I don't have anything specific to blog about today, so this is just going to be a mixture of the things going through my mind right now. What you might describe as a girl's ramblings.
Last weekend Master and i travelled to the south of France. My friends, who spend most of the summer in France were in the UK for a family wedding and a work colleague of hubby and his family had booked my apartment. It seemed like a good excuse for a short break to the sun. Timely as it turned out as the summer here has come to an abrupt end. We had an amazing time visiting a host of new places - all new for me and a couple new for Him. The trouble is, that these trips just give more ideas for future travel (not sure if that is a bad thing as such). The trip itself cost me more than the rental on the apartment, but who cares if you are having a good time?
Actually I do care and I am now looking into having a company manage the change overs next week so I can actually rent the place out and try to cover costs better than I have this year. Hopefully by then I will be more sorted in my personal life, certainly my marriage, home etc.
Hubby is now in France with his 'platonic lady friend'. Since he has been gone, he has texted me incessantly with inane questions that I am sure I had given him the answer to already. Even if I hadn't there is information in the apartment. What then is he up to? There is a pattern. He tends to communicate with me mainly by text, but when I am away he usually steps that up and sends text after text about what I am doing, what the weather is like etc. When he is away, there is usually nothing. But this time, on this trip the level of texts are getting me down. My dad suggested that he is trying to control me, to prevent me moving on with my life. He said also that I need to stop mothering him. I am not sure if control is the right word for him. But I know I have to stop replying. Master says - delete, don't reply. It is going to be a challenge to follow His advice / suggestion / order (probably the former unless I don't comply).
This weekend Master and I had a more relaxing weekend (not withstanding hubby's interruptions). Sometimes just chilling out is the thing to do, along with some home cooking (by me and then Him) and a couple of meals out. We are getting increasingly irritated that it is more challenging to find good food at a reasonable price in our pubs than it is to find good food when travelling. For some reason, despite the fact that British pubs are something of a dying breed, most are now chains that provide substandard offerings. Adequate yes, but definitely not good.
I also visited my parents a couple of times. Essentially it was my turn - my brothers were both working. As dad becomes weaker and struggles to walk distances it is a sad reality that he can no longer safely drive (due to medication). He also struggles to find the strength to lift and carry things. My mum is struggling with anxiety, not feeling safe walking out of the house. Neither are particularly old at 75 but they are frail (dad with cancer and mum has had several strokes). But visits are proving fun. We are chatting and laughing, enjoying each others company in a way we haven't for a long time. Going shopping with them is like a Darby and Joan outing. They have both developed a dark humour (when not complaining about something) and I am definitely embracing these last few weeks of being a girl with two parents.
My son's relationship with his girlfriend is blossoming (not withstanding a couple of days last week when he seemed to be over worrying their relationship) and they also are due to go off to France for a week soon.
Living here, now, in the moment I have to say that this girl is feeling pretty happy with life. This status quo might not last but for now, I am savouring what I have. I am feeling truly blessed with what I have. I just need to dump one very big monkey from my back!!
Showing posts with label vanilla family life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vanilla family life. Show all posts
Tuesday, 26 August 2014
Sunday, 10 August 2014
Difficult conversations
Right now, my life if full of them.
Last week I had to deal with hubby's inability to move forward with what needs to happen to end our relationship. As I feel stronger and more secure in myself (and right now, I do), I see it is the perfect time to get certain things out in the open. Plus as summer draws on, there is a realisation, that if I don't deal with things now, we will be in a new year before something happens.
Today, I took my parents out for lunch. Dad told me that every few days he feels just a little weaker, a little less able to do things. Today I noticed his difficulty in getting out of a chair after sitting a little too long. He told me about throwing an apple down the garden to frighten a cat (I know this isn't kind, but it is dad) and watching the fruit plop down just a short distance away. This from a formerly strong man who bowled for a local cricket team. He told me he just stood and laughed, so amazed by his own lack of strength. Discussions also touched on what to do with his car after he dies (mum doesn't drive), his life insurance and probate for his will. These conversations are difficult for us all, but we recognise that they need to happen. Dad observed that not everyone in the family is as willing as me to discuss these matters and the fact that we are able to is helping them both.
I have been a nurse for over 30 years and during that time I was a district nurse who cared for many patients at the ends of their lives. It is easy, as a member of the medical or nursing profession to think you know all about the process and the feelings that go with it. I find however that that is not the case. On some days I can use my experiences to help advise and support (especially when it comes to dealing with medical matters), but on others and increasingly it is difficult.
Of course these conversations are not unique to our family or indeed to me. Right now, though I am grateful to be able to have them. Not everyone does.
Last week I had to deal with hubby's inability to move forward with what needs to happen to end our relationship. As I feel stronger and more secure in myself (and right now, I do), I see it is the perfect time to get certain things out in the open. Plus as summer draws on, there is a realisation, that if I don't deal with things now, we will be in a new year before something happens.
Today, I took my parents out for lunch. Dad told me that every few days he feels just a little weaker, a little less able to do things. Today I noticed his difficulty in getting out of a chair after sitting a little too long. He told me about throwing an apple down the garden to frighten a cat (I know this isn't kind, but it is dad) and watching the fruit plop down just a short distance away. This from a formerly strong man who bowled for a local cricket team. He told me he just stood and laughed, so amazed by his own lack of strength. Discussions also touched on what to do with his car after he dies (mum doesn't drive), his life insurance and probate for his will. These conversations are difficult for us all, but we recognise that they need to happen. Dad observed that not everyone in the family is as willing as me to discuss these matters and the fact that we are able to is helping them both.
I have been a nurse for over 30 years and during that time I was a district nurse who cared for many patients at the ends of their lives. It is easy, as a member of the medical or nursing profession to think you know all about the process and the feelings that go with it. I find however that that is not the case. On some days I can use my experiences to help advise and support (especially when it comes to dealing with medical matters), but on others and increasingly it is difficult.
Of course these conversations are not unique to our family or indeed to me. Right now, though I am grateful to be able to have them. Not everyone does.
Friday, 30 May 2014
End of a difficult week - what this girl has learnt
This girl's emotions have been all over the place this week. It is still hard to imagine how it is that this girl can feel almost euphoric one moment and then anxious, afraid and tearful the next. What this girl has learnt this week though is that rather than always covering up her feelings and just trying to cope, there is usually someone in life who will help you through. Or of course share the good things in life.
The contact with Master has helped, even when we have discussed difficult issues. He is an amazing source of sensible strength to this girl. Plus His wry and often a little left of centre, sense of humour makes this girl laugh even when she is feeling down.
As this girl has mentioned before, she doesn't always find it easy to make friends. But suddenly this girl is making new friends in new ways. Ones who she doesn't have to hide certain areas of her life from. This girl is discovering a network of people who can support each other and share times, both good and bad.
Being there for family is easier when you are being supported by others, whether they are friends, family or Master. This girl's dad has deteriorated a little more, and yesterday was spent in a hospital trying to get his pain management sorted out (thankfully with success). While this girl was tired when she got home, she felt that something good will come of the day. In the past, given that hubby and son were home, she would have passed up the chance of an hour with Master. But having realised what is important to this girl's well being and to His, she didn't do that. As the relationship with hubby moves to yet a different phase - one where he has to recognise this girl has other important people in her life who are not part of his - that was an important step.
So the weekend approaches. This time this girl will mix getting things done with having some fun with friends and also with family. Tonight a chance to see a nephew and niece that this girl doesn't see often enough.
Then after the weekend, Master will be on His way home. For the first time she can be His slave in person.
This girl kind of can't wait for that, but knows she must be patient.
The contact with Master has helped, even when we have discussed difficult issues. He is an amazing source of sensible strength to this girl. Plus His wry and often a little left of centre, sense of humour makes this girl laugh even when she is feeling down.
