws at me, perhaps without seeming unapproachable or in the least scary!

Blog Tour

i so love the idea of a blog tour,  a chance to show people around here and then to point them in the direction of more blogs - those that have nominated and others that i love to read.

Personally i like to think of us in the dream machine (though it actually seems to be called the mystery machine), with shaggy and scooby-doo and that blond guy, but that's another story. Personally i am more velma than the good looking slim one, but then no doubt velma is the interesting one!

i was invited on this tour by my good friend destiny, her blog Reclaiming "destiny" is just a few weeks old, but already she has shown she has some profound things to say about her thoughts and feelings about her Master and her position as slave to Him. Secondly i was nominated by BetsyT, her blog My life as a sexually submissive woman speaks to me in a many ways.

I recommend both blogs to anyone who doesn't already visit regularly and read their regular posts.

What is behind this Blog Tour?
It's pretty simple. Answer the 4 questions about yourself and post the answers on your blog page and then invite a few other bloggers that you admire to join in on the fun and include links to their blogs on their page.

What am i working on at the moment?
It is only a week ago that i accepted my Master's offer to become his slave. He is currently away so there is lots to be worked on here. Once He gets back in a week or so, i am sure that i will be given much to consider. But already i am thinking about how i give myself to Him completely and allow Him to take complete control of me. 

What is more, this is a polyamorous relationship, so there is much to be worked on there. This will be ongoing for some time to come.

Why do i write what i do?

First and foremost i write for myself. To better understand myself and how i feel about situations. This is my submissive journey and a way to document my progress. I am going through some significant life changes, so again i write to allow reflection on that process. More recently i write to allow my thoughts to come to Master's attention so that He and i can consider and discuss them in a safe place. Finally I do occasionally write so that others can find out something about me. Such as this tour. 

How does the process work?

Usually i consider themes or titles during the course of the day, whether when at work, commuting or lying in bed. Then i often begin to construct sections in my head, though that often changes. Sometimes though I have something burning inside me, I sit down and just write.

Usually i write what comes to mind, then spend some time editing and publish. Then i go back and re-edit any typos etc.

Only once have i sent my post to another - this weekend, i consulted with Master about yesterday's post but only so i could be sure i had the right balance. This is a place where what i write are my own thoughts and nothing written here can ever be a source of punishment. Occasionally I start a post and finish later, but more often than not i write quickly since as mentioned the words are already there to flow.

3 bloggers to invite along that i admire, read and identify personally with:

My lovely friend "pig" (as lovingly described by her Master) from Thoughts from His Slut

abby from Finally finding me

little from willing slut

Priorities

My 300th post, who would have imagined just over 2 years ago, I would reach this milestone.

This girl has been thinking about priorities, about who in her life deserves to come first when she has more than one thing she may need to do at a time. What takes priority, indeed who takes priority?

This girl spent a short time with her Master last evening here, morning for Him. It wasn't easy to talk, he was preparing to leave the hotel He has been staying in and His slave was with Him. But He has given this girl the time as she had expressed that today and the days till Friday would be difficult for her. Master would like to chat around 10am His time, but that is when this girl gets in from work and usually cooks dinner.

After this girl came off line, she felt that somehow she was doing something wrong. Luckily she was able to chat things through with her friend destiny, who asked this girl about her needs and those of her Master. This girl was clear that meeting Master's needs would be her preference and by doing that, she meets her own. This girl hasn't seen her son since Thursday and her husband has just made his regular very early in the morning appearance. Will they suffer unduly if they are made to wait for their dinner, or heaven forbid asked to prepare it themselves? Will this girl feel good if she is unable to speak to her Master just because she didn't put Him first? The answer of course is no. If her Master would like to speak to her when she gets home tonight then she will be ready for Him. He is her priority now.

This girl's submissive education continues and this blog continues past the 300 mark.

Service

The area relating to service is day 11 of the 30 days of submission. I am devoting a whole post to this question because in this girl's opinion this is the area that there has been the greatest shift in understanding about the role of the submissive / slave. The question is:

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you? 

This is what this girl wrote last time:

Our relationship is not about me providing any kind of service for Him other than that i am there to serve His cock. Our time together is precious; there isn't nearly enough of it. So most of that time is spent doing the things that have previously been described in this series of posts - those things have a high level of sexual content and / or involve me submitting myself to being humiliated.  So i guess that f there is service it is sexual. 

I would happily submit to elements of serving my Sir, but he has said many times that He doesn't want me to prepare him food or drink, clear up after him or to provide any kind of grooming task. Luna KM has a great article on the meaning behind service here, and it is clear from reading it that this is not me and it is not what He wants. 


This girl has learned over the last few months that while providing sexual service is very very important, service for a person who is in a submissive relationship is not necessarily just about that. Instead service for the submissive is about so much more, and this girl is just beginning to get that message.

