For the first time in 30 years, hubby and I have been apart this Christmas. Indeed I have not seen him for 6 days. In that time, there have been a number of texts and one, quite unpleasant phone conversation on Christmas morning. I have spent time with our son, he and I have spent time on Christmas day with my parents and on boxing day with hubby's family.
From Christmas eve morning until boxing night I felt very low. Probably worse than I have felt for many months. I wasn't tearful like I was when S told me things were over between us in the summer, but I just felt low. Felt that everything was a chore, too much effort. But, because I am a reasonable actress and because I hate people being sorry for me, I pulled myself into shape and got on with things. My son and I exchanged presents on Christmas morning (a lopsided exchange of course), he gave me a lovely hug and was very attentive. Then we set off for a quiet Christmas day with my parents. When we arrived, unknown to me, I had been assigned the task of cooking Christmas dinner. I don't remember being asked, but as ever, I got on with things, and this year it was a small event. Later my teenage niece nephew arrived and we played some fun games. I went to bed feeling somewhat happier than I had in the morning.
On boxing day evening we went off to a family party hosted by hubby's parents. This was an awkward event. They asked me about what hubby was up to, when he had decided to help the homeless etc. I know little of what he has been up to and as far as I know he decided to help the homeless so he wouldn't have to face his and my family at Christmas. Still I pulled it off and my son told me later I did a good job.
So tomorrow, hubby is apparently putting in an appearance. I am hoping we can at least have a small amount of family time. This is part of my desire, from son's tone of voice when I told him, it is not his particularly. But we will see.
I am hopefully heading down to visit S for new year. I hope that this will help me gather the emotional and physical strength to face the things I need to in the first few days of January. You can't act in the way hubby is now and expect things to return to normal (no matter what he may think).
My new year hope is that I have some very kinky things to write about on this blog by this time next week.
Saturday, 28 December 2013
Monday, 23 December 2013
Change ahead?
Hubby announced at the end of last week that he wouldn't be spending Christmas with us. Instead he told me that he will be helping the homeless at a shelter in London. He told me that this is something he has always wanted to do. I really want to believe that this is true, and perhaps it is.
However, he has told me a number of (what I think are lies ) as part of the story. He has told me that he will be staying with a friend in London, a male friend. He has told me that he is not seeing anyone else.
Last night he was staying not in London, but somewhere else. I don't know who he is with, but I am sure it is not a male.
It is almost time to force a change, I just need to decide when that time should be.
I don't deserve to feel cheated, since I was the one to cheat first. But I do.
He has been incredibly upset about the lies I have told him and now he is lying to me.
The greatest sadness is that he doesn't feel able to tell me the whole truth and that is a shame.
I feel glad that I have my family around me who are being very supportive and I feel glad that I have S to provide additional friendship and support.
I think this will be a bit of a strange Christmas.
However, he has told me a number of (what I think are lies ) as part of the story. He has told me that he will be staying with a friend in London, a male friend. He has told me that he is not seeing anyone else.
Last night he was staying not in London, but somewhere else. I don't know who he is with, but I am sure it is not a male.
It is almost time to force a change, I just need to decide when that time should be.
I don't deserve to feel cheated, since I was the one to cheat first. But I do.
He has been incredibly upset about the lies I have told him and now he is lying to me.
The greatest sadness is that he doesn't feel able to tell me the whole truth and that is a shame.
I feel glad that I have my family around me who are being very supportive and I feel glad that I have S to provide additional friendship and support.
I think this will be a bit of a strange Christmas.
Sunday, 15 December 2013
Can't turn the clock back
I know that it doesn't have to be like this. I know that all I had to do in the summer when S and I finished (all be it briefly), was to tell hubby that I had made a mistake and that I wanted to try again. There have been many times since that day that I could have patched things up between us. But, how can I? The relationship he is offering me is not what I want. I have discovered things about myself over the past couple of years that I probably always knew. I can't turn the clock back and pretend otherwise.
Until April 2012 hubby was the only man I had had full intercourse with. I always knew there was more that I wanted and needed but I struggled to work out what it was. I also knew that I didn't really want that something else with hubby. I spent lots of time reading about sex, particularly since we have had a computer in the house. There were programmes about kink on the TV form time to time and I was curious, but I didn't do anything about that curiosity.
The beginning of the relationship with S coincided in a heightening of my curiosity and discovery about the kinky side of me. One didn't cause the other, they happened at the same time. I was reading about BDSM, particularly blogs and stories, and I was visiting kink related websites (like Fetlife) and chatrooms. It was in a kink chatroom that I met S for the first time. We chatted and played out a fantasy scene. I was aroused and I was even more curious. Over the following few days I discovered that I was willing to things he asked me to like wearing no panties, like playing with myself when in a public place, like wearing stockings. I found that being called a slut by him turned me on. I found I wanted to please him. I discovered my submissive side and I liked it.
A defining moment came on the day I bought a butt plug and inserted it, in a car park while on the phone to him. He told me I was a good slut. I loved the feeling of that plug inside me, but I loved the feeling of being told I was a good slut and that he was pleased with me even more. A few days later I met him and was bending over while he spanked me and then claimed me for his own.
I am not a different person to the one I was 2 years ago, but I have explored my limits and I have found I want more than I ever knew from a relationship. I know I can't go back to the way I was then, and what is more I don't want to. I am kinky and that is something I just am. I didn't choose this, but you know what I am not sorry.
Photo from Austi81
Saturday, 14 December 2013
Looking backwards....looking forwards
Its that time of year, a time to think about what has happened over the past 11 and a half months and wondering what is in store.
Often I think I am here, treading water. I feel that no progress is being made. But then again when I look back and see what has happened this year, when I look at how things are right now, maybe I am not quite as stationary as I think.
The relationship with hubby is progressing slowly, surely in the direction of the exit. We both know this, even if at times (usually different times) we try to pretend otherwise. The truth is that 30 years is a long time to be married. Our whole lives have been bound up for so long, it is difficult to quite see the future without each other. He, is at last showing signs that he is beginning to come to terms with things. He seems happier in himself (or maybe more resigned to reality), this may have been helped by the lady on the photos that have accidentally been transferred from his iPhone to my iPad (oh dear, he can be careless too). I prefer to think of him being a little happier than he was earlier in the year, when he said he felt he belonged no where. He still maintains he is visiting male friends every weekend and out with the same friends nearly every night. No one can go out that much without collapsing (especially at his age). At some time soon, we will have to say what needs saying and maybe he might tell me what he is up to. Mean time, we dance around each other a bit.
Today I have a family party, my whole family getting together for my dad's birthday. Dad isn't too well and he is of the opinion that he wants to celebrate each birthday in case it is his last. My brothers and their partners will be there, along with some of my nephews and nieces. My son will be there too. Hubby won't. This feels like a landmark since in the past we have always turned up to each others family occasions. Hubby says he will only do the things he wants to do now and he doesn't want to do this. I have booked hotel rooms for my son and myself so I can have a couple of glasses of wine and not have to drive home.
The man formerly known as Sir is still around. The decision we made back in the summer, to be friends and to get together when we both want to, seems to be working. We really are very good friends and continue to help each other through our relationship issues with ex / soon to be ex partners. There is no D/s when we are not together. He is not my master while I go about my life, he is not even my master when we are together and doing ordinary things together. However when it comes to deciding when, where and how we have sex, he is definitely in charge and he is my master. This sounds like we are playing at something, but I don't think we are. It is how this relationship has developed and how it is. If he decides I will get on my knees and suck his cock, then I am going to do it. If he decides I should wear stockings, no underwear, or whatever when we are together, then that is how I am dressed.
For me it is about being able to let go of everything. To leave the decision making to him. To trust that he knows what he wants and what is best for me and to make sure we both get the best of the situation. Sometimes our sex is a kind of kinky vanilla and sometimes there are clamps, spanking, restraint, perhaps the riding crop makes an appearance. I never know how it will play out and I like it like that. There is always an expectation that I will worship his cock and that is something I love to do. He loves to remind me that he is the only one I have had anal sex with, that his is the only cock I love to suck. He loves to tell me how well he has trained me, and he loves me to tell him that he is the one who has turned me into the slut I now am.
Distance means we can't spend as much time together as I (and I think he) would like, but I am happy for this relationship to last in the way it is for as long as it is right for both of us.
I kind of know what the future holds, but for now I am not looking too far ahead. Living the moment, and the moment isn't really too bad.
Often I think I am here, treading water. I feel that no progress is being made. But then again when I look back and see what has happened this year, when I look at how things are right now, maybe I am not quite as stationary as I think.
The relationship with hubby is progressing slowly, surely in the direction of the exit. We both know this, even if at times (usually different times) we try to pretend otherwise. The truth is that 30 years is a long time to be married. Our whole lives have been bound up for so long, it is difficult to quite see the future without each other. He, is at last showing signs that he is beginning to come to terms with things. He seems happier in himself (or maybe more resigned to reality), this may have been helped by the lady on the photos that have accidentally been transferred from his iPhone to my iPad (oh dear, he can be careless too). I prefer to think of him being a little happier than he was earlier in the year, when he said he felt he belonged no where. He still maintains he is visiting male friends every weekend and out with the same friends nearly every night. No one can go out that much without collapsing (especially at his age). At some time soon, we will have to say what needs saying and maybe he might tell me what he is up to. Mean time, we dance around each other a bit.
