It would be true to say that until the past week this girl's experience of submission and how it can affect a person has been limited.
This statement is made with a little more knowledge than this girl previously had. It is made with the experience of spending six nights and at least part of seven days with Graeme, who will hence forth be known as Sir (or Sir G, or even Sir Graeme if this girl is feeling it more appropriate on a given day).
The learning curve of the past two months has been pretty steep, but it is safe to say that this girl has learnt a hell of a lot about her submission and how it makes her feel over the past week. This girl thinks that Sir had intended to mix up the submission with some bondage, masochism and whatever else He felt like. But cool weather along with discovering that this girl could be enabled to explore her submission without the aid of toys meant that they didn't come out of the suitcase (no matter how much this girl tried to persuade Him!)
Of course He was right. One thing at a time here.
The key thing this week was this girls journey into subspace and the opportunity to safely stay in a floaty place for hours and perhaps even days (when she looks back).
The difference between Julie, the career woman, mother, daughter and estranged wife and joolz the submissive was greater than it has ever been. Ever!
joolz, who needs to refer to herself as not just 'girl', but 'this girl' or 'this one' (she prefers this girl) discovered that she really likes the place that Sir helped her reach. she found that He will look after her while she is there, ensure she is safe and he will take her to the places they want or need to visit. He will make sure they are appropriately fed and that since they were in France that they have beer, wine (and water or coffee and appropriate). this girl discovered that she can do the same things she ever did on holiday but without the need to take control at all. Save the fact that this girl in a submissive place speaks somewhat less and is more relaxed, no one who knew her would even know. But and this is a big but, this girl knows and Sir definitely knows. What is more, this girl likes to be in that place and Sir enjoys her being there.
The more this girl finds her submission, the more Sir finds his dominance and in turn this girl relaxes more into her submission. And so it goes on.
Along with the submission is sexual desire, of a kind that this girl has not really known before. Suffice to say This Man turns her on very very much. this girl finds the submission erotic and so does He.
This girl will need to discuss the orgasm situation next...........
Monday, 31 March 2014
Sunday, 23 March 2014
Sir and girl
So it is that when she is in the right place, when she is joolz, it has become second nature to not only refer to herself as girl but to think it too. This is what He calls her and, even though she is far from being a girl, if he views her in that way, that is what she is. Increasingly she can move herself from being Julie and slip into girl mode. Indeed increasingly she doesn't want to be the person she was at all (with the exception of being at work and being mother or daughter). This feels like a big change over the past 7 weeks or so.
Finding your place in the world of submission is pretty easy when you are involved in a scene, when you are in bed together, or even just face to face. Finding that place when you are faced with a range of problems that life is trying to throw at you is something else. What girl is trying to do though is to take a more measured approach, to be mindful of what who she is and where she wants to be on this journey (ok so she failed the other day when faced with a stressor which sent her into a weird place).
The next thing is about what to call the Man she is submitting to. The Man who she has given great parts of herself to. The Man who on here she is calling Graeme (since that is His name). Again, in the midst of whatever you are doing together it is simple to refer to Him in the way He would like, as Sir. It comes naturally to her. Getting to the point where she feels ready to call Him Sir all of the time is something else.
However, girl is feeling more and more that she is ready and that it is just a matter of time before she things about him and refers to Him at all times as Sir.
This to girl is about trust and about acceptance. Giving up her body to Him seemed somehow easier than essentially giving up something deeper. Thinking about Him as her Dominant, her Sir outside of the bedroom (as it were) is a big thing. Something quite new for this particular girl. It is about the whole of her submission, it is about giving it all to Him for His safekeeping.
That trust is there though and so is the emotional attachment that seems to be necessary.
Sir and girl are off on a short trip together over the next few days and girl is pretty sure that by the time they return there will be no doubt in her mind about her place and her ability to recognise His.
joolz will return to this place next weekend.
Photo from submissive to Sir
Friday, 21 March 2014
Coping with new feelings
As i try to navigate my way through the endings i need to make happen, i am finding that i am experiences feelings within myself that feel completely alien. My mood seems to swing from feeling pretty happy, able to concentrate with what i am doing and to be productive. In effect to be my usual self.
But right now, there seems to be the ability for my mood to swing within just minutes and for me to feel alone, unhappy even despondent. When that happens i just want to crawl into a corner, sit down and cry. Also when that happens i feel i need to seek reassurance and if i perceive i don't get it, then i just sink further and further into that sense of despair.
Then later, probably after whatever actual or perceived stress has passed, i begin to feel more like my usual self. However each time it happens i feel a little less sure of who i really am.
All this happened yesterday. I went to work feeling pretty happy, had a productive morning, ticked a number of things off of my 'to do' list and generally felt good. At the back of my mind all morning was that i had agreed to visit my in laws during the evening, much against my better judgement. They don't know that hubby and i will separate and so far he hasn't told them. This is still the case.
I was preparing to leave for a meeting and simultaneously answer a flurry of emails, when i began to interact with Graeme. He was distracted as busy elsewhere, i was distracted as trying to sort things before leaving, when suddenly i began to feel my emotional state drop through the floor. i don't know why this happened, or exactly how. i know that some how his responses were different from those i wanted, but then i was kind of distracted anyway. i am not even sure that the interaction and what was going on in my head were even linked.
I went to the meeting, some how functioned as normal in it, all the time feeling my levels of anxiety rise.
On the way to the station, he and i spoke on the phone, and while i explained a little, i found myself almost unable to speak. i think we both knew what was wrong with me, but since i knew i would do through with seeing the inlaws as did he, there was little really to be said.
By the time i got home, i felt i should tell Graeme that i was too needy, and that maybe he would be better off if he and i should see each other. Even when i knew i was being irrational, so the feelings grew within me.
The visit was odd. i have the feeling they know something as conversation was more stilted and limited than usual. i felt like i was almost suspended above myself, watching what was happening. But as the visit drew to a close, and they asked me to set up their new tablet computer, which i did for them. i began to feel normal again. By the time i got home and soon after went to bed i was able to sleep. Waking this morning, i am puzzled by what happened to me, still struggling with these unusual feelings flying in and out. Plus i am frightened about what on earth is going on within me and how i can best manage this in the future.
