behaviour change

This girl met Sir in an internet chat room. In that place this girl chatted, not only with Him but with a number of people. This girl has found that she loves to flirt, to scene with Dominant men. That whole thing gives this girl an enormous thrill, even though it is not real life. She likes nothing more than to make out (and sometimes it is real) she is really turned on by a man online. Occasionally though someone you play with online resonates in real life. This happened with Sir and it happened quickly.

This girl can no longer play. She can flirt a little and she can chat, but she can't scene online with a man who isn't Sir. He hasn't told her she must not play. But anyhow, she cannot.

But it doesn't stop at cyber play. The feelings being in this relationship with Sir bring to the fore in this girl run much deeper. If a submissive woman of a certain age lets it be known on certain websites that she is available, she will receive many approaches. This girl understands that. So, given she is not currently looking for a relationship she has changed her profiles, however it is interesting that so many men still make an approach. This might be because unless you declare yourself in a D/s relationship you are game, or maybe these men just cannot read.

Whatever, not only does this girl not want to play online, but she doesn't want to be approached by random men looking for an easy woman.

Why doesn't this girl just quit those sites (as she has done before)? Well actually she has a number of friends she wishes to continue to communicate with in those particular places.

Why don't Sir and this girl openly embrace their status (whatever that is)? Well actually that is not how they wish to play this relationship. And whose business is it anyway?

This girl will always be grateful for the internet and the things she has learned about D/s and BDSM there. But that doesn't make her open to all comers. Plus, if she knocks people back, it isn't because Sir has told her not to do something, rather it is because she and she alone has decided it isn't what she wants.

At the moment she has what she wants and what she needs. She has that in real life.

New friends however at always welcome.

Signs of commitment

The idea of piercings is not a new one for this girl. A year or more ago, S and this girl discussed the possibility.  This girl thinks that if he had been committed she would have gone ahead, after all it is something she knows she would love.

Graeme wants this girl to have her body pierced. This girl wants to have her body pierced.

This girl's body belongs to Him now and so, she would have those piercings for Him. There is little she wouldn't do for Him right now.

We are talking both nipples and clitoral hood.

But, this is important. On one level it is about having metal pushed through some intimate places, so that in itself is serous for the person who in reality owns that body. By the that this girl means the one who will suffer the pain, and of course ultimately the pleasure.

On another level this is quite symbolic.

Neither Graeme, nor this girl think that collaring are the right thing for them. This is not a never say never kind of thing, it is about what is right for their situation at this moment (taking account of other relationships etc).

Piercing though to both Graeme and this girl feels like a way He can proclaim His ownership and she can give herself more formally to Him.

When it is done, this girl will say a little more.

Happy girl

That is what this girl is; happy.

After the frustrations of Thursday and my post on Friday, things were soon sorted out. In fact He texted this girl before he had read my blog on Friday morning, suggesting He come over on Friday night. Of course this girl jumped at the chance.

Sometimes this girl wonders why she gets so wound up by a situation, though tiredness last week probably didn't help. Work is busy and challenging and this girl is exhausted by Friday. The good news is from May 1st she is reducing her hours and will only work a four day week. This is going to be important moving forward for all areas of this girl's life.

This girl cooked dinner on Friday night and then Sir and this girl spent some time chatting and generally groping. There was some very good sex later in the evening. The chat did cover the problems that occured on Thursday and earlier in the week. This girl knows she should deal with them before they get on top of her and will definitely try to do that. What is more, Sir spanked this girl at the beginning of the evening, and that definitely put this girl back into her submissive place.

Before meeting Sir, this girl was invariably up early on weekend mornings, after all what was there to keep her in bed? Weekend mornings with Sir are somewhat different.

This girl no longer needs to jump out of bed. She is not restless or in any hurry to start the day, rather she is happy to just be with Him. In whatever way He pleases her or she is able to do the same for Him, she is just happy to be there. This is definitely new to this girl.

