Thursday, 23 May 2013

Thoughts and feelings - More Questions than answers

It would be true to say that I feel really mixed up right now. On the one hand, I have spent two nights and a lovely whole day with my Sir and had the best time. Just spending time together, chatting about random things, visiting places together has become a way of unwinding. The sex is a good as ever, sometimes kinky and sometimes less so; we like the variety. On the other hand, though, I am questioning my actions and the implications of them. I am also analysing the feelings I have for hubby and those for Sir.

I know that I really am at the crossroads to the rest of my life now. What is more, hubby is at his own crossroads.

I have been married to him for a long time, 29 years next month. It now feels unlikely we will reach 30. The problem (other than the obvious), is that while I care for this man very much, love him even, I don't find him sexually attractive. For months now, we have danced around this. Hubby is intensely jealous of the relationship I have with Sir (stating the obvious again), because I am willing to do things with Sir that I would never consider with hubby. He is of the belief that it is all about size, and while maybe (as they say) size matters, it most definitely isn't even a small amount of the issue.

I am not aroused by the things hubby does to me, I don't know when that stopped but it has. Whereas I am very aroused by the things I do with Sir, whether that is kissing, being touched or more recently sucking him. I was never a fan of doing that with hubby, and it was one of the things I was more nervous of doing for Sir. But now, it is something I love doing for Him.

Hubby never really learnt to touch me in a way I found arousing and for some reason I struggled to show him. With Sir, he explored, I expressed my pleasure and before I knew where I was I was asking to orgasm. Hubby complains that I have not ever told him what I want and what I like. Truth is, I didn't even know what I wanted or liked until the past few months. Quite a confession for a woman of 50.

How then, can we continue a relationship where the attraction is not felt on both sides?

Last night hubby spoke a couple of times about us getting a new spare bed, and him sleeping there when he is home. Unless we sell our house, he can't afford to move out and we aren't yet ready to do this, for lots of reasons. It is hard to face the reality of the impending end of a relationship, particularly one that has gone on for so long.

In hindsight, I should have ended the marriage before I embarked on something new. But hindsight is all well and good. Soon I will have to tell people the reality of what I have done and that will be difficult.

Hubby wonders why I am not seeking to spend much more time with Sir. Perhaps in the future I might, though in truth I am confused about what we have together too. I don't really know where this relationship is going, and actually whether it matters. I don't know how he feels about me, but again does it matter, since he is there for me when I need him and vice versa.

For a woman of mature years I seem to know very little for sure. What seems clear though, is that there are more questions than answers right now.

6 comments:

  1. You would be surprised at how closely parts of your story parallels mine....there will be hurt...and sometimes decisions just require a leap of faith..good luck
    hugs abby

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    1. Thanks abby, it helps to know that my story is not unique. It is so hard to know what to do for the best, but trying to follow my brain as well as my heart!

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  2. ..But you are thinking, considering. It is timing really. The decision is for you, not for your Sir. You may decide to part with hub and it doesn't mean you will do it for Sir. You won;t do it to jump from one man to another, but imagine the freedom to submit when you are free to do so. You are a smart woman and by no means do i think i am saying anything you don't already know. You are right..what does it matter the trajectory of your relationship with Sir, or how he feels? You will do what is rght for you and hub and it seems to me, you already know what that is. Now its just down to the courage of your conviction.

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  3. Hi L, you have me to a tee. Everything that happens now is in my hands and I think that I have come to realise that in the last few weeks.

    I am off to France for a couple of weeks, on my own. For a few days a girlfriend who knows about my marriage problems will be with me, otherwise it is me and friends who are more mine than hubby's but no nothing.

    I am hoping this couple of weeks gives me the courage I need

    Thanks you are a great long distance friend xx

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