As this girl has mentioned before, she doesn't always find it easy to make friends. But suddenly this girl is making new friends in new ways. Ones who she doesn't have to hide certain areas of her life from. This girl is discovering a network of people who can support each other and share times, both good and bad.
Being there for family is easier when you are being supported by others, whether they are friends, family or Master. This girl's dad has deteriorated a little more, and yesterday was spent in a hospital trying to get his pain management sorted out (thankfully with success). While this girl was tired when she got home, she felt that something good will come of the day. In the past, given that hubby and son were home, she would have passed up the chance of an hour with Master. But having realised what is important to this girl's well being and to His, she didn't do that. As the relationship with hubby moves to yet a different phase - one where he has to recognise this girl has other important people in her life who are not part of his - that was an important step.
So the weekend approaches. This time this girl will mix getting things done with having some fun with friends and also with family. Tonight a chance to see a nephew and niece that this girl doesn't see often enough.
Then after the weekend, Master will be on His way home. For the first time she can be His slave in person.
This girl kind of can't wait for that, but knows she must be patient.
Sunday, 18 May 2014
Communication in relationships - is D/s different?
Yesterday, after visiting my parents - my dad is feeling a little stronger now, even though he will need some radiotherapy on his back after all - I spent time with my sister in law.
In truth she is an ex, since she and my brother are no longer married. She is in another relationship now, one where there has been a great deal of lying by omission. We spent 3 hours and I drank 3 cups of coffee (something I never usually do these days) discussing and analysing both our marriages and her current relationship. The common theme was a lack of communication, or an inability to find a common way to communicate with each other. The difficulties I have experienced in trying to communicate effectively with hubby are well documented here and so I won't repeat myself. But I have been wondering about the common threads for us both and how, if at all they are different in my current relationship with Sir.
My brother caused my sister in law great pain. He was unfaithful, he became addicted to cocaine and in order to support that habit he spent a great deal of money that they didn't have. He lied. In the end she called a halt to things and he left. Soon after she got together with someone she had known before her marriage. 5 years on, while he spends most nights with her, he also spends part of each day at a home that he shares with his sister. She apparently suffers from severe depression and he feels a great responsibility for her care. The problem is that my sister in law is desperate for him to prioritise her, and to commit to her. He has omitted to tell her the reasons he feels so responsible for his sister, whose call he always jumps to, often without telling his partner. The means he may go out for half an hour, and not return for hours or longer. No matter how hard she tries she can't get to the root of the problem, and she can't get him to articulate his long term intentions. She fears that if she does nothing, in another 5 years she will be in the same position. We agreed that the thought processes and actions of the men in our lives often puzzle us and that somehow it left us feeling like failures.
Driving home though, I began to think about the past 3 months with Sir. About how open we have needed to be about ourselves and our needs. About how well we need to know and trust each other. In particular how much I need to be able to trust him in order to submit to him and to release myself into his care. Of course, this still feels a little one sided, since in order to be his submissive I have opened myself up much more than perhaps he has. To a certain extent he has tried to protect me from his other relationship, but bit by bit details do emerge. The ability to try not to judge what is revealed to you seems important, though very very hard at times. Especially when you know what it is you want, but also know that might not be what you have to accept in the end.
Sometimes it feels we have known each other for so much longer than 3 months and that is something both of us keep reminding the other of. But the depth of understanding and of trust in our relationship already feels greater than hers after 5 years. The other sad thing is, that while my brother is now clean and is in a new relationship too, that isn't very happy either. I can't help thinking that this couple could have remained together and in love if only there had been more honesty and understanding of each others needs. What I do know is that none of them have fulfilment in their lives and that is sad.
Despite my problems, and the uncertainty about my longer term relationship with Sir, I feel submission is bringing me a freedom to communicate in a way that can only be positive and help me be the person I want to be and in a relationship that is right. In the end I will have inner peace and happiness, but will they?
In truth she is an ex, since she and my brother are no longer married. She is in another relationship now, one where there has been a great deal of lying by omission. We spent 3 hours and I drank 3 cups of coffee (something I never usually do these days) discussing and analysing both our marriages and her current relationship. The common theme was a lack of communication, or an inability to find a common way to communicate with each other. The difficulties I have experienced in trying to communicate effectively with hubby are well documented here and so I won't repeat myself. But I have been wondering about the common threads for us both and how, if at all they are different in my current relationship with Sir.
My brother caused my sister in law great pain. He was unfaithful, he became addicted to cocaine and in order to support that habit he spent a great deal of money that they didn't have. He lied. In the end she called a halt to things and he left. Soon after she got together with someone she had known before her marriage. 5 years on, while he spends most nights with her, he also spends part of each day at a home that he shares with his sister. She apparently suffers from severe depression and he feels a great responsibility for her care. The problem is that my sister in law is desperate for him to prioritise her, and to commit to her. He has omitted to tell her the reasons he feels so responsible for his sister, whose call he always jumps to, often without telling his partner. The means he may go out for half an hour, and not return for hours or longer. No matter how hard she tries she can't get to the root of the problem, and she can't get him to articulate his long term intentions. She fears that if she does nothing, in another 5 years she will be in the same position. We agreed that the thought processes and actions of the men in our lives often puzzle us and that somehow it left us feeling like failures.
Driving home though, I began to think about the past 3 months with Sir. About how open we have needed to be about ourselves and our needs. About how well we need to know and trust each other. In particular how much I need to be able to trust him in order to submit to him and to release myself into his care. Of course, this still feels a little one sided, since in order to be his submissive I have opened myself up much more than perhaps he has. To a certain extent he has tried to protect me from his other relationship, but bit by bit details do emerge. The ability to try not to judge what is revealed to you seems important, though very very hard at times. Especially when you know what it is you want, but also know that might not be what you have to accept in the end.
Sometimes it feels we have known each other for so much longer than 3 months and that is something both of us keep reminding the other of. But the depth of understanding and of trust in our relationship already feels greater than hers after 5 years. The other sad thing is, that while my brother is now clean and is in a new relationship too, that isn't very happy either. I can't help thinking that this couple could have remained together and in love if only there had been more honesty and understanding of each others needs. What I do know is that none of them have fulfilment in their lives and that is sad.
Despite my problems, and the uncertainty about my longer term relationship with Sir, I feel submission is bringing me a freedom to communicate in a way that can only be positive and help me be the person I want to be and in a relationship that is right. In the end I will have inner peace and happiness, but will they?
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
Feelings of guilt
I have been so self absorbed recently, seeking to find happiness and fulfilment. Then knowing how Sir's departure would make me feel I went off to France and while I did fun things and house maintenance that needed doing I was just thinking of myself.
But now I am feeling guilty. My dad is really unwell and my departure left them alone - one brother on a trip to Mexico and the other working - and they had to manage some really terrible difficulties with his health.
What kind of daughter am I? How can I call myself a nurse? How can I treat my own family in this way.
This has got to stop. I must get a grip and if that means leaving Sir and my submission behind for a while that is what will have to happen.
It might be my lack of a night's sleep speaking - don't you just hate the feeling that you have had a lovely deep sleep to find the clock has moved about 20 minutes since the last time you looked.
But I know I must concentrate on some very important things right now. This illness is going to take my dad from us and I really do need to sort out my priorities.
But now I am feeling guilty. My dad is really unwell and my departure left them alone - one brother on a trip to Mexico and the other working - and they had to manage some really terrible difficulties with his health.
What kind of daughter am I? How can I call myself a nurse? How can I treat my own family in this way.
This has got to stop. I must get a grip and if that means leaving Sir and my submission behind for a while that is what will have to happen.
It might be my lack of a night's sleep speaking - don't you just hate the feeling that you have had a lovely deep sleep to find the clock has moved about 20 minutes since the last time you looked.
