Time to myself

For the first time in about a week I have time to breathe, to relax and to do as I wish unwatched. Hubby has gone out with friends and won't be back till morning.

It is not true that I am completely alone since my son is upstairs in his room. We have both been to work today and so while I relax downstairs he is playing with his Christmas presents upstairs (he is 21 but who can deny a young man a new computer game and half a dozen CDs).

A truce was called over Christmas while hubby and I decided not to bicker and argue with each other; it led to peace and a kind of relaxation not found in these parts for at least a month. We are getting on ok, though of course the undercurrent of my relationship with Sir is there. I don't blame hubby for the things he says or for the way he acts towards me. But I cannot undo what is going on here.

Over the last week we have had a reasonable amount of sex. This is something different for us, because before the last few weeks we hadn't done so since at least February. Trouble is, what we have together in the bedroom isn't enough and I can't get what I need from him. I can't submit to him even if I could. At some point during those first few days when I came clean, I told him I needed to be dominated.

For some reason he has taken to calling me a dirty bitch, in bed.

It just sounds so wrong.

Another reason i am feeling quite so chirpy today is because i had a chat with Sir today. He sensed i was feeling good and i think that a bit of that rubbed off as His Christmas has been less cheery given a work / ex-wife combo of difficulties.

i know it is wrong, but i can't wait to see Him. i will probably have to wait until my son goes back to uni, but when we do get together it will definitely be worth it.

Because i haven't been online for the last couple of weeks, i haven't had chance to catch up with everyone else. But i have the whole evening ahead of me and i intend do so right now.

I hope everyone has had a good Christmas time; lets all hope for a great, kinky New Year!

A better day

After my brief, but miserable update last night, I am pleased to say I am feeling a whole lot better. While I still don't have a job post April, I do have one now. What is more I have had some time today to discuss things with colleagues and to reflect. I have found another job to apply for and have chatted to that particular boss.

I have also spent an hour with Sir (through the power of Skype). That has helped me immensely. He has a way of making me feel so much better. He is great at listening and then of making me smile; perhaps that is one of the reasons I value his opinion so much. After half an hour or more of good vanilla chat, we moved on and discussed what we would like to be doing with each other. As ever this made me very wet. I was then pleased to show him that I was wearing stockings and suspenders, no knickers, which I know pleased him.

That time together was just what I needed. I was allowed to cum and for that I am both grateful and a little fulfilled this afternoon. We chatted about the upcoming Christmas festivities and about me visiting him in the new year. We also reflected on the great things we have done over the last 9 months.

Today, then I am feeling a whole lot happier and extremely grateful. For him and for the lovely friends I have made through my blog - thanks for all of the support you give me guys.

Plus I only have 2 more working days till I finish for Christmas and that I might say is a very good thing!

Bad to worse

There is no kinkiness in my life right now, just a life trying to pacify hubby and the need to sort out a job.

I work for the Health Service in England and we are being massively reorganised. My current job will not exist after April and I have been required to apply for a new job. Today, two things happened. Firstly I received a letter telling me I am now at risk of redundancy (if I fail to find another suitable job by the end of March) and Secondly I failed to secure the job for which I was interviewed last Friday. I have been offered a lifeline in that though I failed to reach the required level during interview I have been asked to reapply (quite strange I know).

What I would like now is to be with my Sir.

I would like to be able to submit to Him. I would like to be bound, wearing a corset perhaps, being taken from behind.

I don't know when I can next be with Him. But I know it is what I want and what I need.

Other than that, I don't really know what to say........

I have Christmas presents to wrap and instead I will head off to wrap them..........

Struggling on

My access to the computer and particularly anything involving typing is restricted right now to times when I am alone. If my aim in all this had been to make hubby notice me, to make him want to hold and touch me, then I have succeeded. Some days are reasonable, we can talk like adults, go about our normal life but with the added bonus of improved communications between us. We actually speak to each other during the course of an evening other than to discuss what dinner was like or what we think of a TV programme. This is definitely an improvement and a good thing. Also he is helping in the kitchen with peeling potatoes and the like, he even cooked me poached egg on toast. He is also a hindrance, since when I am cooking he wants to hold and kiss me and that can be just a little on the irritating side if you want to get things done.

His mood does turn on a knife edge though. One minute we can be having a reasonable conversation and the next he is off on a rant. Telling me that I don't really want to be there with him but off with Sir. He tells me that he will never fulfil me like Sir does, that I am just biding my time until I leave him to set up home by the sea. No matter what I say in response he looks at  me knowingly.

Trouble is I don't actually know how much of what he says is true (other than the fact that I am not going to be living with Sir, though I would be happy to live by the sea). On one hand I am pleased we actually notice each other but on the other I don't need to be glued to any other human being in this way of an evening.

The day and night with Sir just over a week ago now was wonderful. Not only was I able to reaffirm my submission to Him, but I also got some much needed breathing space. Sir looked after me in a completely different way - yes it involved clamps, cuffs and some great spanking. But it also involved a long, long walk and some lovely food and wine. It really was just what I needed.

The following days were very challenging and at times I wondered which of us, hubby or I were most likely to crack under the strain. Last weekend we went away with a whole group of people to Germany. This involved spending 4 days and nights with hubby no less than 4 feet from me (or so it felt). So much so that if I touched my phone he was convinced I was about to email or text. No couple can live in this way and there were times when I wanted to run away from him. I know that he loves me and fears that he will lose me, but to be honest that option becomes more desirable the more claustrophobic I become.

There are no plans to see Sir before Christmas but I really wish that it was possible to do so. For the benefit of a peaceful time though I know it is best that I let the dust settle a bit.

My son is home from University on Saturday and I need him to return to the home he knows, not the strange place it seems to have become.

30 Days of Submission - Day 30

Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

Well finally i have reached day 30, who would imagine 30 days would be such a long time (I started this in August!) Considering the events of the past 10 days or so, it is fitting that i should be answering this question now. This is because this is just what i face. The change in my situation that could easily happen would probably lead me to be without the submission i crave. Just now, i cannot contemplate that happening.

