Am I the only one who didn't see?

Today I had lunch with my sister in law, Well the ex wife of one of my brothers. Our son's, cousins, are best friends and grew up together. We have more in common than we have differences in our lives these days, despite difficult times in the past. She told me that I look well, happy and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This is interesting, since this week has been a struggle. I am tired, have been very very down. Plagued with hot flushes, and mood swings, this has been a difficult week and it is only Wednesday.

She told me that she wondered how I have remained in this marriage for so long. She told me that I deserve to be happy.

Last week, on her birthday my mum asked me not to bring hubby to her small gathering. She told my brother that he has made her daughter unhappy for years and she didn't want him there for her birthday.

I have heard a number of stories now, that he hit on other people as well as the affair he had early on in our marriage. The relationship he has now, which he says is platonic, has gone on longer than he originally admitted. To think that I spent so long worrying about my infidelity currently seems crazy.

Time after time, I hear that people are pleased I have made this change. That they can see I am now happy, where as for years I was not.

For years, I was pretty miserable. I thought no one saw. I never reached out because I thought it was a burden I should carry alone. I thought no one would understand.

For all the sadness I have felt this week, I sense I am close to happiness. I see my freedom within a hare's breath.

I feel sad now that I waited so long. But then again, since I didn't actually know what I needed, I am not sure I should feel that way.

Still, why did no one say any of the things they say now?

No more

Yesterday I had a bad day and the origins of it can be found in the amount of sleep I had. Every weekend I am able to unwind, to relax and to sleep. When I am with Master, I am able to do those things to a greater extent. He is a man who likes His sleep, likes nothing more than to stay in bed late and I am coming to enjoy that too. But part of the reason for this (other than being close to Him), is that I am seriously sleep deprived all week. Master and many people who visit this place know that is the case, and the reasons for it. He and they have given me the benefit of their wisdom on this matter. But until now, I have been unable, unwilling even to face it. But this must stop.

Yesterday started badly and other things which happened through the day just made it worse. Things that I should have been able to manage, things I should have been able to just ignore. But the original cause was a restless night knowing hubby would turn up and then the usual 4.30am early call. A late night on Sunday meant I did manage to get back to sleep briefly, but to be frank, none of my sleep had been of a good quality.

Last night I went to bed early and slept well. Until 4.30am when hubby walked in. This morning though there has been no more sleep. He apologised for waking me and of course I said it was ok. BUT, it was NOT ok.

Another conversation is needed and a change is required. This behaviour cannot go on. I refuse to go through another week where I am woken like this. I refuse to have that man invading what is now my personal space, to do something which obviously makes him feel better. Time for yet more action.

Difficult conversations

Right now, my life if full of them.

Last week I had to deal with hubby's inability to move forward with what needs to happen to end our relationship. As I feel stronger and more secure in myself (and right now, I do),  I see it is the perfect time to get certain things out in the open. Plus as summer draws on, there is a realisation, that if I don't deal with things now, we will be in a new year before something happens.

Today, I took my parents out for lunch. Dad told me that every few days he feels just a little weaker, a little less able to do things. Today I noticed his difficulty in getting out of a chair after sitting a little too long. He told me about throwing an apple down the garden to frighten a cat (I know this isn't kind, but it is dad) and watching the fruit plop down just a short distance away. This from a formerly strong man who bowled for a local cricket team. He told me he just stood and laughed, so amazed by his own lack of strength. Discussions also touched on what to do with his car after he dies (mum doesn't drive), his life insurance and probate for his will. These conversations are difficult for us all, but we recognise that they need to happen. Dad observed that not everyone in the family is as willing as me to discuss these matters and the fact that we are able to is helping them both.

I have been a nurse for over 30 years and during that time I was a district nurse who cared for many patients at the ends of their lives. It is easy, as a member of the medical or nursing profession to think you know all about the process and the feelings that go with it. I find however that that is not the case. On some days I can use my experiences to help advise and support (especially when it comes to dealing with medical matters), but on others and increasingly it is difficult.

Of course these conversations are not unique to our family or indeed to me. Right now, though I am grateful to be able to have them. Not everyone does.