But I know I must concentrate on some very important things right now. This illness is going to take my dad from us and I really do need to sort out my priorities.
Wednesday, 5 February 2014
Interviewed
This is a first for me. It seems i have been interviewed for a position as potential sub/slave.
A couple of weeks ago i received a lovely email on alt.com. This was a bit different from the usual I am a Dom and can train you to be a complete slut kind of mail. The person sending it had obviously read the few details contained within my profile and told me a little about Himself. I was intrigued, and replied.
Many days, maybe a week went by, and in the mean time i have hooked up (in the ways previously described) with (to coin a phrase used by little) a local Dom. On Sunday evening i received an email back, suggesting a yahoo chat on Monday evening.
So on Monday as i logged on, i saw that He had left me a yahoo message asking if i was online. We then spent a good hour and a half chatting. During this time, i cooked and ate dinner and managed to answer some quite detailed questions.
In essence i was interviewed. There is no other word for it. Things started generally, He gave little away, apart from a few reasonably personal details, the rest was about me. However and this is quite strange, i divulged a lot about me - not things like my name, address that kind of thing, more like the deep details of my marriage, D/s experience, stuff with S and then i found myself describing to this stranger my thoughts about what i want from a future relationship. In his replies he used lower case to describe me or refer to me, and capitals for Himself - like i have just done. His sentences were well crafted and punctuation (apart from technically having his capitals all over the place) impeccable.
At the end He told me that i could consider Him pleased with me and my answers and wondered if we should meet for coffee. What harm can there be in that? After all he is very intriguing in a very Domly (if that's a word) and quite powerful way. i am to await an email - of course i am still waiting. Even if this all comes to nothing, coffee with this Gentleman will be interesting.
A couple of weeks ago i received a lovely email on alt.com. This was a bit different from the usual I am a Dom and can train you to be a complete slut kind of mail. The person sending it had obviously read the few details contained within my profile and told me a little about Himself. I was intrigued, and replied.
Many days, maybe a week went by, and in the mean time i have hooked up (in the ways previously described) with (to coin a phrase used by little) a local Dom. On Sunday evening i received an email back, suggesting a yahoo chat on Monday evening.
So on Monday as i logged on, i saw that He had left me a yahoo message asking if i was online. We then spent a good hour and a half chatting. During this time, i cooked and ate dinner and managed to answer some quite detailed questions.
In essence i was interviewed. There is no other word for it. Things started generally, He gave little away, apart from a few reasonably personal details, the rest was about me. However and this is quite strange, i divulged a lot about me - not things like my name, address that kind of thing, more like the deep details of my marriage, D/s experience, stuff with S and then i found myself describing to this stranger my thoughts about what i want from a future relationship. In his replies he used lower case to describe me or refer to me, and capitals for Himself - like i have just done. His sentences were well crafted and punctuation (apart from technically having his capitals all over the place) impeccable.
At the end He told me that i could consider Him pleased with me and my answers and wondered if we should meet for coffee. What harm can there be in that? After all he is very intriguing in a very Domly (if that's a word) and quite powerful way. i am to await an email - of course i am still waiting. Even if this all comes to nothing, coffee with this Gentleman will be interesting.
.........................................
Last evening hubby was home for his, what seems to have become regular, couple of nights a week spent lounging on the sofa. This was the first time I had seen him for more than a few minutes since Thursday. It is interesting to see how well he settles back into his routine - me running round doing dinner, transporting a young adult to his football match, rushing out to get bread and him stretching out on the sofa. How, i wonder did my life, all be it much less of it before, get like this. Lets hope I summon the strength soon to reveal my true feelings to him once and for all. I am not sure, given everything else that is going on right now, that I can cope with this kind of thing much longer.
The trouble is, I don't actually like confrontation. I like to keep things calm and steady. I don't like causing pain and hurt, but of course while I seek to protect the needs of others I end up really unhappy and frustrated. I know this was never meant to be easy, but it is way harder than I ever imagined.
Saturday, 28 December 2013
One to forget?
For the first time in 30 years, hubby and I have been apart this Christmas. Indeed I have not seen him for 6 days. In that time, there have been a number of texts and one, quite unpleasant phone conversation on Christmas morning. I have spent time with our son, he and I have spent time on Christmas day with my parents and on boxing day with hubby's family.
From Christmas eve morning until boxing night I felt very low. Probably worse than I have felt for many months. I wasn't tearful like I was when S told me things were over between us in the summer, but I just felt low. Felt that everything was a chore, too much effort. But, because I am a reasonable actress and because I hate people being sorry for me, I pulled myself into shape and got on with things. My son and I exchanged presents on Christmas morning (a lopsided exchange of course), he gave me a lovely hug and was very attentive. Then we set off for a quiet Christmas day with my parents. When we arrived, unknown to me, I had been assigned the task of cooking Christmas dinner. I don't remember being asked, but as ever, I got on with things, and this year it was a small event. Later my teenage niece nephew arrived and we played some fun games. I went to bed feeling somewhat happier than I had in the morning.
On boxing day evening we went off to a family party hosted by hubby's parents. This was an awkward event. They asked me about what hubby was up to, when he had decided to help the homeless etc. I know little of what he has been up to and as far as I know he decided to help the homeless so he wouldn't have to face his and my family at Christmas. Still I pulled it off and my son told me later I did a good job.
So tomorrow, hubby is apparently putting in an appearance. I am hoping we can at least have a small amount of family time. This is part of my desire, from son's tone of voice when I told him, it is not his particularly. But we will see.
I am hopefully heading down to visit S for new year. I hope that this will help me gather the emotional and physical strength to face the things I need to in the first few days of January. You can't act in the way hubby is now and expect things to return to normal (no matter what he may think).
My new year hope is that I have some very kinky things to write about on this blog by this time next week.
From Christmas eve morning until boxing night I felt very low. Probably worse than I have felt for many months. I wasn't tearful like I was when S told me things were over between us in the summer, but I just felt low. Felt that everything was a chore, too much effort. But, because I am a reasonable actress and because I hate people being sorry for me, I pulled myself into shape and got on with things. My son and I exchanged presents on Christmas morning (a lopsided exchange of course), he gave me a lovely hug and was very attentive. Then we set off for a quiet Christmas day with my parents. When we arrived, unknown to me, I had been assigned the task of cooking Christmas dinner. I don't remember being asked, but as ever, I got on with things, and this year it was a small event. Later my teenage niece nephew arrived and we played some fun games. I went to bed feeling somewhat happier than I had in the morning.
On boxing day evening we went off to a family party hosted by hubby's parents. This was an awkward event. They asked me about what hubby was up to, when he had decided to help the homeless etc. I know little of what he has been up to and as far as I know he decided to help the homeless so he wouldn't have to face his and my family at Christmas. Still I pulled it off and my son told me later I did a good job.
So tomorrow, hubby is apparently putting in an appearance. I am hoping we can at least have a small amount of family time. This is part of my desire, from son's tone of voice when I told him, it is not his particularly. But we will see.
I am hopefully heading down to visit S for new year. I hope that this will help me gather the emotional and physical strength to face the things I need to in the first few days of January. You can't act in the way hubby is now and expect things to return to normal (no matter what he may think).
My new year hope is that I have some very kinky things to write about on this blog by this time next week.
Monday, 23 December 2013
Change ahead?
Hubby announced at the end of last week that he wouldn't be spending Christmas with us. Instead he told me that he will be helping the homeless at a shelter in London. He told me that this is something he has always wanted to do. I really want to believe that this is true, and perhaps it is.
However, he has told me a number of (what I think are lies ) as part of the story. He has told me that he will be staying with a friend in London, a male friend. He has told me that he is not seeing anyone else.
Last night he was staying not in London, but somewhere else. I don't know who he is with, but I am sure it is not a male.