Before i controlled everything that happened in my life. Now i almost feel out of control. i know i need to find a middle ground, but in the middle of that is my desire to submit and to give up control. In the midst of some kind of stressor it feels like my whole self goes into a crisis and it is very very odd.
But right now, there seems to be the ability for my mood to swing within just minutes and for me to feel alone, unhappy even despondent. When that happens i just want to crawl into a corner, sit down and cry. Also when that happens i feel i need to seek reassurance and if i perceive i don't get it, then i just sink further and further into that sense of despair.
Then later, probably after whatever actual or perceived stress has passed, i begin to feel more like my usual self. However each time it happens i feel a little less sure of who i really am.
All this happened yesterday. I went to work feeling pretty happy, had a productive morning, ticked a number of things off of my 'to do' list and generally felt good. At the back of my mind all morning was that i had agreed to visit my in laws during the evening, much against my better judgement. They don't know that hubby and i will separate and so far he hasn't told them. This is still the case.
I was preparing to leave for a meeting and simultaneously answer a flurry of emails, when i began to interact with Graeme. He was distracted as busy elsewhere, i was distracted as trying to sort things before leaving, when suddenly i began to feel my emotional state drop through the floor. i don't know why this happened, or exactly how. i know that some how his responses were different from those i wanted, but then i was kind of distracted anyway. i am not even sure that the interaction and what was going on in my head were even linked.
I went to the meeting, some how functioned as normal in it, all the time feeling my levels of anxiety rise.
On the way to the station, he and i spoke on the phone, and while i explained a little, i found myself almost unable to speak. i think we both knew what was wrong with me, but since i knew i would do through with seeing the inlaws as did he, there was little really to be said.
By the time i got home, i felt i should tell Graeme that i was too needy, and that maybe he would be better off if he and i should see each other. Even when i knew i was being irrational, so the feelings grew within me.
The visit was odd. i have the feeling they know something as conversation was more stilted and limited than usual. i felt like i was almost suspended above myself, watching what was happening. But as the visit drew to a close, and they asked me to set up their new tablet computer, which i did for them. i began to feel normal again. By the time i got home and soon after went to bed i was able to sleep. Waking this morning, i am puzzled by what happened to me, still struggling with these unusual feelings flying in and out. Plus i am frightened about what on earth is going on within me and how i can best manage this in the future.
Before i controlled everything that happened in my life. Now i almost feel out of control. i know i need to find a middle ground, but in the middle of that is my desire to submit and to give up control. In the midst of some kind of stressor it feels like my whole self goes into a crisis and it is very very odd.
Wednesday, 19 March 2014
Then and now
It has only been 6 weeks since Graeme and i got together, but already i know that the submissive i was with S is a pole apart from the one i am right now. Even taking account of the last few months when submission wasn't much more than a bedroom game, this feels much more serious.
During that first year, everyone in blogland was writing their 30 days of submission. i did too, it gave me a way of posting regularly, even when there wasn't so much to say, but it also helped me think about the kind of submissive i was and what it meant to me. Reading back i can see that i had so much to learn, but also that i was just brushing the surface of me and my submissive self.
At that time submission was symbolic. It was about me kneeling when i arrived at his house, about the collar he put on me and it was about the way in which he took my body. It was less about the deep desire within me to be owned and possessed by another. It was definitely not about feeling that deep connection. That doesn't make what i wrote wrong, it wasn't that i didn't know what i felt, or that i didn't feel i was submitting to S but it is useful for me to recognise how differently i feel today.
A few weeks ago, i talked about Graeme's request that i speak in the second person when submitting. At the time it seemed quite a task, indeed almost impossible. It turns out that not only is it pretty easy once you get your head around it, but that actually doing so helps me get my head into the right place. Even during times of stress, even when i am at work. Dare i say i have even begun to think about myself as she, or girl or even slut in my own thoughts and i am also thinking of Him as Sir and even saying it.
This time calling someone Sir has a different meaning. To do so means i acknowledge His Dominance and my submission. Not just in a symbolic way.
To give yourself totally to another, involves an immense amount of trust. The act of submission during sex is less difficult for me than at other times. During sex, i can just let my self go and let the slut inside me symbolic way.
To begin with it was when we were doing ordinary things together that i found it hard to continue to be submissive. Seeking to take control of situations when there was no need. Increasingly not only don't i need to do this but actually i don't want to. So much so that sometimes choosing things off a menu for myself seems too much bother. Last weekend we went off to a museum in London, he said it was a surprise so he wouldn't tell me where we were going. This involved both train and bus journeys and then a short walk. In the past i would have been beside myself at the prospect of firstly not having a say in what we were doing, but also in not really knowing where we were off to or how we would arrive. Trusting another person to take you on an outing seems pretty straight forward, but what if you have always been the one who organised everything? Of course S took me places and i wasn't always so sure of how i would arrive since he knew the area and i didn't, but i always had some sense of control, which i tended to retain. Now, i feel ready to give that kind of thing up.
Making decisions about my life and how i live it has always been a major thing for me. Pretty much without exception that is what i do. But what if i didn't always do that? What if i didn't always know best what was good for me and gave some of that over to another, how would that feel? Would i be worried or frightened, or actually would i feel liberated. Since i have often worried before making decisions and then agonised over whether they were right for me, maybe it wouldn't be quite so difficult.
Only time will tell. All i do know is that then was then and now is now, and something in me has changed. And for the better.
During that first year, everyone in blogland was writing their 30 days of submission. i did too, it gave me a way of posting regularly, even when there wasn't so much to say, but it also helped me think about the kind of submissive i was and what it meant to me. Reading back i can see that i had so much to learn, but also that i was just brushing the surface of me and my submissive self.
At that time submission was symbolic. It was about me kneeling when i arrived at his house, about the collar he put on me and it was about the way in which he took my body. It was less about the deep desire within me to be owned and possessed by another. It was definitely not about feeling that deep connection. That doesn't make what i wrote wrong, it wasn't that i didn't know what i felt, or that i didn't feel i was submitting to S but it is useful for me to recognise how differently i feel today.