If anyone had told me at the beginning of this year that i would want to kneel before a man, and put my body at his disposal, i would have told them they were mad. But it is kneeling before him or indeed bending over for him so he can spank me, feel me, fuck me, do with me what he wants, that has made me feel like a real person at last. Faced now with the possibility that i could be forced to give all this up is something i cannot bear. 

i have thought lots over the months and especially this past week, about what makes submission special. for me i think it is about giving all of myself to another. It is about being prepared to place myself in His hands, at his will and mercy. Then it is the feelings that this submission creates inside of me. Being tied up, wearing his collar, being spanked, being told to keep my legs open, being humiliated; all of those things make me overwhelmed with submissive feelings. 

i know that i can't do this with just anyone. i feel blessed to have met Sir and to have found my submission with Him. What i feel for him is very special and i think he knows that. i trust him and can't wait to submit to him again very soon.

Photo Source: Badlittlemiss


 

Permission - of sorts

It is now 7 days since i took the bull by the horns and came clean. i know it was the right thing to do, and at the time i definitely felt the burden lift from me. As i sit here now (i have a late start this morning and am still in bed), i am feeling quite light hearted. This is helped by the fact that i had an almost complete nights sleep last night. i must say i had forgotten how important sleep is until you don't get much of it! Telling people really helps though, even though you can't know the response from anyone until you have spoken the words. I feel really blessed that a few people know about Sir and i now. This includes a close colleague from work who i told on Monday even before i told hubby, my lunch friend and a new female friend from Fetlife who i haven't met yet but i know i will sometime soon.

There have been many times over the last week when i have thought about the fact that  i could make my life so much easier if i gave up Sir. But i am continually drawn to the knowledge that i really won't be happy that way. i know deep inside me that without my kink i will quickly become the most miserable person on earth. It took me a long time to be brave enough to start on this journey and i am pretty sure i am not ready to give it up yet (if ever). i have written many times about the whole voyage of discovery i have been on this year and how much it has shown me about myself.

i have been clear with hubby that i want to continue to see Sir. He is kind of accepting this (though of course he doesn't like it or want it to happen), and sort of gives his permission. He knows no details and i am keeping it like that. i have arranged to go to Sir's on Sunday and to stay overnight. I am really really happy about this and can't wait.

On the other hand, i know the next few days will be difficult. This isn't what he wants and he isn't about to make my life easy over the next few days. i am however going to focus on two things. Firstly on helping hubby come to terms with what has happened and in trying really hard to be the kind of wife he thinks he wants. Secondly i am thinking about how things will be with Sir (it will have been a month since our last meeting). i am thinking again about my submission and worshiping Him. He is my Master and right now that is what is keeping me going.

Staying at the Crossroads Motel

I was lying in bed over the weekend thinking about this post, and although I didn't really work out what to say, I did come up with the title. Crossroads was a soap series in the 70's which was so cheaply made and acted by such second rate actors it was almost good. It was about the staff at a Motel called ......... well I am sure you can guess.

I chatted to Sir on Friday night and we agreed that as mentioned in my last post, I am at a crossroads. I am now faced with some of the biggest decisions I have ever even had to consider in my life. I am taking things one day at a time.

This is how I arrived here:

On Monday, I went out for lunch with a male friend. He is someone I met on Fetlife, and who I have developed a friendship with. He lives quite close, and he has kindly treated me to lunch 2 or 3 times. I hadn't told hubby about him, hell I hadn't even told Sir. It is a friendship and we chat about all kinds of stuff, kink included. After lunch, when I was back in work, I emailed him to say thanks. He replied to say that I was welcome. The email was innocent enough. I worked late on a report that took up much of  my working week this week. I didn't know I had left my ipod logged into Gmail, and I didn't know hubby would read the email. But I had and he did.

Hubby accused me immediately of having an affair with my friend. I reassured him that it was lunch, but I found it impossible to actually say that I wasn't having an affair at all. Of course that is what I have been doing. So after a night without much sleep, I discussed with Sir what I should do and we agreed that honesty would be a good idea. Right now, his comment "how much worse can telling the truth be" keeps ringing in my head. The answer has of course been much, much worse. I guess though this is nothing I don't deserve.

During the original conversation on Monday, while backed into a corner, I said something very unkind to hubby, essentially telling him that I no longer found him sexually arousing. This of course is the thing that plays in his mind. But actually this is a reality that he has known for a long time and it is really what led me on this course in the first place. That and discovering the submissive and kinky side to me that I now know I crave.

I can't and won't go into details about what happened during this weekend. Some of it will live with me without writing it here and the rest is best forgotten. I know how much hurt I have caused, I know how I have made him feel, I know he is one minute angry, the next devastated, I know he feels guilty as he feels he drove me to this because of his own infidelity some years ago.

I am now faced with three choices as I see it - A) I stay with hubby and I give up Sir, B) I leave hubby and C) I stay with hubby and keep Sir.

At the moment my desire to submit to Sir and lack of desire to walk away from my marriage coupled with a lack of a place to go mean I have asked hubby for option C. He is less than happy,  but says he won't stop me.

I can't and won't talk about the kinky side with hubby. I don't believe he will understand. I am pretty sure any dominance he could display would be transient and actually he may be quite submissive himself.

One thing is for sure, this is one hell of a mess!

Liebster Award

My week hasn't really panned out the way I expected so I am a bit late to the Liebster Award party. Thanks though to Fiona at SirQsmlb who nominated me, I really appreciate it and the kind words she said about my blog in her nomination. Blogging has proved for many of us to be our saving grace, a place to come and express ourselves in a way that is difficult even with our own loved ones. Our blogs are a place to be ourselves. That has certainly been true for me. I will write much much more about the events of this week, but for now I am grateful that I am able to use this award post to be a little more light hearted. So here goes:

The rules of this award:

• When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
• Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
• One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
• One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one’s own blog!
• One pastes the award picture into one’s blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them!) 

Since I am really late and since my brain is not fully functioning, I am not sticking to the rules, instead I am going to give you my random facts and answer Fiona's questions but not nominate anyone else - most people seem to have already participated.