Reflecting on last night

It is hard to express how difficult I found it to take charge of a situation such as was necessary yesterday. Every aspect of the time spent out with hubby screamed at me as something I didn't want to do. It isn't that I didn't want to face facts, to accept that I need to move things on. It was that I was made to act in a way that is increasingly becoming alien to me. Every day at work I handle situations that require me to take the lead, that is not an issue. Likewise there are family situations where I need to do the same. But when it comes to relationships, the acknowledgement that I am submissive makes it increasingly challenging to act as I did.

At the forefront of my mind now, it that I need, indeed am required to consider my Master and to think about whether he would approve of and be proud of my actions and behaviours. Last night was no exception.

Hubby continues to struggle with the whole idea that we cannot just live as we are - a kind of part time arrangement where 2 or 3 nights a week we spend time in the same house and even still the same bed. Meantime he lives elsewhere, with a woman he claims is just a friend. A friend who, it turns out he has been seeing for over 18 months and who he met through a trip organised by people I formerly worked with. Trips he took last year, claiming to be with male friends, were with her. But, they are just friends........

There were tears (not mine), there was anger (not mine), there was pleading (not by me). I was calm and controlled. I retained my composure throughout. However, I wanted to walk away from the situation, I wanted to be allowed to cry, to seek reassurance. I didn't because, at all times I was considering that I needed to do what I promised Master I would.

So we have agreement that we will work on the house and that work will be shared. Then we will put the house on the market and begin the process. Sadly I felt unable to say "by the way, can you move yourself and your belongings into the spare room and do it tonight". But I have a plan about that for the near future.

This morning, hubby has texted to apologise (yet again) for the way he behaved. I suggested we keep talking about what we need to do. 

Master is proud of how I am dealing with this situation and because I trust his judgement, I too am happy. I have some momentum now and I intend to keep it going. 

On the cusp

Today feels really important.

Today is the day, I finally feel strong enough to do what needs to be done.

Today is the day I get together with hubby to sort out how we will end things - there are some practical things that need to be done in relation to the house, garden etc.)

This week members of my family have helped me see that it is time, and that has helped my resolve strengthen.

Plus I have the guidance and support of Master to spur me on. He wishes me to be composed in my actions.

I needed to record these things on this blog today, this is after all a journal of my journey.

A journey that started here 2 years and 4 months ago, but has it's roots in the history of our marriage.

I know who I am, who I wish to be. There is no going back, and I am happy to walk forward into a new part of my life, whatever that brings with it.

6 Months

Friday was the 6 month anniversary of the day I met a man in a pub for a drink. That day was cool and damp. The UK had been 'enjoying' one of the wettest winters on record and the roads around that village were flooded. We took a little walk around the village to look at the sights - The main attraction, the house of a famous author and playwright was closed for the winter. The two local churches (one ruined), were open and we walked around. The man I met on that day, now my Master, says He felt my submission as we strolled, as He touched me and as we kissed. Certainly something happened.

A couple of weeks ago we returned. We had arranged to meet my friend Destiny and her Master for lunch. We got there early and went to the famous author and playwright's house. It was a beautiful summer's day. We wandered around and we sat in the beautiful gardens. As is His way, Master stroked his girl's leg as we stood or sat together. He likes to remind me of who I am and who owns me at times like that. Of course, I wore no underwear on that second time, and was accessible to Him at all times, that is a rule.

The lunch meeting was pleasant, this was the first time we had all met in real time. It was fun getting to know each other properly and to chat. 

Afterwards we all walked around the church yards and into the churches, Master and I spoke of that day, 6 months before. Master reminded me that He felt my submission on that day, a submission that has grown and that we both feel so intensely now. There were quite a few people around, including of course our friends, but there were times on that afternoon that I felt that we were truly the only people  in that beautiful place. 

On Thursday night, probably already after midnight, we spoke of the journey I have taken since that day, February 1st. We spoke of the ways in which I am different - calmer, more measured in my approach to things. We spoke of my submission which is deeper than it has ever been.

I can't say how glad I feel I met the man I now call Master and that we found something we both needed inside of us both. 