A few weeks ago, i talked about Graeme's request that i speak in the second person when submitting. At the time it seemed quite a task, indeed almost impossible. It turns out that not only is it pretty easy once you get your head around it, but that actually doing so helps me get my head into the right place. Even during times of stress, even when i am at work. Dare i say i have even begun to think about myself as she, or girl or even slut in my own thoughts and i am also thinking of Him as Sir and even saying it.
This time calling someone Sir has a different meaning. To do so means i acknowledge His Dominance and my submission. Not just in a symbolic way.
To give yourself totally to another, involves an immense amount of trust. The act of submission during sex is less difficult for me than at other times. During sex, i can just let my self go and let the slut inside me symbolic way.
To begin with it was when we were doing ordinary things together that i found it hard to continue to be submissive. Seeking to take control of situations when there was no need. Increasingly not only don't i need to do this but actually i don't want to. So much so that sometimes choosing things off a menu for myself seems too much bother. Last weekend we went off to a museum in London, he said it was a surprise so he wouldn't tell me where we were going. This involved both train and bus journeys and then a short walk. In the past i would have been beside myself at the prospect of firstly not having a say in what we were doing, but also in not really knowing where we were off to or how we would arrive. Trusting another person to take you on an outing seems pretty straight forward, but what if you have always been the one who organised everything? Of course S took me places and i wasn't always so sure of how i would arrive since he knew the area and i didn't, but i always had some sense of control, which i tended to retain. Now, i feel ready to give that kind of thing up.
Making decisions about my life and how i live it has always been a major thing for me. Pretty much without exception that is what i do. But what if i didn't always do that? What if i didn't always know best what was good for me and gave some of that over to another, how would that feel? Would i be worried or frightened, or actually would i feel liberated. Since i have often worried before making decisions and then agonised over whether they were right for me, maybe it wouldn't be quite so difficult.
Only time will tell. All i do know is that then was then and now is now, and something in me has changed. And for the better.
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Acknowledging those difficult feelings
In many ways right now, i am struggling to cope with the feelings that i have allowed seem to emerge from me.
For so long, i have been the strong person, the one who busies herself for so much of the time; managing everyone's lives, controlling, doing things for people. Bygiving in acknowledging my submission in this way and by seeking to change the way i live my life, difficult and often unwanted feelings are breaking through.
i am happy to be seeing Graeme and to be experiencing the wonderful feelings that go with that. But i am truly sad about the loss of my relationship with hubby. Knowing it is the right thing to do and acknowledging that i no longer love him does not make it easy. This is an area i continue to need to take control in and as i give up that control in other areas that takes immense energy.
i am excited about going away on holiday next week, partly because i need the break and love to go to France, but also because Graeme is coming with me and that will be so much fun. On the other hand i am nervous about the reaction his other love, which i suspect might not be so positive. She and i are chatting more and while in the future we will probably be friends, understandably our feelings for each other more err on the side of jealousy in relation to what each of us has with Him.
It is a long time since i have felt jealous of anyone else in the context of love and relationships. Probably since my hubby had his affair when my son was a baby. But i do acknowledge that is what i feel. The fear i have of being abandoned, of being second best, of some how being excluded from something i want are all part of the jealousy i feel. Plus that jealousy is wrapped up in the loss i currently feel for my marriage. The happiness of others seems all the more prevalent when you feel as i do.
Other feelings include anxiety and uncertainty about the future. Can i really break free and form my own life? Will people continue to support me or will they turn against me? Can i continue to be strong when i need to be or will i just turn into a wreck?
Its not that i think anything bad will really happen to me, it is just that by acknowledging how i feel causes me to lose more of the self control i have so jealously guarded.
i need to go through this difficult time to become the person i want to be and to live my life in the way i need to. But that doesn't make it easy. And yes, i have lots of support. But at times i still feel completely alone.
For so long, i have been the strong person, the one who busies herself for so much of the time; managing everyone's lives, controlling, doing things for people. By
i am happy to be seeing Graeme and to be experiencing the wonderful feelings that go with that. But i am truly sad about the loss of my relationship with hubby. Knowing it is the right thing to do and acknowledging that i no longer love him does not make it easy. This is an area i continue to need to take control in and as i give up that control in other areas that takes immense energy.
i am excited about going away on holiday next week, partly because i need the break and love to go to France, but also because Graeme is coming with me and that will be so much fun. On the other hand i am nervous about the reaction his other love, which i suspect might not be so positive. She and i are chatting more and while in the future we will probably be friends, understandably our feelings for each other more err on the side of jealousy in relation to what each of us has with Him.
It is a long time since i have felt jealous of anyone else in the context of love and relationships. Probably since my hubby had his affair when my son was a baby. But i do acknowledge that is what i feel. The fear i have of being abandoned, of being second best, of some how being excluded from something i want are all part of the jealousy i feel. Plus that jealousy is wrapped up in the loss i currently feel for my marriage. The happiness of others seems all the more prevalent when you feel as i do.
Other feelings include anxiety and uncertainty about the future. Can i really break free and form my own life? Will people continue to support me or will they turn against me? Can i continue to be strong when i need to be or will i just turn into a wreck?
Its not that i think anything bad will really happen to me, it is just that by acknowledging how i feel causes me to lose more of the self control i have so jealously guarded.
i need to go through this difficult time to become the person i want to be and to live my life in the way i need to. But that doesn't make it easy. And yes, i have lots of support. But at times i still feel completely alone.
Sunday, 16 March 2014
Cock worship
It would be true to say that if someone had asked me two years ago if i was someone who found worshipping a man's cock an attractive prospect, i would have laughed in their face.
This was before i realised what an amazing organ the right cock is, especially when your body has been owned by another and it is expected that you give that body up to the desires of your man.
I learned a lot in my previous relationship. He taught me how to suck his cock in the way he wanted, to recognise that it was not my need that was important but that He was the important one. While He used my mouth quite a bit, actually He used my cunt and arse more. But it is true he helped me well on the way to being a cock worshipping slut.
The relationship i have now is a little different. The key thing is that Graeme is so receptive to the things i do for Him. He has taught me the things He likes and since i like to please i have set about to do them. The more i touch and suck His cock in the way he wants, the more i show just how much i am growing to love His cock the more he feels aroused by the way in which i do and in turn the more i want to worship it.