This girl is by nature someone who is often considering the next thing she must do, while still finishing off what she is doing now. It is interesting then, that being in Sir's presence has such and effect on her. That his very being, puts her into her submissive space. That she is so calm.

This girl has grown used to being in that place of a weekend. On Thursday night she thought she would see little of Him over the weekend and that because of that, she would find it difficult to get into the right submissive space. This perhaps made her a little bratty. It turned out something different happened. But since they can't always be together this girl needs to think about how to be a happy submissive sub at the weekends even when He is not there with her.

The piercings this girl intends to get in 2 weeks time will help. But that will be another story.

Communication

I am beginning to think that perhaps I am really terrible at communicating. That I don't express myself properly to those around me, that perhaps what I think should be said and indeed, has been said has actually happened in my head. That even when I try to communicate with those around me, the responses are not what I want or expect and so perhaps I apply my own interpretation to them.

This week, I have spent one evening with hubby. We have texted a little, but are no closer to understanding where we are going. I apply my understanding - that very soon we will have ceased to be husband and wife. He applies his - that if we see little of each other then at some point soon I will change my mind. Most mornings this week, he has crept in a 5ish, got dressed for work, laid down beside me and then half an hour later left, without speaking. He doesn't speak, as I told him I hated being disturbed at that kind of hour. But what I really meant was - don't turn up at 5 in the morning, I don't want you here at all and certainly not then. Have I actually told him that? I thought I had, but perhaps not!

My communication with Graeme this week, has mainly been one way. I leave him a message on yahoo, he doesn't respond. I leave another. I text him, he doesn't respond. He sends me a text, I reply with 2 or 3. He has been preoccupied all week with other things in his life. I have anxieties about those distractions that make me fearful, but of course I struggle to express this.

I miss the constant communication we seemed to have a week or two ago, but have I actually discussed with him how we might best communicate and when? No, of course not. We skyped the other evening for quite a long time and of course that should be sufficient, but is it? Of course not. Have I told him this? No.

Last night we were out together, we were seeing what was a great film from the silent era. Sadly the film was ruined for us both by some loud, live music which didn't fit the film one bit. He was much more irritated and disturbed by this whole thing than I was, and so we spent time we might have discussed other things talking about that. Then at dinner, a couple next to us appeared to be more interesting to him than me. He couldn't help it, but was tuned to their conversation and spent much of the time wondering what they were saying and why, as well as fussing about her accent which kept changing.

I returned home frustrated unhappy. My lovely evening hadn't gone to plan. The time I thought I would be getting as mine, was not.

How will I communicate better so that I am clearer and so that I don't end up quite so unhappy about the way I have tried to communicate?

I guess we will have to talk things through. I guess I need to do that in both of these relationships - otherwise it won't just be the marriage that is doomed to failure!

Sir - is it me?

Submissive self

There doesn't seem to be too much to say about this week, except that this girl's emotions are a bit up and down and that she feels rather weary from a busy working week. This girl has been thinking about those emotions and about her submission.

Sir feels that this girl made a lot of progress with her submission over last weekend, quite in what way he hasn't exactly said. But for this girl it feels that it was less about spending hours in subspace and more being in a space where she was her submissive self. There are subtle differences about these two states. In subspace this girl feels not quite in control of herself, she is a little vague and vacant and struggles to make decisions because of that. In submission space, this girl feels that she has handed control over to Him but that she can function, can make decisions where they need to be made. It is more that in His presence she is the person they both want her to be. She is a submissive.

This has led this girl to think about how she is away from Sir, during the normal working week and the extent to which she can be more like this submissive person in normal life. Yesterday at a meeting,  this girl reverted back to her previous self. She spoke over someone and for that received a look which was not dissimilar to one she might have received from Sir. What is more, she felt chastised and a little ashamed, as she might if it had been Him. There was no need for her to have done what she did and she has reflected on this and other elements of that meeting. It is not about being door mat like during the meeting, she had ample opportunity to get her point across and did. But actually perhaps the person this girl feels she is while submissive, it more like the person she wishes others to see. Certainly, when sitting at her desk, getting on with work, this girl feels that she is more able to function well and to focus on her work if she acts more like her submissive self. 