Today I have a family party, my whole family getting together for my dad's birthday. Dad isn't too well and he is of the opinion that he wants to celebrate each birthday in case it is his last. My brothers and their partners will be there, along with some of my nephews and nieces. My son will be there too. Hubby won't. This feels like a landmark since in the past we have always turned up to each others family occasions. Hubby says he will only do the things he wants to do now and he doesn't want to do this. I have booked hotel rooms for my son and myself so I can have a couple of glasses of wine and not have to drive home.
The man formerly known as Sir is still around. The decision we made back in the summer, to be friends and to get together when we both want to, seems to be working. We really are very good friends and continue to help each other through our relationship issues with ex / soon to be ex partners. There is no D/s when we are not together. He is not my master while I go about my life, he is not even my master when we are together and doing ordinary things together. However when it comes to deciding when, where and how we have sex, he is definitely in charge and he is my master. This sounds like we are playing at something, but I don't think we are. It is how this relationship has developed and how it is. If he decides I will get on my knees and suck his cock, then I am going to do it. If he decides I should wear stockings, no underwear, or whatever when we are together, then that is how I am dressed.
For me it is about being able to let go of everything. To leave the decision making to him. To trust that he knows what he wants and what is best for me and to make sure we both get the best of the situation. Sometimes our sex is a kind of kinky vanilla and sometimes there are clamps, spanking, restraint, perhaps the riding crop makes an appearance. I never know how it will play out and I like it like that. There is always an expectation that I will worship his cock and that is something I love to do. He loves to remind me that he is the only one I have had anal sex with, that his is the only cock I love to suck. He loves to tell me how well he has trained me, and he loves me to tell him that he is the one who has turned me into the slut I now am.
Distance means we can't spend as much time together as I (and I think he) would like, but I am happy for this relationship to last in the way it is for as long as it is right for both of us.
I kind of know what the future holds, but for now I am not looking too far ahead. Living the moment, and the moment isn't really too bad.
Thursday, 12 December 2013
A gift from Fondles
I am gearing up to write a proper post, really I am. Life is just busy right now, and it is also complex. I have some time off coming up and I promise to give a proper update.
For now though, I am gifted a quiz by Fondles which gives a hint of life for joolz right now.
1. Does the cock you worship have a name? Would you like to give him one?
-- No and not really. I do love His cock but no, a name in not necessary
2. What's the max number of times you've worshipped cock in a 24 hour period?
-- Often we only get 24 hours in any 2-3 week period so lots of worship is required. Essentially during that time, my purpose is to worship His cock whenever he wants. Generally 3-4 times I would say (in whichever way he chooses).
3. How often does cock-worshipping take place?
-- Sadly not often enough. But we make the most of that time!
4. When worshipping cock, do you start with balls? [Yes / No and elaborate please.]
-- No, I generally start with the cock and move on to the balls
5. Do / Can you deep throat?
-- This is a skill that I am still perfecting, but am pleased to report that I am getting much better at it.
6. Spit or swallow? (Yeah yeah, I had to right?)
-- Swallow every time thanks
7. What do you focus on when worshipping cock?
-- On giving him the pleasure he deserves. I concentrate on going deep and on getting my mouth around the size of him again. I try to shut out other thoughts and concentrate on the cock. It seems to work
8. How long is a typical cock worshipping session for you?
-- It might be a few minutes it might be longer, generally time passes and often I am surprised just how many.
9. What is your favourite cock worshipping position?
-- It depends on the situation. There is nothing like dropping to my knees soon after I have arrived to see him. Then there is on my back with his cock slipping further and further down. Then there is him on his back in the early morning while I go down on him.....
10. If you had to give up oral sex, which would you choose - never giving again, or never getting again?
-- mmm difficult as since I discovered I like to give him oral, I can't imagine not, but then again I love to receive....... on balance it is of course always better to give than receive....
For now though, I am gifted a quiz by Fondles which gives a hint of life for joolz right now.
1. Does the cock you worship have a name? Would you like to give him one?
-- No and not really. I do love His cock but no, a name in not necessary
2. What's the max number of times you've worshipped cock in a 24 hour period?
-- Often we only get 24 hours in any 2-3 week period so lots of worship is required. Essentially during that time, my purpose is to worship His cock whenever he wants. Generally 3-4 times I would say (in whichever way he chooses).
3. How often does cock-worshipping take place?
-- Sadly not often enough. But we make the most of that time!
4. When worshipping cock, do you start with balls? [Yes / No and elaborate please.]
-- No, I generally start with the cock and move on to the balls
5. Do / Can you deep throat?
-- This is a skill that I am still perfecting, but am pleased to report that I am getting much better at it.
6. Spit or swallow? (Yeah yeah, I had to right?)
-- Swallow every time thanks
7. What do you focus on when worshipping cock?
-- On giving him the pleasure he deserves. I concentrate on going deep and on getting my mouth around the size of him again. I try to shut out other thoughts and concentrate on the cock. It seems to work
8. How long is a typical cock worshipping session for you?
-- It might be a few minutes it might be longer, generally time passes and often I am surprised just how many.
9. What is your favourite cock worshipping position?
-- It depends on the situation. There is nothing like dropping to my knees soon after I have arrived to see him. Then there is on my back with his cock slipping further and further down. Then there is him on his back in the early morning while I go down on him.....
10. If you had to give up oral sex, which would you choose - never giving again, or never getting again?
-- mmm difficult as since I discovered I like to give him oral, I can't imagine not, but then again I love to receive....... on balance it is of course always better to give than receive....
Monday, 4 November 2013
New experiences
The world of Joolz moves on in a positive but maybe uninteresting way.
I was with S a couple of weeks ago and things were good. I think he had been reading my blog, because he reintroduced the nipple clamps and the riding crop. There is always something of a balance between pleasure and pain in these things but generally it would be true to say that an increasing amount of pain leads to lots of pleasure. Our relationship also strikes a good amount of balance. Friends vs sexual and DS benefits - who could complain? Not me that's for sure.
So I have been in France for 5 days now. On my own with no hubby. For the first few days I had friends here, but since Saturday, for the first time, I am alone. Do you know what? I like it!
Despite the fact I have been here numerous times before, I have found new places. On foot, by car and a new thing for me, by bike. Egged on by S, yesterday I completed a very long (by any ones standards) bike ride. Ok, on the flat and in the name of geocaching. But when I reached the end of my ride to get my caches, I rode another 7.5k to get back to civilisation.
I decided that I should have beer. People who cycle for 30k or whatever it was deserve beer. So after locking up my bike in my apartment bike shed, I went to a local bar. Sadly the usual draft beer was unavailable (this is off season, so I guess they are running stocks down), so the lady persuaded me to a bottle of beer. It went down nicely. But as I stood up I felt even more shaky than was expected after 30k. That beer was 7.5% proof!! Not surprisingly I needed a little sleep after my dinner.
Tomorrow, I travel home.
Normal life, but, all is well.
Hope to see S soon.
Thursday, 17 October 2013
Random stuff
I have been commuting into London for a couple of months now. Generally the whole thing is better than I imagined and the trains a more often on time than I would have thought (probably 40% of the time). This is ok, since any lateness is a) not significant and b) not noticed as I work very hard when I am there (as you would expect).
I was reading Tori's blog Which had me thinking about the stuff that just happens to me.
Within days of commuting I had got onto the wrong train, one that got me to the place I wanted by 15 other places rather than 2! Last night I did things the other way round. The train was going incredibly fast, I wondered for a few minutes if I would end up far far beyond where I wanted to be. But no, just one station from my stop and then I travelled back one station and arrived before I would have if I had taken the right train - how cool is that?
I am having a new kitchen fitted this week. Tonight I have a new oven.
Tonight I managed to burn a very simple oven based meal. Pies and potato wedges!!!
Son came to the rescue and £20 later we had pizza and chicken wings (the latter he ate pretty much all of)
This weekend I am seeing S.
He is having my old cooker (one which I could never burn a simple meal in) and we are going to an apple festival.
I will have to report about that on Sunday.
Yes, life remains good even if there is a kind of burnt in smell around here, right now!
I was reading Tori's blog Which had me thinking about the stuff that just happens to me.
Within days of commuting I had got onto the wrong train, one that got me to the place I wanted by 15 other places rather than 2! Last night I did things the other way round. The train was going incredibly fast, I wondered for a few minutes if I would end up far far beyond where I wanted to be. But no, just one station from my stop and then I travelled back one station and arrived before I would have if I had taken the right train - how cool is that?
I am having a new kitchen fitted this week. Tonight I have a new oven.
Tonight I managed to burn a very simple oven based meal. Pies and potato wedges!!!
Son came to the rescue and £20 later we had pizza and chicken wings (the latter he ate pretty much all of)
This weekend I am seeing S.