Not just a label

I have been troubled over the last few days by a comment on a forum which appeared on my Fetlife page this week. It was written by a 'friend' who in fact is someone I have met, though not seen in a while and was on a forum where people can ask questions of bottoms / submissives / slaves. This person identifies as a Dominant, something he has reiterated to me on a number of occasions. In his response (to a question about the difference between a bottom and a submissive), he entered into something of a rant about definitions of types of submissive suggesting that in fact they are just a label for the same thing. The person in question states that all a Dominant and submissive in a relationship need is to define for themselves how that relationship should be and then leave it at that.

Ok, so in a way the last bit is fine. It is after all a personal relationship choice. But what if, over a period of time, a person has discovered that actually what she calls herself has become less of a label, a choice even and more a discovery of who she is.

2 years ago, I had recognised the submissive in me, another had recognised that too. That submission was only really allowed to fully emerge during play, but increasingly I became aware of its presence at other times. It has always been there, but I had not really realised it. Even then, I recognised my submission and my partner's Dominance as more than a label. At around that time, when I first met the Fetlife 'friend', he told me he had identified himself as dominant for many years.

Fast forward to today and I am identifying myself as slave. This isn't because I decided I needed a new label, wanted to in some way choose something new for myself. I identify myself in that way because I and another have discovered that is who I am. Of course, I am not just any slave, I am the slave of another person - Master. The voyage of discovery I have recently been on, has on one hand been enlightening, a positive experience, but at the same time it has been painful. The realisation that I need to serve another, that I need to put myself in their hands, need to be owned, possessed and put
their needs before my own fulfils needs I didn't know I had. It is also frightening. Giving up control bit by bit, until you no longer have it to own can make you feel like you are falling head first over a cliff. The need to recognise your own behaviours and modify those that the person who owns and controls you seeks to change can feel odd. It can make you do and say things that you know you will regret. But the knowledge deep inside you that this is what you want, what you actually need drives you on.

I have discovered that my need for submission is not about play, about pain, about sex even, (though all of those play a part), but about the way in which I am compelled to give up control of my whole self to Him and for His part He is compelled to take. I know I exist for His pleasure and He knows I will obey Him, I will follow His rules. This exchange of power is what makes this different, it is that which means it is not a game, that I am His slave, not some kind of label.

New focus

It is a couple of weeks since I decided to take a break and a little longer since I posted properly here. I am ready to return, but will be trying to focus on myself, my journey and things that are important to me.  In the few weeks before my break, I had struggled for topics. But also I felt constrained by the knowledge that this is a public place and therefore can be read by anyone. I was finding some aspects of communication with my Master difficult and was also struggling in the relationship His other slave  and I are trying to form.  This was not and still is not the place to do that. This is a place for me to express myself and my feelings, to consider my progress, my journey.

My blogging break when it came was as the result of an event. With my permission (perhaps some would say misguided), I gave permission for Master's slave  (who from now on I will refer to as k), to read my blog. At the same time I was allowed to read her journal.  Not surprisingly, we both became upset about some of the things we read. After all these are personal accounts and they involve relationships with the same man. What is more, she and I have not actually met yet.

I felt that I should at that point rethink this blog and whether I continued with it in a public place, made it private or indeed closed it all together. Master and I discussed this issue at some length and I came to the decision to take a break and at the same time, create a place for He and I to communicate with each other. This has proved successful, and has meant I can write things I have not been able to articulate into spoken words and allow those thoughts to be discussed between us.

k and I have also spent time trying to get to know each other, to try to avoid the misunderstandings which can occur when you are learning to trust each other as we are. I don't deny this is an ongoing journey for us both, but I think we are both moving to a different place in terms of our relationship with each other and the trust we need to have.

So, I return to my blog. I will continue to write and I continue to follow this journey.

A short break

I am going to take a short blogging break while I consider the purpose of writing here.

For the past few weeks I have been a bit concerned that I have lost track of the reasons I started this, which was about my own journey to become the person I want and need to be. It is not about specific events or issues but about how I as a person manage and deal with them.

Master and I have discussed this, and I am going to take a new approach, to write in a different private place first. This is so that I can write freely, without worrying that it appears publicly on the web. Once I have cleared my head of some of the issues I need to do that with, then I feel I will be able to return, refocused.