When this girl thinks back to her younger days, she realises she wasn't always the person who dominates conversations, who appeared confident to others and who was overtly extrovert. Ok so she likes the sound of her own voice and always has, but previously this was only evident when in a safe situation, perhaps with friends. Gradually, the work roles this girl has performed and the way in which she has had to take control (or thought she did), at home has changed the way in which this girl behaves in a variety of places and ways. Finding her submission is making this girl reassess the person she really is and the way in which she wishes to be seen by others.

Over the weekend, this girl thought about how her mood tends to drop on Tuesdays when she knows she faces an evening with hubby. This girl and Sir discussed what she might do about this and she came up with the idea of wearing her butt plug for the evening to help her focus on who she was.  During Tuesday afternoon, this girl felt herself drop and on the way home, Sir reminded her about what she needed to do. This strategy certainly seemed to work. Immediately the plug was in place, she felt calmer and more focused on her submissive self. This in turn helped her manage the evening with hubby. It also made her feel horny for Sir, and in turn that helped her focus. 

Sir has had some other things on His mind  this week and He hasn't been able to spend so much time interacting with this girl. At times she has felt a little neglected and in the past might have had something to say to Him about this. However, this girl has tried to think through things from his point  of view and to consider His needs over her own. After all, if this girl is to be Graeme's submissive she needs not to put her own needs first for a change. 

This blog

On 21st of April it will be the 2nd anniversary of my first post. i started this blog to document a personal journey and for the first few months that was exactly what it was. i wrote what i was experiencing and pretty much no one read it. But then gradually, as i explored the submissive blogosphere and left comments, so people came here and did the same. Then after a few months i told S about this place (though he found it around the same time accidentally) and so he also read my posts. Generally speaking he found the whole thing a turn on, not surprising as i wrote more about sex than about my true feelings.

Of course i have documented the way in which my marriage has deteriorated over time. i have spoken of the pain of having to tell your husband you are unfaithful and the difficulties in helping him come to terms with both that and that the things you do with others are not something you want to share with him. As much as possible, i have tried to be honest about who i think i am and my journey to get there.

Last summer i exposed my raw pain and then my joy at finding a new kind of relationship with S. True that after last summer, i was much much more careful about what i wrote and perhaps during that time i was playing a little to the crowd (as it were)

Now though, things are different.

i told Graeme about this place within a few days of us meeting and since then He has read not only what i had previously written but everything since. He has begun to use it as a way of gauging how i am feeling about different emotions and He and i discuss what i write.

When i write now, i definitely write for me. i write about me, about my hopes, fears and definitely my feelings. i also write knowing he will read it.

Even so, i often write in the moment. When feeling particularly submissive or even in subspace. While i edit punctuation i never actually significantly change anything i write. As with me as a person, what you see is what you get.

This is a different blog post than the one i intended to write. But after my conversation with Sir this evening it seems appropriate and hey it just came to me!

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Yesterday while this girl was at Sir's house, hubby returned home here. This girl is pleased to say that she feels she handled the situation well and while she has experienced some of his usual self centred texts today she has in the main stayed firm (with help from Sir of course).

A version (not as good as this one) of this song was playing on the radio as this girl drove home from the supermarket. It made this girl think about her weekend with Sir and some of the times they spend together. Perhaps a message in a blog post?

