Last weekend i did something i didn't think i would be able to. i took a man who is not my husband into my marital bed. What is more, i managed to not only have sex there but to sleep too.
For me, just having Graeme in the house, given when no one else was home, felt like something very big indeed.
As i move towards the end of my marriage i am trying to be clear to us both that i mean as i say. Sleeping with another man in my own room feels to me like some kind of defining moment on that journey.
Hubby and i still share when he is home (only one night this week), but there is no physical contact. i know (enough people have advised me) that i need to sort out the spare room and move his things in there. He has even offered to go. It is probably one of the next things that i will make happen.
Sleeping with Graeme is a lovely experience. He likes to touch during the night, to cuddle, spoon together. So far we have woken early, partly due to the excitement we both feel about this new relationship. But we have tend to lay in bed together, kissing, stroking and of course joined in some way later than i normally would. As someone who is generally lacking sleep and rest this is probably one of the best things for my physical and emotional well being. It is not getting my housework done to my satisfaction, but then you have to prioritise.
This Friday there will be another opportunity and i take it with relish. A big step, but a necessary one.