I am beginning to think that perhaps I am really terrible at communicating. That I don't express myself properly to those around me, that perhaps what I think should be said and indeed, has been said has actually happened in my head. That even when I try to communicate with those around me, the responses are not what I want or expect and so perhaps I apply my own interpretation to them.
This week, I have spent one evening with hubby. We have texted a little, but are no closer to understanding where we are going. I apply my understanding - that very soon we will have ceased to be husband and wife. He applies his - that if we see little of each other then at some point soon I will change my mind. Most mornings this week, he has crept in a 5ish, got dressed for work, laid down beside me and then half an hour later left, without speaking. He doesn't speak, as I told him I hated being disturbed at that kind of hour. But what I really meant was - don't turn up at 5 in the morning, I don't want you here at all and certainly not then. Have I actually told him that? I thought I had, but perhaps not!
My communication with Graeme this week, has mainly been one way. I leave him a message on yahoo, he doesn't respond. I leave another. I text him, he doesn't respond. He sends me a text, I reply with 2 or 3. He has been preoccupied all week with other things in his life. I have anxieties about those distractions that make me fearful, but of course I struggle to express this.
I miss the constant communication we seemed to have a week or two ago, but have I actually discussed with him how we might best communicate and when? No, of course not. We skyped the other evening for quite a long time and of course that should be sufficient, but is it? Of course not. Have I told him this? No.
Last night we were out together, we were seeing what was a great film from the silent era. Sadly the film was ruined for us both by some loud, live music which didn't fit the film one bit. He was much more irritated and disturbed by this whole thing than I was, and so we spent time we might have discussed other things talking about that. Then at dinner, a couple next to us appeared to be more interesting to him than me. He couldn't help it, but was tuned to their conversation and spent much of the time wondering what they were saying and why, as well as fussing about her accent which kept changing.
I returned home frustrated unhappy. My lovely evening hadn't gone to plan. The time I thought I would be getting as mine, was not.
How will I communicate better so that I am clearer and so that I don't end up quite so unhappy about the way I have tried to communicate?
I guess we will have to talk things through. I guess I need to do that in both of these relationships - otherwise it won't just be the marriage that is doomed to failure!
Sir - is it me?