Loving our lurkers

I have to admit that I hadn't planned to post here again, but hey, never say never.

Moving blog has meant I have lost both followers and those who stop by to read what I write. Circumstances meant I needed to be a little coy about my new whereabouts; these things happen.

But since this place still exists, I know that people still call by, lurk and perhaps read. No matter what any of us says, we don't just write for our own pleasure and what is more, we all started off as lurkers (I certainly did). It was the blogs of some of the other submissives around blog land than gave me the confidence to start this blog. They also helped me realise the person I was and wanted to be.

So, for those who still call by, thank you. The comments are always open, so please say something if you would like.

I have moved to here (it seems less important to keep it a complete secret now), feel free to lurk there. Or even better come and contribute, comment or become a follower. I am missing you! I really do love those who lurk!

Changes

After much consideration I have decided to move my blog. The reasons for this have been described over a long period of time, in the posts below.

I need to be able to blog freely. To feel that this is my place, somewhere that is mine.

I have contacted some of the people who visit here regularly but find that this is fraught with difficulty. Many of you, not surprisingly keep your contact details so well hidden that I have found it impossible to reach you.

If you wish to know where to find me then email me at joolz@gmx.us and I will point you to where you need to go.

Of course, you won't be disappointed.

I will delete and close this blog in a few weeks time - all my posts are at the new place.

Meanwhile, thank you for reading and good bye from world of joolz. You have all helped me on my journey and hopefully will continue to do so.

Just when there is more BDSM in my life than ever

I am not sure I am free to express what is in my heart, my mind and my body.

I may soon have to move this blog.

Because I don't want to go private.

Questions

I found a new blogger via Abby, today. Ok so I am late to Han Van Meegeren's party, but better late than never.

These questions have appeared on his site, and been answered by Abby and others. Here goes:

• Kissed a girl? Once, in a kissing a girl sense. Lots of times in a kissing your friends and family kind of way
• Kissed a boy? Oh yes
• Had sex in public? In a place that is public, but not in public.
• What's your religion? Officially Church of England, but I like the spirituality side of things and the music rather than religion itself.
• What does your URL mean? Joolz was a name I was given when I was younger, and when thinking about this blog and a new kind of lifestyle it seemed right. Now though, I am not sure it quite fits. But it is what my blog is called.
• Reason you joined blogland? I have blogged for years. Firstly about work and life generally and then here. My blogs have always been about me being able to express myself. A way of recording my thoughts and feelings. 
• Do you have any nicknames? Jools / Joolz when younger and recently to some people. Master calls me girl (is that a nickname, or just His name for me?)
• Do you like bubble bath? Yes, very much. I don't have a bath often these days, as a shower is quick and convenient. Now a bubble bath is a luxury!
• Kissed in the rain? Oh yes
• Dyed your hair? I have been doing just that while writing this. A good point to go wash it off!

So, several hours have gone by and on with the questions:

• Soup of salad? Soup in winter, preferably home made, the rest of the time, salad
• Vegetable or meat? I love vegetables, but couldn't give up meat...
• Go out drinking? Mainly when having dinner, but since I met Master, I have been out to more bars and pubs than for a long time.
• Smoke cigarettes? Never
• Smoke weed? I have lived a sheltered life
• Do any hard drugs? I am no good with prescription drugs so I doubt I could handle anything recreational
• Have you had sex today? No, sadly.....
• Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms? Yes, quite a few times lately.
• The relationship between you and the person you last texted? He is my Master.
• Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yes, actually they have. 
• Skipped homework to play a video game? Occasionally....
• Tried to commit suicide? No 
• The last time you felt broken? Last year, July....
• Had to lie to EVERYONE abut how you felt? Yes, last July...
• Do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend? Boy....well more a man to be frank.....
• Do you have long hair or short? Shorter than it was, and I like it.
• First thing you notice in a girl? Her sense of dress
• Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes, but Master would win on that one!
• Do you dance in the car? Only when alone
• Where were you yesterday? Woke up with Master, spent the afternoon with my parents and slept alone at home.
• Ever used a bow and arrow? Tried once when a child, I was rubbish!
• Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Probably at one of my brothers' weddings. Does that count. If wedding photos don't count then when I was at school!
• Do you think musicals are cheesy? No, and I saw one on Saturday which was fantastic - Guys and Dolls!
• Is Christmas stressful? Yes when my mother is involved!
• Favourite type of fruit pie? Apple
• Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A nurse and I became one.
• Do you believe in ghosts? Kind of
• Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes, definitely.
• Take a vitamin daily? No time for that kind of thing. Fresh fruit, veg etc is better.
• Wear slippers? In winter. Otherwise bare feet.
• Wear a bath robe? Sometimes.
• What do you wear to bed? Nothing.
• Do you want to get married? Still legally married and no thanks, never again.
• Can you curl your tongue? Yes
• How many relationships have you had? Three
• How can I win your heart? You can't, I am happy as I am for now.
• What makes a great relationship? Communication, trust and honesty. That and the ability to laugh and not take yourselves too seriously.
• Shy or open? Shy with new people and strangers, but extroverted with people I know. Having said that, very few know the real me.
• Religious or non-religious? I am not religious.

Sad

As a nurse I have watched the dying process and I have been with people when they have died. I have cared for people afterwards, washed them, prepared them for their loved ones. I have spent time with those loved ones at all parts of the process. As a nurse, I have cared for people for many weeks, from the time they knew they would die, until the end. What I am realising is, that I was less prepared for the long process of dying than I knew. Especially when that person is your own parent.

I have always been closer to my dad than my mum. She and I have a love hate relationship. I guess we are too similar to really like each other, much as we really do love and care. With dad though, I am the only daughter, and we have spent more time than I can say in discussion. Chatting, analysing and generally putting the world to rights. He has always been there to advise, to support. He has been a tower of strength through some hard times. Suddenly those roles seem to be reversed. Much as I have managed this transition, the complete role reversal is almost too much to bear.

Since last Christmas, we have pretty much known that this is the year that will be his last. The deterioration has been gradual, though at times there have been major problems which made me wonder if things would be more sudden. Instead this process is painful and it is slow. Day by day, week by week, I have watched him waste away. The big, strong man can now barely lift a light bag of shopping. His disease is bit by bit removing his strength, his mobility, his ability to get through each day. 

