100th Blog post and 30 days of submission Day 27

I have been having one of those weekends where you potter around doing a bit of this and that. Some shopping, some housework, some surfing and some Bond. Yes Bond. On Friday we went to see Skyfall along with dinner out. The film was great and dinner was fine. I won't say anything about the film since people will be going to see it at different times, but I liked it. It was a good start to a pottering kind of weekend.  

Today, we went out to a local out of town shopping kind of place to get the coat I want. I tried it on in one size too small and one size too big. I like the coat but neither sizes were quite right, so I ordered it online once we got home. Now, as I write this, hubby alternates between more Bond (there is a whole Sky channel devoted just to James Bond films) and football (the soccer kind) and his naughty kinky wife has been surfing the internet for suitable photos for her blog post 100. In my defense, I did the ironing first. 

So that's the vanilla, family kind of life out of the way and here is the kinky side. I was thinking that in combining this momentous blog (number 100) with a day of submission, a picture like this would be appropriate.

This is the kind of position Sir likes me in, and this is how he likes me dressed. Many of our fantasies involve me wearing stockings and suspenders with some very high heels under whatever clothes i have on for the scene. Over the time it has taken to post 100 times here, i have come to enjoy this more and more. He has helped to nurture my submission, and to enjoy it. i in turn embrace it more and more.

So to Day 27 of 30 Days of Submission. This is highly appropriate:

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

We have explored many fantasies together. Some have been fulfilled and some are still there to be achieved. I would like to be bound more like this:

I would definitely like to spend more time restrained, perhaps blindfolded and gagged. I would like to explore how the senses can be made to respond when you are unable to see or speak and are restrained. To have Him make me keep my legs open for him, to have Him use me while i am unable to prevent him doing what he wants to me, appeals greatly. 

I definitely would like to explore humiliation some more. I have a love / hate relationship with being made to dress in a provocative way while out in public. To touch and be touched in places where we might be discovered. But I would definitely like to be pushed to do much more of that.

I think what I am saying is there are more extremes of what we have done so far to be explored before I tackle new fantasies. But rest assured there will be more of those to think up too!

Photos from the mind circus 

The Pleasure of Submission

i was just looking thorough my stats while wondering what to write about and how to start, when i noticed that on 3 occasions this week the words 'pleasure of submission' were used to bring people here. At the same time I have been reading a variety of postings by fellow bloggers. About the challenges of maintaining these relationships, about the reality of being a submissive, but also about some of the wonderful and very hot sex that goes with it. i myself am challenged with considering seeing Sir on a day of the week usually reserved for me, for hubby and for family and what that means for me. But of course it is the draw of the pleasure of submission that makes me know that i will make the time, think of a way to make it happen.

Of all of the aspects of this whole TTWD 'thing' it is the submission that has brought me the most pleasure. It is submitting to Him that makes me who i feel i am now in comparison to who i was in say April or May this year. On the outside, in my daily life of course i am no different, no more or less submissive. The only way i am different is how i feel inside. How i feel about me and about the things we do together. i take pleasure in some of the symbols of submission that i go through; as i have said before, i prepare my body, i arrive and kneel, i suck his cock, he puts on my collar. But at that point, often after a long fraught journey along some of the trickier roads in the UK, i struggle to submit my mind to him. i am often not very good at giving him head at that point. For quite a while i thought it was because my mouth may be dry, but even when i have been drinking water during the journey, i struggle. It occurs to me that the real reason is partly because we are a little on the eager side and partly because i am not yet fully in the submissive frame of mind that i need to get into. But during the course of the day / evening / night together, i am able to submit to him more and more, not just in a sexual way but emotionally and with that comes pleasure not just of sexual arousal but of submission.

A few evenings ago we were discussing the things we most like doing together. He told me his favorite position to have me in is on my hands and knees, legs wide apart, bottom in the air, as he considers this my most submissive pose. When i am in this position i am unable to do very much, though can touch myself if he instructs me. He in turn can access any part of me he wishes. He can apply clamps to my nipples or clit, he can push his cock into my mouth, my cunt or my arse, whichever he chooses. For me, i also like that position as when he chooses where to push his cock (usually either of the latter two) i know that i will be penetrated deeply and that i will enjoy the experience. But also i know i will experience the pleasure of submission whether or not i am allowed an orgasm at that time.