The first thing i did was to hand over control of my body to Graeme. This was not hard, since i don't have anyone else to give it to, other than to retain it for myself, and where is the fun in that? While it can be enjoyable to keep your orgasms for yourself it is more fulfilling to give them away to another, plus with that comes ownership of more of your body.
So i willingly gave up His ownership of all of my body to Him and i definitely don't regret it. With it comes lots of touching of His body, including in public as well as a great deal of penetration. With both of those comes orgasms, provided and given back to him in a variety of ways and with subtly different feelings for me (all good). The best part though is that i am now able to worship a cock that i love.
It is hard to describe why and how this is different for me. It is not about size or shape, nor is it about who gave me the better time as each time is good in its own way.
But this is about knowing that This Man at this time appreciates the way in which i care for Him. It is about knowing that He likes the things my mouth can do for Him. The more He lets me know that He appreciates the way i love His cock then the more i want to worship it.
So, while cock worship is about the feel, the smell, the taste of Him, it is also about what that worship does and for me, that goes to the heart of my submission. Something i have written about here today, as i approach the end of the second year of my journey.
Saturday, 15 March 2014
The importance of reflection
During the 90's and early 00's nursing was obsessed with the process of how nurses were able to refect on their practise. Models of reflection were developed by the great and the good, and put into practice by people like me - practising nurses, educationalists, managers (I have been all 3 at some time or other). I have used reflection as part of the process of clinical supervision and of action learning (my masters dissertation was on action learning), and have studied and been part of their practice. This is all about the process of learning from your actions, not making the same mistakes again, or else saying that went well and this is how I would do that again. At work, these processes are now ingrained in me. The psychometric tests you can take for education and practise seem to suggest I am not naturally reflective, instead I like to get in there and do and think about it all later - reflection in action rather than reflection on action (see it is all coming back to me).
However, at work I have learned to do both, to act quickly and think about what I am doing at the time and afterwards as well as consider the task in hand, think about how I have done that task before (or something similar) and then to act. I have learned, even in the context of nursing to do that. Now of course, I don't practice as a nurse as such and pretty much nothing I do is in any way an emergency (except to some person from the Department of Health or other similar self important organisations).
At home though I am different. I often (very often) forget the way I am at work and I react. I rush to do things, say things, without thought in a way I never would at home. Someone at home says jump, I say how high (kind of thing). I see a need and I have tried to meet that need without thought. I often don't even think later that I can do it differently (or if I do, I don't make changes to my practise so that I do it differently next time). So I get stuck in a cycle of doing things the same way, for the same people, time and time again even though I know that doing so makes me miserable.
There are things I do for my husband, when he is here, that fall into the category - does them for him and never learns she shouldn't nor does she help him do them for himself.
For 2 or 3 days each week he comes home for a nice rest. He has been to work and is tired. I have been to work and am tired. But I am the one running around doing everything and he is on the sofa chilling out with a drink, watching TV. I cook dinner, clear up, load the dishwasher, pick up any other chores that need attending to (say washing and ironing) and he does nothing.
During last night's conversation with Graeme we discussed some of the above (though not the theory bit), and I came to the conclusion I need to change this. I need not to give hubby a comfortable place to be. He needs to find his own comfortable place and at the same time pick up his own chores. I have told him recently that I am not his mother and cannot act like one. I really need now to make my actions match my words.
Reflection on action has taken place, heck I even reflect at times while I do things for him, now I need to change my practice.
The reflection on / in action theory is from Donald schön 1983, 1987
....................................
Linked to this is the way in which I go into nurse mode when people start to tell me something of what is worrying or challenging them. My desire to help and to problem solve, can if I don't control it take over. Over time, I have got better at listening, at reflecting back and helping people make their own choices. There are still times though when this doesn't happen.
The other evening I completely dropped my submissive self and the nurse in me took over when it was neither needed or wanted. No one was about to die, so it wasn't that I needed to jump into nurse like action.
If I want to be the person I think I do then this part of me must change, particularly in relation to the man who is the Dominant. I have reflected on the action of this one and now need to make it happen at the time - in action. What a journey I find myself on!!
Friday, 14 March 2014
New day
Isn't it odd that on one day we can feel so down and almost despondent and the next, pretty much on top of the world. Well maybe not on top, since today is a working day - Friday - but there is lots to look forward to. Plus the self doubts of yesterday have receded. Mainly due to communication with those who are important.
In the past, when I have felt down, I have tended to bottle my feelings, to keep them within. Then usually I have been able to keep them under the surface. Right now though, everything is surfacing at once. So conversations about Graeme's other relationship some how trigger anxieties in me about totally unrelated but quite similar things. I am gripped with self doubt and a now deep feeling that I will give up control and then be abandoned.
These thoughts are unnecessary even in the context of a potentially unconventional relationship in the longer term.
Now though I have some strategies. I have recognised the need for some external help to deal with my feelings around the ending of my marriage and how to deal with the fall out. This is an area where I so wish I could give control to another, but know that it can't be so.
Tonight I have a night out with a friend who has been a great source of support throughout the past year or so as I move through this part of my journey. She is a person who is clear about some of the things I should be doing to get to the place I want and need to be. She has no idea of my kinky side, but believes I need and deserve so much more than I have had.
Then tomorrow afternoon, evening and night, time with Graeme. Time to re discover my submission and to worship Him in the way i know he wishes me to and i have that deem need for. Time to shake off the doubts and just enjoy Him.
In the past, when I have felt down, I have tended to bottle my feelings, to keep them within. Then usually I have been able to keep them under the surface. Right now though, everything is surfacing at once. So conversations about Graeme's other relationship some how trigger anxieties in me about totally unrelated but quite similar things. I am gripped with self doubt and a now deep feeling that I will give up control and then be abandoned.
These thoughts are unnecessary even in the context of a potentially unconventional relationship in the longer term.
Now though I have some strategies. I have recognised the need for some external help to deal with my feelings around the ending of my marriage and how to deal with the fall out. This is an area where I so wish I could give control to another, but know that it can't be so.
Tonight I have a night out with a friend who has been a great source of support throughout the past year or so as I move through this part of my journey. She is a person who is clear about some of the things I should be doing to get to the place I want and need to be. She has no idea of my kinky side, but believes I need and deserve so much more than I have had.
