Saturday, 14 September 2013
No longer lost, but not quite found either
Due to the unpleasantness I experienced from hubby all of the time he knew of my affair with S, I have decided not to tell him about the recent turn of events. So he doesn't know I am seeing S again. I feel a little guilty about this, but the emphasis is on 'little'. Although we appear to live together still. i.e. he has his belongings here and he visits pretty much daily, actually we really aren't. I don't actually remember the last time we spent an evening together, or indeed the last time he stayed the night here. He returned on Thursday from a trip to Rome with a friend, appearing on Friday morning to get ready for work. He lay on the bed and held my hand, he told me he had missed me and asked if we could have lunch together. My new job means I can't just drop everything and come home, and we work quite a distance from each other. I suggested lunch today, and he said he couldn't do that as he is helping a friend with a job in his garden. So essentially we remain in limbo, unable or perhaps unwilling to have the conversation which will bring things to their natural conclusion. Meanwhile, since we see so little of each other, we are actually on good terms. We are able to text and talk on the phone, without unpleasantness, but then part of that is because he thinks he no longer needs to say anything unpleasant given that he doesn't know I have seen S again.
The fact is that I have a marriage which might be on its last legs, but which is harder to let go of after nearly 30 years than I might have imagined.
I have a relationship with S which is based on trust, friendship and lust. It contains kinky sex, a bit of humiliation, dressing up for my man and also some pain. If anything he is enjoying showing me how much he cares for me, and attending to my needs just that little bit more.
I still feel like I am on some kind of journey, I just don't quite know where I am headed, and how long it will take. I guess though that I will know when I am there and what's more, I will enjoy myself on the way. For now, that will do for me.
Photo from myboundwife.com