It is almost time to force a change, I just need to decide when that time should be.
I don't deserve to feel cheated, since I was the one to cheat first. But I do.
He has been incredibly upset about the lies I have told him and now he is lying to me.
The greatest sadness is that he doesn't feel able to tell me the whole truth and that is a shame.
I feel glad that I have my family around me who are being very supportive and I feel glad that I have S to provide additional friendship and support.
I think this will be a bit of a strange Christmas.
However, he has told me a number of (what I think are lies ) as part of the story. He has told me that he will be staying with a friend in London, a male friend. He has told me that he is not seeing anyone else.
Last night he was staying not in London, but somewhere else. I don't know who he is with, but I am sure it is not a male.
It is almost time to force a change, I just need to decide when that time should be.
I don't deserve to feel cheated, since I was the one to cheat first. But I do.
He has been incredibly upset about the lies I have told him and now he is lying to me.
The greatest sadness is that he doesn't feel able to tell me the whole truth and that is a shame.
I feel glad that I have my family around me who are being very supportive and I feel glad that I have S to provide additional friendship and support.
I think this will be a bit of a strange Christmas.
Saturday, 14 December 2013
Looking backwards....looking forwards
Its that time of year, a time to think about what has happened over the past 11 and a half months and wondering what is in store.
Often I think I am here, treading water. I feel that no progress is being made. But then again when I look back and see what has happened this year, when I look at how things are right now, maybe I am not quite as stationary as I think.
The relationship with hubby is progressing slowly, surely in the direction of the exit. We both know this, even if at times (usually different times) we try to pretend otherwise. The truth is that 30 years is a long time to be married. Our whole lives have been bound up for so long, it is difficult to quite see the future without each other. He, is at last showing signs that he is beginning to come to terms with things. He seems happier in himself (or maybe more resigned to reality), this may have been helped by the lady on the photos that have accidentally been transferred from his iPhone to my iPad (oh dear, he can be careless too). I prefer to think of him being a little happier than he was earlier in the year, when he said he felt he belonged no where. He still maintains he is visiting male friends every weekend and out with the same friends nearly every night. No one can go out that much without collapsing (especially at his age). At some time soon, we will have to say what needs saying and maybe he might tell me what he is up to. Mean time, we dance around each other a bit.
Today I have a family party, my whole family getting together for my dad's birthday. Dad isn't too well and he is of the opinion that he wants to celebrate each birthday in case it is his last. My brothers and their partners will be there, along with some of my nephews and nieces. My son will be there too. Hubby won't. This feels like a landmark since in the past we have always turned up to each others family occasions. Hubby says he will only do the things he wants to do now and he doesn't want to do this. I have booked hotel rooms for my son and myself so I can have a couple of glasses of wine and not have to drive home.
The man formerly known as Sir is still around. The decision we made back in the summer, to be friends and to get together when we both want to, seems to be working. We really are very good friends and continue to help each other through our relationship issues with ex / soon to be ex partners. There is no D/s when we are not together. He is not my master while I go about my life, he is not even my master when we are together and doing ordinary things together. However when it comes to deciding when, where and how we have sex, he is definitely in charge and he is my master. This sounds like we are playing at something, but I don't think we are. It is how this relationship has developed and how it is. If he decides I will get on my knees and suck his cock, then I am going to do it. If he decides I should wear stockings, no underwear, or whatever when we are together, then that is how I am dressed.
For me it is about being able to let go of everything. To leave the decision making to him. To trust that he knows what he wants and what is best for me and to make sure we both get the best of the situation. Sometimes our sex is a kind of kinky vanilla and sometimes there are clamps, spanking, restraint, perhaps the riding crop makes an appearance. I never know how it will play out and I like it like that. There is always an expectation that I will worship his cock and that is something I love to do. He loves to remind me that he is the only one I have had anal sex with, that his is the only cock I love to suck. He loves to tell me how well he has trained me, and he loves me to tell him that he is the one who has turned me into the slut I now am.
Distance means we can't spend as much time together as I (and I think he) would like, but I am happy for this relationship to last in the way it is for as long as it is right for both of us.
I kind of know what the future holds, but for now I am not looking too far ahead. Living the moment, and the moment isn't really too bad.
Often I think I am here, treading water. I feel that no progress is being made. But then again when I look back and see what has happened this year, when I look at how things are right now, maybe I am not quite as stationary as I think.
The relationship with hubby is progressing slowly, surely in the direction of the exit. We both know this, even if at times (usually different times) we try to pretend otherwise. The truth is that 30 years is a long time to be married. Our whole lives have been bound up for so long, it is difficult to quite see the future without each other. He, is at last showing signs that he is beginning to come to terms with things. He seems happier in himself (or maybe more resigned to reality), this may have been helped by the lady on the photos that have accidentally been transferred from his iPhone to my iPad (oh dear, he can be careless too). I prefer to think of him being a little happier than he was earlier in the year, when he said he felt he belonged no where. He still maintains he is visiting male friends every weekend and out with the same friends nearly every night. No one can go out that much without collapsing (especially at his age). At some time soon, we will have to say what needs saying and maybe he might tell me what he is up to. Mean time, we dance around each other a bit.
Today I have a family party, my whole family getting together for my dad's birthday. Dad isn't too well and he is of the opinion that he wants to celebrate each birthday in case it is his last. My brothers and their partners will be there, along with some of my nephews and nieces. My son will be there too. Hubby won't. This feels like a landmark since in the past we have always turned up to each others family occasions. Hubby says he will only do the things he wants to do now and he doesn't want to do this. I have booked hotel rooms for my son and myself so I can have a couple of glasses of wine and not have to drive home.
The man formerly known as Sir is still around. The decision we made back in the summer, to be friends and to get together when we both want to, seems to be working. We really are very good friends and continue to help each other through our relationship issues with ex / soon to be ex partners. There is no D/s when we are not together. He is not my master while I go about my life, he is not even my master when we are together and doing ordinary things together. However when it comes to deciding when, where and how we have sex, he is definitely in charge and he is my master. This sounds like we are playing at something, but I don't think we are. It is how this relationship has developed and how it is. If he decides I will get on my knees and suck his cock, then I am going to do it. If he decides I should wear stockings, no underwear, or whatever when we are together, then that is how I am dressed.
For me it is about being able to let go of everything. To leave the decision making to him. To trust that he knows what he wants and what is best for me and to make sure we both get the best of the situation. Sometimes our sex is a kind of kinky vanilla and sometimes there are clamps, spanking, restraint, perhaps the riding crop makes an appearance. I never know how it will play out and I like it like that. There is always an expectation that I will worship his cock and that is something I love to do. He loves to remind me that he is the only one I have had anal sex with, that his is the only cock I love to suck. He loves to tell me how well he has trained me, and he loves me to tell him that he is the one who has turned me into the slut I now am.
Distance means we can't spend as much time together as I (and I think he) would like, but I am happy for this relationship to last in the way it is for as long as it is right for both of us.
I kind of know what the future holds, but for now I am not looking too far ahead. Living the moment, and the moment isn't really too bad.
Monday, 4 November 2013
New experiences
The world of Joolz moves on in a positive but maybe uninteresting way.
I was with S a couple of weeks ago and things were good. I think he had been reading my blog, because he reintroduced the nipple clamps and the riding crop. There is always something of a balance between pleasure and pain in these things but generally it would be true to say that an increasing amount of pain leads to lots of pleasure. Our relationship also strikes a good amount of balance. Friends vs sexual and DS benefits - who could complain? Not me that's for sure.
So I have been in France for 5 days now. On my own with no hubby. For the first few days I had friends here, but since Saturday, for the first time, I am alone. Do you know what? I like it!
