The text below was written yesterday morning, but haste to leave for work and the fact that this girl was feeling a little emotional, the 'publish' button didn't get pressed.
I can't deny I am struggling with making my marriage actually come to an end.
For the most part, he and I live in a state of avoidance and denial. He avoids me and we both deny the need to actually do anything. I have begun to clear things out, have created space in the spare room, have changed some of my behaviours but still it is ever present.
For all the time we spend apart. For all that is not said. We remain married to each other.
I need now to make that change.
The happiness I felt on Tuesday, was replaced with a sense of misery and doom last evening, knowing that for the first time in a week, hubby would be making an appearance today. He made his presence felt at whatever hour it was and he left me a note asking if I would do his washing. I have.
I have asked Master to help me work out what to do next. I really do need to do something. I can't continue like this. In perpetual limbo.
Despite those feelings, this girl knew that Master prefers her to focus while at work, and she had a busy day ahead. With determination that took quite some effort, this girl did just that, and between 9 and around 4 a lot was achieved. But arriving back from a meeting, with another 2 hours in the office to go, this girl felt her resolve slipping away.
A few weeks ago, this girl had signed up to an after work corporate event that seemed like it would be fun. Mainly though, she did so because she assumed hubby would be home and it would mean an evening out of the house when he was in it. This however seems a poor reason to go to an event on her own with a great load of strangers. This girl sat thinking that the last thing she needed was to engage in meaningless small talk with people she didn't want to be with.
This girl felt a little isolated at that point. There had been no word from Master, despite a text, email and the blog post above, she thought she had posted. She texted to tell him she felt alone.
He replied that he was sorry but that his jet lag had made him lethargic and he hadn't really done anything today.
Instead of the corporate event, this girl went to her Master. She left her desk at the regular time of 5pm and by 6.30 she was with Him.
It was a pleasant, quiet evening just spent in each other's company. Talking, just sitting, a little touching and kissing, dinner.....
This girl thinks that an evening with her Master was so much better for her than what had been planned and she hopes that an evening in her company helped Master feel a little more energised.
Tonight when she sees Him, she expects things will be a little different......