I know he hates the person he has become. I know that he sees what I do, that he looks much older now than he is.

He can still hold a good conversation, but gradually he is losing interest in the things that were special to him. He looks around him and knows that time is short, therefore why bother with football and cricket (previous passions), especially when the teams he follows don't appear to even try to win. In the past we discussed current affairs, politics; all of that seems less important now. He lives day to day, week to week. He knows the end is near, but not how near it is.

The only thing we can do now is to visit to help out. To encourage the grandchildren to visit. They have a baby great grandson who is a source of joy. Visits tire him, but at the same time make the struggle worthwhile.

Today I had a conversation with his hospice nurse. Suddenly, during that conversation, I realised. I was not discussing a patient. I was discussing my dad. On Monday I am meeting her at their house, to begin to discuss how we make his death the best it can be. The next few weeks will be hard. 

I am really sad right now.

TMI Tuesday - Love, Life and Lessons

1. Are you happy with your job? Why or Why not?

This is a job that suits my needs now - I have the hours, pay and job satisfaction I need. I no longer worry about my career because I have a different balance to life.

2. What do you want?

Once I don't need to work, I won't. There is more to life for me now.

3. Who first broke your heart?

Hubby broke my heart early in our marriage. I regret not dealing with that sooner, but we are where we are and I am happy with what life offers for now.

4. What is the biggest mistake you’ve made in a relationship?

Not dealing with problems at the time. That and going back.

5. What did you learn from you last lover/ex-significant other?

That when S told me that I would find what I was looking for, he actually knew what he was talking about. That and finding out that his eternal search for his soulmate would be so difficult for him. I was never she, and knew it all the time in reality.

6. What novel has been instrumental in shaping your views at any point in your life? Why?

Not sure my life has been shaped by books, but more that I have read different types of books at different times. Books about nursing in my teens, books about life, love. Latterly a mix of crime, drama and literary classics. Don't ever ask my favourite - I only remember the story for a short time!

7. Tell us about a favorite TV broadcast show you currently enjoy? Give us a synopsis of the show.

I have no time for tv right now, don't you know how busy my life is?

Bonus: What is your current favorite song to listen to over and over again?

Keane - A place only we know or Robbie Williams - Angels.

A girl's ramblings

I don't have anything specific to blog about today, so this is just going to be a mixture of the things going through my mind right now. What you might describe as a girl's ramblings.

Last weekend Master and i travelled to the south of France. My friends, who spend most of the summer in France were in the UK for a family wedding and a work colleague of hubby and his family had booked my apartment. It seemed like a good excuse for a short break to the sun. Timely as it turned out as the summer here has come to an abrupt end. We had an amazing time visiting a host of new places - all new for me and a couple new for Him. The trouble is, that these trips just give more ideas for future travel (not sure if that is a bad thing as such). The trip itself cost me more than the rental on the apartment, but who cares if you are having a good time?

Actually I do care and I am now looking into having a company manage the change overs next week so I can actually rent the place out and try to cover costs better than I have this year. Hopefully by then I will be more sorted in my personal life, certainly my marriage, home etc.

Hubby is now in France with his 'platonic lady friend'. Since he has been gone, he has texted me incessantly with inane questions that I am sure I had given him the answer to already. Even if I hadn't there is information in the apartment. What then is he up to? There is a pattern. He tends to communicate with me mainly by text, but when I am away he usually steps that up and sends text after text about what I am doing, what the weather is like etc. When he is away, there is usually nothing. But this time, on this trip the level of texts are getting me down. My dad suggested that he is trying to control me, to prevent me moving on with my life. He said also that I need to stop mothering him. I am not sure if control is the right word for him. But I know I have to stop replying. Master says - delete, don't reply. It is going to be a challenge to follow His advice / suggestion / order (probably the former unless I don't comply).

This weekend Master and I had a more relaxing weekend (not withstanding hubby's interruptions). Sometimes just chilling out is the thing to do, along with some home cooking (by me and then Him) and a couple of meals out. We are getting increasingly irritated that it is more challenging to find good food at a reasonable price in our pubs than it is to find good food when travelling. For some reason, despite the fact that British pubs are something of a dying breed, most are now chains that provide substandard offerings. Adequate yes, but definitely not good.

I also visited my parents a couple of times. Essentially it was my turn - my brothers were both working. As dad becomes weaker and struggles to walk distances it is a sad reality that he can no longer safely drive (due to medication). He also struggles to find the strength to lift and carry things. My mum is struggling with anxiety, not feeling safe walking out of the house. Neither are particularly old at 75 but they are frail (dad with cancer and mum has had several strokes). But visits are proving fun. We are chatting and laughing, enjoying each others company in a way we haven't for a long time. Going shopping with them is like a Darby and Joan outing. They have both developed a dark humour (when not complaining about something) and I am definitely embracing these last few weeks of being a girl with two parents.

My son's relationship with his girlfriend is blossoming (not withstanding a couple of days last week when he seemed to be over worrying their relationship) and they also are due to go off to France for a week soon.

Living here, now, in the moment I have to say that this girl is feeling pretty happy with life. This status quo might not last but for now, I am savouring what I have. I am feeling truly blessed with what I have. I just need to dump one very big monkey from my back!!

This should be my approach

Far too much of the time I fail to focus on the here and now. Instead, I think about what has been and fear what is in store for me. Master is always telling me, that I need to live in the moment and to embrace the experiences that are happening now.  Of course that is easy to say. Easy too to do when the moment you are living in is a happy one, a fun one. But what about when you are dealing with the fears and anxieties of others. How then do you maintain the focus on yourself and on living in the here and now?

 

I have been looking at mindfulness as a way of managing my stresses at work, particularly given the other things that are going on in my life. This is about being conscious, about being aware in the present moment of your senses. About being able to feel your feet on the ground, your hands on the keyboard and not imagining yourself somewhere you are not. It is also about not dwelling on the past or being anxious about the future.

 

Mindfulness doesn't mean not planning or setting goals. We need to be able to do that - I certainly need to plan for when I move from my marital home, I also need to recognise the realities that will come with my father's death when it does come. But mindfulness tells us to enjoy the moments as they unfold, and if enjoy is not the right word then at least appreciate the good parts that go with the more challenging times.

