I am not by nature someone who tells lies, though as a not very popular child at school I told some quite big ones to try to get people to like me, but that is another story entirely. As an adult, I have usually tried be true to myself and true to others. I don't lie.
Over the last 18 months or so though, I have told many many lies.
I have lied to hubby, something well documented here and I have lied to others. Usually about where I have been and who with.
Around last November, also well documented here, I began to tell the truth. To hubby firstly and most painfully. Then to members of my family, to friends and to my son. Well I say I told the truth, because to each one I have told a version of the truth, one that I have decided best suits who they are and what they need to know.
Now, once again I am telling lies. In July when S and I parted I told hubby what had happened. The months and months of verbal abuse I endured from him, stopped. So when a month later, S and I got together again, I lied by omission. For some weeks this has not been a problem, since hubby has not been here. Until Tuesday night, we had not spent one evening or night under the same roof since the end of July. On Tuesday he came home, and he stayed home for 3 nights. He might have come home on Monday, but I was not here.
I told him I was going to a conference on Tuesday and to make things easy, travel wise, I was going to a hotel on Monday night. I did go to a hotel, but there was not conference. On Tuesday I was at work as usual. On Monday evening hubby was busy searching my wardrobe to see what was missing. He discovered that some shoes I didn't know he had ever seen, were gone. Therefore he accused me of lying. Accused me of being with someone. Of being with S.
I have maintained my story and told him that I threw the shoes out. He and I know this is a lie. But I refuse to back down.
I don't like to lie to him. But actually I don't feel that we have the kind of relationship any more where he deserves the truth.
I don't love this man as a wife loves her husband. He is no longer my lover and right now he is not really a friend either.
We are heading now towards the inevitable. I have suggested counselling, but he quite rightly says this will not make me love him when I say I don't.
I pursue my own happiness, but know that in the process I am causing distress and sadness.
I long to tell the truth and be happy about it. I hope soon it becomes a reality and there are no more lies.