Then tomorrow afternoon, evening and night, time with Graeme. Time to re discover my submission and to worship Him in the way i know he wishes me to and i have that deem need for. Time to shake off the doubts and just enjoy Him.
Thursday, 13 March 2014
Feelings
The happiness I have been feeling for the past few weeks will not last. The reality is that for both of us, what we have is a gap filler. For me, it hopefully helps me finally end the relationship I have been in for all these years but which if I let it would slowly destroy me. For him it is until he is with the person he loves.
These may be things we choose to forget when we are playing, when we are walking hand in hand, eating a meal or when he is owning part of my body. I have willingly given that body to him, but it is not a forever thing.
The question for me is, how do I make sure that I don't get myself hurt too badly? I need this relationship with him, and I think he does with me. We are good together and we make each other happy.
But I am anxious. I am wary and I am a little bit scared.
I need something that he won't be able to give me, though for now that probably doesn't matter. It does worry me however that after this is over, I will have to pick myself up again and move on.
Dramatic, self centred, selfish? Yes. But since I have started to think about me, that is how I am.
I have realised that where I felt I could manage this thing on my own, I now realise I probably need some outside help to manage my feelings and my anxieties about the future.
These may be things we choose to forget when we are playing, when we are walking hand in hand, eating a meal or when he is owning part of my body. I have willingly given that body to him, but it is not a forever thing.
The question for me is, how do I make sure that I don't get myself hurt too badly? I need this relationship with him, and I think he does with me. We are good together and we make each other happy.
But I am anxious. I am wary and I am a little bit scared.
I need something that he won't be able to give me, though for now that probably doesn't matter. It does worry me however that after this is over, I will have to pick myself up again and move on.
Dramatic, self centred, selfish? Yes. But since I have started to think about me, that is how I am.
I have realised that where I felt I could manage this thing on my own, I now realise I probably need some outside help to manage my feelings and my anxieties about the future.
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
More of Fiona's questions
For post 250 of my blog it is time i answered Fiona's extra questions:
She wanted to know what Graeme most likes about playing with me. Unfortunately i got the question slightly wrong when i asked his opinion and asked him which implement he most likes to use on me.
His answer is the violet wand.
What an amazing thing that is. Who knew that you could be turned on by different gadgets on the end of an electric current like that? He loves my reaction to it, particularly on my nipples and clit (where else). As far as i understand this is not a gadget that is right for all, but it definitely is good for me, especially near the beginning of a session. i think it probably starts the process as i move into sub space.
Question 2 is about what he thinks about my blog.
I was open about it from the beginning and didn't want him finding it by accident. What he says about it is that it tells him about me. It tells him about my journey and about what i have thought about the different things i have done along the way.
He sees it as an important part of our continuing journey as a place i can talk about how i feel about things and a place i might say things that i can't tell him. So far that hasn't happened, but it is a distinct possibility that it will.
He is clear that i am free to say whatever i want here. But we have discussed that it needs to be a place for me to explain me, and as such won't be about me bragging about the wonderful sex i have had. Of course, that might well come through.
I see this blog as a place i will now consider my increasingly submissive self and the relationship Graeme and i have together. It will also be about the other parts of our lives, His other relationship and mine.
As i mentioned earlier i am about to (on 1st April) enter year 3 of this journey. i have to admit that this is an exciting time for us both and one which i intend to continue to describe here.
Midweek thoughts
Don't you just love blogger? Somehow this morning i wrote pretty much half a post and then suddenly it was gone - auto save apparently not working. So, no doubt this will turn out differently than i had been planning.
Life is feeling a little busy right now, so much so that i don't seem to have had the time for blogging. Either that, or i am not giving my blog the time in my busy schedule that it deserves. Either way this is my first post in almost a week; unusual right now.
i am caught up in a whole whirl of family, work, and of course Graeme. At times it is hard to be able to sort out in my head where my priorities at any time lie. While i function as well as ever at work and definitely enjoy my job, it doesn't mean as much to me as it used to. The redundancy experience last year was some of that, but also the feeling that there are more interesting things i could be doing instead. At the same time, while my family is very important, i don't want to give them priority over other aspects of my life. Those areas where i can be myself.
Parts of the separate parts of my life have started to collide. My parents know about me seeing Graeme, since my sister in law (who i confided in) told my brother (as expected) and then who then 'let it slip' as it were. It is fine, but i did have to experience the third degree from my dad who loves to grill me in his direct way. My parents seem pleased for me, and want me to be happy, but are a little sad at the implication - my marriage really is over.
Then there is my son, who i am close to and who i have spent quite a bit of time with since he returned from university last summer. He met Graeme briefly on Saturday and i guess due to surprise / shock at seeing him in our house fled to his room like a teenager. Then he was faced with something of an unpleasant reality when Graeme stayed over on Saturday night and he and i were in bed until late Sunday morning. The way in which my son stormed out, was quite teen like for a 23 year old. He has been brought up to be friendly and courteous. He is well spoken and intelligent but obviously this encounter was too much. Nothing has been said yet, and i am waiting for him to make the approach. This is so obviously not what he wants to happen, but since i am making the decisions on my life at the moment, it is happening in this way.
Finally there is the time i am spending with Graeme. Right now, it feels that i would like more of it. What is more there are the different aspects of our lives that we are exploring. Getting to know each other generally, going out places together, chatting, laughing. Then there is the time in bed, getting to know each others bodies (perhaps we spent too long doing that Sunday?) And then there is the D/s element which we are discussing much more and are moving towards something that is a little more along the spectrum than i have previously experienced but which i am clear i am ready for.
If i think back just a few weeks, my life felt like it was forming into a rut again. Now, far from it. i am almost in a whirl from everything that is going on. Soon though i will have a few days away with Graeme for me to recenter and for us to consider this relationship with little outside interference.
I definitely need some time and space and then i will push forward with the next phase of my life. Year 3 of my journey is upon me and that year will, i think be a little different from the previous two.
I haven't forgotten about Fiona's question's, and will answer them later. If there are any more i can answer them at the same time too.....