So when i worry that this relationship is about sex and lust alone, i remember that even if we didn't eat together, chat together, laugh together and watch films (some of which due to an error of digital recording might finish before they should), there is still the pleasure of submission. For me i think that is what this whole thing is about.

Photo from All Fours

Yes or No

I am rather late to this, having seen it on Aisha, PK, Sin, and Fondles' blog. Decided to give it a go.

There are only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks. 

Taken a picture naked? Yes
Made money illegally? No
Had a one night stand? No
Been in a fist fight? Yes
Slept with your best friend? No
Had sex in a public place? Yes
Ditched work to have sex? Yes
Slept with a member of the same sex? No
Seen someone die? Yes
Ran from the police? No
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? No
Worn your partners unmentionables?No
Fallen asleep at work? Yes
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? No
Been fired? No
Been in a car accident? No
Pole danced or done a striptease? No
Loved someone you shouldn’t? Yes
Sang karaoke?Yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? No
Caught someone having sex? No
Kissed a perfect stranger?Yes
Shaved your partner? No
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No
Played chicken?Yes
Mooned/flashed someone?Yes
Do you sleep naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day?Yes
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day?Yes
Shot a gun? No
Gone outside naked? Yes

Thinking ahead

So far autumn has been pretty ok. A bit on the wet side, but then that has been this year all over, but reasonably mild. By the weekend though we are told we can expect some colder weather, with a bit of wind chill thrown in. i really need a new coat for winter and today, the day before payday, while out getting some lunch, i have seen a new coat i think i might buy for winter. As usual i was considering the usual things - will it be warm enough, the right colour, will it suit me? Today though i was wondering how it will look if i were to wear it with just bra (or perhaps a corset), stockings and suspenders underneath. Along with, perhaps a nice pair of long boots. What on earth has come over me? i may well make my purchase at the weekend, depending on how it looks on.

i think to be realistic it is going to be quite difficult to get together with Sir very frequently over the winter  months. His working hours are longer, the days themselves are shorter (well they are all the same length but daylight will be less), and that journey is no fun in the dark. i am running out of holiday that i can take, plus with changes ahead at work, i will need to be around as much as possible to stand the best possible change of still being in a job by April. Plus with the NHS changes, there will be less and less reason for me to ever have a day, much less a night away from home. i know opportunities will come up, but we have to be realistic.

Maybe we can chat on the phone and skype (not the same but sometimes you have to do these things). But i know this will mean it is difficult to feel quite so submissive as i can when we are together. So i am seeking a bit of advice here, from those of you who do more of this whole long distance stuff, or who have more experience. What can we do to keep things going through the long winter months? i am sure i will get the coat and i am sure i will wear it for him, but opportunities will be far and few between. Your thoughts are very welcome.

30 Days of Submission - Day 26

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

i think that probably i was looking for someone a bit different from the man with whom i live. There are certain aspects of the life i have here that i wouldn't wish to replicate. Plus truth be known, i was a woman of a certain age looking for fun. In my opinion i have been pretty successful. i wanted my dominant to be well dominant. i wanted him to tell, not ask and essentially that is what i get. i wanted him to help me to push the boundaries and that is what i got. 


The interesting thing though is that i didn't set out for an actual relationship, i was just looking for some fun online. But once we had chatted online and we moved onto the phone calls and once during those phone calls i did the things he instructed and loved it, i wanted more. Much more.


i wanted more sex, i wanted to try sex in ways i had never tried before, i wanted to submit. i wanted to dress for him, to parade myself for him, i wanted the humiliation and the excitement. i didn't know i wanted to be restrained, to be spanked, clamped. But i do.


What i also got was a fun, intelligent man. Someone to have a serious conversation with, to watch a film with, to discuss books with, even to visit a museum with! I also got a man who cooks a mean steak and who can be relied on to finish off the pudding i can't and shouldn't eat. 


i have learned not to prejudge what you want, but to expect the unexpected and to enjoy the moment. Hoping for some of those moments soon!

