Friday, 25 April 2014


For all of my working life I have often been surprised about my ability to retain information and to organise myself. Give me a while in a job and I can give the impression of being an expert - I like to read around the topic, I listen and observe. I was recruited to my current job because I really do have an expertise and despite a while away from this field I was able to impress at interview. I like to write lists, but generally they are not required - I come back to them later and tick everything off as I have already done them. I tend to know where things are, I can picture in my head where I last saw them. I have an electronic diary, but I don't need to look in it, as I know what I am doing.

The trouble is that at the moment, while I am still able to speak with knowledge and authority on my subject (I haven't forgotten it just yet), I am forgetting other important things. Forgetting to do things, despite writing them down (perhaps I should look at that list), getting muddled with what is and isn't in my diary and this week I missed a deadline. On Wednesday I attended a meeting I had wrongly turned up to on the previous day (confused that it was not in my diary for Tuesday I actually added it in!) Later that day, I disbelieved the time of a meeting in my diary and was subsequently 20 minutes late. Later still I spent 45 minutes looking for some papers which later turned up at home (even when I was looking I had a hunch that I might know where they were).

I am getting stressed with my sudden lack of organisational skills, this is so not like me. I am also getting anxious when I can't contact him, or I try to and for whatever reason he doesn't respond. I hate this to happen and feel that I should get on with being at work as I always have and not seek contact at all.

Sir is getting worried about me and I really don't like to do that.  He worries all of this is in some way linked to me giving up control in other ways.  Perhaps that could partly be true. But also I think it might be linked to the menopause which appears to be gathering momentum.

After 8 months without a period, during which time I had a reasonable number of hot flushes which were irritating. Things settled and for 2 months it was like I was back to normal. But this last month, no period and constant hot flushes and night sweats. Plus my mood is distinctly hormonal - up and down like a yo yo.

While I am loving the opportunity to give up control in many areas of my personal life with Sir. I do not need to give up control at work, and I do not need the stress that goes with it.  Whatever the cause I need to find better ways of managing these feelings. Better ways of coping.

Sir is going to be away for a few weeks soon and will be on a different time zone. He will have other priorities and I don't want to cause him stress. I also don't want to cause myself this level of stress. I need to sort myself out.


  1. Sympathies. I'm sensing the same changes in my own body - very erratic and I do feel emotionally all over the place and disorganised with many things in my life. I used to be decisive, now I waver more and more about things.
    I rely on lists and diaries far more than I used to, then I have to remember to look at said lists and diaries! I've missed appointments and forgotten to do time related jobs. I don't think this is unusual as we age, it is just something to adapt to and deal with, along with everything else.

  2. Joolz, it is stress! You have so much going on right now. It is bound to happen. I have periods of disorganization, and when I realize it the first thing I think is maybe giving too much control is causing it.

    I've learned that I need to give up the control and learn knew organization skills because the stress of it all really makes it worse.

    The anxiety feeling, I understand. Communicate. Tell Him that even if it is a simple picture that He took, a few words here and there, and if you feel yourself getting a little overwhelmed simply state "this girl really could use hearing from you". Is a way to let Him know that you are doing okay yet a little doubt is occurring.

    You will get through all of this. The home life is what is causing the stress, not the stress relief of being able to be who you are.


  3. There are a lot of adjustments happening in your life and being 'in the middle' of change is not easy, especially for someone who has obviously been able to be productive on a daily level. Menopause is another change and it takes the body a while to adjust. I found myself suddenly unable to eat foods with gluten, dairy, or fructose which was challenging until I got it sorted. But, I wouldn't be surprised if 'obsession' is also to blame. I've experienced this state, seduced by the feelings that surrender/submission engenders and it can make me come unglued. I have to force myself to concentrate on the work I have to do. Be kind to yourself. I used to get flustered about my little mistakes. Now I recognize that we all make mistakes, sometimes can't keep all the balls in the air at once. If you don't get flustered about being flustered it does help. Remember to breathe. My best.

  4. This will be an unwelcomed response....patches dear friend, patches.
    Try not to sweat it (pardon the pun).
    I went through a surgical menopause at a too young age. Lists and google become your greatest friends but the annoyance of memory loss is something that stil haunts me. Embracing this time..acceptance helps.

  5. I think you are all right - this isn't one thing. It probably has something to do with all of the things going on in my life - marriage, relationship with Sir, submissiveness and the wonderful feelings I experience with that, menopause. Yes, little I have been thinking I need patches and will probably see my doctor soon. It also has to do with coming to terms with identifying myself in a new way. Lastly it is to do with the knowledge Sir is going away for a few weeks soon and all that means to our relationship, actually and potentially. Thanks everyone for your thoughts they are most appreciated.

    1. If you need someone to talk to while He is away, reach out to me. Master, in the last two months has spent maybe ten days home. And there is no end site on when the project will allow him to spend more time at home than on the road. It makes things tough, but fortunately Mickey has been there to hear me vent and remind me what I can't see at the moment. I'll be happy to do the same for you. Hugs.

  6. Thanks that is great to know, i may just take you up on that. Hugs back.