Lost

I think it might be true to say I have lost my way a little here. I am struggling to move on, to work out how to get through the mess that is my life right now.

Well of course my life doesn't seem to be a mess to those around me. People tell me I have a great opportunity to be happy, to do exactly as I want. This of course, is what I wanted (hubby loves to tell me that).  I have a new job, which is going to be great, I know. I am excited about my employment prospects and potential earnings. I am excited about the new apartment in France, though wish I could be there more than I will be able to due to work (not enough days in the week).

Things with hubby are just the same, truth be told. He is away more than he is here, but I seem to lack the will / ability / nerve to tell him to leave permanently. I am frightened of upsetting the status quo on that one. We have been together for so very long it is hard to do things without consulting with him and at the same time he wants the contact from me. I need someone to discuss things with, and to be honest there isn't anyone else. I have friends, some very good ones, but I don't think that I want to use them as my daily sounding board.

I know what I need, I need a Sir. I need a man who can help me make sense of my life and who can take control. There are one or two people out there who would probably take up that mantle, if I let them. But to be truthful it is not them I want.

I would like some good sex, kinky or not (preferably the former), and I would happily submit. Trouble is I can't do that with just anyone, there has to be a connection of the right kind. As a woman who has in truth been with only two men in all of my 51 years, I am not about to go off and find just anyone!

I know I will get over the hurt I still feel. I know there is no going back, but it is really hard to know how to make that happen and quickly. Especially as it seems that He doesn't actually have anyone else anymore. I guess I should feel glad that it didn't last, and in a way I am, but actually I would like to see him happy. And me, I want to be happy too, but I really am lost right now!