Thursday, 13 March 2014


The happiness I have been feeling for the past few weeks will not last. The reality is that for both of us, what we have is a gap filler. For me, it hopefully helps me finally end the relationship I have been in for all these years but which if I let it would slowly destroy me. For him it is until he is with the person he loves.

These may be things we choose to forget when we are playing, when we are walking hand in hand, eating a meal or when he is owning part of my body. I have willingly given that body to him, but it is not a forever thing.

The question for me is, how do I make sure that I don't get myself hurt too badly?  I need this relationship with him, and I think he does with me. We are good together and we make each other happy.

But I am anxious. I am wary and I am a little bit scared.

I need something that he won't be able to give me, though for now that probably doesn't matter. It does worry me however that after this is over, I will have to pick myself up again and move on.

Dramatic, self centred, selfish? Yes. But since I have started to think about me, that is how I am.

I have realised that where I felt I could manage this thing on my own, I now realise I probably need some outside help to manage my feelings and my anxieties about the future.


  1. Joolz, I do wish I could help. I had this thought process for so long. At times it creeps up. I'm going to say that at some point it will all click. You will get to a point with Graeme that you know He cares and not going anywhere that the anxiety will subside. Yes, the future has different roads. You have no expectations, so just enjoy the road you are on Now. Let it help guide you to bring a person who can enjoy now, learn more about yourself now, so that when the future occurs and the road turns a corner, you are ready, strong, and don't regret taking all you were allowed to take.

    I've allowed myself to address my feelings. It has made things easier. The anxiety has subside. He is my foundation to a stronger future. No matter what lies ahead. Hugs.

  2. Interesting what you would call selfish, I would call self-preservation. I think it's amazing that you are working on being self aware and finding ways to make it through a very traumatic time. Take care and be wise and have fun when it's possible.


  3. Thanks both of you. This post was in response to something that happened - a conversation (all be it intense) that led me to realise somethings about myself. I need to sort some things out close to home, but rather than being in a position to deal with them I need help. I thought I was pretty well sorted emotionally, but actually my emotional state is quite fragile. I am afraid now of being abandoned in the way that I was last summer. The effect of that time with S, runs deep within me. Plus this relationship is complicated by Graeme's relationship with someone else. She and I are in contact.

    A lack of communication, of discussing problems are part of my old life. That is not part of this one. As Fiona says a traumatic time lies ahead of me, and I need to trust Graeme and others close to me to help me through.