Space to think

i like weekend mornings. i tend to get up reasonably early, and certainly earlier than hubby and son. There is no pressure to do anything, though of course there are things to do, and no thoughts of needing to be anywhere. I have the time to read other blogs properly and use that reading as a space to help me think. To think about me and about Sir. There are lots of things now that make me think about Sir and about our times together. Reading blogs, finding pictures, just thinking about what we do, all helps to centre my mind and to think clearly about Him.

Yesterday i was watching the Olympic cycling road race on TV. Sir is a cyclist and cycling fan so, while watching it i couldn't help thinking about him and then the bit of the race where it looped 9 times round the countryside brought back some very real memories. Not far from there is the place where Sir and i spent a day outdoors. where i was tied to a tree, nipple clamped for the first time, where we had anal sex on a disused picnic table. As i watched the men cycling around the leafy, country lanes i couldn't help but think about that day. i couldn't help wish to repeat some of those things soon (and actually it is something we are thinking about).

This weekend Sir and i are not together, as we were last week. i am with my family, getting back on top of the things i need to do here. This weekend i don't feel irritated about anything, i am doing what i want to do within the confines of what is usual and normal. Sir is out of contact, with his children, being a dad. i have spent a fair amount of time with my own son. After years of the uncommunicative teenager, the young man who has emerged has plenty to say, but listens too. He likes to talk to me about history (his university subject), about politics, about the world in general. I often think about Sir when we are having those chats because these are subjects i discuss with Him. I often think that He and son would get on well, would have plenty to say to each other. Hubby is different, he and i don't discuss things in the same way (though he and son do talk), and that means that when son is not around there is less discussion, less conversation. Anyhow i am enjoying these months with son around, even though he generates more washing than the two of us together, even though he eats food more quickly than i can buy it and drinks his dad's beer.

In October son goes off for his final year at university. The house will fall almost silent. i think that is the point at which i will have to make myself sit down with hubby and have a conversation about our future. i am pretty sure i can't hold out for longer. Julia, at My personal thinking spot, wrote about marriage without sex recently. She asks whether marriage without sex can survive since it isn't really a marriage at all. On one level, yes it can survive. i don't really remember when hubby and i last had sex at all, but i could hazard a guess that it was around February time. What is more important is, when did hubby and i have sex where both of us were in any way satisfied? That i really don't remember, but for a long time life has continued, we have had some pretty good times together other than in the bedroom. But now i have what i have with Sir i can see what it is i am missing and i don't think i can live my life this way for very much longer.