Orgasmic

This girl was a late starter to the experience of the orgasm. Sadly she has been married all these years to a man who has never quite worked out his role in giving pleasure to a woman. for years this girl tried to teach him what he needed to so, but since she herself was a novice it was not surprising that she failed. For some time, before she discovered the value of Mr Rabbit, this girl experienced orgasms while asleep, during dreams and would wake up with her pussy throbbing. however this girl was in her 40's before she experienced an orgasm given to her by a man. This girl had a relationship for a couple of years with a man who was unable to have full sex. For a while, the ability he demonstrated with his fingers, was pretty much all this girl thought she wanted. But as she began to explore what other experiences might be out there she knew that this wasn't enough. The relationship with S, taught this girl something of submission, pain and humiliation and their relationship with orgasm. For the first time this girl began to understand the power of this phenomena and what it could mean for her general sense of well being.

This girl was allowed pretty much free range to orgasm at will with S. At the beginning of their time together, there was some control of this girl's orgasms at times when they were not together, but this did not continue. S loved this girl to cum and did little to control orgasms even when they were together, though at times he did instruct her to hold back.

In reality the way in which Sir controls this girls orgasms may not be massively different to her previous experience. After all, Sir also loves this girl to cum and she is allowed to cum an awful lot. He knows that the experience of her orgasm puts this girl into a very good place and He feels that if she needs to cum she should. But it really does feel different to this girl.

Sir owns this girl's orgasms and she must ask for them, unless He has already said that she may cum at will (which He does if this girl is not going to be able to speak or he expects she will need to cum lots). What is more he now tells her to cum and some how this girl does. Every time this girl cums, she must thank Him and tell Him that the orgasm belongs to Him.

Sir has been training this girl to cum at his will. To begin with He would count while he was stroking her, gradually increasing the number within that count. Then He started to just rest His hand on this girl's pubes and demand she cum. For some reason it seems that this girl is able to cum on demand in this way in His presence.

But it isn't just orgasm control or orgasm on demand that is very different. It is the way in which this girl feels that they contribute to her submission. How they help her focus on Him and on His needs, how they calm her and make her into His girl. Then how they help put her into subspace and how that then deepens her submission and makes her focus on Him and His needs. And so on.

This weekend, Sir has been given many many orgasms by this girl, when they spent two nights and a whole day yesterday together. This girl was also lucky enough to have been played with by Sir yesterday afternoon. She became reacquainted with the violet wand and the Hitachi. This girl was able to orgasm while receiving many different painful stimuli, probably assisted by a little bondage.  Over the weekend this girl has also experienced orgasms with her Sir's cock deep inside her. These orgasms are definitely different from the ones forced with or without touch and those that occur with the use of the Hitachi.

This girl thinks she may be a little addicted to orgasms but then she is also addicted to her submission, especially she feels that state deepen. Perhaps also she is also addicted to Sir Graeme!

Looking ahead

This has been one hell of a week.

this girl started the week on such a high. As Sir and this girl discussed today,  she hadn't been as happy for as long as she can remember.  The trip to France had been such fun and well, a time of rest and relaxation. Plus a time of multiple orgasm and cock worship. It was a special time for them both. The less than 'south of France like weather' only helped them to focus on each other. Sir and this girl had good food and wine. They visited great places; both of them sharing previous experiences of that particular part of the world.

It was a shock then that this girl dropped so rapidly. Not only that, but that by last night, she had fallen further than she thought could be possible. It would be true to say that she felt somewhat despondent? Should she give up on getting hubby to understand how she felt, should she even stop seeing Sir?

this girl did something she has never done before. She skyped with Sir when hubby was in the house. What is more, first hubby walked in and then he eavesdropped on the conversation. But to be honest (and only time will tell), the penny has dropped. Hubby now knows how miserable this girl is in the relationship she has with him. she is now both sure and determined that while this road still has a long way to go, at least they have moved forward.

So, tomorrow is Friday.

this girl has a weekend of happiness to look forward to.

On Monday this girl posted about her submission and was ready to talk about her orgasms for the next post. this girl had so so so many orgasms when she was in France and on Saturday and Sunday. What is more, Sir has been training this girl to cum at his will. With a great deal of success too, this girl might add.

