This weekend

Will probably help to define the rest of my life.

It has been 6 weeks or so since i last saw Sir. Since then, home life has involved hubby and i living in some kind of movie set. Living our lives, working, eating, sleeping, socialising, but not quite living in reality. We have chatted and laughed, but equally we have argued and goaded each other. We have danced around the issue, sometimes avoiding it, sometimes half facing it. Words have been spoken, many of those words have been unkind. Half truths have been spoken too.

Yesterday reality hit. He asked when i would be going to see Sir and when i told him he reacted. His reaction was to leave, get drunk and arrive home this morning. Tonight he is out again and he will be back tomorrow. He says tomorrow he will be home.

This i know is my chance to keep my marriage. To do so will involve staying home this weekend (even though hubby has said he will be away), but actually i realise that Sir is a symptom not the cause of this. increasingly i wonder about the wisdom of saving this marriage.

This last few weeks since i told hubby about my infidelity has taught me that relationships shouldn't be like this. There seems to be no care, respect or love between us to speak us. What exists is point scoring, and an inability to listen carefully to what the other says. There is pain.

The pain is not just his (though he has every right to feel very very hurt by what i have done), but it is mine too.

That, i think is where we are today.