 

I am going to try hard to focus on these messages. to let go of the baggage of my past and to trust the future, whatever it holds and however difficult that is to do.

This is my thought for today

As I travel through this journey, it strikes me that it isn't just to Master that I show so much of myself, but to people who support me through this blog. Thank you for doing so.

I make no excuse for concentrating at the moment on the issues that I need to focus on, they are painful but with the help of Master and of those around me, in person and virtually I know I will succeed.

I am off to France for the weekend tomorrow, a chance to reflect on where I have got to and to recharge for the next push.

Am I the only one who didn't see?

Today I had lunch with my sister in law, Well the ex wife of one of my brothers. Our son's, cousins, are best friends and grew up together. We have more in common than we have differences in our lives these days, despite difficult times in the past. She told me that I look well, happy and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This is interesting, since this week has been a struggle. I am tired, have been very very down. Plagued with hot flushes, and mood swings, this has been a difficult week and it is only Wednesday.

She told me that she wondered how I have remained in this marriage for so long. She told me that I deserve to be happy.

Last week, on her birthday my mum asked me not to bring hubby to her small gathering. She told my brother that he has made her daughter unhappy for years and she didn't want him there for her birthday.

I have heard a number of stories now, that he hit on other people as well as the affair he had early on in our marriage. The relationship he has now, which he says is platonic, has gone on longer than he originally admitted. To think that I spent so long worrying about my infidelity currently seems crazy.

Time after time, I hear that people are pleased I have made this change. That they can see I am now happy, where as for years I was not.

For years, I was pretty miserable. I thought no one saw. I never reached out because I thought it was a burden I should carry alone. I thought no one would understand.

For all the sadness I have felt this week, I sense I am close to happiness. I see my freedom within a hare's breath.

I feel sad now that I waited so long. But then again, since I didn't actually know what I needed, I am not sure I should feel that way.

Still, why did no one say any of the things they say now?

No more

Yesterday I had a bad day and the origins of it can be found in the amount of sleep I had. Every weekend I am able to unwind, to relax and to sleep. When I am with Master, I am able to do those things to a greater extent. He is a man who likes His sleep, likes nothing more than to stay in bed late and I am coming to enjoy that too. But part of the reason for this (other than being close to Him), is that I am seriously sleep deprived all week. Master and many people who visit this place know that is the case, and the reasons for it. He and they have given me the benefit of their wisdom on this matter. But until now, I have been unable, unwilling even to face it. But this must stop.

Yesterday started badly and other things which happened through the day just made it worse. Things that I should have been able to manage, things I should have been able to just ignore. But the original cause was a restless night knowing hubby would turn up and then the usual 4.30am early call. A late night on Sunday meant I did manage to get back to sleep briefly, but to be frank, none of my sleep had been of a good quality.

Last night I went to bed early and slept well. Until 4.30am when hubby walked in. This morning though there has been no more sleep. He apologised for waking me and of course I said it was ok. BUT, it was NOT ok.

Another conversation is needed and a change is required. This behaviour cannot go on. I refuse to go through another week where I am woken like this. I refuse to have that man invading what is now my personal space, to do something which obviously makes him feel better. Time for yet more action.

Difficult conversations

Right now, my life if full of them.

Last week I had to deal with hubby's inability to move forward with what needs to happen to end our relationship. As I feel stronger and more secure in myself (and right now, I do),  I see it is the perfect time to get certain things out in the open. Plus as summer draws on, there is a realisation, that if I don't deal with things now, we will be in a new year before something happens.

Today, I took my parents out for lunch. Dad told me that every few days he feels just a little weaker, a little less able to do things. Today I noticed his difficulty in getting out of a chair after sitting a little too long. He told me about throwing an apple down the garden to frighten a cat (I know this isn't kind, but it is dad) and watching the fruit plop down just a short distance away. This from a formerly strong man who bowled for a local cricket team. He told me he just stood and laughed, so amazed by his own lack of strength. Discussions also touched on what to do with his car after he dies (mum doesn't drive), his life insurance and probate for his will. These conversations are difficult for us all, but we recognise that they need to happen. Dad observed that not everyone in the family is as willing as me to discuss these matters and the fact that we are able to is helping them both.

I have been a nurse for over 30 years and during that time I was a district nurse who cared for many patients at the ends of their lives. It is easy, as a member of the medical or nursing profession to think you know all about the process and the feelings that go with it. I find however that that is not the case. On some days I can use my experiences to help advise and support (especially when it comes to dealing with medical matters), but on others and increasingly it is difficult.

Of course these conversations are not unique to our family or indeed to me. Right now, though I am grateful to be able to have them. Not everyone does.

Reflecting on last night

It is hard to express how difficult I found it to take charge of a situation such as was necessary yesterday. Every aspect of the time spent out with hubby screamed at me as something I didn't want to do. It isn't that I didn't want to face facts, to accept that I need to move things on. It was that I was made to act in a way that is increasingly becoming alien to me. Every day at work I handle situations that require me to take the lead, that is not an issue. Likewise there are family situations where I need to do the same. But when it comes to relationships, the acknowledgement that I am submissive makes it increasingly challenging to act as I did.

At the forefront of my mind now, it that I need, indeed am required to consider my Master and to think about whether he would approve of and be proud of my actions and behaviours. Last night was no exception.

Hubby continues to struggle with the whole idea that we cannot just live as we are - a kind of part time arrangement where 2 or 3 nights a week we spend time in the same house and even still the same bed. Meantime he lives elsewhere, with a woman he claims is just a friend. A friend who, it turns out he has been seeing for over 18 months and who he met through a trip organised by people I formerly worked with. Trips he took last year, claiming to be with male friends, were with her. But, they are just friends........

There were tears (not mine), there was anger (not mine), there was pleading (not by me). I was calm and controlled. I retained my composure throughout. However, I wanted to walk away from the situation, I wanted to be allowed to cry, to seek reassurance. I didn't because, at all times I was considering that I needed to do what I promised Master I would.