11 Random facts about me (I hope I haven't said these ones before)!

1. My parents are both only children and I have one child myself (I am not an only child though)
2. I left home at 18 to become a nurse. Sadly the lovely old hospital where I trained as a nurse has been knocked down. There are some very sad pictures on facebook to prove it
3. My favourite nursing job was when I looked after patients with rheumatoid arthritis; I was a specialist nurse. The workload overwhelmed me in the end and when I left they replaced me with 2 people!
4. My son spent a year studying in the US and this time last year he was staying with a friend and his family in LA. I am grateful that they made his time there so special (thought I would throw in a Thanksgiving reference)
5. I love food much too much, and am very bad at leaving food when full  - probably caused by my mum making us eat everything on our plates before we could get down from the table!
6. I love to walk and be near the sea. I love that Sir lives near the sea (though there are other reasons I like to be with him)
7. I find the idea of sex outside exhilarating and I haven't been disappointed
8. I am not a great movie buff, I do enjoy a good film, but one of my problems is I have trouble recalling what a film was called or what happened in it quite soon afterwards!
9. I love Christmas day, and still find it difficult to sleep the night before. I love the smell of turkey cooking, I love wrapping presents while listening to Christmas music; I just love it
10. I love to be with people, but I really need my own space. My son is the same.
11. I like playing board games, and miss the times when we used to play games when my son was younger. He was a terrible loser at times. Now they are reserved for Christmas time - another reason to love it!

Now the questions from Fiona:

1.  What's your favourite implement for spanking? - We haven't tried all that many so far, but probably his hand. I am still waiting for that riding crop!

2.  What is your favourite dessert? - I love lemon, probably lemon meringue pie

3.  What's your favourite toy in your arsenal? - Nipple clamps; they just turn me to mush!

4.  What is your favourite sport (whether to play or watch)? - I was never very good at playing sport, but I do like to watch. This year I particularly loved the Olympics especially the athletics. I also liked watching the cycling as it reminds me of Sir.

5.  City life or country life? - Country would be my choice, though by the sea would be even better!

6.  What's your favourite pair of shoes? - My black fuck me heels at present, but my new suede boots are pretty good too; Sir likes both!

7.  Are you with a significant other?  If so, for how long? - yes 28 years

8.  Swallow, spit or pull out?  (either you do or have your partner do) - Pull out, though I will do whatever He wants!

9.  What would your motto be? - Live life to the full!

10.  Most interesting class you ever took in school? - A law module when doing my degree (I was a mature student), it stopped me going to see patients on my day off since I found I wasn't covered by the hospital insurance!

11.  Describe your kink in 11 words or less. - Dominate me, spank me, clamp me, I am yours!

The fonts seem to be all over the place, probably as I copied some of it from Fiona's original post. Still I guess it is the content that is important here! 

Confessions

I am not going to write much about this now, but since I have used this place to talk about some of the great experiences I have had this year, it only seems right to talk about the less good.

This week I have done the hardest thing ever; I have told hubby I am having an affair. I haven't told him about the kind of affair it is, but he knows that this year for the first time in our married life (28 years) I have been unfaithful.

I won't go into details about how it all came about, though I will probably write about it here in a few days as this is essentially my journal and I feel it might be an idea to write down what happened and how I feel.

Hubby is, as might be expected, devastated. He says he suspected something, but I am not sure he really did. He is both angry and as he describes it; broken hearted. I know that I have caused this in the search of my own happiness, and my own feelings about this are very complex. I know what, according to societies expectations of me, I should do. But I really don't want to do that. I don't want to give up on what I have found. I just don't know if I am going to be able to give hubby what he wants too.

If I was on any kind of journey before, I have just reached a cross roads. One which is so over grown it is impossible to see the signposts to tell you which way to go.

I am not looking for advice here, I am just laying out how things are right now.

I have not gone though, I am just working out what to do and what to say.

Just some random thoughts

It's only 2 weeks since i last saw Sir, but it feels so much longer. i was lying in bed last night, alone at that time since hubby was watching TV downstairs, wondering if i am actually back where i was when Sir and i first chatted back in March. Of course, i am not. There is nothing on earth that can take away the great times, the experiences we have had this year. But and it feels like a big BUT, right now, or certainly last night, I don't feel in any way submissive.

Contact between Sir and myself, since that lovely Saturday two weeks ago has been minimal and that contact has been online only and very very superficial and vanilla. There is nothing wrong with this, and when we have chatted it has been very nice, but we have both been tired after long days at work. So there has been no kink discussion, no attempt by him to remind me of my submissiveness or indeed by me to remind him of his dominance. i would be lying if i didn't say that i am really missing it; having found out who i really feel i am this year, i don't want to give it all up.

Yesterday lunchtime i was out shopping, trying to choose something for last nights dinner and also for my own lunch. i heard myself say to the work colleague i was with that i just don't want to have to make a decision here. That just feels indicative of my current general mood, which is that i want someone to take control much more. It was how i found myself attracted to Him in the first place and it was how i embraced submission quite so much. Of course i don't really want someone telling me what i should eat for lunch or buy for dinner, it is much deeper than that. But i really did enjoy the feeling of wearing clothes he had instructed me to wear often without underwear. It helped to focus me and that is probably what i am missing right now.

That and the sex. Whatever else we have done together this year and we have done lots of things in lots of places, with or without the D/s element. One thing we both say is that the sex has been great. After years without much sex at all, much less anything particularly fulfilling, we have had hours and hours and hours of sexual pleasure together. He has given me some amazing orgasms and i have been to levels i barely knew existed. i know this sounds selfish, but i want much much more of that.

i have come to love the fact that when we are together, i am his to use as he wishes. i am his sex toy, his slut, his whore.  i have come to appreciate the pain that goes with this and the effect it has on me. i have come to realise that submitting to him, wearing his collar, kneeling before him is where i want to be. i just don't really know how to get more of what i want.

Photo from Through My Eyes

30 Days of Submission - Day 29

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

If someone had asked me this question this time last year, i would have told them that i embrace neither pain or humiliation. i would not have believed that sexual arousal is linked so closely to submission and that pain from clamped nipples and clit and a good spanking would practically give me an orgasm. i would never have believed i would dress in public like some kind of slut - clothes barely covering my underwear (or lack of it) and stocking tops. My willingness to do these things, to embrace both pain and humiliation isn't something that comes without a significant person to do those things with and for. i am an exhibitionist but i am not about to parade in public for just anyone nor am i going to go up to any man in the street (or on fetlife or some chat room) and ask to be spanked. 

I consider myself very lucky to have found someome special to be humiliated and spanked by. We hit it off from the first time we chatted online and then on the phone and clicked during our first meeting. So much so that we did things together that first night that neither of us can quite believe to this day. i put my trust in him and that trust has grown steadily. The humiliation was present from that first meeting. i walked into a bar wearing a very short skirt, a wrapover top which i wasn't sure would remain wrapped over, stockings and heels. At his instruction i opened my legs for him for the first time in that bar (they have barely been closed in his presence since) and acted the slut picking up a stranger in a bar. It was almost not even fiction. 