Despite the fact I have been here numerous times before, I have found new places. On foot, by car and a new thing for me, by bike. Egged on by S, yesterday I completed a very long (by any ones standards) bike ride. Ok, on the flat and in the name of geocaching. But when I reached the end of my ride to get my caches, I rode another 7.5k to get back to civilisation.
I decided that I should have beer. People who cycle for 30k or whatever it was deserve beer. So after locking up my bike in my apartment bike shed, I went to a local bar. Sadly the usual draft beer was unavailable (this is off season, so I guess they are running stocks down), so the lady persuaded me to a bottle of beer. It went down nicely. But as I stood up I felt even more shaky than was expected after 30k. That beer was 7.5% proof!! Not surprisingly I needed a little sleep after my dinner.
Tomorrow, I travel home.
Normal life, but, all is well.
Hope to see S soon.
Thursday, 17 October 2013
Random stuff
I have been commuting into London for a couple of months now. Generally the whole thing is better than I imagined and the trains a more often on time than I would have thought (probably 40% of the time). This is ok, since any lateness is a) not significant and b) not noticed as I work very hard when I am there (as you would expect).
I was reading Tori's blog Which had me thinking about the stuff that just happens to me.
Within days of commuting I had got onto the wrong train, one that got me to the place I wanted by 15 other places rather than 2! Last night I did things the other way round. The train was going incredibly fast, I wondered for a few minutes if I would end up far far beyond where I wanted to be. But no, just one station from my stop and then I travelled back one station and arrived before I would have if I had taken the right train - how cool is that?
I am having a new kitchen fitted this week. Tonight I have a new oven.
Tonight I managed to burn a very simple oven based meal. Pies and potato wedges!!!
Son came to the rescue and £20 later we had pizza and chicken wings (the latter he ate pretty much all of)
This weekend I am seeing S.
He is having my old cooker (one which I could never burn a simple meal in) and we are going to an apple festival.
I will have to report about that on Sunday.
Yes, life remains good even if there is a kind of burnt in smell around here, right now!
I was reading Tori's blog Which had me thinking about the stuff that just happens to me.
Within days of commuting I had got onto the wrong train, one that got me to the place I wanted by 15 other places rather than 2! Last night I did things the other way round. The train was going incredibly fast, I wondered for a few minutes if I would end up far far beyond where I wanted to be. But no, just one station from my stop and then I travelled back one station and arrived before I would have if I had taken the right train - how cool is that?
I am having a new kitchen fitted this week. Tonight I have a new oven.
Tonight I managed to burn a very simple oven based meal. Pies and potato wedges!!!
Son came to the rescue and £20 later we had pizza and chicken wings (the latter he ate pretty much all of)
This weekend I am seeing S.
He is having my old cooker (one which I could never burn a simple meal in) and we are going to an apple festival.
I will have to report about that on Sunday.
Yes, life remains good even if there is a kind of burnt in smell around here, right now!
Thursday, 11 July 2013
Looking forward
So yesterday ended in disappointment. But as they say tomorrow is another day. In fact so is today.
My life, as Sir is always reminding me, is mainly positive these days. Redundancy has brought with it new opportunities; new car, apartment in France, new kitchen. In short, i am pretty much financially secure. Of course this doesn't take account of the prospect of divorce, but at the moment that is a way off.
i have been head hunted for the possibility of work that pays twice the rate i am currently receiving. i will need to go for an interview, but the possibility that i will soon be working full time again for a while is definitely there.
i am proud to report i have lost 7lb in 2 weeks. Diet and fitness are going well and i am on track to wear the corset within the month.
Next, arrangements have been made for the signing of papers for ownership of the French apartment. i am pretty excited about this. There will be a couple of short trips over there in the next few weeks and then hopefully i will be able to rent the apartment out before i take a longer holiday. My birthday is coming up, and i am hoping to be over there then. Perhaps taking my son as a treat for all of his hard work. Of course, i will have work for him to do while there, but i think he will be happy to help get things ready for paying guests.
Son's graduation is next Thursday; i will be just so proud!
Tomorrow, i am off to visit Sir (traffic permitting).
The weather here is suddenly as summer should be, so in prospect is an afternoon on the beach, just me, my book and perhaps an ice cream and some water. Then later, Sir and i maybe will have a picnic dinner on the beach. I just love this time of year for its long days and warm weather. Plus there is the prospect of al fresco fun, which knowing Sir will involve some kind of risk of being discovered, plus the pushing of my humiliation related limits.
i look forward to sucking Him.
i look forward to being fucked in all orifices.
i look forward to kneeling before Him.
i just look forward......
My life, as Sir is always reminding me, is mainly positive these days. Redundancy has brought with it new opportunities; new car, apartment in France, new kitchen. In short, i am pretty much financially secure. Of course this doesn't take account of the prospect of divorce, but at the moment that is a way off.
i have been head hunted for the possibility of work that pays twice the rate i am currently receiving. i will need to go for an interview, but the possibility that i will soon be working full time again for a while is definitely there.
i am proud to report i have lost 7lb in 2 weeks. Diet and fitness are going well and i am on track to wear the corset within the month.
Next, arrangements have been made for the signing of papers for ownership of the French apartment. i am pretty excited about this. There will be a couple of short trips over there in the next few weeks and then hopefully i will be able to rent the apartment out before i take a longer holiday. My birthday is coming up, and i am hoping to be over there then. Perhaps taking my son as a treat for all of his hard work. Of course, i will have work for him to do while there, but i think he will be happy to help get things ready for paying guests.
Son's graduation is next Thursday; i will be just so proud!
Tomorrow, i am off to visit Sir (traffic permitting).
The weather here is suddenly as summer should be, so in prospect is an afternoon on the beach, just me, my book and perhaps an ice cream and some water. Then later, Sir and i maybe will have a picnic dinner on the beach. I just love this time of year for its long days and warm weather. Plus there is the prospect of al fresco fun, which knowing Sir will involve some kind of risk of being discovered, plus the pushing of my humiliation related limits.
i look forward to sucking Him.
i look forward to being fucked in all orifices.
i look forward to kneeling before Him.
i just look forward......
Friday, 5 July 2013
This and that
I am having a quiet time when it comes to kink and all that goes with it. Unfortunately I haven't been able to see Sir for the last couple of weeks, due to work, social and family commitments on both sides. Mean time, a post about this and that....
Yesterday for the start of week 2 though, I kind of abandoned the diet for the day as I had a day out with girlfriends at Henley Regatta. This is set along the river Thames at Henley on Thames - a prosperous area of the country. People descend from all over the world to participate in the various rowing races and even more people arrive to watch (the rowing, the scenery, each other). The day involved some lovely food, alcohol (champagne, pimms and wine), girly chat, people watching, strolling and even watching the boats and their occupants. All of which were very pleasant activities. I drank a little too much, but am not really the worse for it today. Back onto the straight and narrow of my diet regime and tomorrow I will restart the exercise.
The first week of my diet has gone well. I lost 4.5lb which I was very pleased with and puts me back to my previously recorded highest weight. I have managed to fit in exercise on 4 days out of 4 and have tried to be more active at other times. I feel motivated and I know Sir shares my desire to have slightly less of me to spank, caress and hold.
Yesterday for the start of week 2 though, I kind of abandoned the diet for the day as I had a day out with girlfriends at Henley Regatta. This is set along the river Thames at Henley on Thames - a prosperous area of the country. People descend from all over the world to participate in the various rowing races and even more people arrive to watch (the rowing, the scenery, each other). The day involved some lovely food, alcohol (champagne, pimms and wine), girly chat, people watching, strolling and even watching the boats and their occupants. All of which were very pleasant activities. I drank a little too much, but am not really the worse for it today. Back onto the straight and narrow of my diet regime and tomorrow I will restart the exercise.