So we have agreement that we will work on the house and that work will be shared. Then we will put the house on the market and begin the process. Sadly I felt unable to say "by the way, can you move yourself and your belongings into the spare room and do it tonight". But I have a plan about that for the near future.

This morning, hubby has texted to apologise (yet again) for the way he behaved. I suggested we keep talking about what we need to do. 

Master is proud of how I am dealing with this situation and because I trust his judgement, I too am happy. I have some momentum now and I intend to keep it going. 

On the cusp

Today feels really important.

Today is the day, I finally feel strong enough to do what needs to be done.

Today is the day I get together with hubby to sort out how we will end things - there are some practical things that need to be done in relation to the house, garden etc.)

This week members of my family have helped me see that it is time, and that has helped my resolve strengthen.

Plus I have the guidance and support of Master to spur me on. He wishes me to be composed in my actions.

I needed to record these things on this blog today, this is after all a journal of my journey.

A journey that started here 2 years and 4 months ago, but has it's roots in the history of our marriage.

I know who I am, who I wish to be. There is no going back, and I am happy to walk forward into a new part of my life, whatever that brings with it.

6 Months

Friday was the 6 month anniversary of the day I met a man in a pub for a drink. That day was cool and damp. The UK had been 'enjoying' one of the wettest winters on record and the roads around that village were flooded. We took a little walk around the village to look at the sights - The main attraction, the house of a famous author and playwright was closed for the winter. The two local churches (one ruined), were open and we walked around. The man I met on that day, now my Master, says He felt my submission as we strolled, as He touched me and as we kissed. Certainly something happened.

A couple of weeks ago we returned. We had arranged to meet my friend Destiny and her Master for lunch. We got there early and went to the famous author and playwright's house. It was a beautiful summer's day. We wandered around and we sat in the beautiful gardens. As is His way, Master stroked his girl's leg as we stood or sat together. He likes to remind me of who I am and who owns me at times like that. Of course, I wore no underwear on that second time, and was accessible to Him at all times, that is a rule.

The lunch meeting was pleasant, this was the first time we had all met in real time. It was fun getting to know each other properly and to chat. 

Afterwards we all walked around the church yards and into the churches, Master and I spoke of that day, 6 months before. Master reminded me that He felt my submission on that day, a submission that has grown and that we both feel so intensely now. There were quite a few people around, including of course our friends, but there were times on that afternoon that I felt that we were truly the only people  in that beautiful place. 

On Thursday night, probably already after midnight, we spoke of the journey I have taken since that day, February 1st. We spoke of the ways in which I am different - calmer, more measured in my approach to things. We spoke of my submission which is deeper than it has ever been.

I can't say how glad I feel I met the man I now call Master and that we found something we both needed inside of us both. 

Not just a label

I have been troubled over the last few days by a comment on a forum which appeared on my Fetlife page this week. It was written by a 'friend' who in fact is someone I have met, though not seen in a while and was on a forum where people can ask questions of bottoms / submissives / slaves. This person identifies as a Dominant, something he has reiterated to me on a number of occasions. In his response (to a question about the difference between a bottom and a submissive), he entered into something of a rant about definitions of types of submissive suggesting that in fact they are just a label for the same thing. The person in question states that all a Dominant and submissive in a relationship need is to define for themselves how that relationship should be and then leave it at that.

Ok, so in a way the last bit is fine. It is after all a personal relationship choice. But what if, over a period of time, a person has discovered that actually what she calls herself has become less of a label, a choice even and more a discovery of who she is.

2 years ago, I had recognised the submissive in me, another had recognised that too. That submission was only really allowed to fully emerge during play, but increasingly I became aware of its presence at other times. It has always been there, but I had not really realised it. Even then, I recognised my submission and my partner's Dominance as more than a label. At around that time, when I first met the Fetlife 'friend', he told me he had identified himself as dominant for many years.

Fast forward to today and I am identifying myself as slave. This isn't because I decided I needed a new label, wanted to in some way choose something new for myself. I identify myself in that way because I and another have discovered that is who I am. Of course, I am not just any slave, I am the slave of another person - Master. The voyage of discovery I have recently been on, has on one hand been enlightening, a positive experience, but at the same time it has been painful. The realisation that I need to serve another, that I need to put myself in their hands, need to be owned, possessed and put
their needs before my own fulfils needs I didn't know I had. It is also frightening. Giving up control bit by bit, until you no longer have it to own can make you feel like you are falling head first over a cliff. The need to recognise your own behaviours and modify those that the person who owns and controls you seeks to change can feel odd. It can make you do and say things that you know you will regret. But the knowledge deep inside you that this is what you want, what you actually need drives you on.

I have discovered that my need for submission is not about play, about pain, about sex even, (though all of those play a part), but about the way in which I am compelled to give up control of my whole self to Him and for His part He is compelled to take. I know I exist for His pleasure and He knows I will obey Him, I will follow His rules. This exchange of power is what makes this different, it is that which means it is not a game, that I am His slave, not some kind of label.

New focus

It is a couple of weeks since I decided to take a break and a little longer since I posted properly here. I am ready to return, but will be trying to focus on myself, my journey and things that are important to me.  In the few weeks before my break, I had struggled for topics. But also I felt constrained by the knowledge that this is a public place and therefore can be read by anyone. I was finding some aspects of communication with my Master difficult and was also struggling in the relationship His other slave  and I are trying to form.  This was not and still is not the place to do that. This is a place for me to express myself and my feelings, to consider my progress, my journey.

My blogging break when it came was as the result of an event. With my permission (perhaps some would say misguided), I gave permission for Master's slave  (who from now on I will refer to as k), to read my blog. At the same time I was allowed to read her journal.  Not surprisingly, we both became upset about some of the things we read. After all these are personal accounts and they involve relationships with the same man. What is more, she and I have not actually met yet.

I felt that I should at that point rethink this blog and whether I continued with it in a public place, made it private or indeed closed it all together. Master and I discussed this issue at some length and I came to the decision to take a break and at the same time, create a place for He and I to communicate with each other. This has proved successful, and has meant I can write things I have not been able to articulate into spoken words and allow those thoughts to be discussed between us.

k and I have also spent time trying to get to know each other, to try to avoid the misunderstandings which can occur when you are learning to trust each other as we are. I don't deny this is an ongoing journey for us both, but I think we are both moving to a different place in terms of our relationship with each other and the trust we need to have.