He is having my old cooker (one which I could never burn a simple meal in) and we are going to an apple festival.
I will have to report about that on Sunday.
Yes, life remains good even if there is a kind of burnt in smell around here, right now!
Saturday, 12 October 2013
Life feels good
I haven't posted here for a few weeks. For once, it isn't because I don't want to write something, or because there has been nothing to say. It is just because I have been busy; and in a good way.
I spent part of last weekend with S. After a day of getting on top of home related things (Cupboard clearing part of the preparation for a new kitchen which gets fitted this coming week), I set off. For once, the roads were clear and within 2 hours (trust me that is good going), I was with him. We spent a pleasant evening with some of his friends - BBQ, wine and good conversation - in what will be the last evening out of doors this year.
Back at his we were not late to bed. We were both weary (he had been on a cycle ride during the day and I had as I said been busy in the kitchen), but a few kisses led to some touches and before I knew it, he was inside me. After 3 weeks, it was a wonderful feeling as he pushed inside and stretched me once again. Then as we moved together, as he made me cum and then as he pushed his cock into my tight tight ass. Finally as he came inside me, I felt a huge sense of pleasure and well being.
In the morning S cooked us some very good scrambled eggs with toast - did I ever say how much he looks after me when I am with him? Yes of course, but it is worth saying that he is a great cook!! So much so that I don't really like scrambled eggs, but love his!!
The day was beautiful, more like summer than some summer days often are. We spent some time planning a geocaching trip. Then, went back to bed.
This time I put on some underwear. Stockings and suspenders, heels - his favourite kind of thing. Then lay in wait.
Stroking me, he noted just how wet I was. Wet and wanton. Positioning himself so he could carry on stroking me, he made it clear he wanted me to suck his cock. I took him into my mouth, gradually taking him deeper. Somehow, I was in the optimum position and he slipped further and further down, yet unusually for me, I didn't gag. Not even once! All the time, he was working my clit, stroking me there, pinching and bringing me to the edge, time and time again. For the first time in maybe months I really let myself sink into those feelings.
At some point, I requested nipple clamps. But he said he wasn't quite sure where they were, so applied a human version. There were moments over the next little while when I wondered quite why I had made that request, but as always there was a fine line between pain and pleasure and so pleasure won!
We spent the day out in the beautiful countryside not far from where S lives. Walking, chatting, getting my all time best number of caches in a day. Eating our picnic, drinking our tea. Generally enjoying each others company.
On the way home, it occurred to me that I am just pretty happy right now. Things with S are different to before. I am not sure how, but they are and what is more they are different in a very good way.
Sunday, 22 September 2013
An evening together
The place he was staying, courtesy of work, was about an hour away. Certainly I was there an hour after getting into my car to get to him. I think that if we lived an hour from each other, rather than 2 or more, life would be much much easier.
He had a room overlooking a road bridge. This greatly appealed to his kinky side. He could stand behind me, touching me and finally pushing inside me while I bent over the top floor window. While a few hundred metres away, hundreds and hundreds of cars drove by. The drivers slowing for the toll booth oblivious as to what was going on nearby.
It was a large room with a very large bed. We made good use of it very quickly. Riding him, he told me to 'fuck his cock slut'. Of course I rode him hard, moving myself up and down on him.
Then on all fours, he was inside me from behind. Pounding hard into me. Just what we both needed. The best way to relieve the stresses of the working day. At last he pushed into my backside and he owned me again. We were connected as only we can. Wonderful.
Dinner, then watching tv together. I have to admit to drifting off a few times as I really was tired. But what a treat to spend time like this.
Then to bed.
He stroked me, bringing me to orgasm. We both expected that we would soon sleep. But feeling his cock, I realised it was pretty hard and so, I found my way down to take it in my mouth. From there it was a matter of time before he was inside me again. Hard, hot and then cumming.
It was just an evening after work, but it was very very special. It was how I would like more of my evenings to be, though I don't necessarily need to be in a hotel to do it. I just need to be living about an hour away from him.
Saturday, 21 September 2013
Truth and lies
I am not by nature someone who tells lies, though as a not very popular child at school I told some quite big ones to try to get people to like me, but that is another story entirely. As an adult, I have usually tried be true to myself and true to others. I don't lie.
Over the last 18 months or so though, I have told many many lies.
I have lied to hubby, something well documented here and I have lied to others. Usually about where I have been and who with.
Around last November, also well documented here, I began to tell the truth. To hubby firstly and most painfully. Then to members of my family, to friends and to my son. Well I say I told the truth, because to each one I have told a version of the truth, one that I have decided best suits who they are and what they need to know.
Now, once again I am telling lies. In July when S and I parted I told hubby what had happened. The months and months of verbal abuse I endured from him, stopped. So when a month later, S and I got together again, I lied by omission. For some weeks this has not been a problem, since hubby has not been here. Until Tuesday night, we had not spent one evening or night under the same roof since the end of July. On Tuesday he came home, and he stayed home for 3 nights. He might have come home on Monday, but I was not here.
I told him I was going to a conference on Tuesday and to make things easy, travel wise, I was going to a hotel on Monday night. I did go to a hotel, but there was not conference. On Tuesday I was at work as usual. On Monday evening hubby was busy searching my wardrobe to see what was missing. He discovered that some shoes I didn't know he had ever seen, were gone. Therefore he accused me of lying. Accused me of being with someone. Of being with S.
I have maintained my story and told him that I threw the shoes out. He and I know this is a lie. But I refuse to back down.
I don't like to lie to him. But actually I don't feel that we have the kind of relationship any more where he deserves the truth.
I don't love this man as a wife loves her husband. He is no longer my lover and right now he is not really a friend either.
We are heading now towards the inevitable. I have suggested counselling, but he quite rightly says this will not make me love him when I say I don't.
I pursue my own happiness, but know that in the process I am causing distress and sadness.
I long to tell the truth and be happy about it. I hope soon it becomes a reality and there are no more lies.
Over the last 18 months or so though, I have told many many lies.
I have lied to hubby, something well documented here and I have lied to others. Usually about where I have been and who with.
Around last November, also well documented here, I began to tell the truth. To hubby firstly and most painfully. Then to members of my family, to friends and to my son. Well I say I told the truth, because to each one I have told a version of the truth, one that I have decided best suits who they are and what they need to know.
Now, once again I am telling lies. In July when S and I parted I told hubby what had happened. The months and months of verbal abuse I endured from him, stopped. So when a month later, S and I got together again, I lied by omission. For some weeks this has not been a problem, since hubby has not been here. Until Tuesday night, we had not spent one evening or night under the same roof since the end of July. On Tuesday he came home, and he stayed home for 3 nights. He might have come home on Monday, but I was not here.
I told him I was going to a conference on Tuesday and to make things easy, travel wise, I was going to a hotel on Monday night. I did go to a hotel, but there was not conference. On Tuesday I was at work as usual. On Monday evening hubby was busy searching my wardrobe to see what was missing. He discovered that some shoes I didn't know he had ever seen, were gone. Therefore he accused me of lying. Accused me of being with someone. Of being with S.
I have maintained my story and told him that I threw the shoes out. He and I know this is a lie. But I refuse to back down.
I don't like to lie to him. But actually I don't feel that we have the kind of relationship any more where he deserves the truth.
I don't love this man as a wife loves her husband. He is no longer my lover and right now he is not really a friend either.
We are heading now towards the inevitable. I have suggested counselling, but he quite rightly says this will not make me love him when I say I don't.
I pursue my own happiness, but know that in the process I am causing distress and sadness.
I long to tell the truth and be happy about it. I hope soon it becomes a reality and there are no more lies.
Sunday, 15 September 2013
What I am looking forward to
I am seeing S tomorrow night. Unusually for us, fate
has offered the opportunity for a night together just a week after the last
one. He is on a course and needs to stay in a hotel and that hotel is easily
accessible to me after work (traffic permitting).
I have been feeling unusually horny over this weekend.
I am not sure if that's because I know I will be seeing him or if it is my
hormones. Like other bloggers, I am peri-menopausal (1 period since March, hot
flushes, strange food cravings etc) and so my hormones are all over the place.
Recently I have had pretty much no need for the rabbit, since I haven't been
too bothered about an orgasm, but this weekend I have felt differently. The new
state of our relationship has meant (as I said yesterday), that he has been
even more attentive to my needs than usual. This weekend though, I have even
been looking at BDSM porn. Quite unusual for me.
The things I crave and hope to experience tomorrow:
His fingers on my clit as we kiss. He likes quick
access to his pussy and generally gets it. I will be wearing a dress and think
I might put the stockings on before I drive over and then the heels when I get
to his hotel. The fact that this will turn him on, will make me wet even as I
drive over there.
Pain - as he twists my nipples, and as he spanks me. I
have been thinking about nipple clamps this weekend and that special pain that
spreads through your breasts and into your clit. I am definitely considering
nipple piercing now and I know he will love that. The combination of nipple
pain and pressure on my clit is likely to make my knees weak (if standing).