And on a lighter note........

Submissive Guide Blog Hop Challenge 13

This is the second Blog Hop Challenge i have taken part in. Go over to Submissive guide on 25th of the month to see who else has taken up LunaKM's challenge. This month's is as follows:

Do you have a safeword? When was the last time you used it? Are you afraid to say your safeword for fear of appearing weak? What are you indicators that a scene has gone too far and you need to safeword?

I have a safeword. On that first night in the hotel, where i had no safe call organsied, where no one knew where i was or who i was with, Sir gave me a safeword. I can't decide if i was foolish, naive or just trusting of my instincts that night. Others may consider me plain stupid, but though i was nervous in lots of ways i didn't believe myself to be in any kind of mortal danger. On that first night, i played the the safeword over and over in my mind but never came even close to using it. The fact that i could was enough. Since then, once or twice i have said the word in my mind but i have never needed to say it out loud.

The limits i thought i had at the beginning have been stretched and pushed. i never really thought i would be keen on pain of any kind, but it turns out that actually i am. At the time of the pain i might not think i am enjoying it, but my body tells me otherwise. What is more it definitely tells Him. He touches me on my pussy after he has been spanking me with his hand or with say the lead to my collar and he discovers that i am very wet. I didn't know that i would love to have my nipples or clit clamped but i do. I didn't know that i would love anal sex but i do. Thinking of anal, actually it is sometimes quite painful to begin with. I have often i have asked Him to slow down and once or twice to stop. But i have not needed to safeword. This is because of the trust and understanding between us.

i trust Him to keep me safe, to listen to my responses to his touch and actions and in turn i open myself up to him. i know i can safeword, but to be honest, right now i see no time when i am going to need to. i don't fear that using my safeword would make me seem weak, since i don't fear appearing weak to Him. i know i have struck lucky in finding Master as my first (and as far as i see right now only Dominant) but i can trust Him and that is all that i need to worry about right now.

30 Days of Submission - Days 24 and 25

When i started this whole 30 days of submission thing, i had an idea that i would get it all done and dusted in a month. I haven't even come close to doing that, but since i am now up to day 24, i guess i am not doing too badly. Here are today's offerings:

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

As others have said, this question is phrased in an odd way since it is not really clear that specific emotions allow access to submission. Surely it is something that you are or not. Having said that, i do try to get into a good 'mental space' to allow me to give myself completely to my Master. I have spoken before about preparing my body (shaving etc), applying makeup that i might not usually wear (e.g. red lipstick), stockings, heels, sexy underwear. These things help but are not essential since as soon as i am required to kneel or to get on all fours, or if he puts on my collar or starts to spank me, i am there. 

Sir has commented that sometimes i 'get in quite deep', and yes i do slip into what some might identify as subspace (i am no expert on this) and become quite emotional. This makes me feel very submissive and i would at that point do most things. It made a nice change this week when i saw Him, not to actually do that but to in effect keep my emotions (or wits) about me. submission can be emotionally draining and when you are physically tired as i was this week, that is not always what you need. 

Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

The most obvious item would be the collar. When i look at myself in the mirror while i am wearing it i see a submissive woman looking back at me. It is a real object, but also a symbol. i would like to be able  to wear something more of the time that signified to us both that i am his submissive and  maybe that is something we will do in the future. 

We don't have specific rituals, but there are things we do more often than not. kneeling, wearing the collar, sucking his cock. The order in which we do things, the things we do, the way we do them, these are all down to his preference. For once in my life, i don't have to decide. The choices are not mine. I place myself in his hands and i submit. That is the ritual and that's the bit i love so much.

Simple pleasures - with a hint of kink

One of the most satisfying things you can do for your man is to prepare and serve him a meal. Although we have been seeing each other for 6 months and have done many things together, until this week i had never done this. He is usually the one to cook for me because i am the one who often travels to see him, also i do all the cooking at home and He likes to make a point that being with Him is different. On Thursday though, i was able to arrive at his house quite a time before he was arriving home from work and so i offered to cook him dinner.

