There are going to be 3 distinct phases to this weekend. The first which has already started is to do with preparation and about coping with hubby's feelings about it all. The second will be the time with Sir and the third will be after, characterised by a major psychological come down and also whatever hubby's reaction is.
It is around a month since i was last with Sir, so there has been plenty of time to think ahead to 'next time'. After a visit i spend a week or so longing to be back with Him, a week to 10 days settling back into my normal life and then the rest of the time thinking ahead again. For hubby this final phase of the thinking ahead is very painful. Last night he told me more of these feelings; of humiliation, anger, fear.
i felt and feel terrible that i have inflicted these feelings on someone who i actually do love and care about. This has led me to wonder if it is really worth it? Hubby focuses on the sex in his mind, he constantly thinks about the fact that i will be having sex with another man, and that i will find it more fulfilling that the sex i have with him. i can't deny this to be the truth, but actually i would be happy to focus on hubby when we are together if he wasn't quite so fixated on Sir. We discussed whether i should go, and hubby told me he thought i should. i on the other hand lay, after we had finished talking, thinking about the whole thing.
It isn't just that the arrangements are made and the train tickets bought, that i feel that i am compelled to go to Sir. It isn't just that i know He can fulfil my needs. i have come to value my trips to Sir to escape the life i currently live, to gain a few days of respite. i believe hubby and i have crossed a line whereby it no longer matters if i go or not, the damage from his point of view is done. He will continue to say what he says, he will continue to be hurt for the foreseeable future and he will continue to go away to visit his own friends. It emerged last night that he appears to have someone on the scene himself, though not for sex. i need him to be happy, and fulfilled in life, not for my benefit, but for his. i told him last night that in my opinion the problems lie with me, and not with him. He is unable to make me feel as i want to feel, and we both know this to be true.
So i will go, i will get my space, i will submit to my Master, i will be fulfilled and will i hope fulfil His needs. Then i will return and pick up the pieces of my marriage, again.
i don't take this lightly, but at the moment i am compelled to carry on, because right now it seems to be worth it.