Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Loving our lurkers

I have to admit that I hadn't planned to post here again, but hey, never say never.

Moving blog has meant I have lost both followers and those who stop by to read what I write. Circumstances meant I needed to be a little coy about my new whereabouts; these things happen.

But since this place still exists, I know that people still call by, lurk and perhaps read. No matter what any of us says, we don't just write for our own pleasure and what is more, we all started off as lurkers (I certainly did). It was the blogs of some of the other submissives around blog land than gave me the confidence to start this blog. They also helped me realise the person I was and wanted to be.

So, for those who still call by, thank you. The comments are always open, so please say something if you would like.

I have moved to here (it seems less important to keep it a complete secret now), feel free to lurk there. Or even better come and contribute, comment or become a follower. I am missing you! I really do love those who lurk!

Wednesday, 17 September 2014


After much consideration I have decided to move my blog. The reasons for this have been described over a long period of time, in the posts below.

I need to be able to blog freely. To feel that this is my place, somewhere that is mine.

I have contacted some of the people who visit here regularly but find that this is fraught with difficulty. Many of you, not surprisingly keep your contact details so well hidden that I have found it impossible to reach you.

If you wish to know where to find me then email me at and I will point you to where you need to go.

Of course, you won't be disappointed.

I will delete and close this blog in a few weeks time - all my posts are at the new place.

Meanwhile, thank you for reading and good bye from world of joolz. You have all helped me on my journey and hopefully will continue to do so.

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

Just when there is more BDSM in my life than ever

I am not sure I am free to express what is in my heart, my mind and my body.

I may soon have to move this blog.

Because I don't want to go private.

Monday, 8 September 2014


I found a new blogger via Abby, today. Ok so I am late to Han Van Meegeren's party, but better late than never.

These questions have appeared on his site, and been answered by Abby and others. Here goes:

  • Kissed a girl? Once, in a kissing a girl sense. Lots of times in a kissing your friends and family kind of way
  • Kissed a boy? Oh yes
  • Had sex in public? In a place that is public, but not in public.
  • What's your religion? Officially Church of England, but I like the spirituality side of things and the music rather than religion itself.
  • What does your URL mean? Joolz was a name I was given when I was younger, and when thinking about this blog and a new kind of lifestyle it seemed right. Now though, I am not sure it quite fits. But it is what my blog is called.
  • Reason you joined blogland? I have blogged for years. Firstly about work and life generally and then here. My blogs have always been about me being able to express myself. A way of recording my thoughts and feelings. 
  • Do you have any nicknames? Jools / Joolz when younger and recently to some people. Master calls me girl (is that a nickname, or just His name for me?)
  • Do you like bubble bath? Yes, very much. I don't have a bath often these days, as a shower is quick and convenient. Now a bubble bath is a luxury!
  • Kissed in the rain? Oh yes
  • Dyed your hair? I have been doing just that while writing this. A good point to go wash it off!

So, several hours have gone by and on with the questions:

  • Soup of salad? Soup in winter, preferably home made, the rest of the time, salad
  • Vegetable or meat? I love vegetables, but couldn't give up meat...
  • Go out drinking? Mainly when having dinner, but since I met Master, I have been out to more bars and pubs than for a long time.
  • Smoke cigarettes? Never
  • Smoke weed? I have lived a sheltered life
  • Do any hard drugs? I am no good with prescription drugs so I doubt I could handle anything recreational
  • Have you had sex today? No, sadly.....
  • Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms? Yes, quite a few times lately.
  • The relationship between you and the person you last texted? He is my Master.
  • Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yes, actually they have. 
  • Skipped homework to play a video game? Occasionally....
  • Tried to commit suicide? No 
  • The last time you felt broken? Last year, July....
  • Had to lie to EVERYONE abut how you felt? Yes, last July...
  • Do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend? Boy....well more a man to be frank.....
  • Do you have long hair or short? Shorter than it was, and I like it.
  • First thing you notice in a girl? Her sense of dress
  • Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes, but Master would win on that one!
  • Do you dance in the car? Only when alone
  • Where were you yesterday? Woke up with Master, spent the afternoon with my parents and slept alone at home.
  • Ever used a bow and arrow? Tried once when a child, I was rubbish!
  • Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Probably at one of my brothers' weddings. Does that count. If wedding photos don't count then when I was at school!
  • Do you think musicals are cheesy? No, and I saw one on Saturday which was fantastic - Guys and Dolls!
  • Is Christmas stressful? Yes when my mother is involved!
  • Favourite type of fruit pie? Apple
  • Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A nurse and I became one.
  • Do you believe in ghosts? Kind of
  • Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes, definitely.
  • Take a vitamin daily? No time for that kind of thing. Fresh fruit, veg etc is better.
  • Wear slippers? In winter. Otherwise bare feet.
  • Wear a bath robe? Sometimes.
  • What do you wear to bed? Nothing.
  • Do you want to get married? Still legally married and no thanks, never again.
  • Can you curl your tongue? Yes
  • How many relationships have you had? Three
  • How can I win your heart? You can't, I am happy as I am for now.
  • What makes a great relationship? Communication, trust and honesty. That and the ability to laugh and not take yourselves too seriously.
  • Shy or open? Shy with new people and strangers, but extroverted with people I know. Having said that, very few know the real me.
  • Religious or non-religious? I am not religious.