I am still around, still reading, still here........

Kinks and fetishes

Master has given me the task of blogging about my kinks and fetishes. I have written about all of them in this blog in the past, but this will give me the opportunity to go into much more detail.

There is no doubt that life in the kinky world has moved quickly for me, since my first encounters in April 2012. I was lucky to meet a man who made his fetishes clear to me and then who pushed my boundaries to achieve them. I have to admit the first time he called me a slut, or a whore, I wasn't sure  I exactly liked it. But what was clear was that being called those names turned me on. So in no particular order:

Humiliation and exhibitionism - I am putting these together, because even though it is not always the case so often they have taken place at the same time. Wearing clothes I wouldn't usually wear, perhaps without underwear can be both liberating and at the same time humiliating. Being out with Master while wearing  a short and revealing dress turns me on. I love the idea that others might look at me and think me a slut, I am willing to expose myself for Him, and to stand in a way that He can touch me up in a public place. I find it exciting, thrilling and shameful all at the same time. Sometimes though, I have been meeting Him somewhere and for example might have been to buy shoes. I am aware of my body at all times, the fear that i might need to bend over, might trip and my body be seen is scary but exciting. I love to be told how dirty I am, I love also to be made to express myself in words I wouldn't usually wish to. To use the words whore, slut, cunt in ways that I know turn Him on and in doing so do the same to me. To have those words written on my body and to see them in the mirror as I dress in the morning is also a big turn on. I am not sorry that Master doesn't have the same fetish for heels and stockings as S did. While I like the feel of the stockings, they are often too short, as I am tall. Of course, I would never have objected if that had been what He had wanted from me.

Being touched, played with, or even having sex out doors, especially in a public place is a big turn on for me. I love the feel of the air on my skin and the risks associated with being discovered doing something that is essentially taboo.

Anal play - I have written here quite a bit about the thrill Anal sex gives me. It feels on the one hand the most intimate thing, the biggest turn on and on the other something shameful (back to the humiliation thing). Increasingly I can orgasm without stimulation elsewhere, while having anal sex. What is more, the very presence of a butt plug, can be calming and settling. It helps put me into the most amazing head space. I have my new, larger plug at home and am very much looking forward to getting to know it much more intimately.

Restraint - I love to be restrained, especially when I have had a lot going on in my life, when I am tense. I love my legs to be restrained in the spreader bar, to have my arms tied (though I am less keen on handcuffs as they can be uncomfortable). If I am also blindfolded and gagged, then all the better. I love the way in which all of those things heighten your senses and make it hard to know what is exactly being done to you and with what toy.

Recently I have discovered that multiple orgasms, forced or otherwise, can have the effect of making me feel as though I am restrained, when I am not. This feeling helps my submission, especially when again I have been somewhat stressed for whatever reason.

Nipple play - My nipples have always been sensitive, but since I had them pierced you can multiply that 10 fold. I love when He plays with them in a public place or gives them a quick squeeze. I love them played with during sex, and I found out last week that it is possible to cum with no stimulation other than having your breast squeezed. I love also to play with  my own nipples and when alone, I do.

Pain - I am something of a pain slut, but not a masochist by any stretch of the imagination. Having said that, the more turned on I am, then the more pain I can tolerate. Especially if Master has taken a reasonably slow approach, perhaps starting with the violet wand and moving up through various paddles, crops and whips. Pain on my cunt, my tits and my legs are as good for me as on my bottom and back though.

Orgasm control, forced orgasms - The most amazing thing ever in my book is the hitachi, to be forced against your will (if indeed it was against my will) to cum multiple times with that wonderful toy is one of the best things. Closely followed by being able to cum just because someone tells you to. Luckily for me, Master likes me to cum and considers it an important thing, that orgasms are released and given to Him. Giving up that control was the first thing I did for Him and it is probably what got me to where I am now.

Cock worship - I am not sure this is a fetish or kink, since doesn't every woman do this? Maybe not, since I didn't in the past. The D/s dynamic gives a whole new perspective; He wants you to get down before Him and take Him, you want to, since you love His cock so much. Whatever, I do actually worship His very cock.

Have I missed anything? This might be a post that I need to add to......