Life is feeling a little busy right now, so much so that i don't seem to have had the time for blogging. Either that, or i am not giving my blog the time in my busy schedule that it deserves. Either way this is my first post in almost a week; unusual right now.
i am caught up in a whole whirl of family, work, and of course Graeme. At times it is hard to be able to sort out in my head where my priorities at any time lie. While i function as well as ever at work and definitely enjoy my job, it doesn't mean as much to me as it used to. The redundancy experience last year was some of that, but also the feeling that there are more interesting things i could be doing instead. At the same time, while my family is very important, i don't want to give them priority over other aspects of my life. Those areas where i can be myself.
Parts of the separate parts of my life have started to collide. My parents know about me seeing Graeme, since my sister in law (who i confided in) told my brother (as expected) and then who then 'let it slip' as it were. It is fine, but i did have to experience the third degree from my dad who loves to grill me in his direct way. My parents seem pleased for me, and want me to be happy, but are a little sad at the implication - my marriage really is over.
Then there is my son, who i am close to and who i have spent quite a bit of time with since he returned from university last summer. He met Graeme briefly on Saturday and i guess due to surprise / shock at seeing him in our house fled to his room like a teenager. Then he was faced with something of an unpleasant reality when Graeme stayed over on Saturday night and he and i were in bed until late Sunday morning. The way in which my son stormed out, was quite teen like for a 23 year old. He has been brought up to be friendly and courteous. He is well spoken and intelligent but obviously this encounter was too much. Nothing has been said yet, and i am waiting for him to make the approach. This is so obviously not what he wants to happen, but since i am making the decisions on my life at the moment, it is happening in this way.
Finally there is the time i am spending with Graeme. Right now, it feels that i would like more of it. What is more there are the different aspects of our lives that we are exploring. Getting to know each other generally, going out places together, chatting, laughing. Then there is the time in bed, getting to know each others bodies (perhaps we spent too long doing that Sunday?) And then there is the D/s element which we are discussing much more and are moving towards something that is a little more along the spectrum than i have previously experienced but which i am clear i am ready for.
If i think back just a few weeks, my life felt like it was forming into a rut again. Now, far from it. i am almost in a whirl from everything that is going on. Soon though i will have a few days away with Graeme for me to recenter and for us to consider this relationship with little outside interference.
I definitely need some time and space and then i will push forward with the next phase of my life. Year 3 of my journey is upon me and that year will, i think be a little different from the previous two.
I haven't forgotten about Fiona's question's, and will answer them later. If there are any more i can answer them at the same time too.....
Thursday, 6 March 2014
Wedding ring and more questions
Just before Christmas i realised i weighed more than i had ever weighed in my life before. Essentially i felt very miserable around that time, and when i am miserable i eat. I also shopped as if a family of 3 were staying at home for the whole holidays and were expecting guests every night. In the main, what food was eaten was eaten by me. My son helped, but he doesn't have a sweet tooth (hell neither really do i!) and i hate waste.
At New Year i decided i needed to do something and during January both dieted and did the whole dry January thing (even if i didn't last all month).
Over the months, when people have asked me why i still wear my wedding ring, i have said it is because it won't come off. The practicalities of this were definitely true in December and January, though to be honest it is only recently it has bothered me.
i have now lost 12lb in weight, though i have a bit to go until i will be happy with my weight. But today, while in a place where the air conditioning was a little on the cool side, while fiddling with my wedding ring, it actually came off.
i won't be putting it back on.
Apart from a few weeks during the latter stages of pregnancy, i have worn a wedding ring on my left hand for near on 30 years. It is going to be weird to wear nothing. For now, i have a ring that was left to me by my grandmother which i have decided to wear on that finger.
.................................................
Questions from Fiona:
What is a fantasy that you have that includes Graeme that you have not yet tried?
i would like to be made to submit for a prolonged period of time. Since we don't live together and have no formal kind of arrangement, my submission kind of comes and goes. i would like to agree to behave in a particular kind of way for a specific length of time and actually manage to do it (or else be punished). This is really tame, or is it? Julie is Mrs Pretty Scary Lady and she likes to be in charge. Giving up power and control for a day, or two would be a massive thing. Plus it would show if she is able to be joolz for any length of time.
What is your favourite implement?
Damn it i have very little experience with many implements and the ones recently experienced blurred into one. i am not keen on the belt but like the crop or flogger (edited after thinking about this). The flogger because it can be such a sensual gentle thing and then again it can be something else entirely. This is an area where my experience definitely needs widening!
Do you think you will be Graeme long term or are you thinking this just a while it lasts relationship?
It has only been a month. Plus He is promised to another. i intend to enjoy the things we do together for as long as we both wish to do them. In short, i don't know and at the moment am not worried.
What is your favourite desert?
I love cherries. Given a menu i will, if it available choose something with cherries. I can't actually eat them fresh as they make my throat kind of itch, like i am about to have an allergic reaction. But the kind of cherry in kirsch or something that you get in a gateaux or cheesecake or just in cream and ice-cream. Well yes give that to me! If it also includes chocolate then all the better!
A big step
Last weekend i did something i didn't think i would be able to. i took a man who is not my husband into my marital bed. What is more, i managed to not only have sex there but to sleep too.
For me, just having Graeme in the house, given when no one else was home, felt like something very big indeed.
As i move towards the end of my marriage i am trying to be clear to us both that i mean as i say. Sleeping with another man in my own room feels to me like some kind of defining moment on that journey.
Hubby and i still share when he is home (only one night this week), but there is no physical contact. i know (enough people have advised me) that i need to sort out the spare room and move his things in there. He has even offered to go. It is probably one of the next things that i will make happen.
Sleeping with Graeme is a lovely experience. He likes to touch during the night, to cuddle, spoon together. So far we have woken early, partly due to the excitement we both feel about this new relationship. But we have tend to lay in bed together, kissing, stroking and of course joined in some way later than i normally would. As someone who is generally lacking sleep and rest this is probably one of the best things for my physical and emotional well being. It is not getting my housework done to my satisfaction, but then you have to prioritise.
This Friday there will be another opportunity and i take it with relish. A big step, but a necessary one.
For me, just having Graeme in the house, given when no one else was home, felt like something very big indeed.