His cock - I suppose I should have put this first, and
I pretty much expect to have my mouth filled very soon after I arrive. That
slightly salty but also sweet taste as the first precum oozes out is a
favourite thing. Also the feeling of the tip hitting the back of my throat and
making me gag. If I am in love with any part of that man, it is probably his
cock - it is a good one and of course he knows it.
His cock - inside my pussy. As he pushes it in and I
have to stretch to accommodate him. That is an amazing feeling. I love to be
joined to him, to feel him inside. He doesn't often cum inside my pussy, but
when he does it almost sends me into oblivion.
His cock - pushing inside my anus. Slowly, slowly
stretching me. Entering me in his own special way that no one else has ever
done. That part of our time together is about his ownership. When his cock is
inside there, he possesses me, I am his slut. At that point there is no doubt
of who we are. He is my Dominant and I am his submissive.
When I leave on Tuesday morning I will remember the
little things that have happened and the things that we have said to each
other. As I drive, I will wriggle a little around the seat in my car. I will be
able to taste him, feel his hands, but most of all I will be able to feel his
cock inside my backside. That will stay with me all day, at least.
Photo: Oral pleasuresSaturday, 14 September 2013
No longer lost, but not quite found either
Due to the unpleasantness I experienced from hubby all of the time he knew of my affair with S, I have decided not to tell him about the recent turn of events. So he doesn't know I am seeing S again. I feel a little guilty about this, but the emphasis is on 'little'. Although we appear to live together still. i.e. he has his belongings here and he visits pretty much daily, actually we really aren't. I don't actually remember the last time we spent an evening together, or indeed the last time he stayed the night here. He returned on Thursday from a trip to Rome with a friend, appearing on Friday morning to get ready for work. He lay on the bed and held my hand, he told me he had missed me and asked if we could have lunch together. My new job means I can't just drop everything and come home, and we work quite a distance from each other. I suggested lunch today, and he said he couldn't do that as he is helping a friend with a job in his garden. So essentially we remain in limbo, unable or perhaps unwilling to have the conversation which will bring things to their natural conclusion. Meanwhile, since we see so little of each other, we are actually on good terms. We are able to text and talk on the phone, without unpleasantness, but then part of that is because he thinks he no longer needs to say anything unpleasant given that he doesn't know I have seen S again.
The fact is that I have a marriage which might be on its last legs, but which is harder to let go of after nearly 30 years than I might have imagined.
I have a relationship with S which is based on trust, friendship and lust. It contains kinky sex, a bit of humiliation, dressing up for my man and also some pain. If anything he is enjoying showing me how much he cares for me, and attending to my needs just that little bit more.
I still feel like I am on some kind of journey, I just don't quite know where I am headed, and how long it will take. I guess though that I will know when I am there and what's more, I will enjoy myself on the way. For now, that will do for me.
Photo from myboundwife.com
Wednesday, 11 September 2013
The mirror
He decided that he wanted me to stay fully clothed. So skirt hitched up, knickers off, I knelt on the bed.
His hands moved over me, feeling my clit once again, bringing me closer and closer to orgasm.
"Sit on my face" he instructed. Of course, I gladly complied. He has the most amazing tongue. Searching, feeling and teasing. At the same time his hands on my nipples. Squeezing, twisting. Of course I came. I asked, he permitted it; we both loved it.
On my side he plunged his cock into me.
I think that's when we noticed the mirror. Full length, between the bathroom and the vanity unit. I looked like some kind of wanton slut, enjoying her man's cock. He saw just that, probably because that was exactly what was happening.
He loved it. For once he could see the expression on my face. Could see how much I was loving having his cock inside me.
It wasn't long before I was on my hands and knees facing the mirror and his cock was somewhere else. He loves to own my arse. and seeing my face as he did so was something new, special and a massive turn on for us both.
Later there was time to cuddle up together, kiss and caress. Time for a film and then a meal in a really good indian restaurant.
In the morning after he had already left to get home in time for work, I dried myself in front of that mirror after my shower. I definitely smiled at the wonderful memory.
His hands moved over me, feeling my clit once again, bringing me closer and closer to orgasm.
"Sit on my face" he instructed. Of course, I gladly complied. He has the most amazing tongue. Searching, feeling and teasing. At the same time his hands on my nipples. Squeezing, twisting. Of course I came. I asked, he permitted it; we both loved it.
On my side he plunged his cock into me.
I think that's when we noticed the mirror. Full length, between the bathroom and the vanity unit. I looked like some kind of wanton slut, enjoying her man's cock. He saw just that, probably because that was exactly what was happening.
He loved it. For once he could see the expression on my face. Could see how much I was loving having his cock inside me.
It wasn't long before I was on my hands and knees facing the mirror and his cock was somewhere else. He loves to own my arse. and seeing my face as he did so was something new, special and a massive turn on for us both.
Later there was time to cuddle up together, kiss and caress. Time for a film and then a meal in a really good indian restaurant.
In the morning after he had already left to get home in time for work, I dried myself in front of that mirror after my shower. I definitely smiled at the wonderful memory.
Tuesday, 10 September 2013
His slut
She wore a tight grey skirt, with a cream top. Heels.
Every bit the business woman?
Well a cream top with black bra?
Seamed stockings?
As they entered the bar, she looked around and saw people in casual dress. It was Sunday, so people were out for lunch, socialising, chatting.
He observed that men looked at her legs, observed the heels, skirt, blouse, bra. He loved it - his slut watched by other men in this way.
As they sat with their drinks, he told her to open her legs for him. Of course she complied.
She tried to chat normally, he smiled at the idea that they were observed in this way. Last time they had sat in this bar, she had felt conspicuous by her dress and demeanour. This time she ignored any embarrassment, proud to be HIS slut.
They finished their drinks, and headed for their room. Outside the door, he paused and ran his hand up her stockinged leg, inside her panties. she gasped as his fingers stroked her wet pussy, her clit. Taking his hand away, he undid the zip on his trousers, releasing his large, hard cock. She was on her knees before he told her to suck.
Gratefully she took him into her mouth. Closing her eyes, she tried to block out the sounds in the pub area below. Instead she concentrated on the feel of him, the taste and smell. She was pleased to have her mouth filled with him at last.
Then as she got to her feet, he used the key card to admit them to the privacy of their room.
He had loved that she had looked every bit his slut in the bar and that she had behaved like one outside the room. Now, she would be His slut in the room. They both knew what would happen next.......
Every bit the business woman?
Well a cream top with black bra?
Seamed stockings?
As they entered the bar, she looked around and saw people in casual dress. It was Sunday, so people were out for lunch, socialising, chatting.
He observed that men looked at her legs, observed the heels, skirt, blouse, bra. He loved it - his slut watched by other men in this way.
As they sat with their drinks, he told her to open her legs for him. Of course she complied.
She tried to chat normally, he smiled at the idea that they were observed in this way. Last time they had sat in this bar, she had felt conspicuous by her dress and demeanour. This time she ignored any embarrassment, proud to be HIS slut.
They finished their drinks, and headed for their room. Outside the door, he paused and ran his hand up her stockinged leg, inside her panties. she gasped as his fingers stroked her wet pussy, her clit. Taking his hand away, he undid the zip on his trousers, releasing his large, hard cock. She was on her knees before he told her to suck.
Gratefully she took him into her mouth. Closing her eyes, she tried to block out the sounds in the pub area below. Instead she concentrated on the feel of him, the taste and smell. She was pleased to have her mouth filled with him at last.
Then as she got to her feet, he used the key card to admit them to the privacy of their room.
He had loved that she had looked every bit his slut in the bar and that she had behaved like one outside the room. Now, she would be His slut in the room. They both knew what would happen next.......
Saturday, 7 September 2013
Still here
I haven't had much to write about over the past couple of weeks, plus I have been busy with work and things. That doesn't mean I am not here and it doesn't mean I am not keeping up to date with other blogs.
Reading what everyone else is up in their daily lives makes me a little jealous. More and more, I would like to be in a relationship where the D/s and the sex didn't have to be planned out. Living in the marital home, mostly without a husband, a hundred miles from the man I am involved with is not conducive to spontaneity. It is not as if he can call round and make demands on me, any more than I can call round his and offer myself to him. Still we are where we are and generally things are good.
Having said that, we have something planned out for tomorrow. What is more, we are heading back to the hotel where we first met. The place where I lost my virginity (so to speak), where I dressed in clothes which could only be described as slutty - short skirt, wrap around top, black stockings and heels. Walked into the hotel bar and essentially picked up my man. I was beyond nervous, so much so that I remember little about the whole thing, other than we had a lot of sex for a very long time and that I had anal for the first time. I know that I knelt before him and sucked him and that he used me. I also know that it was good, because I came back for more, much more.
Tomorrow, things will be a little different. For one thing we know each other well. Things will be much more relaxed than that first time. Plus we are going to get out into the countryside, picnic and geocache. But he will again take on the role of Master and I will be his submissive. He may well have me suck him in the woods, he will probably touch what is his and I will do what he wants willingly. Back in the room, I will dress for him in the way he likes and he will call me his slut. He will tell me to bend over and I am pretty sure he will slap me, perhaps with his hand, a belt, or if I am lucky he will have brought the riding crop! If I am even luckier he will have brought the nipple clamps and my nipples will be already tingling and burning.
