Last night, i was out on a rare night out with my really good friends from work. 3 of us went out for a Greek Meze with lots of wine. Concequently, now my regular Saturday chores (shopping for food, a bit of tidying and some ironing) are complete, i have my feet up on the sofa.
Increasingly at the weekend hubby is away for at least one of the days. His actions seem in direct contradiction to his words. He says he wants to keep hold of me and to spend time with me. His actions suggest he doesn't really want that. One evening this week while we discussed the situation we are currently in with regards our relationship, he said that as soon as he found someone else he would be off. He said that in his opinion i couldn't speak to him about important things and that this meant that our marriage was not only over, but he went on to accuse me of ruining and wasting all 28 years. That night, at around 3 am, i woke to find that he was wide awake and was coming on to me.
To say this is all quite confusing is a bit of an understatement.
i am not sure when we stopped discussing our thoughts and feelings with each other. Nor am i sure exactly when i started to feel as i do when he touches me. Deep down i know he is correct when he says that we are on a slippery slope out of our marriage. But for everything it is still hard to let go. i am confused that when Sir touches the same parts of my body it feels just so different to when hubby does so. i guess that even though i don't understand, it tells me what i need to know.
Time to myself, does give me space though. And space is something i have been longing for.
I have been checking into quite a few of my favorite blogs today (i was awake very early this morning due to too much wine and too much food), so caught up on some reading until i could drop back off to sleep.
For the love of a submissive is a tumblr blog i read and look in at regularly. There are often some very nice pictures there; today is no exception. The author speaks today about rules and about how He doesn't have many rules with his 'muse' as he calls her, since they are in a long distance relationship, and that D/s is something that takes place in the bedroom. But goes on to say that when they are together, and they are in the bedroom (as it were) then they have plenty of rules about what she must call him and how she kneels and presents herself.
This whole blog post rang very true to me. We also have no actual rules that i follow when we are apart. At times i have worn specific clothes and underwear (or not worn underwear) at His request. This does give me a massive thrill, but can't be continued all of the time. We also have no orgasm rules (which i know many people do). Rather He loves it when i tell Him that i have orgasmed while thinking of him. This morning, after i had finished my reading and i was thinking, i got out my trusted buzzy rabbit toy and did just that. The great thing is that it was probably that wonderful O, while thinking about my lovely Master that helped me fall asleep for another hour or so.
When i am with Him though, things are very different. i am expected, and always do ask for my orgasms. Mostly he is very good to me and my request is granted, though of course i am made to wait when He thinks i am getting much too much of a good thing. He wants me dressed appropriately, He wants me to be ready so He can use me and he wants my legs open when possible. Last time he even told me off for lying in bed with my legs crossed. i love to be ready so that He can use me as He likes and i like the rules He imposes.
If he is awake at 3 am and decides to stroke me, to wake me and to use me, then i am ready for him (even though i don't necessarily want to be woken out of a lovely sleep), and i know that that is the difference right now.