Thursday, 4 September 2014


As a nurse I have watched the dying process and I have been with people when they have died. I have cared for people afterwards, washed them, prepared them for their loved ones. I have spent time with those loved ones at all parts of the process. As a nurse, I have cared for people for many weeks, from the time they knew they would die, until the end. What I am realising is, that I was less prepared for the long process of dying than I knew. Especially when that person is your own parent.

I have always been closer to my dad than my mum. She and I have a love hate relationship. I guess we are too similar to really like each other, much as we really do love and care. With dad though, I am the only daughter, and we have spent more time than I can say in discussion. Chatting, analysing and generally putting the world to rights. He has always been there to advise, to support. He has been a tower of strength through some hard times. Suddenly those roles seem to be reversed. Much as I have managed this transition, the complete role reversal is almost too much to bear.

Since last Christmas, we have pretty much known that this is the year that will be his last. The deterioration has been gradual, though at times there have been major problems which made me wonder if things would be more sudden. Instead this process is painful and it is slow. Day by day, week by week, I have watched him waste away. The big, strong man can now barely lift a light bag of shopping. His disease is bit by bit removing his strength, his mobility, his ability to get through each day. 

I know he hates the person he has become. I know that he sees what I do, that he looks much older now than he is.

He can still hold a good conversation, but gradually he is losing interest in the things that were special to him. He looks around him and knows that time is short, therefore why bother with football and cricket (previous passions), especially when the teams he follows don't appear to even try to win. In the past we discussed current affairs, politics; all of that seems less important now. He lives day to day, week to week. He knows the end is near, but not how near it is.

The only thing we can do now is to visit to help out. To encourage the grandchildren to visit. They have a baby great grandson who is a source of joy. Visits tire him, but at the same time make the struggle worthwhile.

Today I had a conversation with his hospice nurse. Suddenly, during that conversation, I realised. I was not discussing a patient. I was discussing my dad. On Monday I am meeting her at their house, to begin to discuss how we make his death the best it can be. The next few weeks will be hard. 

I am really sad right now.

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

TMI Tuesday - Love, Life and Lessons

1. Are you happy with your job? Why or Why not?
This is a job that suits my needs now - I have the hours, pay and job satisfaction I need. I no longer worry about my career because I have a different balance to life.
2. What do you want?
Once I don't need to work, I won't. There is more to life for me now.
3. Who first broke your heart?
Hubby broke my heart early in our marriage. I regret not dealing with that sooner, but we are where we are and I am happy with what life offers for now.
4. What is the biggest mistake you’ve made in a relationship?
Not dealing with problems at the time. That and going back.
5. What did you learn from you last lover/ex-significant other?
That when S told me that I would find what I was looking for, he actually knew what he was talking about. That and finding out that his eternal search for his soulmate would be so difficult for him. I was never she, and knew it all the time in reality.
6. What novel has been instrumental in shaping your views at any point in your life? Why?

Not sure my life has been shaped by books, but more that I have read different types of books at different times. Books about nursing in my teens, books about life, love. Latterly a mix of crime, drama and literary classics. Don't ever ask my favourite - I only remember the story for a short time!
7. Tell us about a favorite TV broadcast show you currently enjoy? Give us a synopsis of the show.

I have no time for tv right now, don't you know how busy my life is?
Bonus: What is your current favorite song to listen to over and over again?
Keane - A place only we know or Robbie Williams - Angels.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

A girl's ramblings

I don't have anything specific to blog about today, so this is just going to be a mixture of the things going through my mind right now. What you might describe as a girl's ramblings.

Last weekend Master and i travelled to the south of France. My friends, who spend most of the summer in France were in the UK for a family wedding and a work colleague of hubby and his family had booked my apartment. It seemed like a good excuse for a short break to the sun. Timely as it turned out as the summer here has come to an abrupt end. We had an amazing time visiting a host of new places - all new for me and a couple new for Him. The trouble is, that these trips just give more ideas for future travel (not sure if that is a bad thing as such). The trip itself cost me more than the rental on the apartment, but who cares if you are having a good time?

Actually I do care and I am now looking into having a company manage the change overs next week so I can actually rent the place out and try to cover costs better than I have this year. Hopefully by then I will be more sorted in my personal life, certainly my marriage, home etc.