Traffic was pretty good that evening, so i arrived in pretty good time and headed to the local supermarket for supplies. Then with the lasagna prepared (chosen because it could be prepared in advance and popped into the oven while we got reacquainted) i went upstairs to get myself ready. New seamed stockings - no ladders, heels, some very naughty crotchless panties and my new purchase a cupless bra (not sure if you call it that). I am fascinated to know why it is, that the price of an item of clothing is inversely proportional to the amount of fabric contained within it. However it enabled me to show off my ample bosom nicely. i think he agreed, because he couldn't stop sucking my nipples and touching my tits when he arrived home.

With dinner in the oven, we played out a scene that we had planned - He had arrived to fix a leaking pipe in my bathroom, i was a housewife whose dressing gown did nothing to hide her slutty nature. i perched on the bath, legs open, revealing my pussy to Him. The pipe was already leaking less than me as i became increasingly wet, much to his pleasure when he ran his hand up my stockings and felt my newly shaved pussy. It had only been a week since he had last touched me there, but it already felt like an age. I melted to his touch and my knees wobbled under the strain of those high heels. In no time at all, i was on all fours on the bed. As he pushed his cock into my arse, there was a remote controlled egg buzzing away inside my cunt and attached to my clit was a clamp. i almost came with the overload of sensations alone! We always get off to a quick start when we are together but this pretty much beat the lot!

So, after a very brief rest, we ate dinner, He was suitably complimentary, and watched some TV. It was great to be together, to enjoy the simple pleasures that people enjoy when they are together more of the time. Back up in bed after dinner, things were less intense, more intimate. We were both tired after our day at work and we had a pretty early night because of that. What is more i had to get up and leave early yesterday morning to get to the place i was going with work. We were together for less than 12 hours, but i can tell you it was worth every second of it. I still have a smile on my face!

The girl above is obviously not me, she is too thin and her hair too red, though i once had hair that was quite red. The bra is similar to this in its colour, and the effect on her boobs is similar. Maybe i'll get Him to take a real picture for me next time!

30 Days of Submission - Days 22 and 23

Time to try to bring this series towards its conclusion, so days 22 and 23:

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

I never considered submission before all of this started and i have become more submissive because of it. If the relationship ended, i can't see i would just continue to be submissive as i would need someone to be submissive with or to. Hubby would love me to be submissive to him no doubt (we haven't discussed it) but he would just play on the domestic side of things and i have no desire for that kind of relationship. i already spend enough of my time doing all of the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc etc and i have no desire to extend that further. i guess i would have to work out what to do with my submissive feelings if and when the need arose. Right now though all is well, thank you very much.

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

It is very healthy to question your feelings i think and that is pretty much what i have done here over the last few months. i would like to have the opportunity to express my submission much more, but it is difficult in a longer distance relationship where you don't see each other each day. 

i respect the relationships others, who are in full time relationships with their Dominants, have. i am even envious of way in which the submissives are able to make themselves available at all times to their partner. As mentioned in the previous question, i don't really like the idea of domestic discipline (there is enough domestic drudgery going on here already), particularly in that i wouldn't want rules about what i was meant to do or the standards i should keep. That would never happen if i was with Sir full time anyway since i would be the one introducing some rules (he is playing the bachelor lifestyle to the full if truth be known). i am not keen on the idea of needles or blood (not my own, as being a nurse i have lots of experience of both relating to others), and some of the spanking blogs used to have me cringing slightly. But since i am turning into a bit of a spanking slut, i can't really say that any more. I have learnt over the months that submission is a moving feast of ideas to be embraced. Nothing wrong with that either!