For a few hours I will be his again. His to use as he wishes. That is what we are offering each other right now, and that is what we accept. For now this will do because I like being with him, he likes being with me and life is complicated enough to not take what you can from it.
Definitely more to come in a couple of days.
Reading what everyone else is up in their daily lives makes me a little jealous. More and more, I would like to be in a relationship where the D/s and the sex didn't have to be planned out. Living in the marital home, mostly without a husband, a hundred miles from the man I am involved with is not conducive to spontaneity. It is not as if he can call round and make demands on me, any more than I can call round his and offer myself to him. Still we are where we are and generally things are good.
Having said that, we have something planned out for tomorrow. What is more, we are heading back to the hotel where we first met. The place where I lost my virginity (so to speak), where I dressed in clothes which could only be described as slutty - short skirt, wrap around top, black stockings and heels. Walked into the hotel bar and essentially picked up my man. I was beyond nervous, so much so that I remember little about the whole thing, other than we had a lot of sex for a very long time and that I had anal for the first time. I know that I knelt before him and sucked him and that he used me. I also know that it was good, because I came back for more, much more.
Tomorrow, things will be a little different. For one thing we know each other well. Things will be much more relaxed than that first time. Plus we are going to get out into the countryside, picnic and geocache. But he will again take on the role of Master and I will be his submissive. He may well have me suck him in the woods, he will probably touch what is his and I will do what he wants willingly. Back in the room, I will dress for him in the way he likes and he will call me his slut. He will tell me to bend over and I am pretty sure he will slap me, perhaps with his hand, a belt, or if I am lucky he will have brought the riding crop! If I am even luckier he will have brought the nipple clamps and my nipples will be already tingling and burning.
For a few hours I will be his again. His to use as he wishes. That is what we are offering each other right now, and that is what we accept. For now this will do because I like being with him, he likes being with me and life is complicated enough to not take what you can from it.
Definitely more to come in a couple of days.
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
Never say never
The weekend went well.
There was no guarantee it would, but it did.
I was tentative as I arrived and he seemed as nervous around me as I was around him. Neither of us knew whether it would be the same.
In one way it was quite different. Neither of us took our D/s roles for granted. Indeed if anything he wanted me to take something of a dominant role to begin with. He wanted to please me and he wanted me to tell him how angry I was with him, to tell him how much of a bastard I thought he was. Trouble is, when you are sitting on someones face while they lick you, and turn you on more than you have been turned on in a month, it is hard to hate them. Especially when that someone is a man who you still desire, much as you would like to pretend otherwise.
The scene we played out at that point was that I was no longer any one's slut, let alone his and it was his mission to turn me on so much, make me so wild with desire that I would revert. As I said to him, I couldn't even play hard to get, since I wanted his cock so much! I didn't call him Sir, not then. The sex was kinky, but there was no overt declaration of our roles. We both took what we needed from each other and that was enough.
The rest of the day was just fun. There was lunch, then a trip out for a walk, trip to a local museum and a new hobby of geocaching which he has just taken up and a bug for which he has now infected me with. Then in the evening dinner, a couple of films and just generally being together.
I knew we needed to talk about what had happened, but was happy to wait until the following morning, after breakfast.
Things in the new relationship did not go to plan, he is sorry he hurt me, I am sorry he hurt me, but also I expressed my surprise at the extent to which I was so affected by our break up. We talked through some of the reasons for that (I will try to put some of it into my journey page some time soon) and then we moved on to getting some pleasure from each other's bodies.
What I can say is that we still turn each other on. He still knows how to touch me, how to kiss me and just where to put his tongue for maximum pleasure. I worshipped his wonderful cock and my reward was having him put it wherever he wanted. I guess that was his reward too. Plus I admitted he was still my Master and there is very little else to say about the matter here and now.
They say never go back. I am not sure I have done that because it feels a bit different. Anyway, I think I would say never say you will never return because you might just miss out on something good.
The scene we played out at that point was that I was no longer any one's slut, let alone his and it was his mission to turn me on so much, make me so wild with desire that I would revert. As I said to him, I couldn't even play hard to get, since I wanted his cock so much! I didn't call him Sir, not then. The sex was kinky, but there was no overt declaration of our roles. We both took what we needed from each other and that was enough.
The rest of the day was just fun. There was lunch, then a trip out for a walk, trip to a local museum and a new hobby of geocaching which he has just taken up and a bug for which he has now infected me with. Then in the evening dinner, a couple of films and just generally being together.
I knew we needed to talk about what had happened, but was happy to wait until the following morning, after breakfast.
Things in the new relationship did not go to plan, he is sorry he hurt me, I am sorry he hurt me, but also I expressed my surprise at the extent to which I was so affected by our break up. We talked through some of the reasons for that (I will try to put some of it into my journey page some time soon) and then we moved on to getting some pleasure from each other's bodies.
What I can say is that we still turn each other on. He still knows how to touch me, how to kiss me and just where to put his tongue for maximum pleasure. I worshipped his wonderful cock and my reward was having him put it wherever he wanted. I guess that was his reward too. Plus I admitted he was still my Master and there is very little else to say about the matter here and now.
They say never go back. I am not sure I have done that because it feels a bit different. Anyway, I think I would say never say you will never return because you might just miss out on something good.
Friday, 16 August 2013
Thoughts
Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to call by and comment after my last post. You know, it is really amazing to have such support from people who I know only through this and your own blogs.
A good friend sent me some words from a couple of verses yesterday which rang true for both of us. Me because of all that has happened in the last month and what I am about to do this weekend and her because of a couple of life events that have happened to another friend of hers. The first is from a birthday card (not sure where she buys her birthday cards, but I need to get down there).
These words are by Margaret Sangster, from the Sin of Omission. I googled it and this is the full version:
A good friend sent me some words from a couple of verses yesterday which rang true for both of us. Me because of all that has happened in the last month and what I am about to do this weekend and her because of a couple of life events that have happened to another friend of hers. The first is from a birthday card (not sure where she buys her birthday cards, but I need to get down there).
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbour
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore.
Dream.
Discover.
And the second:
It isn't the things you do dear;
It's the things you leave undone,
That give you a bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun...
These words are by Margaret Sangster, from the Sin of Omission. I googled it and this is the full version:
"The Sin Of Omission"
by Margaret Sangster
It isn't the thing you do, dear;
It's the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you a bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun.
The tender word forgotten,
The letter you did not write,
The flower you might have sent, dear,
Are your haunting ghosts to-night.
The stone you might have lifted
Out of brother's way,
The bit of heartsome counsel
You were hurried too much to say;
The loving touch of the hand, dear,
The gentle and winsome tone,
That you had no time nor thought for,
With troubles enough of your own.
The little acts of kindness,
So easily out of mind;
Those chances to be angels
Which every one may find
They come in night and silence
Each chill, reproachful wraith
When hope is faint and flagging
And a blight has dropped on faith.
For life is all too short, dear,
And sorrow is all too great;
To suffer our great compassion
That tarries until too late;
And it's not the thing you do, dear,
It's the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you the bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun.
It isn't the thing you do, dear;
It's the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you a bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun.
The tender word forgotten,
The letter you did not write,
The flower you might have sent, dear,
Are your haunting ghosts to-night.
The stone you might have lifted
Out of brother's way,
The bit of heartsome counsel
You were hurried too much to say;
The loving touch of the hand, dear,
The gentle and winsome tone,
That you had no time nor thought for,
With troubles enough of your own.
The little acts of kindness,
So easily out of mind;
Those chances to be angels
Which every one may find
They come in night and silence
Each chill, reproachful wraith
When hope is faint and flagging
And a blight has dropped on faith.
For life is all too short, dear,
And sorrow is all too great;
To suffer our great compassion
That tarries until too late;
And it's not the thing you do, dear,
It's the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you the bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun.
These words help me understand some of the things I do, need to do and why I am going to see S tomorrow.
I intend to have a good time, to enjoy what I have. I don't know what the future holds, but I don't think that I will stop me living in this moment.
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
New page
That is how it feels.
Perhaps writing my last post, about how lost I was feeling was significant. Maybe it made me turn some kind of corner and to decide what I want to do next.
My decision might surprise some people; it certainly surprises me.
I said there is no going back, and to some extent that's true. I will never again experience the freedom of thinking that whatever He tells me about his commitment to me, that actually he has no better offer. I will never be so naive as to believe that just because we have had sex today, I couldn't be told He is ready to move on. I bear the emotional scars of trusting too much, of believing that I wasn't emotionally involved when clearly I was.
But, it is not over, not completely.
I am going back.
I don't know if this will be a one off, going back or if it will be longer term.
Strange as it may seem, I still trust Him. He did what he thought was right, even if it turned out to be premature. I found out a lot about myself, certainly that I cared for Him more than I believed. I have been irritated by that, since I thought that I could take or leave what He was offering. Even taking account of the fact that I misjudged what was on offer.