Hubby is now in France with his 'platonic lady friend'. Since he has been gone, he has texted me incessantly with inane questions that I am sure I had given him the answer to already. Even if I hadn't there is information in the apartment. What then is he up to? There is a pattern. He tends to communicate with me mainly by text, but when I am away he usually steps that up and sends text after text about what I am doing, what the weather is like etc. When he is away, there is usually nothing. But this time, on this trip the level of texts are getting me down. My dad suggested that he is trying to control me, to prevent me moving on with my life. He said also that I need to stop mothering him. I am not sure if control is the right word for him. But I know I have to stop replying. Master says - delete, don't reply. It is going to be a challenge to follow His advice / suggestion / order (probably the former unless I don't comply).

This weekend Master and I had a more relaxing weekend (not withstanding hubby's interruptions). Sometimes just chilling out is the thing to do, along with some home cooking (by me and then Him) and a couple of meals out. We are getting increasingly irritated that it is more challenging to find good food at a reasonable price in our pubs than it is to find good food when travelling. For some reason, despite the fact that British pubs are something of a dying breed, most are now chains that provide substandard offerings. Adequate yes, but definitely not good.

I also visited my parents a couple of times. Essentially it was my turn - my brothers were both working. As dad becomes weaker and struggles to walk distances it is a sad reality that he can no longer safely drive (due to medication). He also struggles to find the strength to lift and carry things. My mum is struggling with anxiety, not feeling safe walking out of the house. Neither are particularly old at 75 but they are frail (dad with cancer and mum has had several strokes). But visits are proving fun. We are chatting and laughing, enjoying each others company in a way we haven't for a long time. Going shopping with them is like a Darby and Joan outing. They have both developed a dark humour (when not complaining about something) and I am definitely embracing these last few weeks of being a girl with two parents.

My son's relationship with his girlfriend is blossoming (not withstanding a couple of days last week when he seemed to be over worrying their relationship) and they also are due to go off to France for a week soon.

Living here, now, in the moment I have to say that this girl is feeling pretty happy with life. This status quo might not last but for now, I am savouring what I have. I am feeling truly blessed with what I have. I just need to dump one very big monkey from my back!!

Friday, 22 August 2014

This should be my approach

Far too much of the time I fail to focus on the here and now. Instead, I think about what has been and fear what is in store for me. Master is always telling me, that I need to live in the moment and to embrace the experiences that are happening now.  Of course that is easy to say. Easy too to do when the moment you are living in is a happy one, a fun one. But what about when you are dealing with the fears and anxieties of others. How then do you maintain the focus on yourself and on living in the here and now?

I have been looking at mindfulness as a way of managing my stresses at work, particularly given the other things that are going on in my life. This is about being conscious, about being aware in the present moment of your senses. About being able to feel your feet on the ground, your hands on the keyboard and not imagining yourself somewhere you are not. It is also about not dwelling on the past or being anxious about the future.
Mindfulness doesn't mean not planning or setting goals. We need to be able to do that - I certainly need to plan for when I move from my marital home, I also need to recognise the realities that will come with my father's death when it does come. But mindfulness tells us to enjoy the moments as they unfold, and if enjoy is not the right word then at least appreciate the good parts that go with the more challenging times.
I am going to try hard to focus on these messages. to let go of the baggage of my past and to trust the future, whatever it holds and however difficult that is to do.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

This is my thought for today

As I travel through this journey, it strikes me that it isn't just to Master that I show so much of myself, but to people who support me through this blog. Thank you for doing so.

I make no excuse for concentrating at the moment on the issues that I need to focus on, they are painful but with the help of Master and of those around me, in person and virtually I know I will succeed.

I am off to France for the weekend tomorrow, a chance to reflect on where I have got to and to recharge for the next push.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Am I the only one who didn't see?

Today I had lunch with my sister in law, Well the ex wife of one of my brothers. Our son's, cousins, are best friends and grew up together. We have more in common than we have differences in our lives these days, despite difficult times in the past. She told me that I look well, happy and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This is interesting, since this week has been a struggle. I am tired, have been very very down. Plagued with hot flushes, and mood swings, this has been a difficult week and it is only Wednesday.

She told me that she wondered how I have remained in this marriage for so long. She told me that I deserve to be happy.

Last week, on her birthday my mum asked me not to bring hubby to her small gathering. She told my brother that he has made her daughter unhappy for years and she didn't want him there for her birthday.

I have heard a number of stories now, that he hit on other people as well as the affair he had early on in our marriage. The relationship he has now, which he says is platonic, has gone on longer than he originally admitted. To think that I spent so long worrying about my infidelity currently seems crazy.

Time after time, I hear that people are pleased I have made this change. That they can see I am now happy, where as for years I was not.

For years, I was pretty miserable. I thought no one saw. I never reached out because I thought it was a burden I should carry alone. I thought no one would understand.

For all the sadness I have felt this week, I sense I am close to happiness. I see my freedom within a hare's breath.

I feel sad now that I waited so long. But then again, since I didn't actually know what I needed, I am not sure I should feel that way.

Still, why did no one say any of the things they say now?