The pain came later and grew gradually. i admit to having a love hate relationship with it. Some pain i love and embrace readily, particularly when it involves my nipples. Pain there links directly to my pussy and puts me into an amazing place especially when combined with some firm pressure (for example pinching or clamping) of my clit. Spanking is a different thing. i want it, and when i get it part of me wants it to stop immediately, but the other part (the one where i am getting wetter) wants it to continue. Last time he used a belt on me and that was pretty painful but actually very pleasurable at the same time (especially when you look back at it from a distance of 10 days or so). We have more to explore in this area, more implements to try and luckily there are many bloggers to go to for advice on just what these might be. Lots and lots to look forward to.

As i have said before, we are at a point in the year when meeting will be more difficult, where arranging those meetings will be technically tricky. But writing this and being reminded of my submission and how much i love to submit to Him makes me want to overcome those logistical difficulties and embrace my submission through pain and humiliation soon.

Love Our Lurkers

Since this is my first year of blogging around these parts it is my first Love Our Lurkers day. This is a day dedicated to those people who visit a blog but who rarely, if ever comment on that blog. Most of us began that way, exploring what might be a new area of interest, gaining the knowledge of life experiences from those living this lifestyle. Often they seem like places where the people who comment and get involved are the same people, close friends, a clique even. But once you get the nerve to write your name (which of course doesn't need to be your real one) and a short (or long) message, you find that everyone is very welcoming. The great thing about D/s bloggers is just how friendly they are. Pretty much without fail they give individual replies to those who leave a comment on their blogs. You also find that while people read each others blog and chat like friends, in most cases they don't actually know each other in real life. It is like a coffee shop where people meet for a coffee (maybe cake) and a chat, and then people go off on their way. Observers (lurkers) think they are close friends, but this is actually the only place they know each other from. And that's the way they like it.

I know quite a few of you who visit this place visit reasonably frequently. I actually know who some of my lurkers are as they communicate with me in other ways (email or through fetlife). Everyone is very welcome to leave me a comment, I will welcome you with open arms. Who knows I may even have the coffee on.....

I have to admit that I am not feeling all that engaged with things D/s this week. Sir has been a bit off colour after a minor 'procedure' and I am having work related stuff going on. This has meant the few chats we have had since last Saturday have been pretty ordinary nay vanilla in context and form. Not that this is a bad thing in itself, but it is just that it feels there is little to write here. I am spending time reading the blogs of others, sometimes lurking (of course we all still do it) and sometimes commenting. I often read the blogs of others to get inspiration, particularly at times like this when I don't have any exciting real life events to report and need some ideas to get me going. I get the feeling I am going to need some of those ideas in the coming weeks or else this will be a dull place where people won't even lurk, much less comment.

I do have some good old ordinary vanillaesque (new word people) weekend to look forward to. My college boy son is granting us a visit after 2 months in the world of books and whatever else they get up to. Hubby and I are off out for a night out tomorrow with some good friends and on Sunday I have my folks visiting for a good old fashioned Sunday Roast. None of these things are in any way kinky, but I know I will enjoy them and they will be fun. I can't ask more than that right now.

Day Out - Part 2

i am a very lucky slut in that my Master tolerates my moodiness. So an hour after part 1, i was stripped to my basque, suspenders and heeled boots, lying on my back on a large (and might i say lovely) table. What do you call a large table which sits just a few inches high, like that, in the middle of the living room (coffee, occasional?) He was leaned over me, His cock in my mouth, His fingers caressing my pussy. Already i was putty in His hands, my previous irritations long gone. I took his cock in my mouth, i sucked and licked, i took him as deep as i could and then sucked and licked some more. i think, and things are a little hazy, i asked to cum and was granted that amazing experience. He is good like that. He attends to my needs and i know that in doing so, it turns Him on.

He made us tea (we had both had quite long journey's to meet) and then said we should repair upstairs (He is old fashioned like that). Sensibly, i drank most of my tea before we got that far.

He cuffed me, applied nipple clamps and had me crouch on the bed, legs wide. i was beyond wet. Still in my post orgasmic state i was ready for what was to come next. Not only did He spank me with his hand and the lead to my collar he also from somewhere produced a belt. Now that belt hurt, but pain and i are developing a new kind of relationship. It made me wetter than wet and as he said 'pliable'. Who doesn't want to be pliable for their Master?

i asked him about this last night. To begin with pain didn't feature. He wasn't keen on inflicting it and i wasn't keen on receiving it. But it turns out the two are linked. As i discovered that receiving pain turns me on, he finds that giving me pain turns him on. This is a really good thing and a self fulfilling prophesy!

His tongue licked me. i was almost wild with desire as it flicked around my clit. Then his tongue was replaced with his fingers, pinching me, giving me pain and pleasure at the same time. My clamped nipples tingled and burned, my pussy was beyond wet. His tongue moved to my ass hole, his fingers still on my clit.  i think around that time i asked for and was given another orgasm (as i say it is hazy).

Then at last he said "what is Master going to do now?"
"You are going to fuck my arse Sir"

There is something about anal sex which i cannot fully describe. He is the only man to have ever gone there. It is a kind of forbidden place and it feels just so special. He claims me. i submit. And so it was. He loves that He is the only person to have ever have fucked me there and the feeling is mutual.

This was a day out made in heaven!

Day Out - Part 1

The weather had turned pretty chilly, but she was well wrapped up against the cold wind in her new coat with its faux fur collar. She was also wearing a grey wool jumper, black jeans and boots. As she sat on the train for the first part of her journey, reading  a book on her kindle, she felt comfortable, warm but also a little apprehensive. She was very much looking forward to seeing Him, but at the same time she was anxious that she was meeting Him on a weekend day and that to do this she needed to create an untrue story for the person at home.

Her mood took a further dive as she locked herself in a cubicle in the ladies toilets at the large mainline station. It was too cold to take off her coat, so having removed her boots and jeans, she put on her stockings (attached to the basque she was already wearing under her jumper), put on a short skirt and high heeled boots. Observing herself in the mirror as she washed her hands, she noted that she looked good, but was pretty much the only person not to be wearing either trousers or opaque / woolly tights with their skirt. Most people were wearing flat shoes or boots rather than heels and to be honest she would have preferred that too. Putting those thoughts to one side she headed for the underground.