So, I return to my blog. I will continue to write and I continue to follow this journey.

A short break

I am going to take a short blogging break while I consider the purpose of writing here.

For the past few weeks I have been a bit concerned that I have lost track of the reasons I started this, which was about my own journey to become the person I want and need to be. It is not about specific events or issues but about how I as a person manage and deal with them.

Master and I have discussed this, and I am going to take a new approach, to write in a different private place first. This is so that I can write freely, without worrying that it appears publicly on the web. Once I have cleared my head of some of the issues I need to do that with, then I feel I will be able to return, refocused.

I am still around, still reading, still here........

Kinks and fetishes

Master has given me the task of blogging about my kinks and fetishes. I have written about all of them in this blog in the past, but this will give me the opportunity to go into much more detail.

There is no doubt that life in the kinky world has moved quickly for me, since my first encounters in April 2012. I was lucky to meet a man who made his fetishes clear to me and then who pushed my boundaries to achieve them. I have to admit the first time he called me a slut, or a whore, I wasn't sure  I exactly liked it. But what was clear was that being called those names turned me on. So in no particular order:

Humiliation and exhibitionism - I am putting these together, because even though it is not always the case so often they have taken place at the same time. Wearing clothes I wouldn't usually wear, perhaps without underwear can be both liberating and at the same time humiliating. Being out with Master while wearing  a short and revealing dress turns me on. I love the idea that others might look at me and think me a slut, I am willing to expose myself for Him, and to stand in a way that He can touch me up in a public place. I find it exciting, thrilling and shameful all at the same time. Sometimes though, I have been meeting Him somewhere and for example might have been to buy shoes. I am aware of my body at all times, the fear that i might need to bend over, might trip and my body be seen is scary but exciting. I love to be told how dirty I am, I love also to be made to express myself in words I wouldn't usually wish to. To use the words whore, slut, cunt in ways that I know turn Him on and in doing so do the same to me. To have those words written on my body and to see them in the mirror as I dress in the morning is also a big turn on. I am not sorry that Master doesn't have the same fetish for heels and stockings as S did. While I like the feel of the stockings, they are often too short, as I am tall. Of course, I would never have objected if that had been what He had wanted from me.

Being touched, played with, or even having sex out doors, especially in a public place is a big turn on for me. I love the feel of the air on my skin and the risks associated with being discovered doing something that is essentially taboo.

Anal play - I have written here quite a bit about the thrill Anal sex gives me. It feels on the one hand the most intimate thing, the biggest turn on and on the other something shameful (back to the humiliation thing). Increasingly I can orgasm without stimulation elsewhere, while having anal sex. What is more, the very presence of a butt plug, can be calming and settling. It helps put me into the most amazing head space. I have my new, larger plug at home and am very much looking forward to getting to know it much more intimately.

Restraint - I love to be restrained, especially when I have had a lot going on in my life, when I am tense. I love my legs to be restrained in the spreader bar, to have my arms tied (though I am less keen on handcuffs as they can be uncomfortable). If I am also blindfolded and gagged, then all the better. I love the way in which all of those things heighten your senses and make it hard to know what is exactly being done to you and with what toy.

Recently I have discovered that multiple orgasms, forced or otherwise, can have the effect of making me feel as though I am restrained, when I am not. This feeling helps my submission, especially when again I have been somewhat stressed for whatever reason.

Nipple play - My nipples have always been sensitive, but since I had them pierced you can multiply that 10 fold. I love when He plays with them in a public place or gives them a quick squeeze. I love them played with during sex, and I found out last week that it is possible to cum with no stimulation other than having your breast squeezed. I love also to play with  my own nipples and when alone, I do.

Pain - I am something of a pain slut, but not a masochist by any stretch of the imagination. Having said that, the more turned on I am, then the more pain I can tolerate. Especially if Master has taken a reasonably slow approach, perhaps starting with the violet wand and moving up through various paddles, crops and whips. Pain on my cunt, my tits and my legs are as good for me as on my bottom and back though.

Orgasm control, forced orgasms - The most amazing thing ever in my book is the hitachi, to be forced against your will (if indeed it was against my will) to cum multiple times with that wonderful toy is one of the best things. Closely followed by being able to cum just because someone tells you to. Luckily for me, Master likes me to cum and considers it an important thing, that orgasms are released and given to Him. Giving up that control was the first thing I did for Him and it is probably what got me to where I am now.

Cock worship - I am not sure this is a fetish or kink, since doesn't every woman do this? Maybe not, since I didn't in the past. The D/s dynamic gives a whole new perspective; He wants you to get down before Him and take Him, you want to, since you love His cock so much. Whatever, I do actually worship His very cock.

Have I missed anything? This might be a post that I need to add to......

What the words we use mean to me

Yesterday during my slight melt down, I asked Master what I should blog about. I have been struggling with topics, particularly as some of the things that do bother me, I don't feel comfortable with blogging about in detail here. I know that I should be able to use this as a place to freely speak my mind, but even though it is very similar to a journal, it isn't a private place and I am always mindful of that fact.

This morning Master came back with a suggestion that I blog about the words we use and what they mean to me, thinking about how those meanings have changed. For simplicity of writing style, and no other reason, I am going to write in the first person.

Two and a half years ago I had never given much thought to submission, or to Dominance. I knew very little of the world of BDSM, indeed I had the view that it was predominantly about sex, and kinky sex at that. My life at the time was pretty much free of sex, kinky or otherwise. I felt my life had been one of domestic drudgery. Working hard, essentially doing everything for the family, being there at everyones beck and call. I felt quite unhappy with my lot. I had no understanding that my need to be that person, to serve an other, or indeed others, was part of who I was. I didn't realise that it was possible to provide service, to submit and in return be cared for and to be protected. I knew I wanted to be looked after, I knew that I needed someone to take more control of my life, but I had a husband, and since he wasn't such a bad man, I thought that was my lot in life.