On Wednesday, I collected my new car. Unfortunately it was at the end of a tiring working day, so I only drove it home on that day. Then yesterday, I was collected by a friend to go off to Henley, returning home this morning. So, this afternoon I have been out for a spin. I didn't really have anywhere special I wanted to go, but I did need to go food shopping. So I decided to go to a supermarket a bit further away than usual so I could get a run out in the car. It is lovely to have a car with air conditioning (my old car didn't have it) and wonderful to smell that new car smell and to just drive. Definitely gave me a better than average feeling while food shopping!
Work is going pretty well and I am now ready to submit my first invoice. It is strange to be back in the old office. But great to see people I used to work with. I have decided I like being back at work, being busy, but I like working part time even more.
On Tuesday I went with my sister in law to see Robbie Williams at Wembley Stadium in London and had a wonderful time. Robbie was definitely back to his best and Ollie Murs was pretty good too. It was lovely to spend time with my sister in law, who is now divorced from my brother and who I don't get to see often enough now.
So, even though things are quiet on the seeing Sir front. they have been far from quiet generally. Now for a hot and sunny weekend and maybe some chill-out time!
Monday, 24 June 2013
Exciting times
Despite the mess that is my marriage, essentially I am having a really good time right now. I have discovered that with a bit of effort, good things can happen. Granted I have been helped along by my redundancy payment which I am mainly using wisely (though the odd bit of recklessness doesn't go amiss.
While on holiday, I was offered the opportunity to buy a small apartment in a French coastal resort. The deal is excellent and to be honest it offers a better use of the money I have available for investment. I will be able to rent it out and also it will be somewhere for all of the family to use for holidays. In about 5 or 6 weeks it should be mine and that will offer some great new opportunities.
I have now been offered some work, essentially 3 days per week for the next 3-4 months, plus there is some other work in the offing. Hopefully this will mean I can take another short break in the autumn, when I will definitely be going to France!
I went to look at cars on Saturday and came out of the show room the owner of a new car. I went with the intention of buying a car that was 2 years old, but what with 0% interest and some other enticements, the new one was too good to pass up. By the weekend I should have it and that will be lots of fun.
The kitchen planner came today, and my final large purchase will soon be on order. This is the first time, in 20 years in this house that we have had something like this done. The last kitchen was a DIY job, and was never actually quite finished. This will give me something I have always wanted, plus it will add to the value of the house. There is every chance we will need to sell in the next couple of years, given the state of my marriage, but meantime I am going to have something I really want.
I have a few trips to look forward to in the next few weeks - a night out seeing Robbie Williams in concert, a trip to Henley Regatta and then my son's graduation. New clothes are needed for the last two (the same new outfit for both), so I will need to get on with that pretty soon.
So while my life seems full of uncertainty when it comes to hubby and I there are lots of positives. Plus of course, I have my relationship with Sir. That is going really well and there is a lot to look forward to there too.
While on holiday, I was offered the opportunity to buy a small apartment in a French coastal resort. The deal is excellent and to be honest it offers a better use of the money I have available for investment. I will be able to rent it out and also it will be somewhere for all of the family to use for holidays. In about 5 or 6 weeks it should be mine and that will offer some great new opportunities.
I have now been offered some work, essentially 3 days per week for the next 3-4 months, plus there is some other work in the offing. Hopefully this will mean I can take another short break in the autumn, when I will definitely be going to France!
I went to look at cars on Saturday and came out of the show room the owner of a new car. I went with the intention of buying a car that was 2 years old, but what with 0% interest and some other enticements, the new one was too good to pass up. By the weekend I should have it and that will be lots of fun.
The kitchen planner came today, and my final large purchase will soon be on order. This is the first time, in 20 years in this house that we have had something like this done. The last kitchen was a DIY job, and was never actually quite finished. This will give me something I have always wanted, plus it will add to the value of the house. There is every chance we will need to sell in the next couple of years, given the state of my marriage, but meantime I am going to have something I really want.
I have a few trips to look forward to in the next few weeks - a night out seeing Robbie Williams in concert, a trip to Henley Regatta and then my son's graduation. New clothes are needed for the last two (the same new outfit for both), so I will need to get on with that pretty soon.
So while my life seems full of uncertainty when it comes to hubby and I there are lots of positives. Plus of course, I have my relationship with Sir. That is going really well and there is a lot to look forward to there too.
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Relationships
"Oh what a complicated web we weave, when first we practise to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
Around a year ago, i was feeling particularly bored with my life. i was frustrated that as i approached my 50th birthday that i was in a rut. To those looking from the outside in it looked as if i had everything; a stable marriage of nearly 28 years, a good job, nice house, son doing well at university. All of those things were true, but actually that marriage was built on rocky foundations, perhaps set in quicksand. Few people in my life are aware of the truth behind the relationship between my husband and me. They know that we lived close to each other in our home town. They know that we first dated when i was just 15 and that we married soon after i qualified as a nurse. He was my only serious boyfriend. The only man i had had sex with. We seemed to be just right together, we loved and cared about each other, so people weren't surprised that we married so young (21 and 25).
Within 5 years though we were leading practically separate lives. He claimed he needed to work away from home quite a bit and at the same time i was working shifts, including nights, as a nurse. Our relationship was often volatile, as i tried to get him to be the kind of husband i thought i wanted (one who pulled his weight around the house mainly). Often when we were invited to go out with friends, he either didn't want to go, or wasn't around, looking back he was almost contemptuous of them (though not to their faces), so they drifted away. At some point i discovered he was seeing someone at work and after much consideration on both our parts he told me he had ended the other relationship. i was in love, i wanted our marriage to work, and so i forgave and i trusted. We told no one about what had happened, though i did go and stay with a friend who had recently had a baby and seem to remember hinting that things were not going well. It later transpired that when i was away, hubby had his lady friend to stay in our house, in my bed.
In 1990 i became pregnant with our son. i was oblivious to the fact that my husband was involved in a long term relationship with another woman. i was blind and deaf, wrapped up as i was in the world of myself and my son. Hubby worked away, that was what i and others knew. i remember a neighbour asking me if he still lived with me. i was mortified that they would think that, but looking back he was rarely home. On occasions we would go for Sunday lunch to my parents, meeting a few streets away in separate cars. We would then arrive for the family gathering together and later, leave together and then go our separate ways.
One day when my son was around 3, on a Saturday lunchtime, i was ironing in my dining room while my son played nearby. Hubby was apparently at work. A woman turned up at the door and i invited her in. She told me that she was in a relationship with my husband and that what was more, they were engaged to be married! I was incredulous; how could this be in any way true? He arrived home and shooed her away. i was in shock and for that reason can't exactly remember the rest of that day or the next few. A letter arrived, telling me all that she and my husband did together. It told me of weekends away, holidays, family events even an engagement party. Much of this has been denied since. Hubby maintains that she was obsessed with him and that he was too weak to say no. Somewhere between the two is probably the truth.
I have spent a lot of time since that time wondering why i stayed with my husband then. i do know that i was very frightened, of facing people, of having to cope alone, of the financial implications. So despite the fact that i didn't trust him. That every time he touched me, my skin crawled. That the time we were together was very difficult. We carried on. He ended the relationship (probably not immediately) and we carried on. We lived and worked. We did things together and apart. We settled down into a long period of relative stability.
i did tell one or two friends, but not friends who knew my family and certainly not my family. Though i was so miserable during that time i look back and wonder that no one saw how unhappy i was. i wonder that no one asked me if everything was ok.
So that is the story of my marriage. The deceit and the lies of nearly 20 years have probably led me to the place i am now. That is why, when i started this thing with Sir, after a few months it became impossible for me to continue to lie to hubby about it. That is why i really want to tell everyone i know that the long term relationship they know about it something of a sham. It is a warning that while you can paper over the cracks, you can't actually prevent the whole thing coming tumbling down eventually.