As i move towards the end of my marriage i am trying to be clear to us both that i mean as i say. Sleeping with another man in my own room feels to me like some kind of defining moment on that journey.
Hubby and i still share when he is home (only one night this week), but there is no physical contact. i know (enough people have advised me) that i need to sort out the spare room and move his things in there. He has even offered to go. It is probably one of the next things that i will make happen.
Sleeping with Graeme is a lovely experience. He likes to touch during the night, to cuddle, spoon together. So far we have woken early, partly due to the excitement we both feel about this new relationship. But we have tend to lay in bed together, kissing, stroking and of course joined in some way later than i normally would. As someone who is generally lacking sleep and rest this is probably one of the best things for my physical and emotional well being. It is not getting my housework done to my satisfaction, but then you have to prioritise.
This Friday there will be another opportunity and i take it with relish. A big step, but a necessary one.
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
Questions
I have tori to thank for my first questions, so here goes:
Do you fear how far you might go in your submission i.e. things perhaps you were sure you would never do, or do you just feel excitement
As far as I can see things right now, I am pretty much open to most ideas. I thought I didn't like too much pain, but it turns out that actually I do. So far, Graeme tells me He has held back on the pain front and I probably can't argue with that as I definitely haven't reached any kind of limit with Him on that.
But actually I don't think pain and humiliation are my greatest challenge. For me it is about how i change my behaviours when i am with Him. Over the past couple of days we have discussed this quite a bit. For the most part when we are out together i am happy to just let him take the lead, but every now and then the me that wants to take over just, well, takes over.
i am clear that my submission now is about expanding the boundaries around giving up control in new ways. Perhaps not jumping in to organise things in a restaurant? Perhaps stepping back when i normally would wade in?
For me this is something new and equally something that i have spoken of. I have taken so much control during my marriage, letting go in real life situations is quite tricky. That is my challenge.
What 3 things are high on your kink list?
This is harder, since i have done quite a lot!!
First i would like to try the girl thing again. Last time, well although it was fun i didn't really think it was for me. But if that was what was wanted of me, to please my Dom then yes, i would be happy to go again.
Second really is piercings - not essentially kink but the reason for them and the things that could be done because of them are kinky. Graeme and i have been discussing nipple and clit hood piercings for me. i am pretty sure they will happen this year. and then the kinky sky might well be my oyster
So i am now seeing Gadget Man, and in the past month i have been exposed to experiences that i could never have imagined. I think my fantasy would be a new toy He hasn't tried before and for which i am His first guinea pig.
These are my first March Questions - does anyone have any more?
orgasm control
i have willingly given up control of my orgasms.
Able to choose for myself, given free rein and feeling a little horny. If i was in the right place at the right time, i would usually go for it. Hell it is an extremely pleasant experience and what girl would turn it down? Especially if there were someone there to both offer and give.
Over the past weeks, since i gave up that control I have been offered orgasms which i have not taken up.
i am quite able to say no because under a more controlled existence orgasm is actually more pleasant. In the past, with no one to know or care i have used a vibe to give myself orgasm after orgasm without truly being fulfilled. Indeed self control is better - when seeing S, i often went a week or 2 after we had been together. The end result being far preferable and that without much if anything of control from him.
Today my orgasms are not only controlled but belong to another. Indeed, i am happy to rephrase and say: girls orgasms are controlled and owned by Graeme.
But mostly i don't want or need them when he is not there.
The orgasm control we have been exploring when we are together is more that since he owns them he can dictate when i have them. I have to say that is beyond weird. Though wonderful.
To begin with every time i felt in needed to cum he asked if that was what i needed and generally he would tell me to cum. Even if sometimes it meant holding back a little. This weekend as soon as i have either asked or he has sensed the need in me he has told me to come. Providing me with some assistance with his hands, on the clit, nipples and by stroking me more generally. Suddenly though, i found myself cumming, after he told me to cum, but with no additional stimulation. He was very satisfied with his work and i was both fulfilled and a little spooked. There is no doubt my orgasms with Graeme are heavily psychologically overlaid, indeed his ability to turn me on is. The way in which he can say certain things to me - call me girl or say something suggestive - releases the feeling in me that i am not far off. Then i am just a short journey to giving him what he wants.
He bought me a lovely present, which he gave me at the weekend and i have worn for the past two nights. He said (i think and hope) that i can give him an orgasm if i need to when wearing it. This morning i did. It is a while since i wore a but plug for any length of time and then it was more a training tool. Plus a stainless steel plug is a special thing, a thing of beauty. Wearing it makes me horny, as we both knew it would. Last night particularly i spent in a state of semi arousal all night. This morning as i lay thinking of him telling me to cum i almost, had the feeling i could have. Indeed it took just a short burst with the rabbit inside me to have the desired effect.
i am left thinking about self masturbation in a different way. Giving an orgasm to another, even when they are not there is really special and something i am starting to love.
Able to choose for myself, given free rein and feeling a little horny. If i was in the right place at the right time, i would usually go for it. Hell it is an extremely pleasant experience and what girl would turn it down? Especially if there were someone there to both offer and give.
Over the past weeks, since i gave up that control I have been offered orgasms which i have not taken up.
i am quite able to say no because under a more controlled existence orgasm is actually more pleasant. In the past, with no one to know or care i have used a vibe to give myself orgasm after orgasm without truly being fulfilled. Indeed self control is better - when seeing S, i often went a week or 2 after we had been together. The end result being far preferable and that without much if anything of control from him.
Today my orgasms are not only controlled but belong to another. Indeed, i am happy to rephrase and say: girls orgasms are controlled and owned by Graeme.
But mostly i don't want or need them when he is not there.
The orgasm control we have been exploring when we are together is more that since he owns them he can dictate when i have them. I have to say that is beyond weird. Though wonderful.