A few times in the past 5 or 6 years, I have played online. Until early 2012 though, I had never actually been in a BDSM chat room and encountered the Dominant / submission dynamic. Something drew me there and once it did, I found it felt like home. I began reading all I could online and then bought books which told me more about it. I met S almost simultaneously. There was never a question in my mind that I was submissive and the more I read, the more we chatted, the greater the pull was. The sex offered by S was kinky, and I was as keen to explore that part of me as he was. It was part of the BDSM 'thing' as far as I could see then; the submission came alongside.

Fast forward to now and I recognise that within a relationship sex is very important. For me now, kinky sex is what I need, not to say that any sex isn't something I love. It is. But what I know now is that submission isn't about sex per say. Submission is something deeply held. A feeling, a need, a desire. It is what makes me feel like a whole person. It isn't about kneeling, about physical restraint, it isn't about calling my Dominant by a particular name. It is just who I am. 

It never crossed my mind until recently that I might even identify with slave rather than submissive. I am still not certain, why I increasingly believe that to be the case. In the past I had a negative view of what that might mean given what I knew of the history of slavery past and present. But knowing that it is possible to consent to being someone's property, their slave, actually gives me a sense that I could be fulfilled in a way I never imagined. That I could offer all of myself to another, and that person could want to take control of every part of me. That I would never again have to retain power over the whole of my life is something that I want and desire. Right now, there is nothing that makes me happier than when Master asks: "who owns you?" and I reply "you do".

How then is this different from the rest of my adult life? I have always felt that I existed only for the benefit of others, but that somehow I received little in return. How is it different to willingly give up, when in the past you felt it was just taken, and what is more, taken for granted by all of those around you. Perhaps it is the knowledge that Master doesn't take. He asks me to give, and once it is given, He retains it. Even though this relationship only started some 5 months ago, it feels like a gradual process. He didn't demand, I gave willingly, and the more I gave the more I felt I needed to give. At some point (actually a day in May when He was away in the US), we both appeared to realise that I had a need to give up complete control. I had an overwhelming desire to become His slave. 

When Master tells me He owns me, it makes me feel safe and secure. It makes me feel bound, even when not restrained. I call him Master now, freely and in a way I couldn't seem to get used to Sir. He tells me He is my Lord (He loves being called Lord), and He is. To begin with I laughed at the idea of calling Him such a name, but now, the name Lord, is also spoken easily. The knowledge I am His girl, that my name is girl fits easily in my head. At times, I wonder, that I was ever anything else. 

But the names mean nothing without the actions. I called another person Master, though only really in the bedroom (as it were). This is something deeper, more consuming. Being slave (a slave called girl), is now deeply within me. Without His help and guidance, without control, I feel lost. For me, He is my Lord and Master and whether I like it or not (and mostly I do) He owns me, inside and out. 

Pictures from Destiny's Pinterest page

Needing control from a far

I am away for a few days on my own. I say on my own, but actually, although I am here on my own in the apartment, I am really with friends. Last night was a birthday celebration, for someone I have known since I was about 5 years old. She was older, already 13 and as her teenage years progressed she adopted my mum as her 'big sister'/ 'surrogate mum', since, as many of us do, she had relationship problems with her own mum. Mine was younger, with young children. Over the years, I have become closer to her and her own family. Yesterday was her 60th - a young, fun 60. Many friends and family came together and celebrated with her.

I have had great fun. Have chatted, laughed and generally hung out. It has been lovely.

But I have been missing the feeling of control Master has been giving me. Which I think deepened when we were in Lisbon.

Yesterday as I got ready for my night out, my mood dropped and I could easily have just crawled into bed and stayed away from the party. I didn't and I pulled myself together. Late last night though, Master and I skyped and discussed my slight melt down.

There were factors which played in and which seemed to have affected me. Firstly, in the morning, I skyped with His other slave. Consciously and deliberately I offered this opportunity, since face to face is less likely to be misunderstood than text. Plus the timing suited us both - me at the beginning, she at the end of the day. I came away feeling that we had had a good chat, and we did. But there were a few things that played on my mind all day. A certain sense of trying to get one up on me, which may or may not be the case. Whatever, it played on my mind during the day.

Second, was the constant contact from the man who remains my husband in the legal sense. When I am home, days can go by without any contact at all. Even when he spends an evening at home, little meaningful conversation goes on. But when I am here, especially if alone, he does not leave me alone! Text after text come through, and if I don't respond then he sends another. Each text I send from France, costs money, so to be frank, I would rather only contact those I wish to and that doesn't include him.

These two things were sufficient to wind me up enough that I had my mini crisis as I showered and changed for the evening. Add to that the fact I bombarded Master with a good 6 or 7 texts, which were to be frank a little bratty, with no response and you have a girl who needs some guidance and yes, control.

As we sat across France from each other, He told me that He could see I need the control from Him. We talked about how I need to manage those outside influences. We talked about the fact that He doesn't mind if I bombard Him with texts, so long as I know He isn't going to respond to my bratty rants. I already knew that at the time mind you.

He asked me who I am and who I belong to - I am this girl and she belongs to Him, Master. When away from Him, they are the two things to keep in mind. Plus, to act in a way that He would want me to.

Today, He wants me to turn off my phone. I plan to do that - to have it with me, but to turn it off while I go about my day - to the local market soon and then to the beach. Tomorrow I leave for home and tomorrow night I can feel His control in person.

Image from For the Love of a Submissive

Looking back, looking forward

On 24th January I wrote this:

I think the first thing to say is that I really want (and need) is to be allowed to explore my submissive side. I want (and need) a dominant man who can help me do that. I am tired of making quite so many decisions for myself and for everyone around me and I really would like the opportunity to hand some of that over for at least some of the time. I would like to be told that I should like to be told that I am expected to dress in a certain way, to keep myself shaved, to behave in a particular way and to be made to spend some time thinking about my submission. I am not saying I want to be a 24/7 submissive, but to be given the opportunity to consider how much of my time is spent submitting to someone else is something I would like to have.

I want to be someones sexual object. To be made to push my sexual and other boundaries. I want to be expected to kneel, to worship. I want to be made to feel that they are the only one that matters and through those feelings to be aroused.

I want boundaries within which I should live my life. I want to be punished when I wilfully break rules. I want and need control.

In turn I want to be cared for, to be loved and to be made to feel wanted.