Mind and body

Or maybe it is body and mind, i can't quite decide. On Thursday, while with Sir i had some pretty powerful orgasms. He really is getting to the core of what pretty much blows my mind and it seems he isn't afraid to do so. After 6 months we are beginning to know each other well, to know what each other likes, what is more, given the nature of this relationship He continues to push me to experience more and more sensations. This time there was more spanking, on my bottom and on my pussy. This time i wasn't restrained at all, but was expected to keep my body in the positions He told me to. When i cum i like to straighten my legs, as sensations increase within me, i love the feelings i get if  my legs are straight, i think it is reflexive in nature and i tend to go with that. This time he made me keep my legs apart during orgasm and while this was hard to do when not restrained the results were pretty good. He also did some amazing things to my clit - clamped it, nibbled and bit it which just sent me to another level. Yes it was painful, but it practically send me into orbit. As he said afterwards, i got pretty noisy! He is now convinced that i need my clit pierced; i am not sure i am brave enough to go to get such a thing done, but he has a point.

I don't think i realised, even at the beginning of this quite how powerful just the right amount of pain can be. Over time the level of pain can increase, while at the same time you just get more and more sexually aroused. He loves the fact that i am becoming such a pain slut, that i crave the spankings, the nipple and clit clamping it feels like he is turning me into some kind of sexual slave.

The end result though is that things start playing out in my mind. No doubt he will think i am going over board here, but there were moments on Thursday evening that i would have done anything he asked. Moments when i really truly felt like i was in love. I have said before that while this relationship isn't about love as such, i don't believe you can experience this level of stimulation without deep feelings of love. i am a little nervous of expressing these emotions here, but since this is my blog, and these were my feelings, i will. I am not saying that today in the cold light of day i am expressing the same feelings, but what i am saying is that BDSM relationships involve extreme levels of trust, they lead to levels of emotion that a person may not have experienced before and this can lead to the release some amazing feelings.

It was difficult leaving his house as i did at 7.30am on Friday. i needed sleep and i could have done with being held some more. But it is experiences like this that make the whole thing worthwhile, even if it never feels we have sufficient time together.

So.......

i think that it is true to say that right now my life is much too busy. This may well be short lived, but right now that is what i think. This is the first time i have sat on my own sofa since Wednesday evening, not that i haven't had a good time sitting on other sofas (or a even chaise longue) you understand.

After leaving Sir's on Friday morning, i spent the morning with my work colleagues at a conference (useful and interesting if a little gloomy about the future of our sector of the NHS, but that is another story entirely). i then drove home, collected hubby and some clothes etc, drove to the town when my son is at university and dropped off a ticket to a football match i had purchased for him (i am the softest mum ever) and on to our weekend away at a seaside town. Bearing in mind that Sir lives by the sea, i was grateful that when my parents invited us on this trip it was to entirely different seaside area (this is of course an island so the chance of that is high). I traveled though 7 English Counties that day, but got to see lots of roads, fields, cars and trucks. I had a great weekend, thanks for asking, but this madness makes Thursday night with Sir feel all the more like it took place a long long time ago!

However i will attempt to record some of what occurred here, since that is the purpose of this blog and i am already at least 100 words into this post.

I arrived slightly stressed. He wanted seamed stockings, so i stopped at motorway services to change from the ones i had worn all day, only to find them laddered. I added to this by putting my finger through them again. So i reverted to the pair i had arrived in, only to find that they too were laddered. Then just as i pulled up my boss phoned, and having missed the call i felt i should try to call her back but was unable to get through. Luckily for me He was taking no nonsense from me. I was soon on my knees sucking his cock. Shortly afterwards i was on all fours while he spanked me with the lead to my collar!

We have recently discovered that i respond very well when he slaps my pussy with whatever he happens to be using, to by the time i made it upstairs, i had a sore backside and sore but very wet pussy. He stripped me, except for stockings (he said the ladder was strangely fetching) and heels. Then applied nipple clamps, one of which some how very quickly made its way to my clit! Within about 30 minutes of my arrival he had allowed me to cum 3 times and had released himself within my arse (mind you it was the first time we had seen each other for a month).

Thankfully things slowed down from then on in. I will write more about that tomorrow when i have had some time to think about the whole thing a bit more from the comfort of my own sofa. All i can say is it was beyond fantastic and i am aiming for more of the same very soon. Maybe even this week if Sir can accommodate me!