There is a bit more to this, but i will leave it till later ........ To be continued.
Around a year ago, i was feeling particularly bored with my life. i was frustrated that as i approached my 50th birthday that i was in a rut. To those looking from the outside in it looked as if i had everything; a stable marriage of nearly 28 years, a good job, nice house, son doing well at university. All of those things were true, but actually that marriage was built on rocky foundations, perhaps set in quicksand. Few people in my life are aware of the truth behind the relationship between my husband and me. They know that we lived close to each other in our home town. They know that we first dated when i was just 15 and that we married soon after i qualified as a nurse. He was my only serious boyfriend. The only man i had had sex with. We seemed to be just right together, we loved and cared about each other, so people weren't surprised that we married so young (21 and 25).
Within 5 years though we were leading practically separate lives. He claimed he needed to work away from home quite a bit and at the same time i was working shifts, including nights, as a nurse. Our relationship was often volatile, as i tried to get him to be the kind of husband i thought i wanted (one who pulled his weight around the house mainly). Often when we were invited to go out with friends, he either didn't want to go, or wasn't around, looking back he was almost contemptuous of them (though not to their faces), so they drifted away. At some point i discovered he was seeing someone at work and after much consideration on both our parts he told me he had ended the other relationship. i was in love, i wanted our marriage to work, and so i forgave and i trusted. We told no one about what had happened, though i did go and stay with a friend who had recently had a baby and seem to remember hinting that things were not going well. It later transpired that when i was away, hubby had his lady friend to stay in our house, in my bed.
In 1990 i became pregnant with our son. i was oblivious to the fact that my husband was involved in a long term relationship with another woman. i was blind and deaf, wrapped up as i was in the world of myself and my son. Hubby worked away, that was what i and others knew. i remember a neighbour asking me if he still lived with me. i was mortified that they would think that, but looking back he was rarely home. On occasions we would go for Sunday lunch to my parents, meeting a few streets away in separate cars. We would then arrive for the family gathering together and later, leave together and then go our separate ways.
One day when my son was around 3, on a Saturday lunchtime, i was ironing in my dining room while my son played nearby. Hubby was apparently at work. A woman turned up at the door and i invited her in. She told me that she was in a relationship with my husband and that what was more, they were engaged to be married! I was incredulous; how could this be in any way true? He arrived home and shooed her away. i was in shock and for that reason can't exactly remember the rest of that day or the next few. A letter arrived, telling me all that she and my husband did together. It told me of weekends away, holidays, family events even an engagement party. Much of this has been denied since. Hubby maintains that she was obsessed with him and that he was too weak to say no. Somewhere between the two is probably the truth.
I have spent a lot of time since that time wondering why i stayed with my husband then. i do know that i was very frightened, of facing people, of having to cope alone, of the financial implications. So despite the fact that i didn't trust him. That every time he touched me, my skin crawled. That the time we were together was very difficult. We carried on. He ended the relationship (probably not immediately) and we carried on. We lived and worked. We did things together and apart. We settled down into a long period of relative stability.
i did tell one or two friends, but not friends who knew my family and certainly not my family. Though i was so miserable during that time i look back and wonder that no one saw how unhappy i was. i wonder that no one asked me if everything was ok.
So that is the story of my marriage. The deceit and the lies of nearly 20 years have probably led me to the place i am now. That is why, when i started this thing with Sir, after a few months it became impossible for me to continue to lie to hubby about it. That is why i really want to tell everyone i know that the long term relationship they know about it something of a sham. It is a warning that while you can paper over the cracks, you can't actually prevent the whole thing coming tumbling down eventually.
There is a bit more to this, but i will leave it till later ........ To be continued.
Friday, 9 November 2012
Love Our Lurkers
Since this is my first year of blogging around these parts it is my first Love Our Lurkers day. This is a day dedicated to those people who visit a blog but who rarely, if ever comment on that blog. Most of us began that way, exploring what might be a new area of interest, gaining the knowledge of life experiences from those living this lifestyle. Often they seem like places where the people who comment and get involved are the same people, close friends, a clique even. But once you get the nerve to write your name (which of course doesn't need to be your real one) and a short (or long) message, you find that everyone is very welcoming. The great thing about D/s bloggers is just how friendly they are. Pretty much without fail they give individual replies to those who leave a comment on their blogs. You also find that while people read each others blog and chat like friends, in most cases they don't actually know each other in real life. It is like a coffee shop where people meet for a coffee (maybe cake) and a chat, and then people go off on their way. Observers (lurkers) think they are close friends, but this is actually the only place they know each other from. And that's the way they like it.
I know quite a few of you who visit this place visit reasonably frequently. I actually know who some of my lurkers are as they communicate with me in other ways (email or through fetlife). Everyone is very welcome to leave me a comment, I will welcome you with open arms. Who knows I may even have the coffee on.....
I have to admit that I am not feeling all that engaged with things D/s this week. Sir has been a bit off colour after a minor 'procedure' and I am having work related stuff going on. This has meant the few chats we have had since last Saturday have been pretty ordinary nay vanilla in context and form. Not that this is a bad thing in itself, but it is just that it feels there is little to write here. I am spending time reading the blogs of others, sometimes lurking (of course we all still do it) and sometimes commenting. I often read the blogs of others to get inspiration, particularly at times like this when I don't have any exciting real life events to report and need some ideas to get me going. I get the feeling I am going to need some of those ideas in the coming weeks or else this will be a dull place where people won't even lurk, much less comment.
I do have some good old ordinary vanillaesque (new word people) weekend to look forward to. My college boy son is granting us a visit after 2 months in the world of books and whatever else they get up to. Hubby and I are off out for a night out tomorrow with some good friends and on Sunday I have my folks visiting for a good old fashioned Sunday Roast. None of these things are in any way kinky, but I know I will enjoy them and they will be fun. I can't ask more than that right now.
I know quite a few of you who visit this place visit reasonably frequently. I actually know who some of my lurkers are as they communicate with me in other ways (email or through fetlife). Everyone is very welcome to leave me a comment, I will welcome you with open arms. Who knows I may even have the coffee on.....
I have to admit that I am not feeling all that engaged with things D/s this week. Sir has been a bit off colour after a minor 'procedure' and I am having work related stuff going on. This has meant the few chats we have had since last Saturday have been pretty ordinary nay vanilla in context and form. Not that this is a bad thing in itself, but it is just that it feels there is little to write here. I am spending time reading the blogs of others, sometimes lurking (of course we all still do it) and sometimes commenting. I often read the blogs of others to get inspiration, particularly at times like this when I don't have any exciting real life events to report and need some ideas to get me going. I get the feeling I am going to need some of those ideas in the coming weeks or else this will be a dull place where people won't even lurk, much less comment.
I do have some good old ordinary vanillaesque (new word people) weekend to look forward to. My college boy son is granting us a visit after 2 months in the world of books and whatever else they get up to. Hubby and I are off out for a night out tomorrow with some good friends and on Sunday I have my folks visiting for a good old fashioned Sunday Roast. None of these things are in any way kinky, but I know I will enjoy them and they will be fun. I can't ask more than that right now.
Sunday, 28 October 2012
100th Blog post and 30 days of submission Day 27
I have been having one of those weekends where you potter around doing a bit of this and that. Some shopping, some housework, some surfing and some Bond. Yes Bond. On Friday we went to see Skyfall along with dinner out. The film was great and dinner was fine. I won't say anything about the film since people will be going to see it at different times, but I liked it. It was a good start to a pottering kind of weekend.
Today, we went out to a local out of town shopping kind of place to get the coat I want. I tried it on in one size too small and one size too big. I like the coat but neither sizes were quite right, so I ordered it online once we got home. Now, as I write this, hubby alternates between more Bond (there is a whole Sky channel devoted just to James Bond films) and football (the soccer kind) and his naughty kinky wife has been surfing the internet for suitable photos for her blog post 100. In my defense, I did the ironing first.
