Thoughts and feelings

It seems that my life has become one of twists and turns. I feel like I have set out on a journey without actually knowing the destination. It is like one day, I got up and thought: "do you know what? I have some spare time, so I am going off on a trip and will just see where I end up". For the most part it has been fun, it has certainly been full of discovery and of adventure. But just recently I keep coming to some very hazardous places. Sometimes the road appears to have subsided and I am in danger of disappearing into a deep deep hole. At other times I find I am at a dead end. What is more, even though I thought I had journeyed for miles and miles, I find that actually I am still in sight of the start point and still don't know where my destination is!

It is a year on Monday since I had my first online conversation with my Sir. We clicked almost immediately and I knew I had met someone who I wanted to get to know. We chatted over the next few days online and on the phone and within a couple of weeks we had met in person. When I ask myself if it has been worth it and if I would do this again, I am clear that I would.

Meeting Sir has changed my life for ever. Without him I would never have explored this new world, I probably wouldn't have discovered how fulfilling sex can be or some of the things I now find I love (and sometimes love to hate). Without him I wouldn't have explored a side to myself that I didn't even know I was keeping hidden. Without him I wouldn't have realised that dominance doesn't mean being treated as some kind of door mat. I wouldn't have discovered that submission can be fulfilling and can release you from the pressures of real life.

Actually a year ago, I didn't really know that I was submissive. I can be quite a scary person to people who don't know me well. But actually this year has been one of massive self discovery. When I started this journey, I thought that the submissive things was just about submitting in the bedroom. I thought BDSM was about pain, restraint, humiliation etc etc. We to a certain extent I was right, but I have discovered they are about so, so much more. 

I have made new friends, online and in real life. I have begun to learn to express myself - on here and in life too. I find that I can write about my thoughts and feelings but also I can talk to my Sir about myself and my needs in a way I didn't know possible.

I don't know why it is that I am so inhibited with my husband of 30 years. He is demanding an explanation. But I can't explain something I don't understand. I never intended to hurt him, but I suppose if I had thought about it before I set off a year ago, I would have realised that it was inevitable that I would.

I love to come here and to write about the great things Sir and I do together and I also find it therapeutic  to write about the more difficult aspects of life. For that reason I won't give up this blog.

Part of me thinks that I should make it for invited people only, like some kind of exclusive club. I write mainly for myself anyway so perhaps it doesn't matter if it is open or closed. But I know from experience that it gets complicated to have to people only arriving by invite. I am going to try opening it up when I know that hubby is unlikely to look and keeping it closed the rest of the time. I will see how things go.

I am almost at the stage when I wonder if it matters what he reads about me. In a way, it might help him. Well it would if he read the bits where I describe my feelings rather than the sexy parts. But that is rather too much to hope for since he thinks all of this is about sex!