It was a short journey to the meeting place, just 3 stops on the tube and then they were together. Instead of being happy, pleased to see him, she was grumpy. He said he understood why she felt as she did, but that it would be worth it. She grudgingly admitted that this might be the case.

There was one more train journey to take to their destination. The carriage was almost empty, only 3 or 4 other passengers, perhaps 2 of them sitting reasonably close to them. He sat opposite her, and after a short time, instructed her to open her legs. She did as instructed and he ran his hand up her stocking leg and up to her pussy. He told her she was very wet. For some reason this irritated her. She didn't want to be wet when she was irritated in this way. He just smiled and worked her clit a little.

The first signs of a defrosting of her mood emerged and as he took his hand away and instructed her to touch herself, then as He stroked her some more, she began to actually look forward to what was to come (or cum).

30 Days of Submission - Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticised for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realised you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

In the words of Edith Piaf: je regrette rien. This has been a year of learning about submission and so far i haven't felt let down in any way, shape or form. i am not sure who is going to criticise me and even if they did, i think i am old enough and ugly enough to cope. Since this a non answer to a non question, perhaps i should move on to something else!

i am to go to work in crotchless red knickers tomorrow, in November. i am to make myself cum while at work and tell him about it when i see him on Saturday. On Saturday i am to wear the same crotchless knickers. He thinks that will be a big turn on, having me turn up in knickers that i have already cum in. Of course, since the knickers are crotchless, and barely cover anything they are unlikely to be too dirty even after all that wear. Of course you understand this is not my normal behaviour, i generally change  my underwear daily (when of course i am wearing it). 

i was going to arrive to meet Sir in jeans on Saturday (i need to leave the house and return as i normally would to go shopping with a girlfriend). But of course joolz has quite a big mouth when she gets excited and somewhere during our conversation last night i agreed to arrive to meet him in crotchless red knickers (see above), stockings and suspenders, my newly purchased black suede boots and my new coat (not sure what else will be worn underneath yet, but not much i think. i am thinking that it is a good thing that the train station i arrive at in the capital City has recently been renovated. i am hoping this means that the ladies toilets are suitably clean, tidy and warm! 

Still if a girl wants to be clamped and spanked she needs to make some sacrifices. Who wouldn't dress like a slut, be humiliated and submit to get what she needs. Who could ever regret submission under these circumstances? Not me that's for sure! 

100th Blog post and 30 days of submission Day 27

I have been having one of those weekends where you potter around doing a bit of this and that. Some shopping, some housework, some surfing and some Bond. Yes Bond. On Friday we went to see Skyfall along with dinner out. The film was great and dinner was fine. I won't say anything about the film since people will be going to see it at different times, but I liked it. It was a good start to a pottering kind of weekend.  

Today, we went out to a local out of town shopping kind of place to get the coat I want. I tried it on in one size too small and one size too big. I like the coat but neither sizes were quite right, so I ordered it online once we got home. Now, as I write this, hubby alternates between more Bond (there is a whole Sky channel devoted just to James Bond films) and football (the soccer kind) and his naughty kinky wife has been surfing the internet for suitable photos for her blog post 100. In my defense, I did the ironing first. 

So that's the vanilla, family kind of life out of the way and here is the kinky side. I was thinking that in combining this momentous blog (number 100) with a day of submission, a picture like this would be appropriate.

This is the kind of position Sir likes me in, and this is how he likes me dressed. Many of our fantasies involve me wearing stockings and suspenders with some very high heels under whatever clothes i have on for the scene. Over the time it has taken to post 100 times here, i have come to enjoy this more and more. He has helped to nurture my submission, and to enjoy it. i in turn embrace it more and more.

So to Day 27 of 30 Days of Submission. This is highly appropriate:

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

We have explored many fantasies together. Some have been fulfilled and some are still there to be achieved. I would like to be bound more like this:

I would definitely like to spend more time restrained, perhaps blindfolded and gagged. I would like to explore how the senses can be made to respond when you are unable to see or speak and are restrained. To have Him make me keep my legs open for him, to have Him use me while i am unable to prevent him doing what he wants to me, appeals greatly. 

I definitely would like to explore humiliation some more. I have a love / hate relationship with being made to dress in a provocative way while out in public. To touch and be touched in places where we might be discovered. But I would definitely like to be pushed to do much more of that.

I think what I am saying is there are more extremes of what we have done so far to be explored before I tackle new fantasies. But rest assured there will be more of those to think up too!

Photos from the mind circus 

The Pleasure of Submission

i was just looking thorough my stats while wondering what to write about and how to start, when i noticed that on 3 occasions this week the words 'pleasure of submission' were used to bring people here. At the same time I have been reading a variety of postings by fellow bloggers. About the challenges of maintaining these relationships, about the reality of being a submissive, but also about some of the wonderful and very hot sex that goes with it. i myself am challenged with considering seeing Sir on a day of the week usually reserved for me, for hubby and for family and what that means for me. But of course it is the draw of the pleasure of submission that makes me know that i will make the time, think of a way to make it happen.

Of all of the aspects of this whole TTWD 'thing' it is the submission that has brought me the most pleasure. It is submitting to Him that makes me who i feel i am now in comparison to who i was in say April or May this year. On the outside, in my daily life of course i am no different, no more or less submissive. The only way i am different is how i feel inside. How i feel about me and about the things we do together. i take pleasure in some of the symbols of submission that i go through; as i have said before, i prepare my body, i arrive and kneel, i suck his cock, he puts on my collar. But at that point, often after a long fraught journey along some of the trickier roads in the UK, i struggle to submit my mind to him. i am often not very good at giving him head at that point. For quite a while i thought it was because my mouth may be dry, but even when i have been drinking water during the journey, i struggle. It occurs to me that the real reason is partly because we are a little on the eager side and partly because i am not yet fully in the submissive frame of mind that i need to get into. But during the course of the day / evening / night together, i am able to submit to him more and more, not just in a sexual way but emotionally and with that comes pleasure not just of sexual arousal but of submission.

A few evenings ago we were discussing the things we most like doing together. He told me his favorite position to have me in is on my hands and knees, legs wide apart, bottom in the air, as he considers this my most submissive pose. When i am in this position i am unable to do very much, though can touch myself if he instructs me. He in turn can access any part of me he wishes. He can apply clamps to my nipples or clit, he can push his cock into my mouth, my cunt or my arse, whichever he chooses. For me, i also like that position as when he chooses where to push his cock (usually either of the latter two) i know that i will be penetrated deeply and that i will enjoy the experience. But also i know i will experience the pleasure of submission whether or not i am allowed an orgasm at that time.

