This is my blog and I will ramble if I want to

I was short of a title and this is the best I can do.  It is strange that I always tend to give my blog posts, or an essay or report for that matter, a title first. It is a mental thing. In this case I am stuck for a catchy title so this is what I have come up with. It seems a good title though since already I ramble.

Stuff is happening here, has taken something of a turn. Things have become rather unpleasant and if you look down to my last post, we are back in anger territory.

Hubby found some sent emails early yesterday morning. I know I was careless, first I hadn't deleted them, second they were easily found on the iPod (which I had forgotten was logged into email since I haven't touched the thing in weeks), at 4 am. He is an insomniac who thought he would like to listen to music at 4 am, and pressed the wrong button (apparently).

He found a trail of sent emails mostly to Sir. In the most recent I had confirmed I would see Sir on Friday. This was a problem since I hadn't yet told hubby. Worse in his ever suspicious eyes was an email from a couple of weeks ago about the conversation I had had with someone about a possible mmff encounter (by the way if you type mmff into an iPad, it trys to convert it to the word to muffin). All that has happened is discussion, no firm plans have been made and I am not sure yet what if anything we might do together, if we ever met. I have been texting the female sub of the relationship and getting to know her and him. Of course if you read this as a sent email with no reply (there probably never was one as Sir doesn't always reply and is often direct and to the point if he does), then you might imagine it had already taken place. He also took offence to the fact that after my name were a couple (or 3 kisses). I tend to put kisses on an email to friends (male and female), but I guess that doesn't matter.

Lets just say that this information has sent us into a massive downward spiral and I have just endured more than 24 hours of questioning, accusations and general unpleasantness (not including the time we were  either at work or briefly sleeping).

I have now been told I am being groomed! I have been informed that buying things from a sex shop must not happen using the joint account I solely use (perhaps he should look at the transactions within his own bank statement more closely since yesterday he was so over drawn he was unable to withdraw money and I gave him some). I have been told that I am a lyer and cannot be trusted, (I guess I am guilty as charged on these). I have been cross examined about the contents of the bag I use for work, I have had things i apparently said in November or December recited back at me. I have been told I have ruined his sex drive and made him impotent.

I wonder now where we go from this.

I offered to give up seeing Sir. I am getting close to the end of my tether, but am apparently not entitled to be upset or distressed. Hubby tells me to carry on since he won't be here at the weekend and he can't do anything to fulfill me.

Anger is an understatement and I know I am to blame.

He desperately needs to talk to someone, but refuses since it would mean losing face. Admitting his wife is seeing someone else and he has not stopped it. So he takes that anger out on me.

But actually this is about a deeper problem with this marriage. One which existed long before I ever chatted to Sir or indeed met Him.

I feel deeply sorry for my husband of over 28 years. I have cared for him deeply through thick and thin. I have loved and fought for him. I have supported and stood up for him. I took on thousands of pounds of debt for us both, destroying my own credit rating so that his could be maintained. I spent much of our early married life including the early years of my sons life while he persued his own early mid life crisis. I have put up with a lot. Of course I have also done a great wrong.

But right now I really don't like him. I no longer know if I love him.

I really don't know where to go from here.

This is my blog and I am rambling and writing here helps.

I have opened a new bank account in my own name.My credit rating is on the mend and I have paid most of the debt (myself through the joint account). I didn't tell him about the new account and left the paperwork lying around. I am careless and stupid. But I think I was right, I need to start to think about me and not us. I have to protect me.

I have risked everything and feel right now that I have lost lots. My son is finishing his degree (dissertation due next week, followed by 3 essays and end of year exams), and will graduate this summer. I can't tell anyone in the family until I tell him, but I can't tell his yet. Luckily he will not be home till Easter.

I am a month from redundancy and I am starting to feel scared about getting a job, even though I am already getting potential offers of work.

There is one really good thing in my life and I know I will see Him tomorrow. There seems little point in giving that up right now. What is more I really need Him!