So that's the vanilla, family kind of life out of the way and here is the kinky side. I was thinking that in combining this momentous blog (number 100) with a day of submission, a picture like this would be appropriate.
This is the kind of position Sir likes me in, and this is how he likes me dressed. Many of our fantasies involve me wearing stockings and suspenders with some very high heels under whatever clothes i have on for the scene. Over the time it has taken to post 100 times here, i have come to enjoy this more and more. He has helped to nurture my submission, and to enjoy it. i in turn embrace it more and more.
So to Day 27 of 30 Days of Submission. This is highly appropriate:
Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?
We have explored many fantasies together. Some have been fulfilled and some are still there to be achieved. I would like to be bound more like this:
I would definitely like to spend more time restrained, perhaps blindfolded and gagged. I would like to explore how the senses can be made to respond when you are unable to see or speak and are restrained. To have Him make me keep my legs open for him, to have Him use me while i am unable to prevent him doing what he wants to me, appeals greatly.
I definitely would like to explore humiliation some more. I have a love / hate relationship with being made to dress in a provocative way while out in public. To touch and be touched in places where we might be discovered. But I would definitely like to be pushed to do much more of that.
I think what I am saying is there are more extremes of what we have done so far to be explored before I tackle new fantasies. But rest assured there will be more of those to think up too!
Photos from the mind circus
Today, we went out to a local out of town shopping kind of place to get the coat I want. I tried it on in one size too small and one size too big. I like the coat but neither sizes were quite right, so I ordered it online once we got home. Now, as I write this, hubby alternates between more Bond (there is a whole Sky channel devoted just to James Bond films) and football (the soccer kind) and his naughty kinky wife has been surfing the internet for suitable photos for her blog post 100. In my defense, I did the ironing first.
So that's the vanilla, family kind of life out of the way and here is the kinky side. I was thinking that in combining this momentous blog (number 100) with a day of submission, a picture like this would be appropriate.
This is the kind of position Sir likes me in, and this is how he likes me dressed. Many of our fantasies involve me wearing stockings and suspenders with some very high heels under whatever clothes i have on for the scene. Over the time it has taken to post 100 times here, i have come to enjoy this more and more. He has helped to nurture my submission, and to enjoy it. i in turn embrace it more and more.
So to Day 27 of 30 Days of Submission. This is highly appropriate:
Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?
We have explored many fantasies together. Some have been fulfilled and some are still there to be achieved. I would like to be bound more like this:
I definitely would like to explore humiliation some more. I have a love / hate relationship with being made to dress in a provocative way while out in public. To touch and be touched in places where we might be discovered. But I would definitely like to be pushed to do much more of that.
I think what I am saying is there are more extremes of what we have done so far to be explored before I tackle new fantasies. But rest assured there will be more of those to think up too!
Photos from the mind circus
Thursday, 4 October 2012
Back
France was great, though the weather on some days was less sunny and warm than i may have liked. I managed to swim in the sea though and to walk miles. I also ate some very good food and drank some lovely wine. Back to the diet asap! My world has been refreshingly vanilla. I make no excuses for admitting that other than a few email exchanges with Sir and some thoughts about what He might choose to do with me in those surroundings (slutty escapades in the outdoors, making use of the slatted railings to the mezzanine floor which served as our bedroom to name two) I have been in relaxing mode. I can't really explain how tired I felt before i left these shores, but it was very weary indeed.
I feel pretty refreshed, well i would be but Sir suggested an early morning skype this morning and i was too eager to see him to say no (not that i am good at turning him down at the best of times). We haven't done the skype thing before, and i was a bit reticent about him seeing me when i had only just woken up. But then i thought, how silly, he has seen me when asleep, let alone newly woken! We were a little naughty on there, but what are two adults to do when they haven't laid eyes on each other for 3 weeks and have another week to go.
One of the best things about having been away, with limited contact to each other is knowing that we have missed each other. It does the heart good to know that while i have been thinking about him, he has also been thinking of me. It reminds me of how much he means to me now, and what i mean to him. Counting down now to next Thursday. Much more of that in the days to come....
I feel pretty refreshed, well i would be but Sir suggested an early morning skype this morning and i was too eager to see him to say no (not that i am good at turning him down at the best of times). We haven't done the skype thing before, and i was a bit reticent about him seeing me when i had only just woken up. But then i thought, how silly, he has seen me when asleep, let alone newly woken! We were a little naughty on there, but what are two adults to do when they haven't laid eyes on each other for 3 weeks and have another week to go.
One of the best things about having been away, with limited contact to each other is knowing that we have missed each other. It does the heart good to know that while i have been thinking about him, he has also been thinking of me. It reminds me of how much he means to me now, and what i mean to him. Counting down now to next Thursday. Much more of that in the days to come....
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Interlude
Work has made me tired, it has been busy, but also we have the stress of knowing that from April 2013 structures of our services will have changed. When i return from my break i will have to start the process of applying for jobs (my own if it exists, or another if it doesn't). This is a good time to pause, reflect and recharge.
When i return i will have a few more days off, which i will need to catch up on everyone's blogs! See you then!
Saturday, 11 August 2012
Wet Run
Standing in front of my bedroom mirror in shortish dress that adequately covered my stockings and some very nice silver heels (i never realised when i bought those shoes how hard it would be to find clothes that would match them), i lifted my dress for him. He couldn't see this of course, he was over a hundred miles away and we don't do that webcam thing (not my cup of tea), rather we use the old fashioned phone. i described what could be seen if i bent over. We talked though meeting as if strangers in a coffee shop, me dropping something and bending over, my sitting opposite him and how much he might see if he looked under the table at my open legs. We talked about the possibility of walking around a supermarket together while my nipples were clamped. These discussions and writing about it now have an amazing effect on me. I reported that i was wet and sir as usual allowed me to touch myself and to orgasm for him.
Given a chance i would always prefer to be with Sir in person, giving myself to him. But when that can't happen online chats and definitely phone chats are a useful. They help remind me of who and what i am. They help me remember that i am his slut (he particularly likes me to tell him i am his slut, his whore as i cum) and they help set me up for whatever else i am going to do.
I worked till just after lunch time (not that i actually ate lunch at lunch time) then i prepared a picnic for my brother, his girlfriend, hubby and i and we headed off to the races for an evening meeting. Wearing the knickers i had been wearing all day (different dress, no stockings) i was reminded frequently of what had happened during the morning and the discussions we had had. At the racecourse we sat on a blanket on the ground between races. With the start of the race though i got up, jumped about a bit to encourage my horse on (you have to embrace these opportunities for a bit of excitement). This whole process of sitting, standing and realising where your underwear is definitely serves as a reminder (Sir will love this bit),about what you were doing in them earlier.
We had a great time, i choose my horses on the basis of their name, or if i have heard of the jockey and was unsuccessful this time. Hubby who applies some kind of secret knowledge to his decision making had a few good wins. Trouble is he tends to get a bit carried away and bets away his winnings given half a chance, on this occasion though i extracted a wad of cash which he can have back tomorrow. While there is no profit, the evening cost us the price of the admission, so that seems like a reasonable result.
There was a concert afterwards. Tom Jones still has a great voice and performed well. But he spent more time on music from his latest album rather than classic stuff, it was crowded, we couldn't get close enough to see properly and my back was aching (too much sitting then standing and jumping). Shortly before the end, feeling peckish (just the picnic all day) we headed off to a very nice Chinese restaurant and had a simple, reasonably light but very very nice meal before heading home.
My assessment of the day? Lovely in every way!
Picture: Woman standing in front of a mirror, Christopher Wilhelm Eckersberg (1783-1853)
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