Maintenance

I read a lot about maintenance, my fellow submissive bloggers discuss frequently how they need to be spanked frequently, or to follow particular rituals so that they can keep on the straight and narrow of submission. It is difficult to follow rituals when you are not living together and when you both lead busy lives, well you can follow rituals, but the other person doesn't know if you have carried them out. Also the Dominant would need to be very attentive, checking in for progress reports. Our relationship definitely isn't like that. Of course you can't receive maintenance spankings if you are not together either, unless you were to spank yourself at His behest, and to be honest that sounds a little on the weird side.

We haven't seen each other for around a month, and during that time i haven't been particularly submissive or slut like. i have been on holiday and while there i wore shorts or trousers every day. Even when i have worn a skirt, i have always worn underwear and not once have i been near a pair of stockings (though if it gets any colder something will need to be applied to my legs). I haven't even shaved my pussy (though other areas have been attended to). I have definitely got very lazy, which means that if He turned up on a white charger out of the blue i would need to rush to the nearest bathroom, quickly followed by my bedroom before i was ready for Him.

I am getting back into the right mindset for tomorrow's meeting. We have chatted over the last few evenings about the things we will do and where in His house these things will take place. We have discussed the punishment i might need (which may be ramped up a little after he reads this) and what form that might take. We have discussed what i will wear and how i will present myself the minute i get inside His front door. In the absence of regular 'maintenance' the ritual we have of talking through all of this stuff acts as a substitute. But probably i need a bit more of this to keep me on the right path, to keep me feeling like the submissive i am for more of the time.

Tomorrow is the day though and i am really looking forward to it. The good thing too is that afterwards i will have something to write about here and we can all be pretty glad about that!

30 Days of Submission - Days 20 and 21

After my holiday and the resulting period of navel gazing reflection what better way to get me back on the submission straight and narrow but the next installments of 30 days of submission? So here goes:

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Over the months since i first began to consider Dominance and submission in any serious kind of way and to practice elements of it, my submission has, as you might expect increased. This is of course part of the learning process i am going through with Sir as my tutor (as it were). But also writing this blog, reading the writings of others (real and fiction) has helped me to think about how i want to be as a submissive. One of the biggest things of course is the trust i need to place in Him when i am submitting to Him. Trust is something that develops over time, and as i increasingly place my trust in Him (whether that is about bondage, about the humiliating situations i submit myself to or whatever), i feel more submissive towards Him. It is almost as if when we are together, and in the middle of a scene, i can release myself completely to Him. I tend to over think, over analyse (who would have thought it?), but for increasing periods of time when we are together i can let all of that stuff go. Maybe that is why i am suddenly so reflective again - i just need to be with Him, submitting. Who knows?

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Any position where i have no or little control over what i can do feels submissive. Kneeling in front of Him, especially when i have just arrived and would prefer to be on my feet holding and being held while we kiss. On all fours on the bed or floor while he pushes his cock into me. Probably the most submissive thing for me though has been anal sex. I was curious before, but never imagined i would actually like it. It is hard to explain why that is, other than that it arouses me more than i could imagine and that, yes, it makes me feel ever more submissive. I love the power it feels that it gives Him. Plus it is something i have never done with anyone else and at present have no desire to do so. 

Reflections - Judgement

As you might expect, during my period away from home, from work and the daily chores of life i have had time to properly reflect on where i have got to in my life and in what i am currently doing in relation to seeing Sir. At the beginning of the holiday, there were numerous times when i wanted to have 'that' conversation with my husband. To tell him that i want something different from life, that i want...what? Trouble with me is i really do want it all. i am no longer sure i want to break up my marriage of getting on for 30 years unless i have a pretty good alternative. It is not the living on my own i wouldn't like, it is more the mess i would live behind and the fact i would need to find somewhere to live. i would lose friends, lose the respect of family and much more. i would really hurt hubby. The alternative (to doing nothing) is to come clean about the affair side of things and to seek an open relationship. This would be my preference, but of course, once i open my mouth to hubby there would be no turning back and i could find myself rapidly in scenario one. As the week went on, and we were able to talk, laugh and to have some fun (though no sex), i realised that perhaps for now it is best to keep the status quo. i don't really seek to change my life significantly, Sir lives quite a way away and my job and my family are here.