At the time, my relationship with Steve had finally ended. Even though i thought i was confused about what i wanted, perhaps deep down i knew. 

A day or two later, i first encountered Master online and 8 days later we met for the first time.

Earlier this week, Master and i were chatting about this blog. It was worrying me that perhaps i have less to say these days. i was worried that perhaps that might be a problem. Ok, so there have been concerns about the poly dynamic recently, but to be frank without making this into place where i just moan there is little point in spending my life either worrying or writing about that issue. Anyway this is my blog, and so giving space to my issues with her wouldn't help me, let alone anyone else. Unless of course it is to discuss the effect that has on my life, His life, or our life. 

He suggested that over the past few weeks, there has been a change in the way i am coping with life in general. That i am calmer, more measured in my approach to problems. Until He mentioned that, i hadn't really considered that to be the case. But yes it is true. He suggested i look back to the beginning of this year to see how i was then. It was while reading those posts that i came upon the excerpt above. 

The things i knew about my submissive self at the time were undeveloped. But i knew what i wanted and needed. What i have learnt since then has made me essentially into a difficult individual. I now instinctively know i am submissive. I am not afraid any longer to admit that. What is more, i know that i not only do i need to give up control of my life, that it is only by being able to do so for the right Man, that i understand what it means to be submissive.

Last weekend, when lying in bed with Master, i felt my submission was such that i was completely in His control. I felt like my limbs were tied, even though they were free. I was barely able to speak, even though no one had gagged me in anyway. What is more, i felt completely calm, happy and at ease. That is what submission has given me. It is less than 6 months since i wrote the post above, but it seems i have found what i was looking for then.

Saturday morning fun

Master introduced two new toys shortly after we woke on Saturday morning. The first was some kind of oddly shaped gadget, apparently called (according to the website he obviously bought it from) an intimate part spreader. Also according to the website it stimulates the G spot. Well. It certainly stimulated the G spot. Plus seemed to cause this girl's clit to go into some kind of spasm. That is some toy!!! It looks weird, but wow!! 

This girl was ready for anything. Just as well, since He then introduced something else. Something this girl can only describe as a snake. Well, kind of very very long, double ended cock. Master made His girl fuck herself silly with that cock. Apparently it is suitable to fit in two different holes, or two different girls. Obviously the opportunities are endless. 

By the time this girl had had her cunt spread, her labia exposed, her clit blown on and then a large snake fucking her, she was a gibbering wreck deep in a subby space. Her reward for giving Master the pleasure of watching His girl used in this way was to be able to take Him in her mouth and reap the benefits of His orgasm.

This girl loves to give and receive pleasure and that was some pleasure. This girl was fit to burst with her own happiness.

Unfortunately later, events out of her control sent her into a bit of a tail spin. Events which took her all of Sunday morning to recover from. 

This girl has spoken before of the problems associated with the whole polyamorous lifestyle. Once again it was that whole thing which stopped this girl feeling quite as good as she had done. At times it is hard to understand quite what this girl or indeed Master does to deserve such highs and then such lows. But it is as it is. Things are back on an even keel again now, but this girl has to wonder for how long. This girl often wonders how she might get through this whole thing. Whether it is worth it. On Saturday night and into Sunday, she had serious doubts.

But it isn't often in life a girl gets the chance of the kind of happiness Master brings to her. The fun they have together, the way they are able to laugh through difficult situations. Life was never meant to be easy, and for sure it isn't. The life this girl and her Master are living is complex and down right complicated. But from where this girl sits right now it is worth it. 

Anyway where else will she find a man who has such a wonderful range of gadgets and isn't afraid to use them!

Friday - Highs

This weekend has been a bit about highs and lows. But in this post, this girl thinks she should just concentrate on the highs. Maybe tomorrow, or later in the week, she will feel the need to discuss the lows. But right now, what good would that do?

This girl has had a long, three day, weekend. The whole, 4 day working week thing is just what thing girl needed. Even if, as happened this week, she doesn't get as much sleep as she would like, this girl is still able to catch up pretty quickly. Plus there is the advantage of having more time to do the chores around the house. Even better, is the fact that on her day off, a girl can have lunch with a friend and spend the afternoon and evening with her Master. 

This girl loves the fact that she has met such wonderful people since discovering her submission. People like my lovely girlfriend, who i lunched with on Friday. Never before has this girl had someone who she can tell everything to. Plus in return receive some amazing and pretty unbiased advice. It is also lovely to see this girl's friend growing as she is, exploring new things, building friendships and actually having fun on the way. That of course what life is about, surely.

Then off to meet Master. To visit a London gallery that both excited and depressed us both in one go. This girl loves how Master has the knowledge about art, history and art history. But, it is clear that at times we are equal in our knowledge that some London galleries and museums are bizarre in the way they think ordinary people want to view the artwork available. Of course, this girl is naive in her knowledge, but has, over the past couple of years spent a lot of time wandering round these places and instinctively knows when things are right or wrong. Master is not naive, so it is good to know this girl's instincts are generally on the right track.

After dinner, we headed back to Master's place. It is important to note, that since the whole 'no luggage in Lisbon' thing, this girl can now just travel 'avec tooth brush and hair brush' and stay over (though face cream is going to be added for the future). Also, glasses are also carried (contact lens solution now resides at Master's house).

Back at His house, He gave this girl a new and to be frank, expected, toy. A new Mr Steel Butt plug. What is more, this is a serious plug, two sizes larger than the original!  (one that this girl wears as she writes this post). It was a warm evening, so without any instruction this girl stripped off (obviously that was the only reason).

The world cup is still in action, so Master used the opportunity to watch the football and also play with His girl. This involved demanding several orgasms with, from what this girl can remember, minimal effort on His part - a touch here, a pinch there, a slap here, a suck there. Then he took that very large plug and pushed it into this girl's cunt. At the time, this girl considered, that if it felt like it did in her cunt, what would it feel like inside her rectum; now she knows.

The football was of course interesting, but to be frank, an early start, a full cunt and multiple orgasms, relaxed this girl to the extent that she had a snooze during the second half. But once this girl and Master retired to bed, she was much more alert for the wonderful time they both had. This girl drifted to sleep again, one hell of a happy girl. On such a high.

