Hubby has been away. He has been out of the country, away to a sunny place, with a male friend. He went, he said to think, to clear his head and to decide. He has been away now for 11 days and has been in contact through texts twice. In the most recent one on Friday, he still seemed as angry as when he left.
I have been busy, both in terms of spending time with Sir, but also in doing other things - catching up with friends, going out and about, taking my son back to college and doing some de-cluttering. I have tried not to spend time thinking deeply about him and about what will happen next. Indeed whole days have gone by when I haven't really considered him at all. Yesterday I went on my second meet up event, this time to the Victoria and Albert Museum in London for a cultural treasure hunt. I was in a team of 4 other women, all, I think in their 30's. We had a great time, got on well together and won! We celebrated with a lovely Lebanese meal, before some of the others went on to a night out and I came home. Through these groups I am learning to explore life outside of the relationship I have with hubby, outside of family and current friends and outside of the safety net of 30 years. I am finding it interesting and enjoyable.
There are times when I sit here and feel that I have been unfair on Hubby, after all for years he did nothing that was particularly wrong and I have repaid him by having an affair. Not only have I had sex with another man, the sex has been kinky and I have told him I will not give it up. But this marriage has been something of a sham for years. OK so we have looked happy and for a lot of the time we have been reasonably so. But scratch the surface of our relationship and you would have found uneasiness, often unhappiness and frustration (mainly on my part). I have discovered that a breach of trust committed 20 years ago and brushed under the carper cannot be forgiven as easily as I thought.
This 11 days has shown me that I can go it alone. I can manage by myself and not only survive but laugh and love, and I can be happy.
I know there is a lot of heartache to come, but even if he is no clearer about what he wants, I think I am.
Last night on the train coming home, I remembered something that I had said to a friend very soon after I was married. Something that should have warned me. I told her that I had been in love with getting married, in love with the day, but that now, here I was married, I didn't know if I was really in love with my husband. And, though I fought hard for him when I thought I might lose him to another woman 20 years about, I wonder if I ever truly was.