It is sometimes hard for a girl to get her head around the idea that counting to 5, 10, 15 or 20 could have the final effect it does. That telling someone she is a good girl could have the results it seems to. But this girl has to say the results are amazing. this girl is very much enjoying the control Sir has over her in this area. this girl has much more to say on this subject, but thinks that it might be nice to tell the story when she is in a really happy subspace again.

this girl is looking ahead and knows that next time she posts here she will be in that place.

Journey page has been updated

Yesterday

i have rarely had such a difficult day to deal with. But it is over now, and i can look back on it. There is no guarantee that these kinds of stresses won't happen again, but i guess there is more chance that you can cope if they have happened before.

Previous episodes of sub drop have been quite gradual, this was sudden. On Monday night i was flying high; my blog post demonstrates that (as has been pointed out to me). On Tuesday morning i read a short message left on yahoo and by the time i reached work a couple of hours later i felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world. i was angry, bitter, upset and very very sad. It was late afternoon before i spoke to Sir, and our conversation definitely helped. This was as well since at 6.30 i was due to have my first counselling session regarding my marriage.

The last thing i needed yesterday was to be thinking about my relationship with Sir and His with the other lady. Instead i was consumed with them. While high on Sunday night, i had let down my guard with her and had said some things that upset her (not intentionally). In turn i have now been seriously upset, the apparent malice the result of her hitting out while hurt. For now, i will stop all similar contact.

i went to the relationship counselling on my own. Hubby and i are in different places vis a vis our marriage. He still wants us to live together, to keep the weird status quo within which we exist. i do not. The session was useful. i came away with some clear thoughts on what i need to do - practical things - before i begin the counselling proper in a few weeks (there is a short waiting list).

Sunday was mother's day here and for one reason and another, my son and i had not had much time together that day. He suggested dinner out, and since hubby was due to be home the three of us went out. This turned out to be a disaster. My lack of wedding ring was noticed by hubby for the first time and his mood spiralled. He spent most of the meal silent, morose, and giving eye contact to neither my son or to me. The evening, which had started well became uncomfortable for my son and i as we struggled to carry on as if he were not there.

The interesting thing is that the behaviour then and since then (later last night and again this morning) was exactly what i discussed with the counsellor might happen. Apparently i am wicked and take pleasure in being as horrible as i can to him. It was almost as if the past 18 months has been a dream, or else that he has been living on another planet.

This marriage breakup is going to be very difficult and painful. i am going to need every inch of strength i have to get through this and i am going to need Sir's help. i cannot and must not let other outside stresses that i don't need to worry about get in the way. Though of course, knowing me is bound to happen at some point.

On being the 'other' woman

This relationship is complicated by another person. He has another relationship, one of Master / slave. She in turn is in another relationship, D/s or M/s, it is quite hard to fathom out which since what is said and written are at odds.

There are plans for He and she to be together, for her to move here to the UK later this year, maybe next.

This was all known when Sir and i embarked on this thing. Everyone knew of everyone else. i chatted to her and all seemed well.

But all is not well.

She feels under threat, she feels my relationship with Him is affecting hers with Him. She likes the idea of a poly relationship, but only on her terms. I am not sure I am the person she wants as part of that.

I am a person who wears her heart on her sleeve. When I am happy, the world hears about it. My tongue becomes a little on the loose side as my chatty nature runs away with me. Nothing I have said to her has been said with any malice. Everything I have said is true to the best of my belief.

Now though I can see my words will be twisted and already to her they form a threat.

But actually her fears have nothing to do with me. They are to do with her own insecurities and her own uncertainty about their relationship. I don't know if she has any reason to be uncertain, since He and i don't discuss such things (it is none of my business anyway).

But her anxieties and fears spread to me. They fill me with doubt just when I am truly happy for the first time in a very very long time.

That makes me very sad.

I have told Graeme that I will write things on here that are important. I know He will read it. These are the reasons I have written this.