To begin with every time i felt in needed to cum he asked if that was what i needed and generally he would tell me to cum. Even if sometimes it meant holding back a little. This weekend as soon as i have either asked or he has sensed the need in me he has told me to come. Providing me with some assistance with his hands, on the clit, nipples and by stroking me more generally. Suddenly though, i found myself cumming, after he told me to cum, but with no additional stimulation. He was very satisfied with his work and i was both fulfilled and a little spooked. There is no doubt my orgasms with Graeme are heavily psychologically overlaid, indeed his ability to turn me on is. The way in which he can say certain things to me - call me girl or say something suggestive - releases the feeling in me that i am not far off. Then i am just a short journey to giving him what he wants.
i am left thinking about self masturbation in a different way. Giving an orgasm to another, even when they are not there is really special and something i am starting to love.
Sunday, 2 March 2014
So, a month on
I have so much to write about, the posts and the experiences that have gone with it are mixed up in my head. Over the coming days I will separate them out and have a steady stream of things to write about. Today though I am going to reflect a little on the past month.
4 weeks ago yesterday I met Graeme in a local pub and while there was a spark between us, I could never have quite imagined that the connection between up would be quite as it so obviously is. The relationship we have begun to form seems to be pushing me towards making some significant changes to my life. He isn't making me do anything, but somehow his influence, his support is helping me do what I need to.
Throughout my relationship with S, I knew I wanted to submit. It was a journey I embarked on with relish as I took on board the new experiences. Ok, so things changed midway but still I submitted to him in the bedroom in the way he wanted and in the way I learnt to do. BUT each relationship is different and this one, while there are elements that are similar, in many many ways is very very different. I feel like a different submissive with Graeme.
The biggest thing for me right now is exploring the two parts of myself. That is Julie - she is a professional woman, holding down a demanding job, a job which involves negotiating with and influencing others, giving advice and making decisions without reference to others. She is also someone with a husband who is having difficulty in recognising when a relationship is over, she has a propensity to slip between being over powering in the way she deals with their still joined up life to down right submissive when it comes to dealing with him as a person. She has a son who needs advice and guidance and she has parents who are not in the best of health and who need a growing level of support. She has siblings who don't always pull their weight. She has some great friends but sometimes takes the weight of their lives on her shoulders for no good reason. Julie likes to solve problems, she has a tendency to get stressed and overwhelmed by life.
Then there is joolz - she has been created by Julie to help her explore submission. Or has she? That was my feeling at the beginning of this, when I created my blog, my fetlife and other names. joolz is a sexual submissive that is definitely clear. joolz likes to please but not in the way she pleases as Julie. She wants to give up power and control to another, she longs for a master to submit to and knows that as part of that she will discover the sexual fulfilment that she has been denied for so much of her adult life.
what I have learnt over the past month is that what I knew of joolz is only the tip of the iceberg. The voyage of discovery is so far from complete and that at times I feel I know nothing about who I (in whatever guise) am.
joolz is finding that when she is being herself she has no trouble thinking and speaking in the third person. She has no trouble giving herself completely and in being controlled, indeed she has no desire to control anyone or anything else. She knows what her role is and she gets more pleasure than she could have imagined from giving pleasure to the man who is becoming her Master.
The big question for joolz / Julie is just how much does she want / need to be which person, and indeed, could she be joolz full time, but let Julie sweep in and out when the situation arose without anyone on the outside actually noticing.
Deep down Julie would like this to be the case, since then she will be completely fulfilled.
The main thing is that I am so so much happier than I was a month ago and that Graeme has had a large part to play in this. I can't say more thank that!
Apparently March is a month for asking questions here in blog land. I know that sometimes I don't give my readers the level of detail they may seek so why not let me know what is on your mind and ask that question. Since Graeme has pretty much read every post on this blog now, I am sure he will be happy to help me answer!
4 weeks ago yesterday I met Graeme in a local pub and while there was a spark between us, I could never have quite imagined that the connection between up would be quite as it so obviously is. The relationship we have begun to form seems to be pushing me towards making some significant changes to my life. He isn't making me do anything, but somehow his influence, his support is helping me do what I need to.
Throughout my relationship with S, I knew I wanted to submit. It was a journey I embarked on with relish as I took on board the new experiences. Ok, so things changed midway but still I submitted to him in the bedroom in the way he wanted and in the way I learnt to do. BUT each relationship is different and this one, while there are elements that are similar, in many many ways is very very different. I feel like a different submissive with Graeme.
The biggest thing for me right now is exploring the two parts of myself. That is Julie - she is a professional woman, holding down a demanding job, a job which involves negotiating with and influencing others, giving advice and making decisions without reference to others. She is also someone with a husband who is having difficulty in recognising when a relationship is over, she has a propensity to slip between being over powering in the way she deals with their still joined up life to down right submissive when it comes to dealing with him as a person. She has a son who needs advice and guidance and she has parents who are not in the best of health and who need a growing level of support. She has siblings who don't always pull their weight. She has some great friends but sometimes takes the weight of their lives on her shoulders for no good reason. Julie likes to solve problems, she has a tendency to get stressed and overwhelmed by life.
Then there is joolz - she has been created by Julie to help her explore submission. Or has she? That was my feeling at the beginning of this, when I created my blog, my fetlife and other names. joolz is a sexual submissive that is definitely clear. joolz likes to please but not in the way she pleases as Julie. She wants to give up power and control to another, she longs for a master to submit to and knows that as part of that she will discover the sexual fulfilment that she has been denied for so much of her adult life.
what I have learnt over the past month is that what I knew of joolz is only the tip of the iceberg. The voyage of discovery is so far from complete and that at times I feel I know nothing about who I (in whatever guise) am.
joolz is finding that when she is being herself she has no trouble thinking and speaking in the third person. She has no trouble giving herself completely and in being controlled, indeed she has no desire to control anyone or anything else. She knows what her role is and she gets more pleasure than she could have imagined from giving pleasure to the man who is becoming her Master.
The big question for joolz / Julie is just how much does she want / need to be which person, and indeed, could she be joolz full time, but let Julie sweep in and out when the situation arose without anyone on the outside actually noticing.
Deep down Julie would like this to be the case, since then she will be completely fulfilled.
The main thing is that I am so so much happier than I was a month ago and that Graeme has had a large part to play in this. I can't say more thank that!
Apparently March is a month for asking questions here in blog land. I know that sometimes I don't give my readers the level of detail they may seek so why not let me know what is on your mind and ask that question. Since Graeme has pretty much read every post on this blog now, I am sure he will be happy to help me answer!
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