Master is interested in every aspect of this girl's life. What is more, He is interested in knowing and helping her understand that everything this girl does within her life should relate directly back to her submission. Further more that any task this girl undertakes in any context is undertaken for his pleasure. In short this girl provides service to her Master in every aspect of her life.

Ok, so this has been a transitional week for this girl. She started as submissive and ended as slave.  But this girl is not sure that matters since she already understood the concept. But it was not something she understood at all in 2012.

In 2014 this girl expects to give sexual service, that pretty much goes without saying.

But on top of that she will serve her Master in whatever way He wishes. She embraces that everything she does is a reflection on Him and that when she undertakes a home or work based task she does that task with Him in mind. Master believes that taking this approach helps this girl focus and by focusing being more effective and achieving much more. When it is evident that she has carried out His wishes in this way, He is pleased with her and tells her so.

That makes this girl very happy indeed. 

Thoughts for a Saturday morning

At last this girl got to chat with her Master again last night. As she did so, she marvelled at the delights of Skype. Indeed this girl spent a lot of time on Skype last night since afterwards she also chatted to her friend destiny, but more of that later.

For a while, this girl chatted to Master fully clothed, even though He wasn't - but then he hadn't actually got dressed yet. This girl told Him about her day and other events. Eventually this girl asked Him about their conversation on Tuesday. The conversation when they discussed this girl's status as His submissive and when He asked her if she was ready to be His slave.

This girl was instructed to show Him her mark, which of course she did. He seemed pleased with it, even though it seemed to have worn off a bit during the day, despite the apparent permanent ink. At this point she also took off her top, she hadn't actually been wearing much anyway. Master quizzed this girl about the things she had been doing and the extent to which she felt that they were carried out for Him - this is something this girl wrote about yesterday on her journey page - she told him how much that was the case and described some examples. They also discussed a blog post this girl is going to write later, one which is difficult for this girl to do and which became one of her tasks for today. This girl imagines that He loves a slave who works out her own tasks! The second one will be more physical and was set by Him. It is to do with the final clear out of the spare room, one which can mean that this girl removes hubby from the marital bed once and for all.

Master knows that while this job was started last week, this girl might continue to procrastinate for a while if He did not suggest that she get on with it. What is more, pretty much telling her to get on with it this weekend is important. If this girl wants to be His slave then she knows that she needs to do it. She also knows this is part of His way of moving her along towards the marriage end, and this is something this girl really needs to happen now.

Finally this girl and Master got onto the topic of orgasms. She is now allowed to have as many orgasms as she needs until He returns from his trip, but is expected to tell him about them after (this girl has further clarified that details are required which will be fun). This girl wondered if she should restrict the orgasms going forward, but the look on His face told her that this was not what He wanted. This girl knows that actually Master believes it is good for His girl to orgasm as she needs to and this girl feels that she might have an increased need after all. It is just she needs to be mindful of the piercings so as not to become too sore.

This girl then spent a wonderful couple of hours with her friend destiny. We two girls are starting to get to know each other well and at present are both separated from our Masters. This girl is finding having someone like destiny around is becoming important to her, especially as they can offer each other a slightly different perspective and understanding on their submission to each other. While we are very different people in terms of our personalities, we are trying to get to the same point. This girl is learning to be less overpowering to people (though she didn't ever necessarily feel the confidence she seems to show), while destiny is learning to have greater confidence to take more control over certain aspects of her life. This girl thinks that the friendship they are beginning to share will only grow as time goes on.

Now this girl had better get out of bed and on with the tasks she must do today. After all she wants to know what her Master is pleased with her and that she is a good girl. His good girl.

Master's slut

This girl has been instructed to make a new mark on herself:

The small mound of hair is being grown specially for this girl's Master, at His request.

Belonging to Him

This girl spend a lovely hour or more with Sir, by the virtue of the wonders of the internet. It was good to see Him and to speak with Him. They chatted about what they had both been doing and about her submission. He told her that He wished He was with His girl right then. She couldn't even begin to express how much she wished that were the case.

This girl retired to bed shortly afterwards. She lay in bed, with her plug inserted. Sir thinks this girl is ready for the next size of plug, she thinks he may be right. The combination of the plug and the clit piercing gave this girl a wonderful feeling that immediately helped her to not only touch her submission, but snuggle into its warm embrace. A larger plug might just enhance that feeling.

For a while this girl lay reading her book, absently fondling the nipples that she knows belong to Him.  Since the piercings, those nipples are much more sensitive even to this girl's own touch. As she stroked, so she squeezed her anal muscles and she felt the already wet pussy, His pussy, begin to moisten further. She put down the book and snuggled down further into the bed and began to stroke around the piercing. She played with the little bar across the hood and she applied pressure directly to the cit. All the time she was thinking of Him, imagining that it was His fingers touching her. The orgasm was almost immediate, and it took her a little by surprise. Under her breath, she told Him that it belonged to Him. That she belonged to Him. Then whispering she spoke - It is yours Master.