So when i worry that this relationship is about sex and lust alone, i remember that even if we didn't eat together, chat together, laugh together and watch films (some of which due to an error of digital recording might finish before they should), there is still the pleasure of submission. For me i think that is what this whole thing is about.

Photo from All Fours

Yes or No

I am rather late to this, having seen it on Aisha, PK, Sin, and Fondles' blog. Decided to give it a go.

There are only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks. 

Taken a picture naked? Yes
Made money illegally? No
Had a one night stand? No
Been in a fist fight? Yes
Slept with your best friend? No
Had sex in a public place? Yes
Ditched work to have sex? Yes
Slept with a member of the same sex? No
Seen someone die? Yes
Ran from the police? No
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? No
Worn your partners unmentionables?No
Fallen asleep at work? Yes
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? No
Been fired? No
Been in a car accident? No
Pole danced or done a striptease? No
Loved someone you shouldn’t? Yes
Sang karaoke?Yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? No
Caught someone having sex? No
Kissed a perfect stranger?Yes
Shaved your partner? No
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No
Played chicken?Yes
Mooned/flashed someone?Yes
Do you sleep naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day?Yes
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day?Yes
Shot a gun? No
Gone outside naked? Yes

Thinking ahead

So far autumn has been pretty ok. A bit on the wet side, but then that has been this year all over, but reasonably mild. By the weekend though we are told we can expect some colder weather, with a bit of wind chill thrown in. i really need a new coat for winter and today, the day before payday, while out getting some lunch, i have seen a new coat i think i might buy for winter. As usual i was considering the usual things - will it be warm enough, the right colour, will it suit me? Today though i was wondering how it will look if i were to wear it with just bra (or perhaps a corset), stockings and suspenders underneath. Along with, perhaps a nice pair of long boots. What on earth has come over me? i may well make my purchase at the weekend, depending on how it looks on.

i think to be realistic it is going to be quite difficult to get together with Sir very frequently over the winter  months. His working hours are longer, the days themselves are shorter (well they are all the same length but daylight will be less), and that journey is no fun in the dark. i am running out of holiday that i can take, plus with changes ahead at work, i will need to be around as much as possible to stand the best possible change of still being in a job by April. Plus with the NHS changes, there will be less and less reason for me to ever have a day, much less a night away from home. i know opportunities will come up, but we have to be realistic.

Maybe we can chat on the phone and skype (not the same but sometimes you have to do these things). But i know this will mean it is difficult to feel quite so submissive as i can when we are together. So i am seeking a bit of advice here, from those of you who do more of this whole long distance stuff, or who have more experience. What can we do to keep things going through the long winter months? i am sure i will get the coat and i am sure i will wear it for him, but opportunities will be far and few between. Your thoughts are very welcome.

30 Days of Submission - Day 26

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

i think that probably i was looking for someone a bit different from the man with whom i live. There are certain aspects of the life i have here that i wouldn't wish to replicate. Plus truth be known, i was a woman of a certain age looking for fun. In my opinion i have been pretty successful. i wanted my dominant to be well dominant. i wanted him to tell, not ask and essentially that is what i get. i wanted him to help me to push the boundaries and that is what i got. 


The interesting thing though is that i didn't set out for an actual relationship, i was just looking for some fun online. But once we had chatted online and we moved onto the phone calls and once during those phone calls i did the things he instructed and loved it, i wanted more. Much more.


i wanted more sex, i wanted to try sex in ways i had never tried before, i wanted to submit. i wanted to dress for him, to parade myself for him, i wanted the humiliation and the excitement. i didn't know i wanted to be restrained, to be spanked, clamped. But i do.


What i also got was a fun, intelligent man. Someone to have a serious conversation with, to watch a film with, to discuss books with, even to visit a museum with! I also got a man who cooks a mean steak and who can be relied on to finish off the pudding i can't and shouldn't eat. 


i have learned not to prejudge what you want, but to expect the unexpected and to enjoy the moment. Hoping for some of those moments soon!

And on a lighter note........

Submissive Guide Blog Hop Challenge 13

This is the second Blog Hop Challenge i have taken part in. Go over to Submissive guide on 25th of the month to see who else has taken up LunaKM's challenge. This month's is as follows:

Do you have a safeword? When was the last time you used it? Are you afraid to say your safeword for fear of appearing weak? What are you indicators that a scene has gone too far and you need to safeword?

I have a safeword. On that first night in the hotel, where i had no safe call organsied, where no one knew where i was or who i was with, Sir gave me a safeword. I can't decide if i was foolish, naive or just trusting of my instincts that night. Others may consider me plain stupid, but though i was nervous in lots of ways i didn't believe myself to be in any kind of mortal danger. On that first night, i played the the safeword over and over in my mind but never came even close to using it. The fact that i could was enough. Since then, once or twice i have said the word in my mind but i have never needed to say it out loud.

The limits i thought i had at the beginning have been stretched and pushed. i never really thought i would be keen on pain of any kind, but it turns out that actually i am. At the time of the pain i might not think i am enjoying it, but my body tells me otherwise. What is more it definitely tells Him. He touches me on my pussy after he has been spanking me with his hand or with say the lead to my collar and he discovers that i am very wet. I didn't know that i would love to have my nipples or clit clamped but i do. I didn't know that i would love anal sex but i do. Thinking of anal, actually it is sometimes quite painful to begin with. I have often i have asked Him to slow down and once or twice to stop. But i have not needed to safeword. This is because of the trust and understanding between us.

i trust Him to keep me safe, to listen to my responses to his touch and actions and in turn i open myself up to him. i know i can safeword, but to be honest, right now i see no time when i am going to need to. i don't fear that using my safeword would make me seem weak, since i don't fear appearing weak to Him. i know i have struck lucky in finding Master as my first (and as far as i see right now only Dominant) but i can trust Him and that is all that i need to worry about right now.

30 Days of Submission - Days 24 and 25

When i started this whole 30 days of submission thing, i had an idea that i would get it all done and dusted in a month. I haven't even come close to doing that, but since i am now up to day 24, i guess i am not doing too badly. Here are today's offerings:

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

As others have said, this question is phrased in an odd way since it is not really clear that specific emotions allow access to submission. Surely it is something that you are or not. Having said that, i do try to get into a good 'mental space' to allow me to give myself completely to my Master. I have spoken before about preparing my body (shaving etc), applying makeup that i might not usually wear (e.g. red lipstick), stockings, heels, sexy underwear. These things help but are not essential since as soon as i am required to kneel or to get on all fours, or if he puts on my collar or starts to spank me, i am there. 