I have discovered that I have needs I previously didn't know about. I have also confirmed that I can't just have those needs satisfied by anyone I meet (lovely as they may be).
He is free this weekend, he is unattached again.
I am free this weekend and as attached / un attached as I ever was.
What will happen when we meet, I don't know.
Things will be different from before, but how different I don't know until it has happened.
I am following my heart, but also doing what my head says is right for now.
Only time will tell whether my instincts are right!
Perhaps writing my last post, about how lost I was feeling was significant. Maybe it made me turn some kind of corner and to decide what I want to do next.
My decision might surprise some people; it certainly surprises me.
I said there is no going back, and to some extent that's true. I will never again experience the freedom of thinking that whatever He tells me about his commitment to me, that actually he has no better offer. I will never be so naive as to believe that just because we have had sex today, I couldn't be told He is ready to move on. I bear the emotional scars of trusting too much, of believing that I wasn't emotionally involved when clearly I was.
But, it is not over, not completely.
I am going back.
I don't know if this will be a one off, going back or if it will be longer term.
Strange as it may seem, I still trust Him. He did what he thought was right, even if it turned out to be premature. I found out a lot about myself, certainly that I cared for Him more than I believed. I have been irritated by that, since I thought that I could take or leave what He was offering. Even taking account of the fact that I misjudged what was on offer.
I have discovered that I have needs I previously didn't know about. I have also confirmed that I can't just have those needs satisfied by anyone I meet (lovely as they may be).
He is free this weekend, he is unattached again.
I am free this weekend and as attached / un attached as I ever was.
What will happen when we meet, I don't know.
Things will be different from before, but how different I don't know until it has happened.
I am following my heart, but also doing what my head says is right for now.
Only time will tell whether my instincts are right!
Saturday, 10 August 2013
Lost
I think it might be true to say I have lost my way a little here. I am struggling to move on, to work out how to get through the mess that is my life right now.
Well of course my life doesn't seem to be a mess to those around me. People tell me I have a great opportunity to be happy, to do exactly as I want. This of course, is what I wanted (hubby loves to tell me that). I have a new job, which is going to be great, I know. I am excited about my employment prospects and potential earnings. I am excited about the new apartment in France, though wish I could be there more than I will be able to due to work (not enough days in the week).
Things with hubby are just the same, truth be told. He is away more than he is here, but I seem to lack the will / ability / nerve to tell him to leave permanently. I am frightened of upsetting the status quo on that one. We have been together for so very long it is hard to do things without consulting with him and at the same time he wants the contact from me. I need someone to discuss things with, and to be honest there isn't anyone else. I have friends, some very good ones, but I don't think that I want to use them as my daily sounding board.
I know what I need, I need a Sir. I need a man who can help me make sense of my life and who can take control. There are one or two people out there who would probably take up that mantle, if I let them. But to be truthful it is not them I want.
I would like some good sex, kinky or not (preferably the former), and I would happily submit. Trouble is I can't do that with just anyone, there has to be a connection of the right kind. As a woman who has in truth been with only two men in all of my 51 years, I am not about to go off and find just anyone!
I know I will get over the hurt I still feel. I know there is no going back, but it is really hard to know how to make that happen and quickly. Especially as it seems that He doesn't actually have anyone else anymore. I guess I should feel glad that it didn't last, and in a way I am, but actually I would like to see him happy. And me, I want to be happy too, but I really am lost right now!
Well of course my life doesn't seem to be a mess to those around me. People tell me I have a great opportunity to be happy, to do exactly as I want. This of course, is what I wanted (hubby loves to tell me that). I have a new job, which is going to be great, I know. I am excited about my employment prospects and potential earnings. I am excited about the new apartment in France, though wish I could be there more than I will be able to due to work (not enough days in the week).
Things with hubby are just the same, truth be told. He is away more than he is here, but I seem to lack the will / ability / nerve to tell him to leave permanently. I am frightened of upsetting the status quo on that one. We have been together for so very long it is hard to do things without consulting with him and at the same time he wants the contact from me. I need someone to discuss things with, and to be honest there isn't anyone else. I have friends, some very good ones, but I don't think that I want to use them as my daily sounding board.
I know what I need, I need a Sir. I need a man who can help me make sense of my life and who can take control. There are one or two people out there who would probably take up that mantle, if I let them. But to be truthful it is not them I want.
I would like some good sex, kinky or not (preferably the former), and I would happily submit. Trouble is I can't do that with just anyone, there has to be a connection of the right kind. As a woman who has in truth been with only two men in all of my 51 years, I am not about to go off and find just anyone!
I know I will get over the hurt I still feel. I know there is no going back, but it is really hard to know how to make that happen and quickly. Especially as it seems that He doesn't actually have anyone else anymore. I guess I should feel glad that it didn't last, and in a way I am, but actually I would like to see him happy. And me, I want to be happy too, but I really am lost right now!
Saturday, 27 July 2013
200 not out
This is my 200th post on World of Joolz.
It is amazing to think that when I started this blog I was essentially living something of a dream. Something new and amazing had happened in my life, something I had kind of wanted to happen, but had been too frightened in the past to actually do. I was on a voyage of discovery, about who I was, about the person I can be.
In April last year, when I wrote my first post, everything was new - the relationship, the whole idea of having sex with someone who wasn't my husband and indeed the type of relationship it was emerging into. S and I had spent lots of time online and on the phone chatting, but we had only met the once. We had spent that first evening and night together but nothing else. I was yet to experience the thrill of humiliation, to discover how pain and pleasure are so closely linked. I was yet to discover so much about him and the kind of relationship we could and would have together. Indeed I had never tasted his cooking or experienced his amazing picnics. I didn't realise how beautiful the area in which he lives is. There was so much to discover and discover I did.
A couple of days after our relationship ended I started my year two page. I had been waiting for the right moment, the right inspiration, and now in a way I hadn't anticipated I now had it. Re-reading it last night, I was surprised that I was able to write so clearly when my heart felt just that little bit smashed to pieces.
Two weeks later and I can look back on events with a sense of pride and satisfaction and hopefully soon I will be ready to move on. Meantime, as I pass this land mark (and that's how it feels), I am wondering how this blog will look in another 200 posts? What further progress will I make, what will I be writing about, after all for now there is no sex in my life, let alone BDSM or any of its constituent parts.
I have plenty to be going on with mind. S and i are still friends, now able to chat freely with each other without me feeling I want to cry. I have a new job, secured this week and which I will be starting in the next week or so (more hours, more money than the work I have recently been doing). I have my apartment in France, which I will own this week and which I will be visiting with my son next weekend. I have my weight loss to concentrate on (10.5lb so far), and I have my friends.
The key part of my life that is different from April 2012 when I started this blog, is that I have discovered so many friends. I have developed friendships with people I already knew but wasn't all that close to. I have met new people through this blog and through fetlife, friends that I am now quite close to. Plus there are the people I have never met, but whom I have communicated through this and their own blogs and who I think if I met I would be friends with.
Here's to World of Joolz, onwards into the future. I am here and I am here to stay!
It is amazing to think that when I started this blog I was essentially living something of a dream. Something new and amazing had happened in my life, something I had kind of wanted to happen, but had been too frightened in the past to actually do. I was on a voyage of discovery, about who I was, about the person I can be.
In April last year, when I wrote my first post, everything was new - the relationship, the whole idea of having sex with someone who wasn't my husband and indeed the type of relationship it was emerging into. S and I had spent lots of time online and on the phone chatting, but we had only met the once. We had spent that first evening and night together but nothing else. I was yet to experience the thrill of humiliation, to discover how pain and pleasure are so closely linked. I was yet to discover so much about him and the kind of relationship we could and would have together. Indeed I had never tasted his cooking or experienced his amazing picnics. I didn't realise how beautiful the area in which he lives is. There was so much to discover and discover I did.
A couple of days after our relationship ended I started my year two page. I had been waiting for the right moment, the right inspiration, and now in a way I hadn't anticipated I now had it. Re-reading it last night, I was surprised that I was able to write so clearly when my heart felt just that little bit smashed to pieces.
Two weeks later and I can look back on events with a sense of pride and satisfaction and hopefully soon I will be ready to move on. Meantime, as I pass this land mark (and that's how it feels), I am wondering how this blog will look in another 200 posts? What further progress will I make, what will I be writing about, after all for now there is no sex in my life, let alone BDSM or any of its constituent parts.
I have plenty to be going on with mind. S and i are still friends, now able to chat freely with each other without me feeling I want to cry. I have a new job, secured this week and which I will be starting in the next week or so (more hours, more money than the work I have recently been doing). I have my apartment in France, which I will own this week and which I will be visiting with my son next weekend. I have my weight loss to concentrate on (10.5lb so far), and I have my friends.
The key part of my life that is different from April 2012 when I started this blog, is that I have discovered so many friends. I have developed friendships with people I already knew but wasn't all that close to. I have met new people through this blog and through fetlife, friends that I am now quite close to. Plus there are the people I have never met, but whom I have communicated through this and their own blogs and who I think if I met I would be friends with.
Here's to World of Joolz, onwards into the future. I am here and I am here to stay!