My biggest problem is that i hate the deception. i have been the one to be deceived and i didn't like it. In the past i have been able to hold the moral ground, as i could always say to hubby that whatever else i had done, i had never slept with another man. During the last 6  months though, i have had enough sex with another man to constitute 3 years of sleep! No moral ground for me now then! i hate the idea of being judged when all i am doing is finding something of myself in my 50th year. i feel i deserve that deep down, but trouble is that i know that life is not that simple. People will and do judge. People judge each other when they don't even really know each other, let alone when they are friends and family. We all have moral standards and values, and i am no different.

When i started this blog, i was very fearful of being judged by the community that i was seeking to enter; hence my disclaimer at the top of my blog. My take on this was that i judge myself already and don't actually need anyone who reads what i write to make those judgements too. Until now, i have found the BDSM blogging community to be pretty tolerant. Personally i love to read about the lives of my fellow bloggers, some of the things they have done have led me to consider new options for myself and Sir. Littleone and Fondles both bought corsets and then i got myself one which Sir loved. It is the stories of spanking which have led to more spanking taking place in my scenes with Sir (we have both read blogs where lots of spanking takes place). But there is plenty of what i read that i don't want for myself and Sir doesn't want for us. We may discuss some of these things, we make judgements. i wouldn't go to other peoples blogs and tell them that their choices are rubbish and that they are wrong to have taken them. i might join a discussion about them, but when i write comments i try to be kind. i have without exception, found people commenting here to be kind people. Some of those who do comment (i am making a judgement here), probably disagree with the idea of me having an affair while still married to hubby and while he is in the dark about things. But if they do then they don't show it and for that i am grateful. This doesn't mean that people have to agree with what i or others say, people can and do express their thoughts but tact and kindness is key.

Since i am still on leave from work, and hubby is not, i had plenty of time yesterday to catch up with all the reading i had missed on my favorite blogs. i was surprised and upset by the events over the past few days at finding my submission where judgements were expressed in an unpleasant way. i am pleased to say that many fellow bloggers showed their support for sin and that those events led to a number of posts by sin, aisha and sfp at jumping on in about blogging and the extent to which we provide a support group for each other and don't judge when perhaps we should, about anonymity and about having opinions but just being nice about them. As usual, something not so pleasant has led to lots of discussion. Trouble is, that in the original post, sin was trying to express some concerns about her relationship with her Master which like mine is extra marital. Those concerns got lost in lots of other valuable discussion, but left sin and others feeling wounded (i am making a judgement based on what i have read). So i guess that after this long ramble what i am saying is, by all means judge, but be nice when you do it, and don't forget the original message.

Back

France was great, though the weather on some days was less sunny and warm than i may have liked. I managed to swim in the sea though and to walk miles. I also ate some very good food and drank some lovely wine. Back to the diet asap! My world has been refreshingly vanilla. I make no excuses for admitting that other than a few email exchanges with Sir and some thoughts about what He might choose to do with me in those surroundings (slutty escapades in the outdoors, making use of the slatted railings to the mezzanine floor which served as our bedroom to name two) I have been in relaxing mode. I can't really explain how tired I felt before i left these shores, but it was very weary indeed.

I feel pretty refreshed, well i would be but Sir suggested an early morning skype this morning and i was too eager to see him to say no (not that i am good at turning him down at the best of times). We haven't done the skype thing before, and i was a bit reticent about him seeing me when i had only just woken up. But then i thought, how silly, he has seen me when asleep, let alone newly woken! We were a little naughty on there, but what are two adults to do when they haven't laid eyes on each other for 3 weeks and have another week to go.

One of the best things about having been away, with limited contact to each other is knowing that we have missed each other. It does the heart good to know that while i have been thinking about him, he has also been thinking of me. It reminds me of how much he means to me now, and what i mean to him. Counting down now to next Thursday. Much more of that in the days to come....