Dealing with the relationships

When I started the relationship with Master, I knew about His slave. But since we were getting together predominantly to play, and maybe just go out together. We would provide company to each other, during a difficult time for us both. She seemed happy with the arrangement. We all discussed the whole poly thing, but to be frank none of us really saw what was coming.

Over the last 5 months (yesterday was the anniversary of our first meeting), things have developed. There is something special between us that at times, for me feels over whelming. The nature of a D/s relationship, the trust and the control add something that conventional relationships don't necessarily have. Add to that the elements present during play, add in even the nature of the sex itself. This was never going to be about playing and keeping each other company. You can be sure it isn't.

What I didn't realise though was the intensity of the relationship between Master's other girl and Him. This is not to say I shouldn't have realised, since I already understood their future plans. But I was caught up in the moment.

She and I have communicated on and off for most of the past 5 months. We are friends on Facebook and message each other there or on Skype. But both find this a challenge. We both say things that upset the other, and then that leads to difficulties not just for us, but also for Master too who is the one to pick up the pieces. Of course, you might say He got Himself into this, which He did. But still, it is the reality.

What is apparent to me though, and to Him, is that I am a little more vulnerable that people might imagine. My demeanour, my words, suggest someone in control of herself and her emotions. But the enormity of some of the issues going on in my life mean that appearances can be deceptive. Add in the fact that I am still learning to be the kind of submissive I need to be, and that He wants of me and at times I feel like a gibbering wreck. A careless word, a photo on Fetlife and I am reading all kinds of things into the meaning - even if there probably isn't one to find.

I am going to try to step back a little from my relationship with her again. I don't want to cause offence, but at the moment I need to consider myself.

I don't know what the future will bring for any or all of us. But for the moment, I am happy in the relationship I have. I know I need to concentrate on being the person I want and need to be and in serving the Man who is my Master. Concentrate too on what I can manage and control and what should be controlled in me.

TMI Tuesday - Life

My second TMI Tuesday - Life, 1st July 2014

1. We learn from our mistakes. What sex or sexual mistakes have you made and learned from, What was the lesson learned?

If it doesn't feel right it isn't. For years I assumed the problems with the sex hubby and I 'enjoyed' was my fault. He even called me frigid. Master will tell you that that is not the case. 

2. What risk (sexual or not) would you take if you knew you would not fail?

There are so many things I would gladly do if Master asked me. Generally I just trust Him. Away from sex, well I would leave my job if I felt it was right, in the knowledge that there was something out there. That I wouldn't have done 18 months ago.

3. At what time in your life have you felt most passionate and alive?

Now!! My life definitely started shortly before my 50th birthday and has just got better. I can honestly say this is the best time of my life. Master is helping me emerge as the submissive I know I want to be and will be.

4. What one piece of advice about sex would you offer the virgin you?

Don't marry the first man you have sex with. For the most, I have been happy. But I was never sexually fulfilled and that proved in the end to be defining.

5. What are you avoiding?

That final break. But I am moving ever closer, especially after last week with Master.

6. By what age should you know what you want to do with your life?

It is never too late, so just don't worry.

Bonus: Do you think you’ve experienced true intimacy in a relationship?

Yes. During the last week. There is nothing like a few problems like no toiletries, a toothbrush or clothes to let you know if you understand what is important in life and your relationship. We passed the test, I think.

Some questions were adapted from 28 questions for a happy life.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Challenges

Knowing that i return to work today after a week off, i was always going to sleep less well than of late. It was a night when i had no calming hand from Master and it was a night when i had more than enough hot flushes.

But it was the visitor who arrived in the house, and bedroom at 4.35am (according to the digital clock) that prevented good quality sleep before his arrival and any sleep at all afterwards.

My first challenge, going forward is to stop this happening every Monday and Tuesday morning.

This week my son and I are off to Ikea this week to buy him some new bedroom furniture. I will then move his current bed into the spare room and that will become hubby's bedroom when he is here.

Next, there are a few bits of decorating to be done and then I really do need to move to the next phase, since ending the marriage necessitates selling the house.

My son said yesterday that he will be happy to move with me to wherever I go if he is not ready to move out to his own flat. He also offered to speak to his dad about the way he comes and goes. I just love the way that boy has grown into such a lovely young man. But no, any conversations about his dad and I need to be had by us. I need to maintain my new found calm and resolve to do so though.

.............................

While we were away, Master and i discussed ways in which we might more openly display the nature of our relationship in the future. Thinking about the challenges ahead for me, i really do need to have those boundaries and rules set. i also think i need something other than my piercings that tells me and others, who i am. 

Even when He is not here, i feel His influence in everything i do. But i know that as the days go by, i need some ways to refocus my mind and body so that i can continue to serve Him and to make Him pleased with me even during those difficult times. 

A good place

This girl feels very calm right now.

She has spent most of the last week with her Master and has been subject to His calming influence and to His power and control. This girl has made few decisions, and when she has, they have been in the knowledge that He isn't far away. Even today when we have been apart, He hasn't been far from this girl's thoughts and that helps keep her on the right path.

This morning, shortly after waking, Master took possession of this girl. He had already instructed her to give Him a number of orgasms and then He took her arse for the first time in a few weeks. It was a fitting end to a wonderful week. This girl can still feel where He has been, as she writes this blog post over 12 hours later.

The challenge now, as this girl returns to work tomorrow and encounters the stresses of both work and home, is to maintain this calm feeling. To prevent that feeling of happiness falling away too quickly and not allow those who may cause this girl to feel anxious and doubt herself from doing so.

Today this girl was complimented by her dad on the way she handled one or two put down comments from her mum. In the past this girl was quick to react to such comments, but today she acted differently. She acted instead, in the way she and Master have discussed. She felt proud. Of the comments, and that if Master had been there, that He would have been pleased with her.

This girl has a number of things she needs to focus on in the coming months to make the changes that are necessary to her life. She knows that being calm and organised is part of the key to being successful in making these changes. She knows that she needs to make something of a plan. She needs Master's help in doing this and in helping keep her on track.

This girl needs to learn how to keep within this good place even when she and Master aren't together, even when He can't see her. That is the challenge.