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
The future of 'innocent pornography'
Some would say there is no such thing, they would say that any pornography is bad, somehow likely to not only cause offence but to cause harm. Some, like the Prime Minister of my own Country apparently think that online pornography is harmful to children and therefore must be blocked. In future in the UK we will have to tell our ISP that we wish to opt into pornography, in order to be able to access it online.
There are images, still and films, on the internet that are abusive, where consent hasn't been possible, perhaps with children or vulnerable adults. No right mined people want to see these online. They exist, but I believe you need to look to find them. Work needs to be done to protect the most vulnerable in society before those images are taken and posted online.
Really? All pornography? Adult pornography of all kinds? What exactly is pornography anyway?
Is it a topless picture of a woman, these are currently shown in a popular tabloid newspaper each day? Is is a picture of a consenting adult posing for her or his partner and then shared?
What about BDSM? I am sure it means BDSM!
According to Wikipedia pornography is: "the explicit portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual gratification" it goes on to identify that pornography is different from erotica because, rather than concentrating on the portrayal of sexuality though an artistic context, it focuses on the physical sexual act.
I wonder how the government will decide what constitutes materiel so harmful that it cannot be readily accessed. Will it mean some of the images shown on many of our blogs, or will it mean the blogs in general? Will it mean images, or will it be also about writing fiction we consider erotic but others may view as extreme? What evidence is there that we are causing harm to anyone or that we need to be censored in this way? Those of us with young children (not me these days), are I am sure very careful to protect them from information and images that we consider harmful. This will not only include sex, but violence, war etc. The internet is an amazing medium that many of us could only have dreamed of when we were children. Granted there are things we do not want our children to see, to have access to. But do those wishing to view, share and discuss adult pornographic images in the comfort of our own homes need to be protected from ourselves in the name of child protection?
There are images, still and films, on the internet that are abusive, where consent hasn't been possible, perhaps with children or vulnerable adults. No right mined people want to see these online. They exist, but I believe you need to look to find them. Work needs to be done to protect the most vulnerable in society before those images are taken and posted online.
Really? All pornography? Adult pornography of all kinds? What exactly is pornography anyway?
Is it a topless picture of a woman, these are currently shown in a popular tabloid newspaper each day? Is is a picture of a consenting adult posing for her or his partner and then shared?
What about BDSM? I am sure it means BDSM!
According to Wikipedia pornography is: "the explicit portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual gratification" it goes on to identify that pornography is different from erotica because, rather than concentrating on the portrayal of sexuality though an artistic context, it focuses on the physical sexual act.
I wonder how the government will decide what constitutes materiel so harmful that it cannot be readily accessed. Will it mean some of the images shown on many of our blogs, or will it mean the blogs in general? Will it mean images, or will it be also about writing fiction we consider erotic but others may view as extreme? What evidence is there that we are causing harm to anyone or that we need to be censored in this way? Those of us with young children (not me these days), are I am sure very careful to protect them from information and images that we consider harmful. This will not only include sex, but violence, war etc. The internet is an amazing medium that many of us could only have dreamed of when we were children. Granted there are things we do not want our children to see, to have access to. But do those wishing to view, share and discuss adult pornographic images in the comfort of our own homes need to be protected from ourselves in the name of child protection?
Saturday, 20 July 2013
Reflections on the last week
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On this occasion, I was cuffed, clamped and tied to a tree while he pushed his cock inside me. Once we found an optimum position for me to get into he slid in easily and then when he stroked my clit at the same time, I came quickly and with some force.
Afterwards we sat and ate strawberries, we chatted and all seemed well. Then we set off for home.
On the way back, I was thinking about how wonderful our relationship seemed to be, how good the sex was and how easy we were with each other.
It was only a couple of hours later that my bubble was burst.
This has been a long week in many of ways. S and I were chatting online last night and he remarked just that. I guess he has had cause for reflection too.
I have had lots of opportunity to think and to talk about events with various friends this week. I have also chatted to S a few times. The problems with S pale into insignificance in a way when it comes to the issues I now have in my marriage. It is great to know that I have the support I need around me to manage all of that.
The graduation was lovely. A beautiful day, a very smart, handsome son in his graduation robes amongst his peers. I have rarely felt so proud. But there were slightly less happy parts to the day. Hubby, who had agreed to attend and who had promised not to let us down, was less than excellently behaved. I had to tell him at one point that he has to learn to control the comments that come out of his mouth, especially in front of our son. Plus a scary and now funny half an hour - The graduate forgot his brand new suit trousers, and there was a frantic trip into the nearest town to buy another identical pair. Most of the unpleasantness by hubby was during that time. But we got the trousers, he got changed, he collected his robes and we got into the auditorium by the allotted time.
Later we were joined in a local pub by my parents and had a pleasant meal.
It feels now that a phase of my life has passed. My son is now ready for the world and so, I think am I. No matter what unpleasantness occurs in the next few weeks (and it will), I can see where I am heading.
I don't regret my time with S, but I do regret that it has ended before I felt ready. But I will recover and I will move on, it helps to know he is still my friend and that we are still there to help each other through the tough times ahead.
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
How did things go so wrong so quickly?
This time last week I was looking forward to an afternoon of fun with S. It was a lovely sunny day, he had a day off and I half a day. Traffic got in the way and while he reached our proposed destination I did not. It turns out that the day would not have been as I expected anyway, since he was proposing to drop his bombshell on me then. As it was my happiness lasted a few more days.
It would be true to say that in the past month, pretty much since I returned from France, I have been going around with a huge smile on my face, everything in my life felt pretty good. I posted about it here just over a week ago.
After the weekend I have received lots of support from friends. I have been out for 2 lunches and came away from them with a firm plan. I would say nothing about all of this to hubby for the time being. In effect, all I needed to do to maintain as much pleasantness in the lives of my family as possible was to keep quiet.
Tomorrow is my son's graduation. He has achieved so much, a First Class Degree and with it a prize from his department. We as his parents will be there to see him receive these. Afterwards, dinner with my parents.
As soon as hubby and I sat together last evening after work I knew keeping quiet would be harder than I had thought. I have been married to him for nearly 30 years, of course he knows me and he knew there was something wrong with me. The smirk he has accused me of having for the last few weeks had gone. He hit straight for the jugular and asked questions about S, the weekend and when I would be seeing him again. He wasn't especially unpleasant, but the more I tried to keep my answers level and brief, the more he pushed until eventually I told him I was no longer seeing S. At this point the best thing would have been to let him believe he had a chance or repairing our marriage. But no, I moved straight on to telling him the truth about all of the things I have been thinking.
So the position now, after another night of little sleep, is that I do not know if he will be at either the graduation or dinner after. I have hurt him more than ever, and he through the things he said through the course of the evening and night and the vitriol with which he said them is in an even worse state. My own view of him is that I like him even less today than I did yesterday.
I feel as if I have burst my own bubble well and truly now. I have created one hell of a mess in the pursuit of my own happiness.
So, today, I have to make him see that we have to salvage at least something. We are still parents and our son deserves better than the current behaviour of either of his parents.
It would be true to say that in the past month, pretty much since I returned from France, I have been going around with a huge smile on my face, everything in my life felt pretty good. I posted about it here just over a week ago.
After the weekend I have received lots of support from friends. I have been out for 2 lunches and came away from them with a firm plan. I would say nothing about all of this to hubby for the time being. In effect, all I needed to do to maintain as much pleasantness in the lives of my family as possible was to keep quiet.
Tomorrow is my son's graduation. He has achieved so much, a First Class Degree and with it a prize from his department. We as his parents will be there to see him receive these. Afterwards, dinner with my parents.
As soon as hubby and I sat together last evening after work I knew keeping quiet would be harder than I had thought. I have been married to him for nearly 30 years, of course he knows me and he knew there was something wrong with me. The smirk he has accused me of having for the last few weeks had gone. He hit straight for the jugular and asked questions about S, the weekend and when I would be seeing him again. He wasn't especially unpleasant, but the more I tried to keep my answers level and brief, the more he pushed until eventually I told him I was no longer seeing S. At this point the best thing would have been to let him believe he had a chance or repairing our marriage. But no, I moved straight on to telling him the truth about all of the things I have been thinking.
So the position now, after another night of little sleep, is that I do not know if he will be at either the graduation or dinner after. I have hurt him more than ever, and he through the things he said through the course of the evening and night and the vitriol with which he said them is in an even worse state. My own view of him is that I like him even less today than I did yesterday.
I feel as if I have burst my own bubble well and truly now. I have created one hell of a mess in the pursuit of my own happiness.
So, today, I have to make him see that we have to salvage at least something. We are still parents and our son deserves better than the current behaviour of either of his parents.
Monday, 15 July 2013
Regrets?
Not at all. The past 15 months has opened up a whole new world and made me challenge the status quo of my life. How could I regret that?
The past couple of days have been, to say the least, difficult. No one likes to be told that something must end before they themselves feel that they are ready. Dealing with that message is challenging.
So too is the realisation that your emotions can't be controlled, especially when, like me, you are the kind of person who rarely cries.
