On 24th January I wrote this:
I think the first thing to say is that I really want (and need) is to be allowed to explore my submissive side. I want (and need) a dominant man who can help me do that. I am tired of making quite so many decisions for myself and for everyone around me and I really would like the opportunity to hand some of that over for at least some of the time. I would like to be told that I should like to be told that I am expected to dress in a certain way, to keep myself shaved, to behave in a particular way and to be made to spend some time thinking about my submission. I am not saying I want to be a 24/7 submissive, but to be given the opportunity to consider how much of my time is spent submitting to someone else is something I would like to have.
I want to be someones sexual object. To be made to push my sexual and other boundaries. I want to be expected to kneel, to worship. I want to be made to feel that they are the only one that matters and through those feelings to be aroused.
I want boundaries within which I should live my life. I want to be punished when I wilfully break rules. I want and need control.
In turn I want to be cared for, to be loved and to be made to feel wanted.
At the time, my relationship with Steve had finally ended. Even though i thought i was confused about what i wanted, perhaps deep down i knew.
A day or two later, i first encountered Master online and 8 days later we met for the first time.
Earlier this week, Master and i were chatting about this blog. It was worrying me that perhaps i have less to say these days. i was worried that perhaps that might be a problem. Ok, so there have been concerns about the poly dynamic recently, but to be frank without making this into place where i just moan there is little point in spending my life either worrying or writing about that issue. Anyway this is my blog, and so giving space to my issues with her wouldn't help me, let alone anyone else. Unless of course it is to discuss the effect that has on my life, His life, or our life.
He suggested that over the past few weeks, there has been a change in the way i am coping with life in general. That i am calmer, more measured in my approach to problems. Until He mentioned that, i hadn't really considered that to be the case. But yes it is true. He suggested i look back to the beginning of this year to see how i was then. It was while reading those posts that i came upon the excerpt above.
The things i knew about my submissive self at the time were undeveloped. But i knew what i wanted and needed. What i have learnt since then has made me essentially into a difficult individual. I now instinctively know i am submissive. I am not afraid any longer to admit that. What is more, i know that i not only do i need to give up control of my life, that it is only by being able to do so for the right Man, that i understand what it means to be submissive.
Last weekend, when lying in bed with Master, i felt my submission was such that i was completely in His control. I felt like my limbs were tied, even though they were free. I was barely able to speak, even though no one had gagged me in anyway. What is more, i felt completely calm, happy and at ease. That is what submission has given me. It is less than 6 months since i wrote the post above, but it seems i have found what i was looking for then.