Not at all. The past 15 months has opened up a whole new world and made me challenge the status quo of my life. How could I regret that?
The past couple of days have been, to say the least, difficult. No one likes to be told that something must end before they themselves feel that they are ready. Dealing with that message is challenging.
So too is the realisation that your emotions can't be controlled, especially when, like me, you are the kind of person who rarely cries.
On Saturday afternoon I felt rejected, and hurt. Even though we had discussed that day arriving, I had not seen that it had arrived. I know that he had tried to find the right moment to do what he felt he should and must, but for me, I wasn't sure he chose the right one. But then, when would that have been?
I drove home much of the 115 miles with tears either stinging my eyes or with them running down my face. I was upset and confused, but not angry. There had been little time before I needed to leave and he needed to go out to talk. What is more, words were difficult to find. Being given the things in the goody bag that essentially belong to me was bizarre. After all, when will I ever want to get them out again? I bought them for him, my Dom and now I have no Dom (they were my thoughts).
48 hours later the great feeling of grief is already fading a little. I have been grateful for yesterday being Sunday and today being a day off work. Grateful too for the helpful words of support from friends (online and in person). Today, I have fortuitously met a good friend for a prearranged lunch. She has let me talk freely, reassured me when I have been weepy and has offered me just the right amount of advice.
I have also been helped by a lovely email from S (I will call him that from now on as he is no longer Sir) and then a Skype chat last night.
I am clear now about what I need to do to move forward. If when I tell him, hubby thinks we will return to our previous life, he is mistaken. S has helped me see (all be it through the blurred vision of tears) that I need to be free to venture upon the next phase of my life. I hope that he will be part of that phase, just not in the way I might have hoped.
So for this afternoon, right now, I am feeling positive.
I am under no illusions that there will be more than enough ups and downs to come. More knocks and blows. But I know that I have friends around me, including many of you who have left me messages or emailed. Thank you all.
This is not the end of the journey, perhaps it is in truth still beginning?