On Saturday afternoon I felt rejected, and hurt. Even though we had discussed that day arriving, I had not seen that it had arrived. I know that he had tried to find the right moment to do what he felt he should and must, but for me, I wasn't sure he chose the right one. But then, when would that have been?
I drove home much of the 115 miles with tears either stinging my eyes or with them running down my face. I was upset and confused, but not angry. There had been little time before I needed to leave and he needed to go out to talk. What is more, words were difficult to find. Being given the things in the goody bag that essentially belong to me was bizarre. After all, when will I ever want to get them out again? I bought them for him, my Dom and now I have no Dom (they were my thoughts).
48 hours later the great feeling of grief is already fading a little. I have been grateful for yesterday being Sunday and today being a day off work. Grateful too for the helpful words of support from friends (online and in person). Today, I have fortuitously met a good friend for a prearranged lunch. She has let me talk freely, reassured me when I have been weepy and has offered me just the right amount of advice.
I have also been helped by a lovely email from S (I will call him that from now on as he is no longer Sir) and then a Skype chat last night.
I am clear now about what I need to do to move forward. If when I tell him, hubby thinks we will return to our previous life, he is mistaken. S has helped me see (all be it through the blurred vision of tears) that I need to be free to venture upon the next phase of my life. I hope that he will be part of that phase, just not in the way I might have hoped.
So for this afternoon, right now, I am feeling positive.
I am under no illusions that there will be more than enough ups and downs to come. More knocks and blows. But I know that I have friends around me, including many of you who have left me messages or emailed. Thank you all.
This is not the end of the journey, perhaps it is in truth still beginning?
The past couple of days have been, to say the least, difficult. No one likes to be told that something must end before they themselves feel that they are ready. Dealing with that message is challenging.
So too is the realisation that your emotions can't be controlled, especially when, like me, you are the kind of person who rarely cries.
On Saturday afternoon I felt rejected, and hurt. Even though we had discussed that day arriving, I had not seen that it had arrived. I know that he had tried to find the right moment to do what he felt he should and must, but for me, I wasn't sure he chose the right one. But then, when would that have been?
I drove home much of the 115 miles with tears either stinging my eyes or with them running down my face. I was upset and confused, but not angry. There had been little time before I needed to leave and he needed to go out to talk. What is more, words were difficult to find. Being given the things in the goody bag that essentially belong to me was bizarre. After all, when will I ever want to get them out again? I bought them for him, my Dom and now I have no Dom (they were my thoughts).
48 hours later the great feeling of grief is already fading a little. I have been grateful for yesterday being Sunday and today being a day off work. Grateful too for the helpful words of support from friends (online and in person). Today, I have fortuitously met a good friend for a prearranged lunch. She has let me talk freely, reassured me when I have been weepy and has offered me just the right amount of advice.
I have also been helped by a lovely email from S (I will call him that from now on as he is no longer Sir) and then a Skype chat last night.
I am clear now about what I need to do to move forward. If when I tell him, hubby thinks we will return to our previous life, he is mistaken. S has helped me see (all be it through the blurred vision of tears) that I need to be free to venture upon the next phase of my life. I hope that he will be part of that phase, just not in the way I might have hoped.
So for this afternoon, right now, I am feeling positive.
I am under no illusions that there will be more than enough ups and downs to come. More knocks and blows. But I know that I have friends around me, including many of you who have left me messages or emailed. Thank you all.
This is not the end of the journey, perhaps it is in truth still beginning?
Sunday, 14 July 2013
Saturday, 13 July 2013
It's over
The relationship I have been having for the past 15 months with the man who I called Sir on this website and often outside of it is over.
There have been no arguments, no crossed words even. I believe we will always hold a special place in our hearts for each other, but it has ended.
We found each other at a time we needed what we found with each other. He is more ready than me to move into a new phase in his life and I respect him for his honesty. He is a lovely man, and I won't hear a word said against him.
I can't talk about it here yet. I need to articulate my thoughts and feelings to a few people in the real world first.
All I can say is that I am sad, very sad.
There have been no arguments, no crossed words even. I believe we will always hold a special place in our hearts for each other, but it has ended.
We found each other at a time we needed what we found with each other. He is more ready than me to move into a new phase in his life and I respect him for his honesty. He is a lovely man, and I won't hear a word said against him.
I can't talk about it here yet. I need to articulate my thoughts and feelings to a few people in the real world first.
All I can say is that I am sad, very sad.
Thursday, 11 July 2013
Looking forward
So yesterday ended in disappointment. But as they say tomorrow is another day. In fact so is today.
My life, as Sir is always reminding me, is mainly positive these days. Redundancy has brought with it new opportunities; new car, apartment in France, new kitchen. In short, i am pretty much financially secure. Of course this doesn't take account of the prospect of divorce, but at the moment that is a way off.
i have been head hunted for the possibility of work that pays twice the rate i am currently receiving. i will need to go for an interview, but the possibility that i will soon be working full time again for a while is definitely there.
i am proud to report i have lost 7lb in 2 weeks. Diet and fitness are going well and i am on track to wear the corset within the month.
Next, arrangements have been made for the signing of papers for ownership of the French apartment. i am pretty excited about this. There will be a couple of short trips over there in the next few weeks and then hopefully i will be able to rent the apartment out before i take a longer holiday. My birthday is coming up, and i am hoping to be over there then. Perhaps taking my son as a treat for all of his hard work. Of course, i will have work for him to do while there, but i think he will be happy to help get things ready for paying guests.
Son's graduation is next Thursday; i will be just so proud!
Tomorrow, i am off to visit Sir (traffic permitting).
The weather here is suddenly as summer should be, so in prospect is an afternoon on the beach, just me, my book and perhaps an ice cream and some water. Then later, Sir and i maybe will have a picnic dinner on the beach. I just love this time of year for its long days and warm weather. Plus there is the prospect of al fresco fun, which knowing Sir will involve some kind of risk of being discovered, plus the pushing of my humiliation related limits.
i look forward to sucking Him.
i look forward to being fucked in all orifices.
i look forward to kneeling before Him.
i just look forward......
My life, as Sir is always reminding me, is mainly positive these days. Redundancy has brought with it new opportunities; new car, apartment in France, new kitchen. In short, i am pretty much financially secure. Of course this doesn't take account of the prospect of divorce, but at the moment that is a way off.
i have been head hunted for the possibility of work that pays twice the rate i am currently receiving. i will need to go for an interview, but the possibility that i will soon be working full time again for a while is definitely there.
i am proud to report i have lost 7lb in 2 weeks. Diet and fitness are going well and i am on track to wear the corset within the month.
Next, arrangements have been made for the signing of papers for ownership of the French apartment. i am pretty excited about this. There will be a couple of short trips over there in the next few weeks and then hopefully i will be able to rent the apartment out before i take a longer holiday. My birthday is coming up, and i am hoping to be over there then. Perhaps taking my son as a treat for all of his hard work. Of course, i will have work for him to do while there, but i think he will be happy to help get things ready for paying guests.
Son's graduation is next Thursday; i will be just so proud!
Tomorrow, i am off to visit Sir (traffic permitting).
The weather here is suddenly as summer should be, so in prospect is an afternoon on the beach, just me, my book and perhaps an ice cream and some water. Then later, Sir and i maybe will have a picnic dinner on the beach. I just love this time of year for its long days and warm weather. Plus there is the prospect of al fresco fun, which knowing Sir will involve some kind of risk of being discovered, plus the pushing of my humiliation related limits.
i look forward to sucking Him.
i look forward to being fucked in all orifices.
i look forward to kneeling before Him.
i just look forward......
Wednesday, 10 July 2013
The best laid plans
Sir got quite excited about the alfresco possibilities. We discussed scenarios for a scene, and were both pulled along by the thought.
He decided white stockings would be in order. As the girls reading this will know, no one wears white these days so that means ivory - bridal ivory i discovered while shopping. But who can wear ivory stockings with a black or red suspender belt? So I ordered a bridal ivory belt from a famous UK shop where people often by lingerie. This morning, having shaved in preparation, i hurried along and collected this garment. Then i went to my work commitment, which even if i say so myself went well.
The satellite navigation system in my new car told me i would be at my destination at 3.09, which would allow time for putting on said stockings, suspenders and also some heels. By 2.15 i had covered half the journey, all was well.
Then fate took over. An accident on the 'road to hell' meant that in the following hour i travelled a mile at most. At first i thought, OK i'll be a bit late, then, OK, i'll be an hour late. But as time and very little opportunity to get closer to my destination and Sir, went on, it became apparent that this trip was doomed to failure.
Sir had taken the train, a journey of maybe an hour and a half. I had travelled for 2 hours in my car, then 3 hours, but always we were according to the technology always an hour apart and in the end we decided that we should both head home. Probably a 4 hour wasted journey for us both.
So, today, there has been no fun and games. There has been no ivory suspender belt and stockings, no sex on a picnic table, no picnic, no touching. Nothing but frustration and disappointment.
Sometimes plans are just plans and they don't work out. Thankfully for us, this was the first time this happened. Plus there is still Friday to look forward to!
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