I have never been particularly rebellious, except perhaps in my own mind. I like the idea of speeding, but even if I had a really fast car I wouldn't be able to manage say 100 miles an hour, after all it would make me nauseous.If I finish work early, even if I started early, I feel guilty. I have spent my life doing just what people expected of me, if I am doing something different I worry about what people will think of me.
Suddenly though I want to break the norm. I want to do something out of character, I want to tell people that Joolz - daughter, sister, mother, wife - she is not who you think she is.
I want to be brave. To tell people that actually the person they think I am is not really me.
Trouble is, am I brave enough to ask for, hell to say what I want?
Will people say I am selfish? After all what I want is probably a bit of everything. A bit of my 28 year marriage and the stability that goes with it. I want my job; it has taken 30 years to get to this level of satisfaction and pay. I want my family to love and respect me. I want my son to see me as the mother I have always been.
But I want the kind of experiences I get with Sir. I want to be able to leave town for a couple of days, to submit, to be submissive, to be bound, to be made to do humiliating and sexy things. I want listen to Sir's jokes, to his knowledge of historical stuff. I want to eat the food he cooks, I want to snuggle up with him and I want to be fucked senseless by him.
Then I want to go home till next time.
A tall order? Selfish?. Yes.
Its what I want, but can I have it?
Probably not
i think you can have it. What really atters is what you think. I think it is easier to have what you want if you are (I am) a bit selfish and don't shout too the world.."here I am, this is me, I am a slut and happy about it". ;).
ReplyDeleteIf I told people in my life they would be horrified. The advantage I have is hub knows and has agreed to my choices. He does however have the power to put an end to it all. I have given him the power of vito. My dilemma will be if he ever chooses to use it. What will I do then?
Thanks L,
ReplyDeleteI know that ultimitely I will need to tell hubby something. Trouble is I am not sure he would give permission at all. I don't really want to tell anyone else, but telling hubby would have a knock on effect. Jx