That is how it feels.
Perhaps writing my last post, about how lost I was feeling was significant. Maybe it made me turn some kind of corner and to decide what I want to do next.
My decision might surprise some people; it certainly surprises me.
I said there is no going back, and to some extent that's true. I will never again experience the freedom of thinking that whatever He tells me about his commitment to me, that actually he has no better offer. I will never be so naive as to believe that just because we have had sex today, I couldn't be told He is ready to move on. I bear the emotional scars of trusting too much, of believing that I wasn't emotionally involved when clearly I was.
But, it is not over, not completely.
I am going back.
I don't know if this will be a one off, going back or if it will be longer term.
Strange as it may seem, I still trust Him. He did what he thought was right, even if it turned out to be premature. I found out a lot about myself, certainly that I cared for Him more than I believed. I have been irritated by that, since I thought that I could take or leave what He was offering. Even taking account of the fact that I misjudged what was on offer.
I have discovered that I have needs I previously didn't know about. I have also confirmed that I can't just have those needs satisfied by anyone I meet (lovely as they may be).
He is free this weekend, he is unattached again.
I am free this weekend and as attached / un attached as I ever was.
What will happen when we meet, I don't know.
Things will be different from before, but how different I don't know until it has happened.
I am following my heart, but also doing what my head says is right for now.
Only time will tell whether my instincts are right!