Sir has commented that sometimes i 'get in quite deep', and yes i do slip into what some might identify as subspace (i am no expert on this) and become quite emotional. This makes me feel very submissive and i would at that point do most things. It made a nice change this week when i saw Him, not to actually do that but to in effect keep my emotions (or wits) about me. submission can be emotionally draining and when you are physically tired as i was this week, that is not always what you need. 

Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

The most obvious item would be the collar. When i look at myself in the mirror while i am wearing it i see a submissive woman looking back at me. It is a real object, but also a symbol. i would like to be able  to wear something more of the time that signified to us both that i am his submissive and  maybe that is something we will do in the future. 

We don't have specific rituals, but there are things we do more often than not. kneeling, wearing the collar, sucking his cock. The order in which we do things, the things we do, the way we do them, these are all down to his preference. For once in my life, i don't have to decide. The choices are not mine. I place myself in his hands and i submit. That is the ritual and that's the bit i love so much.

Simple pleasures - with a hint of kink

One of the most satisfying things you can do for your man is to prepare and serve him a meal. Although we have been seeing each other for 6 months and have done many things together, until this week i had never done this. He is usually the one to cook for me because i am the one who often travels to see him, also i do all the cooking at home and He likes to make a point that being with Him is different. On Thursday though, i was able to arrive at his house quite a time before he was arriving home from work and so i offered to cook him dinner.

Traffic was pretty good that evening, so i arrived in pretty good time and headed to the local supermarket for supplies. Then with the lasagna prepared (chosen because it could be prepared in advance and popped into the oven while we got reacquainted) i went upstairs to get myself ready. New seamed stockings - no ladders, heels, some very naughty crotchless panties and my new purchase a cupless bra (not sure if you call it that). I am fascinated to know why it is, that the price of an item of clothing is inversely proportional to the amount of fabric contained within it. However it enabled me to show off my ample bosom nicely. i think he agreed, because he couldn't stop sucking my nipples and touching my tits when he arrived home.

With dinner in the oven, we played out a scene that we had planned - He had arrived to fix a leaking pipe in my bathroom, i was a housewife whose dressing gown did nothing to hide her slutty nature. i perched on the bath, legs open, revealing my pussy to Him. The pipe was already leaking less than me as i became increasingly wet, much to his pleasure when he ran his hand up my stockings and felt my newly shaved pussy. It had only been a week since he had last touched me there, but it already felt like an age. I melted to his touch and my knees wobbled under the strain of those high heels. In no time at all, i was on all fours on the bed. As he pushed his cock into my arse, there was a remote controlled egg buzzing away inside my cunt and attached to my clit was a clamp. i almost came with the overload of sensations alone! We always get off to a quick start when we are together but this pretty much beat the lot!

So, after a very brief rest, we ate dinner, He was suitably complimentary, and watched some TV. It was great to be together, to enjoy the simple pleasures that people enjoy when they are together more of the time. Back up in bed after dinner, things were less intense, more intimate. We were both tired after our day at work and we had a pretty early night because of that. What is more i had to get up and leave early yesterday morning to get to the place i was going with work. We were together for less than 12 hours, but i can tell you it was worth every second of it. I still have a smile on my face!

The girl above is obviously not me, she is too thin and her hair too red, though i once had hair that was quite red. The bra is similar to this in its colour, and the effect on her boobs is similar. Maybe i'll get Him to take a real picture for me next time!

30 Days of Submission - Days 22 and 23

Time to try to bring this series towards its conclusion, so days 22 and 23:

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

I never considered submission before all of this started and i have become more submissive because of it. If the relationship ended, i can't see i would just continue to be submissive as i would need someone to be submissive with or to. Hubby would love me to be submissive to him no doubt (we haven't discussed it) but he would just play on the domestic side of things and i have no desire for that kind of relationship. i already spend enough of my time doing all of the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc etc and i have no desire to extend that further. i guess i would have to work out what to do with my submissive feelings if and when the need arose. Right now though all is well, thank you very much.

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

It is very healthy to question your feelings i think and that is pretty much what i have done here over the last few months. i would like to have the opportunity to express my submission much more, but it is difficult in a longer distance relationship where you don't see each other each day. 

i respect the relationships others, who are in full time relationships with their Dominants, have. i am even envious of way in which the submissives are able to make themselves available at all times to their partner. As mentioned in the previous question, i don't really like the idea of domestic discipline (there is enough domestic drudgery going on here already), particularly in that i wouldn't want rules about what i was meant to do or the standards i should keep. That would never happen if i was with Sir full time anyway since i would be the one introducing some rules (he is playing the bachelor lifestyle to the full if truth be known). i am not keen on the idea of needles or blood (not my own, as being a nurse i have lots of experience of both relating to others), and some of the spanking blogs used to have me cringing slightly. But since i am turning into a bit of a spanking slut, i can't really say that any more. I have learnt over the months that submission is a moving feast of ideas to be embraced. Nothing wrong with that either!

Mind and body

Or maybe it is body and mind, i can't quite decide. On Thursday, while with Sir i had some pretty powerful orgasms. He really is getting to the core of what pretty much blows my mind and it seems he isn't afraid to do so. After 6 months we are beginning to know each other well, to know what each other likes, what is more, given the nature of this relationship He continues to push me to experience more and more sensations. This time there was more spanking, on my bottom and on my pussy. This time i wasn't restrained at all, but was expected to keep my body in the positions He told me to. When i cum i like to straighten my legs, as sensations increase within me, i love the feelings i get if  my legs are straight, i think it is reflexive in nature and i tend to go with that. This time he made me keep my legs apart during orgasm and while this was hard to do when not restrained the results were pretty good. He also did some amazing things to my clit - clamped it, nibbled and bit it which just sent me to another level. Yes it was painful, but it practically send me into orbit. As he said afterwards, i got pretty noisy! He is now convinced that i need my clit pierced; i am not sure i am brave enough to go to get such a thing done, but he has a point.

