I have so much to write about, the posts and the experiences that have gone with it are mixed up in my head. Over the coming days I will separate them out and have a steady stream of things to write about. Today though I am going to reflect a little on the past month.
4 weeks ago yesterday I met Graeme in a local pub and while there was a spark between us, I could never have quite imagined that the connection between up would be quite as it so obviously is. The relationship we have begun to form seems to be pushing me towards making some significant changes to my life. He isn't making me do anything, but somehow his influence, his support is helping me do what I need to.
Throughout my relationship with S, I knew I wanted to submit. It was a journey I embarked on with relish as I took on board the new experiences. Ok, so things changed midway but still I submitted to him in the bedroom in the way he wanted and in the way I learnt to do. BUT each relationship is different and this one, while there are elements that are similar, in many many ways is very very different. I feel like a different submissive with Graeme.
The biggest thing for me right now is exploring the two parts of myself. That is Julie - she is a professional woman, holding down a demanding job, a job which involves negotiating with and influencing others, giving advice and making decisions without reference to others. She is also someone with a husband who is having difficulty in recognising when a relationship is over, she has a propensity to slip between being over powering in the way she deals with their still joined up life to down right submissive when it comes to dealing with him as a person. She has a son who needs advice and guidance and she has parents who are not in the best of health and who need a growing level of support. She has siblings who don't always pull their weight. She has some great friends but sometimes takes the weight of their lives on her shoulders for no good reason. Julie likes to solve problems, she has a tendency to get stressed and overwhelmed by life.
Then there is joolz - she has been created by Julie to help her explore submission. Or has she? That was my feeling at the beginning of this, when I created my blog, my fetlife and other names. joolz is a sexual submissive that is definitely clear. joolz likes to please but not in the way she pleases as Julie. She wants to give up power and control to another, she longs for a master to submit to and knows that as part of that she will discover the sexual fulfilment that she has been denied for so much of her adult life.
what I have learnt over the past month is that what I knew of joolz is only the tip of the iceberg. The voyage of discovery is so far from complete and that at times I feel I know nothing about who I (in whatever guise) am.
joolz is finding that when she is being herself she has no trouble thinking and speaking in the third person. She has no trouble giving herself completely and in being controlled, indeed she has no desire to control anyone or anything else. She knows what her role is and she gets more pleasure than she could have imagined from giving pleasure to the man who is becoming her Master.
The big question for joolz / Julie is just how much does she want / need to be which person, and indeed, could she be joolz full time, but let Julie sweep in and out when the situation arose without anyone on the outside actually noticing.
Deep down Julie would like this to be the case, since then she will be completely fulfilled.
The main thing is that I am so so much happier than I was a month ago and that Graeme has had a large part to play in this. I can't say more thank that!
Apparently March is a month for asking questions here in blog land. I know that sometimes I don't give my readers the level of detail they may seek so why not let me know what is on your mind and ask that question. Since Graeme has pretty much read every post on this blog now, I am sure he will be happy to help me answer!