I have a category on my tag cloud for random thoughts and this will fall into that arena. It is not long after 5.30am and how else can you approach writing something at this time?
There seems to have been a sea change in my attitude to hubby. I am at long long last holding my line and not taking all of the self pity that usually lands up with me feeling guilty. He is sad and miserable, he is lonely. But he is 55 years old, he has to take control of his life.
He was out last night and has just left after the usual procedure - drive from where he was, change for work, pick up sandwiches, spend half an hour lying in / on the marital bed and then leave. Yesterday I managed to ignore him sufficiently that I woke up when my alarm went off. This morning, no. As is usual during the week at the moment I am now going to struggle to activate my brain by 9am.
This week I have a family night out. My family. We are doing something special that my dad whose cancer is now palliative (you might say terminal) wants to do. It is a bucket list thing. Hubby is not invited. In my own opinion, I am handling this better than usual. I am not changing the booking and I am not going to endure what would be an uncomfortable evening for the sake of him. It is my dad's night out and in his view hubby has not been a very good husband / son in law lately. He knows that I have been a bad girl (not how bad obviously) but still I am his daughter. Hubby and I have discussed the issue this morning and he knows the position that has been taken.
The truth is blatant to me though. It doesn't matter to me any more what hubby wants. If I don't want it, or someone special doesn't want it, then that is the end of the matter.
My life is rapidly moving on after a long time of allowing it to tread water. I told myself weeks ago that I would move things along once my job was permanent. Funny how that coincided with meeting Graeme.
Speaking of Graeme, he comes here to read what I say regularly. We have discussed quite a lot of my previous posts and general ramblings. We will no doubt discuss this later. The question in my mind right now and something to discuss is whether I tell hubby sooner rather than later that I am seeing someone. I thought before no, after all it is kind of early days. But is it? We have seen a lot of each other all ready, spent many hours together in person and talking on yahoo. I don't think he and I are going our separate ways any day soon.
So this morning, slightly less cheery. But the soft glow of the weekend still surrounds me. The promise of more to come keeps me going. Finally I feel in control of the part of my life that needs me to control it and I am learning to give up the part that I want to give to another.
This is early, this is random but maybe my brain is geared up more than I thought.
Time for coffee....