Today I had lunch with my sister in law, Well the ex wife of one of my brothers. Our son's, cousins, are best friends and grew up together. We have more in common than we have differences in our lives these days, despite difficult times in the past. She told me that I look well, happy and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This is interesting, since this week has been a struggle. I am tired, have been very very down. Plagued with hot flushes, and mood swings, this has been a difficult week and it is only Wednesday.
She told me that she wondered how I have remained in this marriage for so long. She told me that I deserve to be happy.
Last week, on her birthday my mum asked me not to bring hubby to her small gathering. She told my brother that he has made her daughter unhappy for years and she didn't want him there for her birthday.
I have heard a number of stories now, that he hit on other people as well as the affair he had early on in our marriage. The relationship he has now, which he says is platonic, has gone on longer than he originally admitted. To think that I spent so long worrying about my infidelity currently seems crazy.
Time after time, I hear that people are pleased I have made this change. That they can see I am now happy, where as for years I was not.
For years, I was pretty miserable. I thought no one saw. I never reached out because I thought it was a burden I should carry alone. I thought no one would understand.
For all the sadness I have felt this week, I sense I am close to happiness. I see my freedom within a hare's breath.
I feel sad now that I waited so long. But then again, since I didn't actually know what I needed, I am not sure I should feel that way.
Still, why did no one say any of the things they say now?