I don't think i realised, even at the beginning of this quite how powerful just the right amount of pain can be. Over time the level of pain can increase, while at the same time you just get more and more sexually aroused. He loves the fact that i am becoming such a pain slut, that i crave the spankings, the nipple and clit clamping it feels like he is turning me into some kind of sexual slave.

The end result though is that things start playing out in my mind. No doubt he will think i am going over board here, but there were moments on Thursday evening that i would have done anything he asked. Moments when i really truly felt like i was in love. I have said before that while this relationship isn't about love as such, i don't believe you can experience this level of stimulation without deep feelings of love. i am a little nervous of expressing these emotions here, but since this is my blog, and these were my feelings, i will. I am not saying that today in the cold light of day i am expressing the same feelings, but what i am saying is that BDSM relationships involve extreme levels of trust, they lead to levels of emotion that a person may not have experienced before and this can lead to the release some amazing feelings.

It was difficult leaving his house as i did at 7.30am on Friday. i needed sleep and i could have done with being held some more. But it is experiences like this that make the whole thing worthwhile, even if it never feels we have sufficient time together.

So.......

i think that it is true to say that right now my life is much too busy. This may well be short lived, but right now that is what i think. This is the first time i have sat on my own sofa since Wednesday evening, not that i haven't had a good time sitting on other sofas (or a even chaise longue) you understand.

After leaving Sir's on Friday morning, i spent the morning with my work colleagues at a conference (useful and interesting if a little gloomy about the future of our sector of the NHS, but that is another story entirely). i then drove home, collected hubby and some clothes etc, drove to the town when my son is at university and dropped off a ticket to a football match i had purchased for him (i am the softest mum ever) and on to our weekend away at a seaside town. Bearing in mind that Sir lives by the sea, i was grateful that when my parents invited us on this trip it was to entirely different seaside area (this is of course an island so the chance of that is high). I traveled though 7 English Counties that day, but got to see lots of roads, fields, cars and trucks. I had a great weekend, thanks for asking, but this madness makes Thursday night with Sir feel all the more like it took place a long long time ago!

However i will attempt to record some of what occurred here, since that is the purpose of this blog and i am already at least 100 words into this post.

I arrived slightly stressed. He wanted seamed stockings, so i stopped at motorway services to change from the ones i had worn all day, only to find them laddered. I added to this by putting my finger through them again. So i reverted to the pair i had arrived in, only to find that they too were laddered. Then just as i pulled up my boss phoned, and having missed the call i felt i should try to call her back but was unable to get through. Luckily for me He was taking no nonsense from me. I was soon on my knees sucking his cock. Shortly afterwards i was on all fours while he spanked me with the lead to my collar!

We have recently discovered that i respond very well when he slaps my pussy with whatever he happens to be using, to by the time i made it upstairs, i had a sore backside and sore but very wet pussy. He stripped me, except for stockings (he said the ladder was strangely fetching) and heels. Then applied nipple clamps, one of which some how very quickly made its way to my clit! Within about 30 minutes of my arrival he had allowed me to cum 3 times and had released himself within my arse (mind you it was the first time we had seen each other for a month).

Thankfully things slowed down from then on in. I will write more about that tomorrow when i have had some time to think about the whole thing a bit more from the comfort of my own sofa. All i can say is it was beyond fantastic and i am aiming for more of the same very soon. Maybe even this week if Sir can accommodate me!

Maintenance

I read a lot about maintenance, my fellow submissive bloggers discuss frequently how they need to be spanked frequently, or to follow particular rituals so that they can keep on the straight and narrow of submission. It is difficult to follow rituals when you are not living together and when you both lead busy lives, well you can follow rituals, but the other person doesn't know if you have carried them out. Also the Dominant would need to be very attentive, checking in for progress reports. Our relationship definitely isn't like that. Of course you can't receive maintenance spankings if you are not together either, unless you were to spank yourself at His behest, and to be honest that sounds a little on the weird side.

We haven't seen each other for around a month, and during that time i haven't been particularly submissive or slut like. i have been on holiday and while there i wore shorts or trousers every day. Even when i have worn a skirt, i have always worn underwear and not once have i been near a pair of stockings (though if it gets any colder something will need to be applied to my legs). I haven't even shaved my pussy (though other areas have been attended to). I have definitely got very lazy, which means that if He turned up on a white charger out of the blue i would need to rush to the nearest bathroom, quickly followed by my bedroom before i was ready for Him.

I am getting back into the right mindset for tomorrow's meeting. We have chatted over the last few evenings about the things we will do and where in His house these things will take place. We have discussed the punishment i might need (which may be ramped up a little after he reads this) and what form that might take. We have discussed what i will wear and how i will present myself the minute i get inside His front door. In the absence of regular 'maintenance' the ritual we have of talking through all of this stuff acts as a substitute. But probably i need a bit more of this to keep me on the right path, to keep me feeling like the submissive i am for more of the time.

Tomorrow is the day though and i am really looking forward to it. The good thing too is that afterwards i will have something to write about here and we can all be pretty glad about that!

30 Days of Submission - Days 20 and 21

After my holiday and the resulting period of navel gazing reflection what better way to get me back on the submission straight and narrow but the next installments of 30 days of submission? So here goes:

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Over the months since i first began to consider Dominance and submission in any serious kind of way and to practice elements of it, my submission has, as you might expect increased. This is of course part of the learning process i am going through with Sir as my tutor (as it were). But also writing this blog, reading the writings of others (real and fiction) has helped me to think about how i want to be as a submissive. One of the biggest things of course is the trust i need to place in Him when i am submitting to Him. Trust is something that develops over time, and as i increasingly place my trust in Him (whether that is about bondage, about the humiliating situations i submit myself to or whatever), i feel more submissive towards Him. It is almost as if when we are together, and in the middle of a scene, i can release myself completely to Him. I tend to over think, over analyse (who would have thought it?), but for increasing periods of time when we are together i can let all of that stuff go. Maybe that is why i am suddenly so reflective again - i just need to be with Him, submitting. Who knows?

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Any position where i have no or little control over what i can do feels submissive. Kneeling in front of Him, especially when i have just arrived and would prefer to be on my feet holding and being held while we kiss. On all fours on the bed or floor while he pushes his cock into me. Probably the most submissive thing for me though has been anal sex. I was curious before, but never imagined i would actually like it. It is hard to explain why that is, other than that it arouses me more than i could imagine and that, yes, it makes me feel ever more submissive. I love the power it feels that it gives Him. Plus it is something i have never done with anyone else and at present have no desire to do so.