Communication in relationships - is D/s different?

Yesterday, after visiting my parents - my dad is feeling a little stronger now, even though he will need some radiotherapy on his back after all - I spent time with my sister in law.

In truth she is an ex, since she and my brother are no longer married. She is in another relationship now, one where there has been a great deal of lying by omission. We spent 3 hours and I drank 3 cups of coffee (something I never usually do these days) discussing and analysing both our marriages and her current relationship. The common theme was a lack of communication, or an inability to find a common way to communicate with each other. The difficulties I have experienced in trying to communicate effectively with hubby are well documented here and so I won't repeat myself. But I have been wondering about the common threads for us both and how, if at all they are different in my current relationship with Sir.

My brother caused my sister in law great pain. He was unfaithful, he became addicted to cocaine and in order to support that habit he spent a great deal of money that they didn't have. He lied. In the end she called a halt to things and he left. Soon after she got together with someone she had known before her marriage. 5 years on, while he spends most nights with her, he also spends part of each day at a home that he shares with his sister. She apparently suffers from severe depression and he feels a great responsibility for her care. The problem is that my sister in law is desperate for him to prioritise her, and to commit to her. He has omitted to tell her the reasons he feels so responsible for his sister, whose call he always jumps to, often without telling his partner. The  means he may go out for half an hour, and not return for hours or longer. No matter how hard she tries she can't get to the root of the problem, and she can't get him to articulate his long term intentions. She fears that if she does nothing, in another 5 years she will be in the same position. We agreed that the thought processes and actions of the men in our lives often puzzle us and that somehow it left us feeling like failures.

Driving home though, I began to think about the past 3 months with Sir. About how open we have needed to be about ourselves and our needs. About how well we need to know and trust each other. In particular how much I need to be able to trust him in order to submit to him and to release myself into his care. Of course, this still feels a little one sided, since in order to be his submissive I have opened myself up much more than perhaps he has. To a certain extent he has tried to protect me from his other relationship, but bit by bit details do emerge. The ability to try not to judge what is revealed to you seems important, though very very hard at times. Especially when you know what it is you want, but also know that might not be what you have to accept in the end.

Sometimes it feels we have known each other for so much longer than 3 months and that is something both of us keep reminding the other of. But the depth of understanding and of trust in our relationship already feels greater than hers after 5 years. The other sad thing is, that while my brother is now clean and is in a new relationship too, that isn't very happy either. I can't help thinking that this couple could have remained together and in love if only there had been more honesty and understanding of each others needs. What I do know is that none of them have fulfilment in their lives and that is sad.

Despite my problems, and the uncertainty about my longer term relationship with Sir, I feel submission is bringing me a freedom to communicate in a way that can only be positive and help me be the person I want to be and in a relationship that is right. In the end I will have inner peace and happiness, but will they?

Getting this girl back on track

The last week has felt a long one, but this girl is determined that over the course of this weekend she will be back on track in all areas. Last evening this girl had the pleasure of speaking on Skype to her Master, all be it over a very dodgy hotel wifi system. This happened pretty much as soon as this girl had returned from work and put her into a very happy place for the rest of the evening and hopefully for the whole weekend. We chatted mainly about this girl and how she has coped this week. Also about the various tensions in this girl's life right now and how she is managing them. It is amazing that just by seeing His face and hearing His voice, this girl felt so much more settled. Essentially he could have been reading a book to her and she would have felt happy afterwards.

Filled with joy at having spent time with Him, this girl wanted to tell someone, but since no one was home there was no one to share her experience with. Until a little later that was when this girl had the pleasure of a Skype conversation with destiny. This girl has recently become friends with both destiny and her Master, and over the past week they have both been on hand to help this girl through some of her darker moments. It was great then to share such a happy one with destiny. She has written about the parallels and differences of our journeys on her blog.

Last night for the first time in ages this girl went to bed wearing her plug, and then when she briefly woke at 4am and didn't seem able to fall back to sleep she gave her master the orgasm she had requested earlier in the evening. Using a vibe over the clit is different since the piercing, this girl can report. The area is more sensitive and in fact for a little time, this girl had to keep moving the vibe away, but once in place it gave a wonderful deep orgasm which Sir would love to have seen. It also helped this girl then sleep well for the second part of the night.

Having just finished a leisurely breakfast and coffee in bed, this girl is now heading off for a bath and shave. After which she intends to re-mark herself - she admitted to Sir that she had let the original fade. Then she intends to wear her plug as she goes about her chores today to help her remember her submission and to think about her Master.

Hopefully then this girl is back in the right mood, and back where she should be.